


Survival

by blueprint_0



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Age Difference, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Bittersweet Ending, Blow Jobs, Breathplay, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Character Development, Consensual Underage Sex, Cunnilingus, Daddy Kink, Degradation, Dubious Consent, Dubious Morality, Exhibitionism, F/M, Face Slapping, Face-Fucking, Female Ejaculation, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Frottage, Insecure Carl, Light BDSM, M/M, Medical Conditions, Multi, Name-Calling, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Porn With Plot, Pregnancy, Pregnancy Kink, Pubic Hair, Rimming, Spanking, Threesome, Threesome - F/M/M, Unplanned Pregnancy, alpha/omega role play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2020-10-28 06:27:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 24
Words: 81,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20774027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueprint_0/pseuds/blueprint_0
Summary: One of Negan’s six wives is Evelyn. 19 years old, or so she says, and in need of a safe home for herself and her niece. The Sanctuary seems to be the right place and playing by Negan’s rules isn’t so bad. Things go according to plan, for the most part, until Carl stumbles into the mix and discovers a new side of himself.This is porn WITH plot. Nearly every chapter has smut, one way or another (and there ends up being MANY different ways).This is extremely canon-compliant. I made as little changes as needed for my own storyline.Carl does not arrive until chapter 7.You may have noticedSupernaturalcharacters in the tags, etc. This was out of convenience while I was writing. This is NOT a cross-over fic, unless you consider it AU-SPN??? Idk... It’s mostly Dean Winchester and in chapter 12 and 17.More info is in the notes for chapter 1, especially the "archive warnings" :) Comments and feedback are welcome and encouraged!





	1. Then think of what you did/And how I hope to God he was worth it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Panic! At the Disco - [Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-1A0jfF67Q)
> 
> WARNINGS: I have labeled this story as “Underage” because Evelyn and Carl are 16 (Evelyn pretends to be 19… And Carl is supposed to be 14… but come on, Chandler Riggs does not look 14 so…). On that note, Negan is supposed to be in his 50s, but I don’t think that lines up well with his back story anyway. I want Negan to be early-40s. So he is. 
> 
> I originally labeled this story as “Rape/Non-Con” but have taken this label off. I chose it in the beginning because there is information about _past_ rape/non-con, but it does NOT occur in this story. I thought this part would be more significant, but it's mostly been edited out. Each chapter that contains any mention of the past non-con has a warning.
> 
> I also wanted to note some things about Evelyn that were very intentional. Her appearance is never fully described. When I read long OC fics, I often forget the details of their OC, especially if I don’t read it all at once. Maybe it’s just me. Either way, I decided to make Evelyn's appearance fairly ambiguous. Imagine her how you wish. 
> 
> But I happen to like women who are tall and don’t shave _down there_ (even though I’m a fairly straight cis-female, this is still my preference that became incorporated into the story). 
> 
> I’ve been on the fence about my “warnings” before each chapter (aka, who’s hooking up with who and what kinks are included). They feel more like spoilers than warnings, imo. My first few chapters posted didn’t have warnings. Then I went back and included them. And now I’ve decided to take them out (except the one mentioned above). Please head the tags. Sorry for the chaos. 
> 
> With all that being said, let's begin :)

"Evelyn, 19, and her niece, Penelope, 6, sir. Found by Gavin’s outpost. No way they came from a community, too many deep, grimy injuries. She says they're from Charlottesville and have been with a few groups, but wanted to keep moving North before summer."

"And?"

"And they gave up all their belongings when they arrived at the Sanctuary. Except the older girl. She has a fanny pack and won't give it up. She screams and kicks, doesn't even flinch when we hold a gun to her head. I'd use the younger girl as leverage but a family took her in before we realized how this would unfold. Now they won't turn her over. We need you to step in, sir."

"A fanny pack, huh? Very 90s. Alright, I'll talk to her. Wonder what she's got that she would die over, must be good." Negan said, smiling and scratching his beard thoughtfully.

* * *

_'You’re responsible for your decisions, Ev. You’re the one who has to live with them, so chose them wisely.’_

With her father’s words in mind, Evelyn makes the split-second decision to tell a different lie than she’s used to.

_‘It’s not a lie if they make you lie, if the only truth they can accept is their own… Or something like that. I heard that on TV once, can’t remember where.’_

“I’m 19, my niece is 6, we're from Charlottesville.”

* * *

Penelope looked up at her aunt questioningly. Evelyn gave her a stern look and shook her head minutely. Penelope realized a while ago that Evelyn lied about her age, since she almost always said a different number, usually 14, but sometimes as young as 12. Evelyn told her that she needed to lie about her age, for protection. But lies were very dangerous and this was the only one that was allowed. Penelope knew her numbers _(thank you very much)_ and this was the oldest Evelyn had ever said. Was it the truth? Penelope just now realized that didn’t know how old her aunt really was.

“Weapons?” The scary looking man asked. It was like he was trying to be nice, because they were cute (that’s what Evelyn said) but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. This was not a good man.

“I only have one weapon, my switch blade,” Evelyn answered.

The men had taken their bookbags, which Penelope didn’t like. But she knew by now to expect this from every new group they found. They always tried to take Evelyn’s fanny pack, but she never let them. She’d rather walk away from a group than let them see it. Besides herself, everyone who had known what was in there was dead now. However, this place was the scariest they’d ever been. Maybe she’ll show them.

“Little girl, come with me,” A nice looking woman came over to them. Her smile met her eyes and Evelyn squeezed Penelope's hand before letting go. Penelope went with the woman.

They were in the hallway when Penelope heard Evelyn scream.

* * *

Evelyn knew _he_ was the leader right away, and she knew she’d made the right decision to say she was 19. Evelyn generally pretended to be younger, for sympathy.

Sympathy earned time, protection, food, and water. Especially when they had nothing else to offer. But sometimes, being younger offered false innocence, naivety.

But with this group, Evelyn’s gut told her to offer something different. Instead of undershooting her age, she overshot. In reality, she's 16. Evelyn was 14 during the outbreak and was only able to pass for 12 a few times in the beginning.

“What’s with all the yelling little lady?” The man sauntered towards her and she snapped her mouth closed.

“Let’s all take a breather, ok? Back up boys,” Negan ordered and the men around them took a few steps back. Evelyn’s head whipped back and forth between them, watching carefully as they obeyed.

“Did they take your weapon girl, or do you have it in that fanny pack of yours?” He smirked, standing over her as she knelt on the ground, clutching her abdomen to protect the fanny pack.

Evelyn fought the urge to stutter as she breathed out, “No, my switch blade, it’s in my pocket.”

“Thank you for being honest, kid. Now I’m gonna take that blade but that’s all, I promise.” Negan smiled at her with his hands up in false surrender.

She allowed it, removing her blade and dropping it on the ground. Negan casually kicked it away before squatting down to her level.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it? Now, why don’t you tell me what all the ruckus is about. What is so important in that bag?”

“I can’t say. Not here.” Her eyes darted to the men surrounding them.

“Alright, I hear you, gotta keep this secret safe. Give me a peek before I take you somewhere private, ok?”

It did seem reasonable, so Evelyn willed her hands to stop shaking, took a deep breath, and unzipped her fanny pack half-way, making sure that only she and Negan could see inside of it.

Negan leaned closer to Evelyn so see better. The distinct shape of a pill bottle with tissues inside. After a moment he realized that the tissues kept the pills from rattling noisily. Very clever and resourceful. Negan hummed and Evelyn zipped it back up.

He stood and held out his hand for her to take, “I’m Negan.”

“Evelyn,” she responded, accepting his hand to help her up.

“I need to speak with our newest member alone,” he said to the men around them, “The other girl is safe?”

The men looked to each other for an answer but their silence indicated no one knew.

Negan growled, “Well don’t just stand there, someone find out and give me a report!”

The men scrambled away, leaving Negan to lead Evelyn to his room.

* * *

“I have a heart condition called LQTS, sometimes my heart rhythm becomes uneven, dangerous. I take one of these pills, Propranolol, twice a day. At least, that was my dosage before the outbreak, I don’t know if I need to change it and we haven’t found a cardiologist since the outbreak. Even if we did, I don’t think they could help me without blood work and equipment anyway.”

On the coffee table were three large pill bottles. Evelyn had taken the tissues out to show Negan the supply. “This bottle has 0.5 mg pills, 1 mg, and 4 mg,” she said, pointing to each one. The 0.5 mg and 4 mg bottle were 2/3 full and the 1 mg bottle was nearly empty. “I need 2 mg with each dose.”

Negan was quiet for a moment, hands clasped together, listening to her explain.

“Propranolol, huh? Doesn’t sound familiar, I don’t think we have any, but I’ll have one of my guys check.”

Speaking of his ‘guys,’ Evelyn remembered that they’d be back soon. She set the tissues out and emptied the bottles onto them before wrapping them up, placing them in the bottles, and returning the bottles to her fanny pack, zipping it closed.

And not a moment too soon, because then one of Negan’s men knocked on the door and entered. “Sir, the younger girl is fine, she’s with 24. But she won’t talk, is that normal?”

“Yes, she stopped talking after the outbreak.” Evelyn answered, not batting an eye.

“Thank you Marcus, you may go.”

“Yes, sir.”

Evelyn sighed in relief. She had good instincts about people, but it was always nice to be reassured.

“If you have someone else check, they’ll know it’s for me. No one can know what’s wrong with me or what medicine I need. Someone else probably needs it too, they’ll take mine.” Her voice never wavered and she looked Negan in the eye.

Negan smiled wickedly, he just couldn’t help it when he came across the smart ones. It was his soft spot. “I’m not sure I can do that, we share our resources around here. Everyone does their part and earns their keep, you will too.”

Evelyn looked unsurprised and annoyed. “You don’t understand, I will die soon. Without this medicine I’ll die quicker.” Evelyn pulled her collar aside to the left, revealing a surgical scar below her collarbone. “I have a defibrillator. It was placed 7 years ago. My surgery to replace the battery was scheduled for a month after the outbreak started. I don’t know how much longer I have left or when it’ll stop working. Penelope and I have been looking for a place like this. She doesn’t know, but I worry I’ll die in my sleep, that’s when I have my arrythmias. I need to be kept where I can’t hurt anyone if I turn. Please Negan, you have to help me. I’ll do anything.”

From the ferocity in her eyes, Negan knew that this girl understood what ‘anything’ really meant.

Negan hummed, considering the options. “You a virgin, kid?”

Evelyn didn’t hesitate, “No, and I’m not a kid, stop calling me that.”

Negan couldn’t stop the smirk that crept across his lips, not that he tried. “Well, around here, my wives and Saviors are the only people who get special treatment with food and medicine for their families. If you’re my wife, we can keep this medicine between us. But if you say ‘no’ then the medicine will go into our stock and you’ll have to earn enough points to receive the medicine you need. It’s your choice darlin, I don’t want any of my wives to be forced, that’s the worst crime a man can commit.”

Evelyn felt no hesitation, but instinct told her not to answer right away. Instead, she looked Negan up and down, checking him out, making him smile wide. “One of your wives?”

“Yes dear, is that a problem?”

“No, my parents were in a polyamorous marriage.”

“Were they now?” Genuine surprise played across Negan’s face. “You grew up with your parents and some girlfriends around?”

“Sometimes girlfriends. Mostly boyfriends though.”

Now it was Evelyn’s turn to smile widely, as Negan’s curiosity turned to shock. It was his turn to check her out, “Well you are just full of surprises honey, you might actually be interesting to get to know.”

Evelyn tilted her head to the side, studying him, “You too. Do we have a deal then?”

“Absolutely.”

* * *

Later that day Evelyn explained the marriage to Penelope. They couldn’t live together anymore, but Negan kept the orphans together, in better living conditions than his workers and their families.

Evelyn explained to the caregivers about Penelope’s speech. She knew how to talk and she was smart. But she had been mute since the beginning. When their families abandoned their homes, Penelope’s parents let their pets out with some food and water, hoping they would find a way to survive. Penelope was devastated to leave _her_ kitten behind and refused to talk. Then her sisters died. Then her parents died. Then Evelyn’s parents died. And she just never talked again.

Penelope thought they were being separated now because of the marriage, which was part of it. The reality was that Evelyn needed to be in a room by herself with one of her arms restrained to the bed.

For months she had dreamed of waking as the undead and strolling to an innocent victim, usually Penelope, and biting into their face or neck or stomach, hearing them wake up screaming before eventually dying.

She couldn’t let that happen.

Evelyn’s medicine was also kept a secret. Negan allowed her to keep the fanny pack. His men noticed and whispered behind their hands, but no one dared to ask Negan directly.

The wives (consisting of Frankie, Tanya, and Dani) were also curious and they approached Evelyn about it. Evelyn just told them that it was private and she couldn’t tell them. The wives didn’t like this answer, but couldn’t exactly force the truth out of her.

Negan also compromised with the whole “little black dress” attire, allowing her to wear tank tops and jeans or shorts, with delicate sandals. Besides the fact that dresses didn’t go well with fanny packs, Evelyn also hadn’t lived most of her life as a feminine, confident woman, like the other wives. She never went to homecoming or prom, never learned the ins and outs of dresses, heels, makeup, or hair.

Evelyn told Negan it was because of her medical condition, that she was always in the hospital when those events occurred. But, of course, the reality was that she hadn’t even reached the age to attend those events before the outbreak. Thus, walking around in a dress and heels was simply an unreasonable expectation for Evelyn.

That night, Evelyn slept in her new room alone. She was in charge of strapping herself to the bed with a soft Velcro material. However, the next morning she found herself unstrapped, having pulled them off with her free hand.

Evelyn went to Negan for another solution. She told him what happened and he scratched his beard thoughtfully.

“Would you rather have both arms restrained or one arm restrained more securely?”

“One arm, more securely.” Evelyn had seen too many groups go to hell and leaders get overthrown. She wasn’t leaving herself vulnerable with both arms restrained to a bed every night. Negan would know this if he thought for a second that he could be overthrown. Cocky bastard.

“Then we’re gonna have to use handcuffs, darlin. You ok with that?”

“Yes, of course. Whatever it takes.”

* * *

Negan and Evelyn ‘married.’ Evelyn had never attended a wedding before the outbreak, but she knew how they worked, and this was not it.

“Thank you everyone for welcoming Evelyn and Penelope to our Sanctuary,” Negan proclaimed to his followers from the balcony. Evelyn was by his side and his wives were below them.

“Evelyn here is my new wife and we’re going to go back and consummate this shit. Everyone gets a dessert tonight, no points needed!” Negan slung his arm over her shoulder and pushed her face to his, pressing their lips together. She wasn’t prepared for the sudden kiss, but leaned into it once her brain got up to speed. Everyone clapped politely.

The sun was just beginning to set outside when Negan took Evelyn back to his room. Once the door closed he kissed her deeply and passionately, one hand in her hair and one on her waist. It felt really nice and Evelyn appreciated the fact that they were both clean and smelled good, unlike her past experiences.

Negan broke away, smiling and happy with the kiss. “Do I need a condom, baby?”

“Yeah, sorry.” Evelyn tried to act shy, but inside she was beyond relieved that she wouldn’t have to beg and plead for him to use a condom.

This time, Negan noticed that she was having some underlying feelings. He looked down at her with a small frown, “Anything else I should know?”

Evelyn’s eyes flicked to the window and back. There were a lot of things he should know, but she needed to keep this simple for now, “We should finish before the sun sets. Please.”

Negan rubbed his hands soothingly up and down her arms, “We can keep a light on darlin,” he gave her a weak smile.

“No, I’m sorry, I just… I start to panic at night, when I’m… Like _this_ with someone. Please, can we finish before then?” Her voice began to show her desperation for Negan to understand.

“It’s ok,” Negan also glanced out the window, trying to gauge how much time they had, “We can make it work.”

“Thank you!” Evelyn threw her arms around Negan’s neck and kissed him feverishly, trying with everything in her to convey her gratitude.

And with that, Negan was happy that his new wife was happy. Their kisses became messy and desperate so Negan walked her to his bed, never breaking apart.

Despite over a two-decade age difference, Evelyn was very attracted to him. Who couldn’t be? He was tall, slim, muscular, perfect teeth and dimples. His hands on her felt strong but gentle. Like he wanted to take her apart in the best way possible.

Negan pushed her on the bed, pulling her up to the pillows and climbing on top of her. Evelyn was happy to have him dominate this interaction, it allowed her to sit back and just _feel._ And it felt so damn good. Negan was kissing and touching her all over, groaning as he felt soft skin under his fingertips.

Suddenly, he was maneuvering them around again. The comforter was tossed from the bed and a towel was placed under Evelyn.

All sorts of red flags went off in her head. Was he expecting to make her bleed? The panic showed on her face as Negan froze, looking her in the eye, “It’s ok, I promise you’ll enjoy this.” He reached to her face and stroked her cheek soothingly.

Evelyn was still skeptical but didn’t protest. She leant back on the pillows to relax.

Negan fully undressed her, while staying clothed himself in his white tshirt and jeans. It was undeniably sexy.

He got down between her legs and started rubbing and smelling her, kissing her thighs. It made Evelyn blush and hide her face.

“None of that baby,” he said softly but lightly smacked her thigh. Evelyn looked back down at him. “That’s better. Nothing to be embarrassed about. Your pussy smells delicious. I’m the kind of man who loves a beautiful bush and I’m so pleased you haven’t touched yours,” Negan licked his lips, “Can’t wait to taste it…”

And then he was kissing and licking all over her sensitive places. As she began to pant and moan, he groaned louder, his eyes rolled back as she quivered underneath him.

“Fucking perfect,” Negan whispered, pulling back to give her a break. Evelyn was coming undone, she’d never had sex feel _this_ good. Negan sensually licked his fingers before slipping one, and then two inside her. He went back to licking and sucking her clit, drooling all over her. Evelyn guessed that’s why the blanket was there. He was making a mess and it was the hottest thing she’d ever seen.

“Alright darlin, you’re gonna love this, just hold on tight.” Evelyn was high on whatever Negan was already doing to her. What on earth was he going to do now?

Negan sat up and knelt beside her. She was disappointed that his mouth wasn’t on her anymore, but then his fingers were deep inside her and he was pumping and pulling. It was intense and Evelyn felt like she was drowning.

“Come on baby,” Negan muttered, clearly putting a lot of effort into his fingering.

Then he placed his hand firmly on her pelvis, pressing down on the spot his fingers were assaulting.

Evelyn felt a numb tingling over her whole body. She felt the liquid squirting from her hit her legs before pleasure exploded in her core. Then Negan was back down there, licking up her juices as she shook uncontrollably.

“W-what did y-you do?” Evelyn asked, struggling to speak and blown away that this man apparently knew more about her body than she did.

Negan didn’t answer right away. He was licking everything up from the stray drops on her legs to his fingers, sucking on them obscenely. “I made you squirt, beautiful. How did it feel?”

“Amazing,” Evelyn whispered, still in awe.

“That’s what I like to hear,” Negan said smugly. Evelyn couldn’t even be annoyed by his cockiness, he had a right to be.

Evelyn still felt weak and wet as Negan tossed the wet blanket to the floor (oh, that's what it was for) then hitched her legs on his shoulders. He unzipped his pants and took out his cock, then fished a condom out of his pocket and slipped it on. Evelyn wanted to feel him. She couldn’t reach his torso but settled for his forearms and biceps. All tan, scarred, tattooed skin. Negan held himself up with his hands planted near her head. She turned to the side and lightly bit his arm, wanting to taste him.

Negan chuckled, thrusting forward slowly and leaning down to kiss her. Negan’s facial hair was damp from her juices and she could taste herself. It was weird but felt so good knowing that he enjoyed every bit of her.

Negan broke the kiss as he picked up his pace. Evelyn kissed and bit his jaw and throat. Loving every inch of his skin.

Evelyn felt her orgasm building again. She slipped one of her hands down to rub her clit. “I’m gonna cum again Daddy,” she whispered sensually.

“Oh shit baby, how’d you know to call me that?” Negan reached down to hold the base of his dick.

“Cuz you seem like a good Daddy, taking care of little girls like me, treating us so good,” she whispered coyly. It was the first time Evelyn had said that, or done any of this, and really enjoyed it, wanted it, wanted more.

“_Fuuuck_, darlin, I like you.”

“I like you too,” Evelyn smiled. It felt silly, considering they were supposed to be married. But this was life now. Weird and different and unexpected.

The pair moved together for several more minutes before Evelyn was cumming again, spasming around Negan’s dick. This seemed to be what Negan was waiting for, finally letting himself cum too.

Evelyn was in a daze as Negan pulled out, threw away the condom, and tucked himself back in his pants. He laid next to her and let her rest her head on his chest. He didn’t stay and cuddle as long as Evelyn had hoped, but it would have to be enough.

Negan got up and opened a drawer, pulling out a pair of handcuffs with black fuzz. “These obviously aren’t real, police handcuffs, they’re like sex toy handcuffs. It had a key once-upon-a-time, but you don’t need it anyway. There’s a latch right here, you just push down and the handcuffs open.” Negan demonstrated and then had Evelyn practice.

“Think that will work?” Negan asked.

“Yeah, they’re perfect, thank you so much,” Evelyn gave him a kiss on the cheek. Sensing his desire for her to go to bed, Evelyn reluctantly got up and dressed.

The sun had just disappeared as she looked out the window.

“You ok?” Negan asked, watching her.

“Yeah,” she replied. Negan looked at her skeptically. “I’m not afraid of the dark, or whatever. I just… When I hear panting and moaning during sex and it's nighttime, my brain can’t tell the difference between sex and the undead. I imagine that the guy I’m with has just turned, even though I know that’s impossible. I don’t really know why…”

“It’s ok,” Negan said, hugging her, “Thank you for telling me.” Negan kissed her and then held her at arms-length.

It hurt a little, but Evelyn knew it was time for her to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quote mentioned at the beginning is from Brian Kinney on _Queer as Folk_ (American) S1, E8


	2. My life started the day I got caught/Under the covers/With secondhand lovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Panic! At the Disco - [Hallelujah](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxYyHHR0Q1c)

Evelyn and Penelope settled into their new routine. Penelope spent time with the other kids at “school” but continued to be mute. She was definitely happier, smiling and nodding or shaking her head, she hardly ever gave blank stares when asked a question anymore. Evelyn was very happy and relieved that her niece was safe and given a chance to recover, for however long this lasted.

Evelyn had no delusions that their current situation would last forever. She didn’t know how it would end, but she knew it would, one way or another.

Evelyn was genuinely surprised that Negan was as reckless and confident as he acted, considering how many people loathed him. They seemed to dislike the special treatment for his Saviors more than anything. These men and women had almost complete reign to do as they pleased around the Sanctuary. Not only did they do whatever they wanted, always taking way more than they needed, they also had to do it rudely. The Saviors waved their higher status in the workers’ faces and expected a “thank you for your service” after essentially robbing them blind. And Negan approved of this.

Despite the attitude problems, the majority of the workers and Saviors wanted Negan to be their leader. He kept them alive and well, enforced rules that kept people safe (even if his punishments for rule-breaking were barbaric). Negan was in charge and respected.

Evelyn enjoyed living at the Sanctuary. Her time was split between Penelope and the wives’ lounge. Frankie, Tanya, and Dani were nice and interesting, but admittedly bored with their roles. However, they gave no indication of wanting to change their situation.

Negan visited their lounge nearly every day, taking one of the women to his room for an hour or so and sending her away when they were done.

Evelyn asked Frankie about this habit. She shrugged and said, “I don’t think he wants to get close to us, emotionally, ya know?”

“Then why be married if he doesn’t want to be close with us?”

“I don’t know, Evelyn. Power, maybe? He’s the guy in charge, the alpha male. It’s like having wives, _plural,_ sets him on a higher pedestal than everyone else. And what’s more alpha than having a harem of beautiful women?”

Frankie’s explanation made sense, but Evelyn still found it strange. She knew her parents’ polyamorous relationship was different and unacceptable for most of society. They told her it was a secret because people wouldn’t understand. If she ever told anyone, they would think her family was “bad.” Evelyn’s parents said this kind of relationship made them happy and they would be able to tell her more when she was older. Evelyn grieved that she was never able to have that conversation, and so many others that they were meant to have.

Negan hadn’t pursued Evelyn since their first night together. Tanya said this was normal, that he wanted her to settle in and feel more comfortable. The wives agreed that Negan wanted her to enjoy being with him and she could ask for anything. If he couldn’t fulfill the request, he’d compromise. As long as the wives followed his one rule, _don’t cheat on him,_ they all lived peacefully. Besides the lack of emotional connection or really anything close to a normal marriage, Negan _was_ a good husband.

* * *

About two weeks after their marriage, Evelyn was having lunch with Penelope and the rest of the kids. Negan came through and told everyone to be as they were, making a beeline to them. He gave Evelyn a kiss on the cheek and smiled down at Penelope.

“Hello angel, you must be Penelope. We haven’t officially met yet, I’m so sorry I’ve been busy. My name is Negan.” Penelope smiled and waved her little hand at him. This made Negan smile wide and pick her up. Evelyn was surprised when Penelope stayed calm and giggled softly when he bounced her on his hip. Negan asked Evelyn about her day and how she felt about Penelope’s care and school.

After a short conversation, he stated he had to go, but Penelope laid her head on his shoulder and pouted, clearly wanting him to stay. It was so adorable. Evelyn took Penelope into her lap and hugged her, like she could soak up all the cuteness if she just held the 6 year old tight enough.

* * *

Later in the day, Evelyn tracked Negan down to attack him with kisses. He felt like a powerful magnetic force that she couldn’t resist. She wanted him to know that she was happy and ready to fully participate in her wifely duties.

He pulled her into his room and onto the bed. The couple shed their clothes without preamble. Evelyn found Negan to be just as sexy as she’d imagined. She wanted to feel him against her so she softly pushed him on his back and he complied willingly.

Evelyn climbed on top of him, lining her mound up to his cock, moving her hips so his cock slid through her pubic hair. She leaned down to kiss him, her hands roaming over his arms, shoulders, pecs, abs.

“_Shit_ someone sure is eager,” Negan commented. “Condoms are in the bedside drawer when you’re ready baby.”

Evelyn gave him a few more kisses before grabbing a condom and putting it on him. She sat down as his dick penetrated her, moving slow as she adjusted but picking up speed.

A loud knocking on the door interrupted them.

Negan groaned unhappily but Evelyn didn’t stop moving. “Baby, I gotta, mmm, I’m sorry, I-,” Negan pleaded for her to stop.

“Tell them to come in,” Evelyn whispered, looking him in the eye deviously and seating herself full and deep on top of him.

Negan laughed and threw his head back in a moan. “Fuck Evelyn,” he whispered back before raising his voice toward the door, “Come in,” he ordered. The command in his voice had her bouncing on him again.

The door opened and a wiry man with curly hair took a few steps in before freezing.

“What is it Gavin?” Negan asked, amused.

“It can wait, sorry to interrupt,” Gavin said stiffly, before turning on his heel to escape.

“_Stop_,” Negan’s voice boomed, making Evelyn squeal above him.

Gavin obeyed, stopping in his tracks, but not turning around.

“Come on Gavin, why don’t you fill me in on what’s going on. And you can have the distinct _honor_ of seeing one of my wives in _action_! I think she likes it, my kinky little minx,” Negan laughed, all gorgeous dimples, teeth, and laugh lines.

Evelyn marveled at how sexy Negan looked below her and how hot it was for another man to see her exposed and enjoying herself on Negan’s dick.

Gavin slowly turned around, letting his eyes fall on the pair. He didn’t speak, just watched.

Evelyn shifted her gaze from Negan to Gavin. Her rhythm faltered as a full-body shiver ran through her. Gavin’s eyes were envious, his cheeks embarrassed, and his pants were tented. Evelyn moaned, feeling weak from arousal and falling lightly on Negan’s strong torso.

“_Gavin_!” Negan snapped for him to speak, as he lifted Evelyn’s hips, holding them securely a few inches above his own. Just enough room to move his hips in quick, shallow thrusts.

“I have a report on the Kingdom, sir. I thought you wanted it as soon as I arrived.”

“_Yeees,_” Negan groaned, more to Evelyn than Gavin. “You think I should make him give the full report right now, baby?”

Negan’s thrusts made it impossible to think. Evelyn buried her face in the crook of his neck, panting and moaning.

Negan chuckled, now also breathing harder from holding her up and doing most of the work. “Go to the meeting room, I’ll be there when I’m done,” Negan growled to his Lieutenant.

Evelyn peeked her head up to see Gavin’s relief at not being forced further humiliation. After another few seconds of watching, he turned to leave and slammed the door behind him.

Evelyn jumped slightly from the noise, but quickly recovered, feverishly kissing Negan.

“You liked that, Evelyn? Like having someone else watch us?” Negan was looking at her in a new way, almost like he was seeing her for the first time.

“Yeah, I liked it, we should do that again sometime,” Evelyn bit her lip and looked away in mock shyness.

“Well shit baby… You might be my new favorite.”

Evelyn’s heart sang at the compliment, wrapping her arms around Negan’s neck and licking the shell of his ear. “Mmm Daddy please cum in me,” she whispered seductively.

As if on command, Negan gasped, burying himself as deep as he could while he came.

After he caught his breath, Negan rolled them over so he could pull out and take off the full condom.

“That was _awesome,_” Negan chuckled. “Now it’s your turn baby.”

Negan reached into the drawer and pulled out a vibrator, clicking it on, and pressing it to Evelyn’s clit.

Her body seized up from the powerful sensation. As her orgasm started to build, Negan leaned over to return the favor of kissing, licking, and whispering in her ear. “Baby girl that was so hot. Did you see how hard he was for you. Damn was he jealous of my cock! I bet he’s stroking his little dick right now, wishing he was in here with you. But he can’t have you, can he baby? No, you’re all _mine._”

Evelyn’s hips bucked as she came hard, eyes rolling back and body trembling. Negan kissed her hair, face, and neck as she slowly came down from her high.

When her breathing evened out, Negan whispered, “_Definitely_ my favorite.”


	3. And if you wanna make it through the night/You better say my name like/The good, the bad, and the dirty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Panic! At the Disco - [The Good, the Bad, and the Dirty](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nu55xS1TdoU)

Negan and Evelyn’s attraction grew more intense with each passing week.

Evelyn still believed Frankie’s theory that Negan didn’t want or intend to allow the vulnerability required for a deep, emotional connection with any of his wives. Evelyn understood that being vulnerable could be difficult, especially if he lost someone he cared about. Maybe a girlfriend, a wife, or a child. Evelyn really had no idea who Negan had been before the outbreak.

Sometimes it felt like Negan cared more for his Lieutenants. While they did not have a physical or sexual relationship, Negan did seem to have an intellectual connection with them. He trusted his Lieutenants. Did he trust his wives?

After their exhibitionist/voyeuristic tryst, both Evelyn and Gavin would blush when they ran into each other. Now that Evelyn had met all of Negan’s Lieutenants, she definitely liked Gavin the most because he held the same values as Negan. He genuinely cared about keeping people alive and safe. The other Lieutenants were keener on jumping to violence.

Evelyn felt deeply uncomfortable with Simon. He was the kind of man she’d avoid being alone with at nearly all costs. But he was the closest person to Negan, he probably knew more about the man than all of his wives combined, which made Evelyn very uneasy about his judgement.

With four wives and his busy schedule, Negan usually slept with each of them once a week.

But after a couple months, he was sleeping with Evelyn 3-4 times a week, and sleeping with his other wives about once every other week.

Somehow, Negan didn’t seem to notice this. Maybe because the change happened gradually. Maybe because he didn’t want to see it.

The wives noticed that their time with Negan was cut in half. But they didn’t know that Negan and Evelyn were usually hooking up in the mornings. They just figured his sexual appetite had decreased. Afterall, he wasn’t 20, or even 30, anymore.

Evelyn had asked the wives about Negan’s age. None of them knew for sure, but they guessed he was 41 or 42. Dani asked her if it was “weird” for Negan to be as old as her father. But her dad wasn’t in his 40s when he died, he’d been nearly 60. Evelyn’s parents had her around the same age Negan was now. In Evelyn’s world, being married to a 60 year old would certainly be “weird,” but a 40 year old was acceptable.

While it's common-knowledge that most men in their 40s have less sex, the truth was that Negan wasn’t slowing down at all. His usual routine had been to grab a wife at the end of his day, which was often at night. This obviously did not work for Evelyn. Instead of waiting for the infrequent days where he could turn in early, Evelyn started the habit of slipping into his room first thing in the morning. Negan never locked his door, which Evelyn thought was reckless, but couldn’t bring herself to complain since this was so convenient for them.

Sometimes Evelyn wanted to sleep in, so she didn’t visit him on those mornings. And sometimes Negan was already out of bed when she went to his room. The couple never talked about or planned their morning visits, but they were still consistently happening several days of the week. And it was an unspoken secret they kept from all the other wives.

Negan still took Evelyn to his room “publicly,” whenever he was able to finish his work before sunset. But this happened rarely enough that the other wives had no idea their relationship dynamic was evolving.

Not only were they having _more_ sex than the others, but they were also trying _different_ things in the bedroom.

One afternoon, Negan and Evelyn were slowly undressing each other between long, languid kisses and whispered encouragements and praises. Negan confessed he wished he could cum inside of her, no condom.

Without missing a beat, Evelyn suggested they try anal sex.

Negan was not expecting her to say this and looked shocked and, for once, speechless. Evelyn found it hilarious and adorable.

“It’s not a bid deal,” Evelyn giggled, “Have you ever done it before?”

“Hell yeah, I feel sorry for any man who hasn’t. But it’s been years… Probably 15 years since I’ve done it.”

“Ok, let’s do it then! Just… Be gentle, ok?”

“Of course baby. You’re amazing. Have you done it before?”

“No, but I’ve wanted to try it with you… See if I like it,” Evelyn blushed.

“Mmm this is gonna be _so_ much fun,” Negan stated while moving her onto her stomach and placing a pillow under her hips.

Evelyn nodded and moaned in agreement.

Negan gave her a few light spanks before thumbing her cheeks apart to see his prize.

“You look delicious baby,” he muttered before kissing her hole and teasing the area with his tongue.

Evelyn had _not_ expected this. She’d thought he would just finger her open and then get to it. But he was _rimming_ her. The sensation and intimacy of this act was making her wild as she begged for more and wiggled underneath him.

_“Look at my dirty girl,”_ Negan smirked, licking deeper into her as her flesh became pliant under his tongue.

He spit into her and began dipping a finger in and out of her.

“You like what I’m doing sweetheart?” Negan asked, pausing his ministrations.

“Yeah Negan,” she panted, always touched at how attentive he was to her consent. “Please keep going, I love you, I love what you’re doing to me.”

Saying _‘I love you’_ was part of the wives unspoken expectations. Evelyn felt like maybe she could mean it.

Negan continued with his tongue and fingers for a while, unraveling her sanity as he stretched out her hole.

When Negan stopped, he reached toward the bedside drawer.

Evelyn whined in protest, “No condom, Daddy.”

“Fuck Evelyn,” Negan swore, deeply aroused by her words. “Baby, I’m just getting lube.” He leaned down and kissed her hair, then went back to his task. He poured the lube on his fingers and pushed them in, deeper than before, making Evelyn squeal.

When she was adequately stretched, Negan dripped more of the lube on his dick and stroked it thoroughly. He positioned himself over Evelyn.

“You gotta tell me if it’s too much, ok? Otherwise I won’t stop.”

Evelyn nodded that she understood and bucked her hips for him to get on with it.

Negan chuckled and pushed the head of his long, hard dick inside of her.

The fullness that Evelyn felt was _wrong_ in the best way possible. And the tight resistance that Negan felt was beyond satisfying to push through.

Soon he was able to pump in and out quickly. “N-Negan, please, harder. Fill me w-with your cum, please,” she begged.

“Baby, _yes,”_ he gasped out before emptying himself deep within her.

“Mmm Negan, thank you, thank you for your cum,” Evelyn groaned, slipping her hand down to rub her clit in a few circles to cum before he could pull out. She wanted him to feel her hole spasm around him.

Negan could only moan and catch his breath as he felt her orgasm tightening her hole exquisitely.

“Don’t get too comfortable Evelyn. It’s extra important we go pee and clean up,” Negan instructed, patting her worn out bum.

“Yes Daddy,” she grumbled, knowing he was right but still not wanting to leave the bed.

He helped her up and pulled one of his tshirts and shorts on her. Evelyn reveled in his scent. Negan smiled widely at her reaction. “I love being yours, Negan,” she whispered.

“Mine,” he reassured her, kissing Evelyn’s forehead and dressing so they could go.

* * *

Their connection moved beyond sexual as the couple talked more and opened up about their past.

While Evelyn enjoyed the growth of their emotional connection, it became difficult to keep up the lie about her age.

When Negan asked if she’d learned to drive, her initial thought was, _‘Nope, wasn’t old enough,’_ before realizing that she was _supposed_ to be old enough… Instead she responded, “No, my parents weren’t in a rush to teach me. We lived in the city and I used the bus a lot,” which was true enough. Evelyn internally patted herself on the back for catching herself. But what if she didn’t catch herself next time?

Evelyn learned more about Negan too, which felt like a gift. She wasn’t entirely surprised that he’d been a PE teacher before. “I went to college on an athletic scholarship. I was a wrestler,” Negan explained.

“Not baseball?” Evelyn teased him about Lucille.

Negan laughed, “No, but I played almost every sport when I was a kid, including baseball. I guess my best sport was wrestling, so I was recruited by a few universities. When I got there, I didn’t know what the hell I wanted to do as a career. I never thought about it, but you gotta study _something_ while you’re in college. My advisor said a lot of athletes studied Physical Education, so that’s what I did.”

“Did you like teaching?”

“Yeah, I liked it enough. I couldn’t teach at normal schools though. Had to teach at the reform schools with the kids whose parents didn’t give a shit. I guess I yelled too much, kept getting in trouble with the helicopter parents.”

“I can see that, you are an asshole,” Evelyn said, while affectionately kissing and holding his hand.

“Yeah, I am,” Negan chuckled. “What about you? What did you wanna be when you grew up?”

“Maybe a nurse or hospital administrator? I was in the hospital a lot because of my heart condition, plus both my parents worked there.”

“Really?” Negan asked, intrigued.

“Yeah, my dad was an LCSW, like a counselor. And my mom was a Registered Dietitian. They worked at the same hospital and I would have lunch with them in the cafeteria sometimes.”

Negan didn’t press her further about her parents. It was hard to talk about, she missed them so much.

Evelyn couldn’t bring herself to ask about Negan’s past relationships. She was afraid it would be too sensitive of a topic and he’d distance himself from her. As much as she wanted to know, she didn’t feel like it was worth the risk.

* * *

Penelope was starting to show signs of talking. She let herself squeak when she was happy or excited about something. And she even cried when she was sad or frustrated. This was a huge step.

All in all, things were going really well for Evelyn and she was happy.

But then Tina came into the picture. She was blonde, very pretty, only 19 years old, and needed help with her medications for type 1 diabetes (an annoyingly similar situation as Evelyn’s). She fell behind on points and the situation was brought to Negan’s attention. He immediately offered to marry her and she said she’d think about it.

That night, Negan’s proposal was the hot gossip around the Sanctuary. Evelyn wasn’t jealous that Negan had his wives, but she was jealous that he had no hesitation with changing their current dynamic. Was Negan unhappy or unsatisfied with how things were now?

Everything started going downhill quickly after that.

Tina disappeared with her sister and brother-in-law. Savior’s were killed trying to retrieve what they’d stolen. Then the sister and brother-in-law returned, saying that Tina had been killed by the undead.

So, Negan married Tina’s sister instead, Sherry. And he punished Sherry’s husband, Dwight, in the most gruesome way yet, with a hot iron to his face.

Prior to this, Evelyn had only witnessed Negan kill and punish when absolutely necessary. He had stray Saviors who rebelled and broke serious rules, so Negan killed them on the spot. It wasn’t public, Evelyn only watched from a window once because she was curious about Negan’s _other_ side. She only experienced him as a passionate lover, but she knew he had this violent and cruel side from his reputation.

Punishment for less serious offences were still barbaric, but less brutal and humiliating than melting someone’s face. Manual labor and fingers being chopped off were fairly common. But the iron was on a different level.

Now with five wives, Sherry added a new, negative energy to their whole dynamic. Evelyn couldn’t blame her. She had only married Negan to prevent him from killing Dwight and she was devastated by Tina’s death. Evelyn couldn’t imagine the pain.

Sherry was broken, like the shell of a person she used to be. Negan was unperturbed by this and seemed to have a renewed energy in rising to the challenge of _owning_ his new wife, while her ex-husband watched in the background. Teasing and tormenting Dwight became Negan’s new favorite pastime.

Negan did not care that Sherry didn't actively enjoy being with him, which set the bar low for the other wives. Dani, Frankie, and Tanya followed her lead and stopped _trying_ with Negan. They didn’t cherish the good parts anymore. They accepted him as something they just had to _do_ to survive. And Negan didn’t make an effort to repair their individual relationships.

A darkness settled over the Sanctuary. People feared Negan more than they used to. He now seemed unpredictable, like his decisions about people’s lives had more to do with how he was _feeling_ that day, rather than logic and fairness.

Evelyn didn’t know why, but Negan also decided to grant his Saviors more freedom than ever before. Negan used to handle all rule infractions, personally. Now, he let the Saviors be judge, jury, and executioner with very little accountability.

Evelyn hated this and it soured her feelings towards the Sanctuary, but she didn’t know how to tell Negan, or even if she should.

Negan and Evelyn’s relationship went along as it had before Tina and Sherry. At this point, Evelyn needed to be with him, so she decided to hope for the best and pretend like everything was fine.


	4. Don’t try to sleep through the end of the world and bury me alive/Cuz I won’t give up without a fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Panic! At the Disco - [This Is Gospel](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGE381tbQa8)
> 
> My goal for writing this story was 1 sex scene per chapter. Well, there's 2 in here so...
> 
> The first sex scene is super vanilla and fluffy. The second one is not. 
> 
> I genuinely wasn't going to do any sort of BDSM when I first envisioned this story (Not because I don't like it, I do, very much, but because I didn't think I could fit it in my timeline).
> 
> But then I stumbled upon [this article](https://cheezburger.com/1205509/jeffry-dean-morgan-cant-stop-fans-from-sending-him-sexual-fanmail) with a quote from JDM: "It's mostly women who I get really weird fan mail from... Like, they just want to be, I don't know, gagged and tied up and beat on a little bit."
> 
> And I was like _'Fuck yes that is what we want, you sexy beast!'_
> 
> So here we are :)

For their morning rendezvous, Evelyn liked to sneak into Negan’s room before he woke up. She crawled into his bed and under the blanket as quietly as she could. With the weather getting warmer, and in anticipation of Evelyn’s visits, Negan usually slept naked. He told her that he’d love to be woken up with a blow job, which she did occasionally, but Evelyn preferred to snuggle with him instead.

This morning, Evelyn got into bed with Negan without waking him, and he was indeed naked. She held him close and felt so relaxed that she drifted to sleep.

Evelyn was woken up some time later by Negan repositioning them. “Good morning, beautiful,” he whispered.

Evelyn shot up and started hyperventilating when she realized she’d fallen asleep.

Negan had no idea why she was freaking out. “What’s wrong? What happened?” He asked, starting to panic a little too.

“I shouldn’t have fallen asleep,” Evelyn said, calming her breathing but starting to cry. “What if I had an arrhythmia and died? I could have bit you.”

Once Negan understood, he hugged her and didn’t let go. “It’s ok, you didn’t die. You’re ok and I’m ok, see?” Negan took her hand and pressed it to his chest, over his heart. Evelyn felt the strong, fast beating under her palm and it helped slow her tears. She realized how much this heart, this man meant to her. She couldn’t hide her feelings anymore.

“Just wake me up when you come in, ok? Even if you fall back to sleep, I’ll stay awake. I promise.”

“Ok, I will, I’m sorry,” Evelyn said as shame grew in her gut over her panic attack, her heart condition, everything.

“Don’t apologize, it’s ok,” Negan grabbed a cloth and wiped up her face. “Come on, let’s just get our day started.”

Evelyn nodded and got off the bed. Negan followed, grabbing some clothes and dressing.

“You know I love you right?” Evelyn said quickly, before she lost the nerve to say it. “The others, they don’t mean it and you know that. But I do… I don’t expect you to say it back, I just needed you to know.”

Negan sighed and looked like he was trying to figure out what to say. Evelyn didn’t give him the chance and left his room, hoping her confession hadn’t undone all the progress they had made.

* * *

Evelyn spent the rest of the morning playing games and coloring with Penelope. She took her out of “school” for some one-on-one time. Evelyn tried to do this as often as she could, without impeding her education.

After lunch, Evelyn showed Penelope her room, which was one of her favorite pastimes. The wives were free to decorate their room however they wanted, but obtaining decorations while scavenging was a very low priority. Evelyn had asked Negan for stuff with animals, especially cats, and he had delivered.

Evelyn now had a poster of a tiger shaking off water, kittens sleeping in a hammock, and a colorful mama bear with her cubs.

Penelope just sat on her bed and looked at the posters. Sometimes she cried a little. It was heartbreaking to watch, but tears were better than her previous two settings: emotionless or panic. There had been nothing else in the last two years.

If Penelope could feel sadness, she could also feel happiness. The more she allowed herself to feel one emotion, the more she could feel the other. At least, that was Evelyn’s theory, based on what she could remember her dad teaching her about emotions and the brain…

After 30 minutes of mostly staring at the kittens, plus Evelyn giving her back and tummy rubs, Penelope fell asleep for a nap.

Evelyn couldn’t let herself fall asleep too, so she got up as carefully as possible to not wake her niece. There wasn’t much to do for entertainment in this post-apocalyptic world, so Evelyn had taken up journaling what she could remember before the outbreak. Sometimes what someone said or did in the present would trigger a memory and she’d try to write it down before she forgot.

A soft knock at the door interrupted her writing. Luckily it was soft enough not to wake Penelope.

Evelyn answered the door and it was Sherry. She opened her door wider so Sherry could see Penelope on her bed.

“Negan said he needed to see you,” she whispered simply.

Evelyn was glad Negan had sent someone else to knock on her door. He certainly would have woken up and startled Penelope.

“Ok, thanks,” she responded.

Sherry didn’t look happy that Evelyn was being summoned. She was protective of the wives. But Evelyn didn’t feel like they needed protecting. The rules and expectations were pretty straight forward, and Negan _was_ good to them.

“It’s fine, I had asked him for something last week. I’m sure one of his guys was able to find it out there,” Evelyn lied.

Sherry looked skeptical but let it go, nodding to her and walking away.

Evelyn went to her bed and woke Penelope up slowly, stroking her hair and talking to her. Once she was awake enough, Evelyn picked her up and took her back to the school area. Penelope pouted when she was put down but cooperated with a kiss and a wave goodbye before joining the other kids.

Evelyn made her way to Negan’s room, wondering what would happen. Did he want to talk and actually discuss their feelings? Evelyn doubted this. Maybe he no longer wanted to be her husband. Maybe he was so afraid of an emotional connection that it was easier to end it now.

The thoughts spun around her head until all she could feel was dread by the time she knocked on his bedroom door.

After a moment, Negan answered it and looked at her. Neither of them said anything for what felt like a long time, but it was probably only a few seconds.

Just when Evelyn had convinced herself that he was about to say, _“It’s over,”_ Negan was kissing her, pulling her into the room, and swinging the door closed behind them.

His kisses were intoxicating. It felt like every ounce of passion he possessed was being poured into her through his lips, consuming her soul, and his tongue, lighting her on fire, and his hands, electrifying her deepest and darkest places.

In the blink of an eye they were both naked and on the bed. Negan’s familiar scent and taste made her desperate for more, more, _more._

But he didn’t give in to Evelyn’s desire. He moved slowly across her body with his mouth and hands, like he wanted to make sure every inch was seen, touched, and _worshipped._

His pace was agonizing but it was like _nothing_ she’d ever felt before.

It felt like _love._

Evelyn gasped at the realization, which timed well with Negan licking into her folds and over her clit. She stared down at him with so many emotions. Surprise. Pleasure. Triumph. Joy. But also, so much sadness: That he wasn’t going to say it. That he could still deny they were in love. That he would continue to pretend that his wives were a means to an end, and that he didn’t _truly_ care about _any_ of them.

Negan moved a towel beneath them and returned his mouth to her pussy. He kept going and did not let up. His jaw and tongue had to ache. He brought his fingers into the mix, but never let his lips leave her body. It was overstimulating and overwhelming. Evelyn tried to twist her body away, just a little, but he wouldn’t let her. He draped his free arm over her hips and held her whole body still with just one hand. It made her feel small beneath him.

Tears fell from her eyes as she looked down at Negan in defeat. He was in charge and he was going to do what he wanted with her. Negan lifted his gaze to meet hers and growled at the sight of her tears, like he wanted to see more of them.

Negan switched his technique. His fingers had been on her clit while he licked into her wet hole. Now his lips were back on her clit, sucking and biting lightly, while his fingers entered her.

After months with Negan, her body had learned how to squirt with ease. She had tried to do it herself in private, but couldn’t.

Negan was addicted to his wives’ release soaking his face and drenching their soft, delicious pubic hair. Each of them with the sweetest difference in their noises and taste...

With just a couple carefully placed thrusts, Negan had her on the edge of squirting, then pulled his fingers out.

Evelyn groaned in frustration, more tears rolling down her cheeks.

He did this twice more before finally taking pity on her and letting her fall over the edge.

Evelyn’s body shook from head to toe as she came. Negan kept pressing that spot inside of her, making sure that every drop was milked from her body. Negan lapped it up, swallowing some, and sitting up to spit the rest on his dick, mixing it with his precum and making sure every inch of his length was wet and ready to be inside her.

Evelyn felt thoroughly sated and drained after cumming on his face. She could barely move to participate as Negan flipped her over and mounted her. This must be what people meant when they said, _“making love.”_ He was slow and deliberate with his thrusts, kissing her back, shoulders, hair with so much affection.

Negan pulled her up by her shoulders and turned her face so he could lick up her tears, still damp and tacky on her cheeks. He growled and let go of her, pushing her face back down into the bed and biting her neck and shoulder. Then Negan took her wrists and brought them near the headboard, pinning them to the bed with one hand and holding her hip steady with his other hand.

Negan’s breathing picked up and she knew he was close. Evelyn tried to jerk her wrists out of his grip, not because she wanted to escape, but because she knew Negan liked it, liked holding her in place, bending her to his will.

Negan gasped as he came, pulling out at the last second and releasing on her cheeks and back.

Evelyn couldn’t bring herself to be mad that he hadn’t used a condom. He’d been so good about it every time before.

For a moment she felt like this was proof of his love, but then she remembered Frankie and Dani telling her they had IUDs so he never used a condom with them.

Evelyn pushed the thought from her mind. Maybe that wasn’t proof, but the way he just worshipped and unraveled her body had to mean _something._

The pair cuddled close and entangled their limbs with Negan as the big spoon. He lazily kissed her skin and hair, unperturbed by his release drying between their bodies.

Evelyn realized they still hadn’t said one word since this morning. Should she say something? Should she tell him it was ok for him not to _“I love you?”_ Or should she stick up for herself and demand his honesty and commitment?

Her thoughts were stopped short as Negan’s breathing became slow and steady with a quiet snore.

Negan let himself fall asleep with her. He _never_ allowed this with any of his wives. Now this was proof of his feelings, Evelyn sighed in relief.

Evelyn soaked up the relaxing cuddles for as long as she could. But all too soon, she knew she had to get up before she fell asleep as well.

_‘Actions speak louder than words.’_

Everyone used to say this. Teachers, motivational messages, and her parents. Were Negan’s actions enough to replace words? What advice would her parents give her, if they were here?

Evelyn had no idea.

* * *

The next week felt like a honeymoon, by their current standards.

Negan only took one of his other wives back to his room that week. The rest of his free time was spent with Evelyn.

He came down to Penelope’s school and played Uno with her and Evelyn. While some adults avoided Penelope because of her lack of speech, Negan took it in stride. He was patient and waited for her nonverbal communication every time, never rushing her.

He went outside the Sanctuary and returned with a brand-new necklace, still with tags on it. Negan flipped the tag over for her to read: “Opal, the October birth stone.”

“You said your birthday was October 23rd, right?” he asked, looking a little nervous that he’d gotten it wrong.

It was actually the 28th, but Evelyn didn’t correct him. He got the month right and that’s all that mattered.

“Yeah, thank you so much,” Evelyn whispered, touched by the thoughtful gift.

Negan looked relieved. He removed the tag and carefully clasped it around her neck.

But he didn’t stop there. Negan decided they were leaving the Sanctuary together for a day-trip.

Evelyn hadn’t been outside the Sanctuary since she and Penelope had stumbled upon their outpost. Only Saviors were free to come and go, as long as it was on their own time and didn’t interfere with their duties. But people didn’t want to leave anyway, they were safe in the Sanctuary and had everything they needed.

The only thing they didn’t have was freedom. Being outside the Sanctuary, in a car, just her and Negan, was incredibly freeing.

“How many of those ugly pricks have you killed?” Negan asked.

Not romantic, but ok.

“I don’t know, not many. Maybe 10 or 11?” Evelyn answered.

“That’s all?”

“Yeah, I’m not that great with a weapon. If there was more than one, we’d just run and hide.”

“Did anyone teach you how to hold a knife, shoot a gun?”

“No,” Evelyn answered, looking down at her lap, starting to feel embarrassed by her incompetence.

“Hey, it’s ok,” Negan said, taking her hand. “How about I teach you a few things?”

Evelyn’s head shot up to look at him in wonder, “Really?!”

“Of course, baby. I hope you never have to use these skills, but I thought it would be productive and fun if we took out a few of ‘em.”

Evelyn squirmed in excitement. No one had ever given her the chance to learn this stuff. Her parents tried, but they were gentle people and had never learned self-defense, or hunting, or anything like that. Then the other groups since her parents died had treated her like a child. But she couldn’t really blame them, since she had acted more helpless around them. And the men liked to think they were her protectors, even though that couldn’t be further than the truth. 

Negan stopped the car by a field and honked the horn a few times before getting out. Evelyn followed and joined him on the road.

Negan spent the rest of the afternoon teaching her how to use her body weight, strength, and a knife against the undead. Even though Negan’s 6’1” frame made her feel small oftentimes, Evelyn was on the taller side for a female at 5’8”. And after months of eating well at the Sanctuary, she now felt stronger and more confident.

What they were doing was dangerous, one wrong move and they were dead. But Negan was so confident and capable. When more than one approached them, he took them out with Lucille, leaving her the weakest one to practice on.

Evelyn guessed that Negan knew this area had very few of the undead, because she only killed five or six. They spent most of the time with Negan instructing her and sparring with her.

The sun was getting low in the sky when five of the undead approached them. Negan went ahead of her to thin them out. Evelyn was about to handle the one he’d left for her when rasping noises alerted her to one behind her.

Evelyn ducked down at the last second so the two undead’s ran into each other. They quickly redirected towards her, but it was enough time for Evelyn to get behind one, stabbing it in the temple and using its body to keep the other away. She dislodged her knife and pushed with all her strength and they both fell to the ground. Evelyn stepped on the hand that was mindlessly reaching. She felt the fragile bones crunch under her boot before she easily stabbed it through the eye.

When she looked up, Negan was watching her, holding Lucille at the ready but clearly waiting to see how she did before intervening.

Evelyn was breathing hard, adrenaline coursing through her, while Negan stood there calmly.

“How’d that feel?” he asked.

Evelyn looked back down at the two she’d just killed, then at the others littering the ground around them. She wiped the sweat from her brow before realizing how dirty and bloody her hands were. She wiped her hands on her jeans and lifted the hem of her shirt to wipe her face with the cleaner inside portion. She wasn’t sure how to answer his question.

“Good,” she settled on. It was true, she felt tired, but not exhausted. She felt satisfied with her accomplishments. She felt _capable_.

Negan hummed thoughtfully.

Evelyn laughed, “What?”

“It’s just, I feel pretty good too, baby. Watching you like that, makes me so hard for you,” he said, grinning mischievously and sauntering towards her.

“You can’t be serious, we’re both covered in blood and sweat,” Evelyn said, laughing more at his insatiable craving for sex.

“Yeah,” he agreed, “we are pretty gross right now. But we’re alive, aren’t we? Unlike them.” He gestured around to the lifeless bodies.

Then he was right in front of her, his hands on her shoulders, looking in her eyes expectantly.

“We are alive,” Evelyn repeated, “For now anyway.”

Evelyn felt very sad whenever she was reminded of her own mortality. She could only guess at how long she had left... A year, maybe two? Her hand subconsciously reached up to feel the device in her chest, just under her skin.

Negan’s gut twisted painfully. He hated when she talked like that, but he knew it was true. There was no sense in denying it.

Negan gripped her shoulders tight and pulled her to him, kissing her deep.

Evelyn’s hands found his hips as she kissed him back.

“Come here,” Negan growled to her, leading her back to the car. He pushed her back to the door and began kissing her again.

“Wait, now? We’re really doing this now?” Evelyn said in disbelief when he broke the kiss.

Negan looked in her eyes and took her chin, “All we have is _now_ Evelyn.”

Evelyn couldn’t help the tears that fell. She didn’t want to leave, she didn’t want this expiration date hovering over her.

Negan kissed her again. She tried to keep up but he dominated and controlled the kiss, making her shiver and submit.

He quickly unbuttoned her jeans and shoved them down, taking one foot out of her shoes and pants. When he stood back up, he lifted her free leg around his waist and pushed his body into hers, rubbing his clothed dick against her exposed pussy. Evelyn moaned and tilted her head back against the car.

Then there was another type of moaning. Evelyn froze and looked around Negan’s shoulder as three of the undead approached them.

Negan stopped his hips and looked around, sighing in frustration. He looked back at Evelyn, “Don’t worry sweetheart, I’ll be right back.”

He kissed her lips and let go of her. Negan picked Lucille up from where he’d leant her against the car and swung her around, taking out the first one. The other two shifted their focus from Evelyn to Negan and moved towards him.

All Evelyn could do was watch as Negan broke their skulls open.

When it became quiet, and the only sound was Negan’s heavy breathing, he dropped Lucille and lunged for Evelyn. Consuming her with his strong, bloody hands.

“You still wet for me baby? Cuz I am _so_ hard and ready for you,” Negan whispered against her lips.

“Yeah, very wet for you Daddy, that was so hot,” Evelyn replied, trembling all over from how sexy and scary he was.

“Tell me what made you so hot for me darlin,” Negan knelt before her, taking her bare thigh and pressing it against the car as he pressed his face to her pussy.

Evelyn struggled to think and speak, “Y-you killed them. You c-could kill me.”

Negan stilled and looked up at her. Evelyn instantly worried that she’d said the wrong thing.

“Fuck, I keep forgetting how kinky you are,” Negan’s grip on her thigh tightened and his short nails of his ungloved hand dug into her skin, making her whimper in pain.

“Yeah baby, I could kill you. Right here. Tell them that it was an accident, no one would ever know," Negan paused, letting his words sink in as she shivered under him.

"But you know, I don’t want that Evelyn. I’d much rather keep you with me and torture you.”

Evelyn couldn’t hold herself up on one leg anymore, so she leaned heavily on Negan’s shoulder. He didn’t seem to mind as he buried his tongue in her bush once more.

As soon as her orgasm started to build, Negan stopped. He stood up and retrieved a handkerchief from his pocket and pushed it into her mouth, tying it around her head.

“There we go, now you won’t attract any more of those undead fuckers to interrupt us while I remind you _why_ you’re alive,” Negan spun her around so her back was to him and her front was against the car.

“Pain is what makes _us_ different from _them,”_ Negan whispered dangerously. “You feel pain when I want you to. You feel pleasure when I want you to. You _belong_ to me and I decide what you get to feel. You're alive to be with me.”

Evelyn nodded her head and whined, pushing her ass towards him in anticipation.

“You are such a slut, look at you. I ought to beat that ass with Lucille. You want that?”

Evelyn shook her head frantically. She knew he wouldn’t, but the thrill was intoxicating.

Negan chuckled, “Ok, I won’t use Lucille, but I’m still gonna hurt you, ok?”

He was giving her an out, like he always did.

But like always, she never took it and nodded her head.

Negan smacked her ass with his gloved hand. She jumped slightly and then melted, shivering against the car.

He hit her again and again, until her ass was red and glowing. Negan pulled off his leather glove to feel the heat of her abused skin.

“Perfect,” Negan whispered, then he smacked her with his bare hand. The pain was sharper and Evelyn started to squirm restlessly from the pain.

Negan reached down to feel her pussy and hummed in satisfaction that it was still wet with arousal.

Just then, two more of the undead stepped onto the road. Evelyn and Negan turned towards the sound, but neither were too upset this time.

Negan stepped away and Evelyn turned around to watch. Negan retrieved Lucille and bashed both of their heads in on the first try.

He turned back to Evelyn as she continued to squirm on the spot for him. Negan laughed sadistically at her desire for him like this.

The other wives would certainly be disgusted.

Negan unzipped his pants and took his dick out, approaching her. She squealed with want.

“You want this?” Negan asked, stroking his cock right in front of her.

Evelyn was nodding before he even finished asking the question.

Negan pushed her legs up and she wrapped them around his waist. He held her against the car as he pushed into her, their eyes rolling back in relief.

“That’s the good stuff, isn’t it?” Negan chuckled.

He thrusted into her hard and fast, building both of their orgasms. Negan was sweating and panting from the exertion of holding her up, but he kept changing the angle of his hips slightly, hoping he had trained her body enough to react the way he wanted.

Suddenly, he found the right spot. Negan knew from her gasp and the tightness squeezing him just a little bit more. He kept at that spot, pushing through his own muscle tiredness.

When Evelyn came, squirting all over his dick and pants, she screamed around the gag.

He knew it was too loud, and they had to move, but it was so beautiful and sexy, he had to cum with his dick soaked in her juices.

A few more thrusts and Negan unwrapped her legs so he could pull out and jerk his dick a couple times before cumming onto her bush, which was now dripping wet with clear and white fluids. 

“Jesus Christ,” Negan muttered, trying to recover quickly. He tucked himself in and zipped up his pants before picking Evelyn up. His back and knees protested, but he knew they _really_ had to move. He went back for Lucille and threw her in the back seat. As soon as they were all in the car, more than a dozen of the undead were moving towards them.

Negan hit the gas and pealed away from the small herd. Evelyn slowly recovered, as she untangled her pants and shoes, pulling everything back on correctly.

When she settled back into the seat, Evelyn turned to Negan. “I fucking love you,” she said with a sigh.

Negan tensed for a moment, then relaxed, placing his hand on her knee. “Of course you do, baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The tiger poster](https://www.amazon.co.uk/Shaking-Decorative-Animal-Photography-Poster/dp/B00TFVT5BK)   
[The kitten poster](https://www.amazon.com/Pyramid-America-Kittens-Hugging-Kimberlin/dp/B000SO8230/ref=sr_1_4?dchild=1&keywords=poster+kittens+sleeping&qid=1589852294&sr=8-4)   
[The bear poster](http://images.fineartamerica.com/images/artworkimages/medium/1/momma-bear-teshia-art.jpg)


	5. Give me envy, give me malice, give me your attention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Panic! At the Disco - [Time to Dance](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JfUug-R7M5g)
> 
> Sort of goes from S6, E12 through S7, E3

Evelyn couldn’t hide their relationship from the wives anymore. They noticed Negan’s affection towards her over the past week. They also figured out the fact that they’d gone on a day-trip together.

“They know,” Evelyn said when she brought it up to Negan.

“Know what?”

“They know that we… Have a _different_ relationship.”

“You’re my wife, just like them, nothing different about you,” Negan said, brushing her off.

That comment hurt Evelyn and brought their short honeymoon period to an end. While she’d hoped it had lasted longer, she couldn’t be surprised. This was the kind of bullshit she expected when Negan chose not to verbalize his feelings for her.

To prove his point, Negan married Amber the next day.

Amber had approached him shortly after he married Sherry. Amber asked to marry him, in exchange for her mother being taken care of without needing to earn points. Negan knew she had a boyfriend, Mark. He turned her down because he didn’t feel the situation was dire enough for Amber to be _truly_ loyal to him.

The day after Evelyn’s comment, Amber approached Negan again, crying and asking for help, promising to be faithful. Maybe a sixth wife would prove to Evelyn that she wasn’t _special._ They didn’t have a _different_ relationship. Everything was normal. Maybe a sixth wife would also convince himself…

Evelyn wasn’t happy with Negan, but she wasn’t going to let it show. The wives no longer worried about Negan and Evelyn. Why would he marry _another_ woman if he genuinely had feelings for her? Plus, Evelyn’s lack of outward jealousy or anger meant they no longer had any evidence to suggest something _different_ was going on.

But Evelyn demonstrated her protest by discontinuing her morning visits to Negan’s room.

Negan went back to his routine of sleeping with _all_ his wives nearly once a week. Which was an enormous feat now that there were _six_ of them. The wives didn’t understand his sudden change back to his old routine. They could only assume that Negan had found a stash of Viagra out there.

Negan would be _pissed_ if he knew his wives thought he needed _assistance_. Evelyn was secretly reveling in this knowledge.

* * *

A few weeks later, Negan took Evelyn back to his room. “I’m so glad to have you today, baby. Amber used to shave for that Mark kid and it’s still growing out. Just ain’t the same.”

Evelyn knew he’d taken Amber back last night. The jealousy that had pooled in her gut since his words _(nothing different about you)_ made her stomach churn. Evelyn didn’t know if she could do this.

“Oh,” she said noncommittally.

“I gotta have you now, darlin, let’s go to my room,” Negan said, winking at her.

Evelyn couldn’t move. She felt so torn, hurt, and scared.

Negan stopped tugging her hand when he realized she wasn’t moving. He turned to her, eyeing her angrily.

“Seriously? We’re doing this? If you don’t wanna be here, then leave. Send Sherry to my room instead.”

Evelyn slapped him across the face.

“Sherry won’t say _‘no’_ to you because you’ll kill Dwight. What kind of consent is that?” she said venomously.

Negan paused for a long minute, his eyes murderous and terrifying, “You think so? Or maybe she just knows her _place_ better than you do.”

Evelyn’s anger drained out of her. Negan didn’t understand her point-of-view and he never would. She lost all hope of this evolving into an equal relationship.

She reached up and touched the warm skin she’d slapped.

“I want to be here,” she finally said.

“Good, cuz that slap was fucking hot. I mean, do _not_ do it ever again, but _damn._ Come on.”

This time when Negan took her hand and tugged, she allowed it. Letting him take her into the lion’s den.

* * *

The next day, news of the satellite outpost’s annihilation spread through the Sanctuary.

There weren’t many people at the Sanctuary who knew someone at the outpost, so there was very little grief surrounding their deaths. Negan had once confided to Evelyn that he sent the men and women who couldn’t handle “normal” society to that outpost. He didn’t have enough of a reason to execute them, but he knew they would hurt innocent people if they were at the Sanctuary.

The residents of the Sanctuary were frightened by this genocide. Many of them knew residents at the other outposts and feared for their safety.

Negan was livid. He publicly vowed to find the culprits and ensure that they wouldn’t repeat their actions at the Sanctuary or any of the other outposts.

Evelyn was frightened by Negan’s shift in energy. She knew that he was a dangerous man right now and was about to do things that she couldn’t stomach. The wives tried not to think about it, but the anxiety hovering around the Sanctuary was palpable.

* * *

A couple days later, Negan returned to the Sanctuary a few hours after sunrise. He announced his triumph of subduing the threat to their lifestyle and safety. Everybody was relieved. Negan assured them that any further rebellion would result in their new prisoner being sent back in pieces.

A gruesome image, but Evelyn figured it was an effective scare tactic.

Later in the day, Sherry confided in the wives that her period was late. Late and missed periods were common due to the incredible stress, trauma, and malnutrition women endured nowadays. The wives tended to have regular cycles because they were so well taken care of. However, Sherry’s plight between Negan and Dwight was a significant stressor. She and Amber drank more and ate less than the rest of the wives. So it was equally possible that she was pregnant or missed this month.

Frankie and Tanya encouraged Sherry to tell Negan before seeing Dr. Carson. He was going to hear about it one way or another, and it was best if he heard it from her.

Sherry was distraught over the possibility of being pregnant with Negan.

When the opportunity came around to tell him, Sherry pulled herself together and appeared unafraid and neutral as she took Negan to her room to talk.

Negan did not express his feelings regarding the news. He instructed Sherry to give it a couple days (no sense in wasting a pregnancy test) before going to Dr. Carson.

The next day, Negan lashed out and executed a worker, who happened to be Dr. Carson’s assistant. The attack was sudden and unexpected, but the wives knew this was a sign that he wasn’t taking the news of a potential pregnancy well. No one doubted that the worker had broken a serious rule, but Negan’s personal involvement in rule infractions had decreased, so it was an unsettling surprise.

* * *

Sherry’s pregnancy test was negative. Negan and the wives were happy with the news.

And Negan gave no indication that he cared about one of his wives feeling so stressed out that she missed a menstrual cycle.

The next time Negan pulled Evelyn from the wives' lounge, she decided to be brave and broach the subject with him.

“Do you think we should all be a little more careful? To avoid what happened with Sherry?” she asked as Negan grabbed a beer.

Negan hummed unhappily about the subject but replied, “Nah, I don’t think so. Condoms and pulling out have worked so far, don’t see a need to change it.”

“You know all these condoms are expired, right? And using them correctly is only like 97% effective. Didn’t you see that _Friends_ episode?” Evelyn chuckled at the memory.

“Don’t worry about it baby, it’ll be fine,” he dismissed.

Evelyn doubted it would be fine, but what else could she do? Negan was refusing to acknowledge the risk and he was the one to decide their birth control method.

“Did you have kids, before all this?” Evelyn asked. She was nervous about his reaction, but this conversation was an opportunity that she couldn’t pass up. Besides, Negan was still talking to her the most out of his wives.

“No,” Negan answered, eyeing her like he was trying to find out what her intentions were.

Evelyn waited for him to elaborate, but he didn’t. An uncomfortable silence settled over the pair as they sat together on the leather couch.

“That’s good,” she finally said. “People who didn’t have kids before the outbreak didn’t have to watch them die, or leave them orphaned.”

Negan took a sip of his beer, watching her thoughtfully. “The group we found, from Alexandria, their leader has a kid. He must be 16 or 17 now. Still alive, but missing an eye,” Negan chuckled. “He’s a badass. If I had a kid, that’s who I’d want him to be like.”

Evelyn nodded, placing a hand on his thigh. “Well, maybe one day things will settle down and you’ll be able to have one.”

Negan laughed, “Sweetheart, I’m 42 years old and we’re in the apocalypse. This is no time to have a baby.”

Evelyn was shocked that he’d just confided his age _and_ she learned that he never had kids. She forced her face to be impassive, like the news wasn’t a monumental achievement.

She attempted a casual shrug, “My dad had me at 43.”

Negan just shook his head, looking down at the bottle in his hands. His eyes were distant, like he was remembering something that was once good, but now painful to think about.

Evelyn’s hand moved to his cheek, turning his eyes to hers.

“Let’s just focus on today instead. All we have is now, right?” Evelyn repeated his words. He’d said them only a few weeks ago, but it felt like such a long time.

“You’re right, baby,” Negan said, placing a hand over hers.

“I love you,” Evelyn whispered.

Since Negan never returned the sentiment, he kissed her in response.

“I want you on my bed in nothin’ but the necklace I got you,” Negan instructed when they broke the kiss.

The wives had a lot of jewelry to share, and Negan liked them to wear it. But Evelyn no longer switched up her necklaces, she now only wore Negan’s. It was the closest she was gonna get to a wedding band.

Negan was _such an asshole_ for denying their relationship. Evelyn figured this was going to be her only time to be in love, and she couldn’t even experience it fully.

Still, Evelyn did as he asked, even taking off her watch, rings, and bracelet she’d picked out for the day. Negan watched as he finished his beer.

She laid down on his bed, stretching out and getting comfortable.

A loud knock on the door reverberated through the room.

“Perfect timing,” Negan grinned, setting down his empty bottle.

Evelyn watched as he answered the door, not bothering to cover up. She felt a thrill vibrate down to her core. They hadn’t discussed more exhibitionist play since their first experience, but Negan seemed to have thought this one through.

Dwight and the prisoner, Daryl, were at the door and Negan led them in.

Evelyn rolled to her side and rested on her elbow to watch them.

Dwight made a choked off noise before containing himself. Daryl growled angrily, looking from Evelyn to Negan.

“Daryl, I don’t know you very well, I’ll admit it. We haven’t had a chance to get to know each other. But I’m wondering if you might be a sex-driven man, like I am. Maybe you’re less impressed with a comfortable, fully furnished room. Maybe you’re a physical man with _carnal_ needs. You make a better choice than the other day, and you could be livin’ like this. A beautiful woman waiting in your bed every night. Dwighty-boy here can have this too and he knows it. As long as it’s not one of my wives and she says yes, this,” Negan grazed his fingertips over her hips and thighs, “could be yours. Now, I’m not gonna ask _who you are_ tonight, but I wanted to give you something to think about before our _special_ outing tomorrow. Mull it over in your cold, lonely cell, got it?”

Negan affectionately tucked a stray hair behind Evelyn’s ear, then trailed his fingers over her breasts and waist.

Dwight and Daryl didn’t respond for a long moment but kept their eyes on her.

“What the hell ya makin’ her do that for?” Daryl muttered with a quiet but serious air and a southern accent.

“Woah!” Negan exclaimed, dramatically. “I’m not _making_ her do a _damn_ thing! This is for her enjoyment as much as yours. My dear wife, Evelyn, loves being watched. Gavin didn’t tell you Dwight?”

Evelyn moaned at the memory, breathing harder from arousal.

“Why don’t you show them how much you like it baby?”

Evelyn looked up at Negan to make sure he was serious. He was. She took a breath, then turned around on the bed and spread her legs, revealing her glistening pussy to the three men.

“Damn! Would you look at that? Beautiful. And that’s all from you two lookin’ at her. Haven’t even touched her yet, isn’t that right baby?”

“Yes Negan,” she responded automatically.

“Awesome,” Negan smiled down at her before turning to Dwight and Daryl. “I think that’s enough for one day. Take Daryl back to his cell.”

Dwight grabbed Daryl by the back of his shirt and tugged him towards the door. Daryl looked furious, like he wanted to throw a punch at Negan. But he didn’t get the chance as he was swiftly pulled out of the room.

“That was perfect baby. Ready to suck my cock?”

“Of course Negan, thank you,” Evelyn turned around and laid on her back, scooting down until her head hung off the bed.

“Jesus Christ,” Negan cursed before guiding his rock hard dick into her mouth and throat.

While she took him in impossibly deep, he lightly thrusted his hips and leaned over the finger her pussy. 

She moaned as much as the position allowed, sending vibrations through his cock.

“Baby you are so much fun and goddamn irresistible. What am I gonna do with you?" Negan was able to get the deepest into her throat at this angle, cutting off her airway with every thrust in. She breathed through her nose with every thrust out, but it wasn’t enough.

But they’d played this game before. Evelyn reached out and gripped his thigh before tapping twice in warning. Negan didn’t stop, since this was only the first warning. He wanted to push her further. A couple thrusts more and her throat was swallowing and constricting around him involuntarily. His eyelids fluttered and he groaned in pleasure.

Evelyn moaned as everything became darker and her pulse pounded in her ears. She finally gave him the last signal of three taps and Negan pulled out quickly. Thick spit clung to his cock as he took a moment to wipe some on her face before hauling her up.

Evelyn shook all over and fought to breathe again. She clung to Negan’s arms as he lifted her up and moved her to the middle of the bed, quickly going down on her. Evelyn couldn’t handle the stimulation as she continued to catch her breath. She cried out and tears fell down her cheeks.

Then Negan was on top of her, pushing his cock into her and gripping her neck. She cried more.

“Take it,” he growled in her ear.

Negan leaned up to grip her throat, cutting off her airway again. His other hand reached down to rub her clit. It didn’t take long for her to grip his forearm and signal the first two taps. Negan pushed harder into her and felt her cum as her walls clamped and released around him. She couldn’t give him the second warning but he let up, knowing she was spent.

Evelyn coughed and gasped, which further tightened her pussy around Negan’s cock. The trust and connection it took for them to do this was a turn on in itself. Seeing her get off on it was mind blowing. Negan barely pulled out in time to cum on her bush and down her thighs.

Negan helped her drink water and clean up. He wrapped her in a light blanked and snuggled as close as he could.

“Did you like that baby? I was a little harder on you than usual. Just got so riled up showing you off to them, _Jesus_. What are you doing to me?”

Evelyn tried to speak but decided against it for now, so she just nodded and held Negan close.

After several peaceful minutes, Negan broke the silence.

“I gotta tell you something Evelyn,” he said as he stroked her hair.

Evelyn shifted to look up at him hesitantly.

“Tomorrow I’m going to Alexandria. There’s a woman with them who I want to bring back as my wife. She didn’t look too good, so I hope she’s ok. But I know how my new wives have created a… rift between us… I guess I want you to know, it’s not personal this time. I think this would be a good strategy between the Sanctuary and Alexandria.”

Maybe there was a glimmer of hope for an equal relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Friends_ reference from S8, E3


	6. If it feels good, tastes good/It must be mine/Heroes always get remembered/But you know legends never die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Panic! At the Disco - [Emperor’s New Clothes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qFF2v8VsaA)
> 
> S7, E4

Evelyn sat near the gate entrance on the steps with Penelope in her lap. They had a handful of books that Evelyn was reading to her. Sometimes Penelope made her read the same book over and over. She couldn’t complain, at least the little one was showing an interest in reading.

The trucks returning to the Sanctuary rumbled towards them and the gates were opened. Negan and the Saviors were back from Alexandria.

Evelyn stopped reading and wrapped her arms around Penelope as they watched the trucks park and begin unloading.

Dwight supervised Daryl as they moved guns, furniture, and other household items out to be inventoried. Neither of them looked up to see her.

But Negan did, he hopped out of the truck and his eyes immediately met Evelyn’s. His smile took her breath away.

“Penelope, can you go back inside? Take the books with you?” Evelyn asked, taking her off her lap.

“_Neee_,” Penelope whined, trying to go down the steps instead of up them. Her little squeaks had evolved into two letter words. ‘Negan’ was easy, since she heard the name at least 10 times a day, every day.

Evelyn held her arm to keep her from going down to the courtyard. “Ok, ok, you can say ‘hi’ to Negan, but you have to wait up here with me, ok?”

Penelope nodded and stopped struggling. Negan yelled orders at the Saviors around him and made his way towards the girls.

“Hi,” Negan said as he reached them, picking Penelope up to hug her.

“Hey, so no seventh wife?” Evelyn asked, getting straight to the point.

Negan frowned at her, “No, she didn’t make it that night. Damn tragedy.”

“Oh,” Evelyn said, more relieved than anything. She couldn’t imagine the wives’ moral any lower, but a new wife from another group, whose husband was murdered by Negan, would definitely create more negativity and anxiety. “But, even if she was alive, you couldn’t expect her to want to marry you. Come on, you killed her husband.”

Negan shrugged and moved Penelope to his other hip, “I killed Dani’s husband and she married me.”

“_What_?” Evelyn asked, shocked by the revelation.

“Yeah, I’m not surprised she doesn’t talk about it. He had a drinking problem, kept stealing liquor and beer. Didn’t matter that I’d already cut off a finger as a warning. So I killed him and put him on the fence,” Negan poked Penelope’s nose while he talked, making her giggle.

Evelyn looked around to the fence.

“He’s not there anymore. This was a while ago. His body fell apart, wasn’t doing the fence any good,” Negan sighed. “They don’t last too long up there, maybe a few months. Would love to find a way to keep them longer.”

Negan looked out at the fence thoughtfully, then put Penelope down. “Anyway, I brought something fun back from Alexandria. Why don’t you come up to my room in about an hour?”

Evelyn checked her watch and nodded, taking Penelope’s hand.

“Good girl,” Negan said, patting her cheek. “And you too, Penelope. How about you help your aunt get these books back inside, ok?”

Penelope nodded enthusiastically and started picking up the books quickly.

“I like to see that hustle! Keep teaching her right, Evelyn,” Negan said as he propped Lucille back on his shoulder and walked down to the trucks.

Evelyn frowned. So much of her time “raising” Penelope had been about survival. Now it was all about recovery. Was she teaching her right? And what was “right” anymore?

* * *

An hour later Evelyn was knocking on Negan’s door. He answered in just a towel around his waist, fresh out of the shower. He looked so damn good that it hurt. 

“So you have something fun for me?” she asked as she entered the room, looking around for the mystery item.

“More like something fun for _us_, baby,” Negan replied, grinning mischievously from ear to ear.

Evelyn raised a brow, waiting for him to continue.

Negan showed her the camcorder. She laughed, taking it from him and inspecting it. “What are we supposed to do with this?”

Negan looked at her like she should know. But she didn’t. Why was he looking at her so suggestively?

“You never watched amateur porn? Never took videos or pictures for a boyfriend?”

Evelyn shuddered at the thought of her 14 year old self doing those things. No fucking way.

She shook her head, “Is that what you want to do? Record us having sex? Who will see it?”

“Just us, baby. Unless _you_ want someone else to watch it. It’ll be so hot, showing you how sexy you look with my dick down your throat. You’ll like this game, I promise,” Negan put down the camcorder and looked her in the eye, running his thumb over her bottom lip.

It did sound fun. Was this normal? Or was it one of those kinky things Negan liked to point out that only she was into.

As if reading her mind, Negan whispered to her, “A lot of people like to do this, but it’s _so much better_ when we’re both super into it. You’re my kinky little girl, right? You want to play Daddy’s game?”

“Of course Daddy, I always want to play with you.”

Negan kissed her breathless, running his fingers through her hair, pulling her closer. Always consuming her mind, body, and soul.

“Get on your knees,” he growled, suddenly not playful or tender. So this is how today was going to be.

Evelyn obeyed, dropping down and grateful she’d worn jeans instead of shorts for her knees.

Negan petted her hair thoughtfully, “Take your top off.”

Evelyn did so, leaving her in just her thin lace bra. Negan picked up the camcorder and turned it on pointing it down to her. It was bizarre and uncomfortable, Evelyn didn’t know what to do.

Negan removed the towel around his waist. Naturally, he was already hard.

The camcorder was supposed to be fun, but Evelyn found it easier to imagine it wasn’t there. As if this was like one of the countless blow jobs she’s given him. She held Negan’s dick at the base and kitten licked the head, looking up into his eyes, just how he liked.

“Look at the camera, baby girl. Want you to see what I see,” Negan said breathlessly. He was _really_ into this.

Evelyn’s eyes slowly moved down and turned towards the camcorder. The little red light blinked at her. She took the head into her mouth and swirled her tongue around the tip, slowly taking more of him in, then pulling back to lick from base to tip.

“That’s it, show the camera what you’re good at, slut,” Negan pulled at her hair with his free hand, eliciting a pained whine from her.

“Your slut, Daddy,” she faithfully whispered against his dick.

Evelyn took him into her throat and bobbed her head, relishing the feel and taste of him.

Suddenly, Negan pulled her off by the hair and moved her around the coffee table. He placed the camcorder down, pointing at them in front of the couch.

With one hand in her hair, Negan slapped her face with the other. It wasn’t nearly his full strength, but it wasn’t light either. The pain blossomed across her cheek and tears welled in her eyes. Her bottom lip trembled as she looked up at Negan, silently asking for mercy or for more. She didn’t know.

Negan knew. He slapped her on the other side, a little harder. Her tears fell and streaked down her face, now red and blotchy.

“You like the pain, baby? I know you do. You’re not just my slut, you’re my filthy, twisted slut,” Negan hissed, pinching her cheeks together, nails digging into her tender skin.

“Yes Daddy, please fuck me. Please fuck my mouth, my pussy, please,” she begged, gripping his thighs and leaning in to take his cock back into her mouth.

He allowed it, loosening the grip on her hair as she continued to bob up and down.

Negan let her go on like that for a few minutes before stopping her again, holding her head still.

“Relax your jaw slut, I’m gonna fuck you,” he growled dangerously.

Evelyn let her mouth fall open and relaxed as much as she could. Then he was slamming into her, hitting the back of her throat, making her gag and cry. Spit and tears ran off her chin and down her chest.

It had to look disgusting. Evelyn liked it, God help her, she loved it. But seeing it was another thing. Every tear and breath and moan documented. She wasn’t sure she could handle the final product of this game.

It was scary. But Negan was scary. He was violent and hot-tempered and nothing like the type of man she thought she would marry.

Except for this. Negan took her yearning for sexual exploration and ran with it. She always knew she’d be different, but she didn’t know how. Maybe she’d be bisexual or poly, like her parents. But no, she had to be a masochistic exhibitionist, as Negan had thoughtfully pointed out were the correct terms for her kinks.

With a final thrust, Negan gripped her hair and held her still as he came down her throat. He pulled out quickly to make sure some of his cum sprayed on her face.

Both of them were breathing hard, trying to catch their breath. Evelyn’s throat and face ached _exquisitely_.

With trembling hands, Evelyn ran a finger through the cum on her cheek and sensually licked it off. Her eyes flicked from Negan’s to the camcorder.

Negan laughed in disbelief, “How do you keep surprising me, baby girl?” He clicked off the camcorder and the red light stopped. Negan cleaned them up and sat on the couch, pulling her into his lap.

“Hand me the camcorder, darlin. We’re gonna watch the masterpiece we just created.”

Evelyn was hesitant but curious. She handed Negan the camcorder and sat back to watch. He pushed some buttons and then she was looking at herself, kneeling before Negan and his huge, hard cock.

She shifted uncomfortably, it was weird to see herself in a way that wasn’t a mirror.

“Christ, that is hot, isn’t it, Evelyn?” Negan was already growing hard beneath her.

He wasn’t wrong. There was something tantalizing about this. They looked good together, no denying it.

But Evelyn now saw a bit of what other people must see. The age difference between them. Even though Negan was strong and lean, his skin just wasn’t as firm and silky as Evelyn’s. He’s 42 and she’s 19 (16) and it showed now in striking detail to Evelyn.

She turned away from the screen to look at Negan. His facial hair was getting longer than she’d ever seen it. It was an attractive feature, but his cheeks really couldn’t go wrong with those dimples. The lines around his eyes did not diminish his attractiveness. If anything, they added to it. He was alive and people who lived had the fortune of aging. He could live through this shit world. Not just survive but thrive. His fierce hazel eyes emphasized this. He was an ideal mate during the apocalypse.

Negan made a surprised noise as his lips were suddenly attacked by hers. Demanding his full attention. His full devotion. Her mate.

Negan leaned over and put the camcorder back on the coffee table, now with a book angling the camera up to them. He broke away from her to steady it and turn it back on, that little red light taunting her.

Evelyn straddled him and held his face as she kissed him. Negan’s hands roaming over her body. Caressing and grabbing. Gentle and rough.

“Knew you’d like this, baby. Now turn around and sit on my dick.”

How could anyone say no to that? Evelyn hopped off his lap and took off the rest of her clothes.

She felt more confident now, as she sat back against Negan’s chest, looking into the camera and biting her lip, pushing her hair out of her face and positioning herself.

He held the base of his dick for her to slide down. She did so easily, her wet folds parting effortlessly to accommodate his huge cock.

Evelyn dug her heels into the couch cushions and began moving up and down. Her thigh muscles began to ache in protest, but she ignored the pain.

“You gonna squirt on my cock baby? Squirt all over the camera?” Negan reached around to play with her breasts, pinching her nipples and cupping them roughly.

Evelyn whined high and needy, positioning herself at just the right angle before going to town.

Her orgasm hit her quickly, and soon she was pulling off his cock and soaking it, squirting all the way to the coffee table, little drops falling on the camcorder and onto the wooden surface.

Negan pushed her down with her back on the couch, hiking her legs up to re-enter her, chasing his second orgasm.

She laid there limply, moaning and shaking as the orgasm continued to ripple through her.

Negan pulled out and came on her bush. Much less than last time, but enough for the white pearls to contrast beautifully against her dark curls.

Negan picked up the camcorder and zoomed it in over his cum on her bush, then moved it to her face.

“How do you feel baby girl?” He asked huskily.

“Amazing, Negan. I love you.”

Negan smiled and turned off the camera, then pulled her up to cuddle on his bed.


	7. And with the way you’ve been talking/Every word gets you a step closer to Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Panic! At the Disco - [Nails for Breakfast, Tacks for Snacks](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jaVUP0dvow)
> 
> Alright guys, I’ve stretched the infamous S7, E7 from chapter 7 through 11… It’ll make sense as you read it :)

The second round from the machine gun piqued Evelyn’s interest. She walked to the room with the best view of the gate.

Outside, Evelyn could see a supply truck with Saviors surrounding it, two laying on the ground, lifeless. Negan was in the middle, offering his hand out to a teenaged boy with long hair and a bandage over one of his eyes. When the kid finally took Negan’s hand, he bent over and picked up a brown Sheriff’s hat. Evelyn remembered Negan mentioning the son of Alexandria’s leader missing an eye. This must be him, and it looked like he had killed a couple Saviors with that machine gun.

Negan and the kid eventually went inside and the Saviors got to work cleaning up. Evelyn made her way back to the lounge, and explained what she saw to the wives who had also heard the machine gun.

A little while later, Negan walked into the lounge with the kid. Evelyn felt her heart skip a beat. His tall, lanky, androgynous frame did something for her. She found him very attractive.

_“Ladies, don’t mind the kid,”_ Negan announced as they entered.

Negan was talking quietly to him, but Evelyn was able to catch the last part, _“You're gonna wanna look at their titties. It's cool, I won't mind, they won't mind, knock yourself out."_ Negan nodded encouragingly to the kid before addressing Sherry.

Evelyn had a feeling that most of the wives would, in fact, mind. But ok.

_“Make yourself comfortable kid.”_

He did not make himself comfortable, the kid seemed rooted to the spot. He was enamored by Negan, watching his every move as the older man got himself some drinks and had a whispered conversation with Sherry.

Evelyn stayed where she was, sitting on the couch with Tanya. The air was thick with tension from Amber’s “mistake.” Evelyn felt bad for Amber, but the rules were clear. Plus, Negan was everywhere. How could she go into the affair thinking they’d get away with it?

Negan spoke with Sherry, then Amber. Both women were on the verge of tears. How could he think this was all ok? They were miserable.

_“Wasn’t hard on her, even though I am very hard in general,”_ he said loud enough for everyone in the room to hear. Asshole.

Negan leaned in to kiss Sherry. After a moment, she kissed back. Evelyn suspected that Negan knew Dwight would come by any minute. He went out of his way to torment the formerly married couple. Today was no exception.

Evelyn almost missed it, but she was able to catch Negan giving the kid an order,_ “Carl, will you get this tray for me?”_

Carl.

_“Do not make me stick this toothpick through the only eye he has,”_ he grumbled to Daryl.

Still in hot water. But if Negan wanted to kill him, he’d be dead by now. Evelyn was surprised by Negan. He was treating Carl like he’d never treated any of his men before. This kid took down a few Saviors and, presumably, threatened Negan’s life. And Negan looked at him with… Admiration maybe? Affection? Why?

Carl left with Negan. And Daryl left with Dwight. The floodgates opened for Sherry and Amber.

* * *

It was time for Amber and Mark to get the iron, just like Sherry and Dwight had. But now, Dwight was helping with the process. Knowing exactly how it felt. How Mark’s life was about to change forever. Forever stained by Negan.

The punishment went as well as one could assume. Humiliating and painful for everyone. Especially Mark, of course.

Daryl looked particularly upset that Carl was witness to this. Interesting.

_“Some crazy shit, huh? You probably think I’m a lunatic. Come on, let’s go figure out what to do with you.”_

“And one of you,” Negan motioned to his harem huddled together, “My room, 15 minutes, okay?”

Negan didn’t wait for a response, just guided Carl up the stairs.

The only wives not outwardly traumatized or comforting Amber were Evelyn, Dani, and Tanya. The three looked at one another, silently trying to figure out who the hell should sleep with Negan 15 minutes after he ironed someone’s face.

Evelyn’s gut told her to look like she was disgusted by the idea too. But she knew Carl would still be in Negan’s room, or maybe she’d pass him in the hallway. Either way, she wanted to be the one.

“I’ll go,” Evelyn stated, too quickly. Dani and Tanya raised their eyebrows at her. All she could do was shrug noncommittally and escape towards the bathroom the wash up.

* * *

15 minutes later, Evelyn was in front of Negan’s door. She was disappointed at not running into Carl but hoped that meant he was still in the room.

Evelyn didn’t think, just opened the door. She realized too late that she should have knocked.

_“I think you’re not saying what you’re gonna do to me, because you’re not gonna do anything. If you knew us, if you knew anything, you would kill us. But you can’t.”_

_“Maybe you’re right. Maybe I can’t.”_

Negan bit his bottom lip and clapped his hands, finally turning to Evelyn. His eyes lit up impossibly more as he realized which wife had followed his order.

“Come in, sweetheart, and close the door. Carl, I don’t believe you’ve officially met Evelyn yet. She was in the lounge earlier, but since you did not make yourself comfortable, as I suggested, you did not have the opportunity to talk to this lovely young woman.”

Evelyn did as she was told and blushed, fighting the urge to look down. Her gaze flickered from Negan to Carl, who hadn’t moved from the position she found them in, with Negan sitting on the couch and Carl standing over him. Carl looked surprised and confused by Evelyn’s presence.

Now that Evelyn was closer to Carl, she could clearly see his unbandaged, empty eye socket. She didn’t know what she had expected to see, but this wasn’t it. It was shocking, but Evelyn kept her face blank, knowing all too well the shame one felt when people learned about your _abnormality_.

“Nice to meet you,” Evelyn said, crossing the room and holding her hand out for Carl. He continued to stare at her, unmoving.

Negan chuckled, “Damn kid, you really are adorable! This nice lady is being polite and you’re too busy looking at her titties to be polite back.”

Carl immediately shot a glare at Negan. All three of them knew Carl hadn’t been looking at her chest, but Negan _had_ to make things sexual all the damn time.

Carl turned back to Evelyn and finally shook her hand. Evelyn felt tingles run up her arm and through her spine. Such smaller and smoother hands than Negan, but still building up callouses from this undead world.

“Well, it’s been a long ass day! Carl, where does your daddy think you are right now?”

Carl hesitated before answering, “He’s out scavenging for you. I left a note to tell him I was going out.”

“Out for a few hours or a few days?” Negan asked.

Carl glared at him, trying to decide if he should tell the truth or not.

“I’ll know if you’re lying to me, Carl. Come on, it’s not a hard question. Does daddy think you’ll be out for a few hours or a few days?”

“Days,” Carl grumbled.

“Good, very good,” Negan stood up, crowding into Carl’s space, who immediately took a couple steps back from the larger man. “You’re going to stay here tonight, and maybe even tomorrow night too. Your _full_ punishment for killing my men is that I want to see your disgusting, rad as hell empty socket until I’ve taken you back to Alexandria.”

Carl did not look happy, but kept his mouth shut. He now knew that this was merciful for Negan’s standards.

“Now, for the fun part, you’re in for a real treat, Carl,” Negan winked at the younger man and walked over the Evelyn, reaching out to stroke her cheek. “Evelyn here is gonna help me _unload_ some tension from today’s events. Turns out I _do_ have time to screw one of my wives today!”

“You,” he turned to Carl, “can stay here _or_ leave. The spare bedroom is down the hall to the right, four doors down,” Negan turned back to Evelyn, “But if you stay, I bet you’ll see something you’ve never seen before.”

Evelyn knew exactly what Negan wanted from her and she couldn’t have been more thrilled about it. She broke eye contact with Negan for a moment to see Carl’s horrified expression, but he remained unmoving, watching them. Evelyn dropped to her knees and looked back up at Negan as she opened his pants.

She heard Carl gasp as he fully realized what was happening. Evelyn nuzzled and kissed Negan’s cock through his boxers, both making pleased noises.

Suddenly, Carl was moving towards the door. Evelyn wanted to call out to him, ask him to wait, to just watch, please. But she chose to jerk Negan’s boxers down and take his length into her mouth.

This was her way of asking Carl to stay. And it worked. Carl stumbled to a stop before reaching the door. She figured he was shocked by the sight. Definitely a virgin.

“That’s it,” Negan groaned out blissfully, lightly thrusting his hips as she wetted his dick and took more into her mouth. “Baby, let’s go sit down,” Negan said, stilling his hips and lightly tugging at her hair.

Evelyn pulled off and let him walk to his leather couch. Then she looked behind her shoulder at Carl and saw the mixed feelings flicker across his face. Intrigued but a little horrified… And also hard.

Evelyn crawled sensually to Negan, wiggling her hips at Carl.

Negan watched the interaction and laughed. “You got a little crush, Carl?”

Evelyn was afraid he’d say no, hoped he’d say yes. But Carl said nothing

Negan stroked his dick as she reached him. Once Evelyn was settled between his legs, she batted his hand away and continued worshipping his cock.

“You ever had a blow job, kid?”

More silence, except for the wet, slurping sounds.

“Ah man, I’m disappointed in you, Carl. You’re too bad ass not to be getting some of this. It feels so fucking good.”

Negan’s hands were in her hair now, guiding her up and down. Evelyn was in heaven, listening to Negan say those things, knowing Carl was watching her.

“You could have this with some teen girl from Alexandria, Carl. It wouldn’t be quite as good as Evelyn here, but they improve with practice. Gotta use that mouth, get her used to it, tell her what feels good. Then you can return the favor, get a good taste of pussy-_shit_!”

Evelyn hadn’t meant to push Negan’s cock down her throat. The mental image of Carl eating her out was what made her surge forward involuntarily, moaning around Negan’s length.

Evelyn sensed Carl taking a step closer to see better, which sent a thrill to her core.

Negan seemed pleased as well, groaning and laughing. Clearly amused by Carl’s curiosity.

“You ever been with a girl, Carl? How about a guy, hmm?” Negan teased.

“Ju-“ Carl cleared his dry throat, “Just a kiss with a girl. Today actually.”

Evelyn tried not to feel jealous, but she did. His first kiss, so sweet.

Negan tutted disapprovingly, “Come on, kid! You’re how old? 16, 17?”

“16.”

“Shit, I lost my virginity at 16. How about you darlin?” Negan pulled her hair to take her mouth off his dick.

Evelyn groaned unhappily but answered honestly, “14.”

“Fuck, horny little slut aren’t you, Evelyn,” Negan degraded, knowing she would eat it up.

“Yes Negan, your slut,” Evelyn felt like the words were spoken on autopilot. She felt conflicted, her interest in Carl surprised her. She hadn’t felt an attraction and pull towards anyone since Negan. Evelyn tried to escape Negan’s grasp to continue licking and sucking his cock, but he held her hair firm. 

“That’s right, baby.” It felt like Negan was staring into her soul, making sure she was with him, 100%.

Negan must have been convinced, because he finally loosened his grip and leaned back, letting Evelyn get back to it.

Now that Carl no longer seemed like a flight risk, she took her time. Evelyn licked up Negan’s length slowly, over and over, making sure to lick it from all angles. Then she focused on his tip, licking and kissing it all over before opening her mouth and taking it in. Once she wrapped her lips around the base of the head, she hollowed her cheeks and swirled her tongue around the tip.

“Fuck, fuck, _fuck_. You are awesome at that baby, but let’s get a move on, I want to cum down that sweet throat.”

Evelyn obeyed, taking the rest of his length and bobbing up and down, just how he liked.

After a few minutes, Carl seemed to get antsy, shifting from one foot to the other a few times before palming his erection through his jeans.

“Ah man, this must suck for you kid, seeing such a pretty sight and not getting to feel a damn bit of it!”

Negan finally stopped talking as he got closer to his release. A few more bobs and he gripped Evelyn’s head, holding her down as he shot his load, forcing her to swallow. Not that Evelyn minded it one bit.

After Negan caught his breath, he said, “Now, an important lesson Carl. Normally you return the favor, be a gentleman. Make sure your woman is just as satisfied as you are. Sadly, I’m gonna need a rain check on that, baby. I’m sorry, can you forgive me?”

“Of course Negan,” Evelyn said right away.

“Thank you baby, that’s why you’re my favorite,” he winked and helped her to her feet. So he was back to calling her his favorite now. Odd.

Negan reached around her for a piece of cloth to wipe them up. “Alright I got some business to attend to. By the way Carl, you’re welcome to take the camcorder. I admit it, I feel sorry for you. No porn in this world. When I was your age, I loved this porno with this guy and gal. He rubbed his dick through her cute little bush and between her ass cheeks. So hot. But nothing compared to Evelyn. If she’s cool with it, you should take that back to your room and jerk off. It’s so fucking hot.

“I’ll see you both in the morning,” Negan gave Evelyn a kiss, walked around Carl to grab Lucille, and left the room.

Evelyn and Carl stared at each other. What the fuck?

Carl broke the silence, “Guess I’ll go then.”

“Yeah,” Evelyn said, trying not to sound disappointed. “Here, it’s fine if you watch it.” Evelyn retrieved the camcorder and handed it to him. Both their hands were shaking.

Carl looked like he desperately wanted to say something but didn’t know how. “I um- You... Why are you with him? Why did he make you do that?”

“He doesn’t make me do anything,” Evelyn murmured.

“Oh come on, he makes these… These _marriage deals_ with you and the others! They should be with their _real_ husbands. This is insane.”

“I was never married, just to Negan now,” she pointed out. But she agreed with Carl for Amber and Sherry’s case.

“You don’t have to be. The other communities, we’re going to defeat Negan one day. You can be with us.”

“Negan protects me and my niece. He saved us,” she reasoned.

“Me and my family, we would never leave you unprotected, I promise.”

Carl closed the space between them and took Evelyn’s hand, prompting her to look into his piercing blue eye.

“You don’t deserve this,” Carl said passionately.

Evelyn took a deep breath before answering, “I love Negan. He isn’t keeping me here. And I wanted to do that,” Evelyn waved her free hand towards the leather couch. “You may not believe me, but I wanted you to watch.”

“Why?”

“I guess I like when people see me, watch me… And I like you,” Evelyn confessed, blushing.

“But you just said you love Negan.”

“Yeah, I know. Is it impossible to want more than one person?”

“You want me? Looking like this?” Carl tilted his head so his hair fell back, away from his face.

“I practically grew up in the hospital. Nothing really grosses me out.”

“Hospital?”

“Yeah, I’ve been sick a lot and both my parents worked at the hospital. Before all this, I had treatment and could have lived a long, normal life, like my mom. She had the same sickness, but the undead got her while she was trying to get more medicine for me,” Evelyn couldn’t help but tear up. She took a breath and continued, “Look, Negan’s my husband, and you’ve got a girlfriend. Negan gets a kick out of making people feel inferior. I’m sorry if you feel upset by what you saw. But he gave you an out, you could have left at any time. So just go.”

Carl looked down, ashamed of himself. “Enid’s not my girlfriend,” he muttered.

It pained Evelyn to say it but she knew it was the right thing to do, “I bet she would be your girlfriend, if you asked.”

Carl shrugged, clearly lacking confidence with his appearance. Negan’s comment on his eye socket rang in his ears, _“It may not be a hit with the ladies…”_

“It’s her loss if _that_ bothers her, but I don’t think she’d kiss you in the first place if it did.” Evelyn reached out and stroked Carl’s cheek on the injured side while linking her fingers through Carl’s. Evelyn felt like the space between them was alive with electricity and wondered if Carl felt the same way.

Suddenly, Carl leaned forward and kissed her. But it ended as quickly as it began, both jerking away from the other.

Carl stared in shock at Evelyn’s lips, remembering where they had just been.

Evelyn stared right back, also in shock. Negan’s one rule for her, _do not cheat_. And they just had a demonstration an hour ago of what happens when that rule is broken.

“I’m sorry,” Evelyn whispered before escaping the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure if I should post a link to the porno mentioned in this chapter… But on the site I found it on, it’s called “Erica Boyer, John Leslie, Rachel Ashley in vintage porn video”


	8. I think I’m ready to leap/I’m ready to live/I’m ready to go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Panic! At the Disco - [Ready to Go](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xDf-_8KvGM)
> 
> S7, E7 continued… 
> 
> Mentions S4, E16
> 
> This chapter includes past rape/non-con.

Carl woke with a start, confused about where he was.

Then he remembered.

Enid. Roller skates. A kiss. The supply truck. Machine gun. Negan. His wives. The iron._ Evelyn_.

Carl was alone in the spare bedroom he was assigned for the night. Despite the comfort of the mattress, he still had a nightmare.

He got out of bed and began roaming the halls, making mental notes to draw a map later. He heard soft sleep sounds from where the workers lived together. He passed Saviors, but they didn’t bother him.

Finally, he found himself at the wives’ lounge. A small light was on, so he peaked in.

Sure enough, the lounge was empty, except for Evelyn, who sat on the couch with a bottle of liquor, staring into space.

“Evelyn?” Carl whispered, not wanting to startle her.

Evelyn turned and her eyes widened in surprise. “Carl, what are you doing here?”

Carl ignored her question, nodding to the bottle, “Big drinker?”

Evelyn looked down at the half-empty bottle, but she had only taken a few sips. “No, I can’t drink much, it tastes terrible. Just needed something to quiet my thoughts a little…”

Carl stepped into the room and sat across from her. “I’m sorry about earlier, it was my fault, I kissed you first.”

“It’s ok. I liked it, did you like it?”

“I don’t know… This is all so confusing,” Carl responded, taking the bottle for a small sip.

“I understand, I’m sorry I asked that. It’s not appropriate.”

Carl shrugged, then they were quiet for a while, just passing the bottle between them periodically. It was so late, or so early, that neither thought to get up for a couple of glasses.

“I came here to kill Negan,” Carl started. “I watched him kill my friends, two of the best men I’ve ever met… I had the gun and the ammo, I was so close. But then I saw him, and I knew I wasn’t on a suicide mission anymore. Before, I thought I’d _have_ to kill him, and if I failed, I was dead. Seeing him, I knew he wasn’t going to hurt me. I decided to give him a chance.”

Carl picked a bad day to give Negan a chance.

“Thank you for giving him a chance. I know how hard it must be to have lost your friends. But your group _slaughtered_ an entire outpost in their sleep, no warning. I think he said there were about 30 people living there.”

Carl didn’t respond, just looked down at his feet. She had a good point.

“Negan tries to save people. If someone disobeys him, it always comes back to bite them in the ass. Their mistake almost always causes them, or the people around them, to die. Negan doesn’t want that, he _wants_ to protect people. I know he’s not perfect. The Sanctuary isn’t perfect. But I agree with his rules. Like, he doesn’t allow anyone to be raped. He’ll kill them on the spot if they try.” Evelyn’s eyes looked haunted. “I wish I’d been with him the whole time, since the outbreak.”

Carl looked at her carefully. “What happened, Evelyn?” he paused, then added quickly, “You don’t have to tell me, sorry.”

Evelyn took a few deep breaths, unable to look Carl in the eye, so she looked at the sunrise.

“After our family died except me and Penelope, we would meet groups who tried to help us. I would pretend to be younger so they would pity us enough to feed and protect us. But groups kept getting separated or annihilated by the undead or other people. I shouldn’t be alive, but Penelope and I kept getting lucky, just missing death by a second or an inch. Then bad people would find us. When they wanted to rape Penelope, I begged them to take me instead. I kept pretending to be younger so they would accept me instead of her. Penelope has no idea. I was very careful to make sure she never saw it. I did whatever I could to get away from her before they started… I can’t explain it, but when I saw Negan, I knew he was a different kind of man. I know you think he’s a monster, but he isn’t. There are much worse men out there.”

When she finished, the sun was rising outside and Carl moved to sit next to her, taking her hand. “I am so sorry that happened to you. I’ve met horrible people like that too.” Carl decided not to tell Evelyn about his dad biting a man’s throat out. He could imagine that Evelyn wished she’d had someone do that for her, but no one had saved her. Except Negan.

Evelyn looked away from the window, turning to Carl and staring at his hand on hers. “Thank you,” she said simply.

Then Carl was kissing her again. But this time it didn’t end quickly, and Evelyn kissed back. The kiss became passionate and heated. Evelyn knew what she wanted and decided to go for it. Negan obviously favored Carl, he let him get away with killing two Saviors! And Evelyn knew Negan wasn’t a monster, he wouldn’t physically punish her or Penelope for what was about to happen. Besides, her clock was ticking anyway, so to hell with it.

Evelyn jumped to her feet and dragged Carl behind her, walking quickly and quietly to her bedroom.

The door closed and locked. The pair fell on the bed and began pulling at each other’s clothes.

There was a stark contrast between Negan and Carl, yet Evelyn felt an equal burning for both of them. Negan had aged tattoos and dark hair all over tan skin. Carl had dustings of hair over his pale, smooth skin. Up close like this, his eye socket was jarring, but it somehow made her feelings for him stronger. One half so perfect and cute with his blue eye and lightly freckled nose and cheeks. And the other half completely destroyed and disturbing. 

She ran her fingers gently over the wound. It felt rough and unnatural. Evelyn guessed that Carl could barely feel her touching the nerveless scar-tissue, but he held his breath, clearly anxious about her reaction.

Evelyn smiled and leaned up to place reassuring kisses around the wound. Carl exhaled slowly, then gripped her face to force her lips back down to his. The intimacy was overwhelming him, even though he wanted it, wanted this, wanted her. It was scary.

When they were fully undressed, Carl began to hesitate in his movements, unsure of what to do. Evelyn rolled him on top of her, “It’s ok, just relax. Do what feels right. You’re not gonna hurt me.”

“You’ll tell me if I do? If you don’t like something?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah, I will,” she promised, but knew she wouldn’t need to.

Evelyn parted her legs for Carl to kneel between them in a comfortable position as they kissed and his hand wandered through her hair and down her body. He was timid and gentle but gained confidence as Evelyn’s breath hitched when he gripped the fullness of her breasts and as she moaned when he rubbed his cock on her thighs and mound.

Carl kissed down her throat and across her collarbone. When he moved lower he felt the unnatural press of the device just under her skin and pulled away to see the faint scar across the area.

“It’s ok,” Evelyn said when she realized why he’d stopped. She didn’t want to ruin the mood, but since he noticed she had to explain it. “Remember, I told you I’m sick, sort of. I have a heart condition, and this is a defibrillator. I know it’s weird, but it’s ok to touch it, it doesn’t hurt.”

Evelyn wrapped her legs around his waist and rolled him over, switching their positions. “Just relax, ok? And let me know when you’re gonna cum. That is very important.”

Evelyn cursed herself for not having condoms in her room. They were in Negan’s room of course. But Carl nodded in agreement.

Evelyn sat up to take hold of Carl’s dick between her thighs. God, it was perfect. She teased the tip against her entrance and rubbed it through her folds and clit. Carl’s eye rolled back in pleasure.

Evelyn giggled, she loved how responsive he was. She jerked his cock a few times before lining him up to her entrance.

“Fuck, fuck, _fuck_,” Carl whispered, as Evelyn sat down, taking him in slowly. Carl reached up and cupped her breasts, held her waist, hips, thighs. It felt like he was trying to memorize her body.

Evelyn started moving up and down, settling into a medium pace. “I’m not gonna last long,” Carl warned through gritted teeth.

“It’s ok, Carl, just let me know.”

Being with Carl felt so _right_. Like a couple of 16 year olds trying to bang before anyone caught them. Like how the first time is supposed to be. Like the outbreak never happened and she’s at home, with her only worries being ‘will he ask me to prom?’ and ‘will I pass the driver’s license test?’ And her parents had given her a painfully awkward ‘talk’ after they met Carl before a date at the movie theater…

Evelyn reached down to circle her clit. She struggled to multitask, bouncing on his dick and rubbing her clit, but she made it work. Carl looked gorgeous beneath her as his body tensed every lithe muscle. His eye was hooded but focused on her. His freckles stood out against his pink cheeks. And his lips, _Jesus_, Evelyn thought. So perfect with his plump lower lip, panting in ecstasy. 

“Shit, I’m gonna cum Evelyn,” Carl’s grip settled on her thighs and squeezed tight.

Evelyn quickly moved up, already cumming herself. Her walls pulsed as Carl’s dick sprang free it, already releasing his cum.

“_Fuck_,” Evelyn cursed, reaching for a cloth to wipe at her entrance. Carl’s stomach and dick were drenched in cum, so he couldn’t have cum inside her too much. Surely, she was able to wipe the small amount away, like it never happened.

Carl didn’t notice her momentary panic. Evelyn let herself relax, laying down next to him and resting her head on his chest. He was so much smaller than Negan. Carl felt delicate and vulnerable. Two things Negan would never be and it made her feel more vulnerable too, but in a really, really good way.

“Wow,” he said simply.

Evelyn laughed, “Good?”

“More like amazing,” Carl stroked her hair and it felt so natural. Like they’d cuddled a million times.

“Did you cum?” Carl asked. So innocent, probably doesn’t even know how a girl cums.

“Yeah, just as you did.”

“Good,” Carl said, smiling and completely relaxed.

“We can’t stay long, everyone will be up soon and I have to sneak you out.”

Carl immediately tensed “What will happen if he finds out?”

“I don’t know… Negan’s had valid reasons to punish you before but chose not to, and maybe he won’t find out. Let’s just get you out of here so we can both shower.” 

* * *

A few hours later, Evelyn was in the wives’ lounge, thinking about going down for lunch with Penelope, when Dwight came by and told her to go to Negan’s room.

Not entirely suspicious, but Evelyn’s gut said that Negan must know. What was she going to do? What was _he_ going to do?

Evelyn knocked on Negan’s door and heard his gruff, “Come in.”

Negan was sitting on the couch reading a book. It looked like a Virginia wildlife field guide.

“Sit down,” Negan said, indicating to the seat across from him. Evelyn obeyed as Negan marked his page and put the book down.

“So I heard Carl spent hours with one of my wives. I know he was with you and I’m willing to bet you two became very acquainted with each other, am I right?”

_Fuck_. Evelyn remained silent.

“You really think I let my enemy’s son, who has threatened _and_ attempted to_ kill me_ on multiple occasions, walk freely around _my_ Sanctuary? How dumb do you think I am?”

Evelyn bowed her head, “I don’t think you’re dumb, Negan, I’m sorry, I-“

“No,” Negan growled, cutting her off, “Don’t apologize for something you’re not sorry for. And I _know_ you’re not. I saw how you two looked at each other. But here I was, thinking that my _favorite_ wife would never cheat on me. Boy, was I _wrong_, and you know I _hate_ being wrong.”

“I love you, Negan,” Evelyn said, looking up into Negan’s angry eyes. She knew that expression well by now.

“Fuck Evelyn, you know what I have to do now? You know what you are _making_ me do?”

“I know this is my fault. Punish me instead, don’t hurt Carl. He’s not Mark, he’s just a kid.”

“Yeah, a kid that you _fucked_,” Negan spat at her.

Well, Negan had a point there. He got up and walked toward the door.

“If he’s old enough to make his own decisions, he’s old enough for the consequences. And he knows the consequences better than anyone,” Negan stated in a way that made it seem like this was the end of the discussion.

But Evelyn wasn’t done yet, she followed him, no longer able to stay sitting. “I care about him, and I know you care about him too. We can talk about this and figure something out. Please, Negan, I-“

Negan cut her off with a murderous look. Evelyn couldn’t help but take a step away from him, now with her back towards the door. Partly out of instinct to distance herself from the angry man, and partly to block the door in a feeble attempt to keep him from leaving and hurting Carl.

“I’ve never heard you sound so childish. Where is this coming from? Did he say he loves you? Little boys say those pretty things to get into their girlfriends’ pants. Come on, you lost your virginity at 14, probably thought you’d be with the boy forever but broke up within a month! How could you fall for some 16 year old bullshit, I thought you were smarter than that.”

Evelyn was fuming. She knew that she had no right to be angry, but her trauma was suddenly at the forefront of her mind and she saw red.

“I was raped my very first time and every time after that, until I met you. Carl never said he loved me, and neither have you! But you _know_ I love you and we’re _supposedly_ married! What the hell is wrong with you, thinking that you can sleep with multiple partners but us women can’t? You claim to care about women and be a good husband, but the truth is you’re a sexist asshole on a power trip and someday you’re gonna piss off the wrong person and they’re gonna take you down and-“

Evelyn was pushed against the door with Negan’s gloved hand over her mouth. Her back didn’t hit the door with enough force to knock the wind out of her, but she was shocked. The couple glared at each other, breathing heavily, both so angry at the other.

Suddenly, Evelyn _really_ couldn’t breathe, and it wasn’t because of Negan’s hand. Evelyn could hear her thumping heartbeat rushing in her ears. But something was off and very, very wrong. Evelyn’s eyes widened in fear as she realized her heart had gone into an unstable rhythm.

Negan let go of her as soon as she made shallow gasps. He thought she was having a panic attack and reached out to hold her steady.

But then she clutched her chest and Negan realized. _This was happening_. Right in front of him. And there was_ nothing_ he could do to help her. All his control and power couldn’t stop the people he _loved_ from dying.

Evelyn jerked backwards like she’d been kicked in the chest by an invisible force. Her gasping stopped, and she was taking quick, but successful, breaths of air.

The cardiac device was still working. The battery hadn’t died yet. She was going to be ok.

Evelyn fell against Negan, feeling like she’d just ran five miles.

“Oh my god,” Negan began to cry, holding her as tight as he dared and burying his face in her hair. “I’m so sorry, this is all my fault. I shouldn’t have pushed you. Christ, I’m such a piece of shit. I’m so so sorry. I love you. I love you. I love you.”

Evelyn’s world turned black as she fainted. But not before she heard Negan’s words. The words she had ached for but never thought she’d hear…


	9. Throw the bait, catch the shark, bleed the water red/Fifty words for murder and I’m every one of them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Panic! At the Disco - [Victorious](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUChk0lxF44)
> 
> I’m crying with frustration that I’m writing this instead of doing schoolwork. 
> 
> Also, I don’t work in direct healthcare. So some of this stuff might not be accurate. But I’m gonna assume that it’s close enough.
> 
> S7, E7 continued...
> 
> This chapter includes past rape/non-con.

After a refreshing shower, Carl went downstairs for breakfast with the workers. He wasn’t sure how much they knew about him, as some looks were curious while others were glowering. He sat at the end of a table and ate alone, while watching and listening to everyone around him. The conversations were very similar to those he heard at home; minor complaints about the food or their jobs or a specific person, catching up on how someone's doing, who they’re seeing, what they’re going to do today. It felt eerily normal for a community that Carl was supposed to hate or pity or feel apathetic towards.

Carl felt more confused than ever. Things since the apocalypse had become black and white; _Everyone’s trying to survive. Children are innocent and need protection. Love whoever the fuck you want. Don’t lie._ And so on.

Negan was a grey area. But he acted like his rules and his life were the simplest thing in the world. Maybe he was right. Or maybe he was just a lunatic.

After his quiet meal, Carl wandered around for a while, taking in the Sanctuary from a daytime perspective. He eventually found himself back in his room. Carl looked at the bookshelf with interest. He’d taken up reading after he lost his eye. Denise said that reading before bed was ideal, so he could rest his eye after giving it a “workout.”

Carl had, of course, learned how to read, but he knew his competency was below what it would have been if the apocalypse hadn’t happened. Some books had words he didn’t understand and that frustrated him. He was too embarrassed to ask for help.

But this room had a dictionary. Carl grabbed it and sat down on the bed, flipping through it. This was perfect for when he went home. If he didn’t know a specific word while reading _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone_, he could just look it up! He wondered if he should ask Negan for the book, or just take it. Carl set the dictionary aside and looked around his room again. Maybe there were more Easter eggs that he hadn’t noticed last night…

Carl’s eye landed on the camcorder. Last night he'd given no thought to watching it. He’d actually forgot he was holding it until he was in this room. By that point, he wasn’t interested in a second showing of _Negan and Evelyn._

Now, he couldn’t deny his curiosity. Sex and relationships hadn’t been a priority before he lost his eye. And afterwards, Carl had convinced himself that all those things were meant for other people to experience, not him. Masturbating was a chore that he avoided as much as possible. He had just started to accept and enjoy the act right before the outbreak. Carl wondered if he subconsciously associated his pre-apocalypse life with good feelings like wet dreams and masturbating, and his post-apocalypse life with bad feelings like pain, hunger, and thirst.

But he’d done it, for real. He wasn’t a virgin anymore. Carl wondered what was on the camcorder, if it was more of what he saw yesterday, or more of what he experienced first-hand this morning.

The first part was similar to what he’d seen yesterday, but Evelyn wasn’t wearing her shirt. Just a lace bra and jeans. Carl tried to remember if it was the same bra she’d torn off this morning, but he couldn’t. Everything had all happened so fast.

Naturally, Carl was instantly hard. He couldn’t imagine a person, who liked girls, could watch this and not become aroused.

Negan had put down the camcorder and his naked form was in full view. He was taller, stronger, intact. Everything about him seemed powerful. Carl felt like the complete opposite.

Then Negan slapped Evelyn across the face. Carl was shocked. How could someone enjoy this? But Evelyn made no move to get away, not even a flinch. Carl realized that they must have done this before, maybe many times. How long have they been married anyway?

There was no denying Evelyn’s enjoyment when Negan’s thick cum covered her face and she licked it off like a treat. Her eyes flicked to the camera and Carl made a light gasp.

The screen went black for a moment. Carl wondered if he’d accidently pressed a button. But then the screen lit up again. Now Negan was sitting on the couch and Evelyn was facing him with her back to the camera. Carl surmised that she was kissing him as her hips rocked lightly against his crotch.

Evelyn jumped off him and shed her clothes quickly. Just like she had this morning. But it was Negan’s hands on her, Negan’s dick entering her. Carl felt a little jealous. He wanted that again. He wanted _her_ again.

Evelyn rode Negan like she’d rode Carl, just in a different direction. Carl was glad she’d faced him so he could look at her face and body. So beautiful.

Carl relieved the pressure in his pants by taking his dick out, stroking it quickly.

Then Evelyn did something Carl had never seen or heard of before. For a moment he thought she was peeing, but her body and face were tense in a good way. He realized this must be an orgasm, but instead of having white cum like guys, maybe girls had this clear cum. Evelyn hadn’t done that this morning. Had she lied about having an orgasm?

Carl stilled his movements from the sudden anxiety and inadequacy that he felt. He wildly thought that maybe Negan would teach him how to do that if he asked.

_Stupid_, Carl told himself. Asking Negan such a question would be humiliating.

Carl’s hand started to move again as he watched Negan push Evelyn down and re-enter her. She was clearly relaxed and blissed out.

Negan looked more powerful than ever. His legs, arms, and abs were flexed with effort. He held tight to her legs on his shoulders as he thrust in and out.

Carl came in his hand. It wasn’t very much since he’d already came that morning. Carl mildly thought about how strange it was to cum twice in one day, when he usually only came once a week…

He became instantly ashamed as he realized he’d cum while admiring _Negan_. Not Evelyn.

The world had become much more accepting of homosexuality since the apocalypse. All the old prejudices were meaningless now. So the fact that Negan was a man didn’t bother him.

It was the fact that this was _Negan_.

The video continued, Negan pulled out and came. He was zooming the camera onto her dripping wet public hair, then up to her face. 

_“How do you feel baby girl?”_

_“Amazing, Negan. I love you.”_

The most chilling part was that there was time for Negan to return the sentiment before the camera clicked off. But he didn’t.

* * *

“Oh thank God you’re awake,” Negan’s head came into view as he rested his forehead on the back of Evelyn’s hand. Which he was holding. While she laid on a hard surface. And he knelt next to her. The florescent lights hurt her eyes and made her head pound.

“How long was I out?” Evelyn asked groggily as the day’s events came rushing back to her. She realized they were in the doctor’s room and Negan had laid her on the bench instead of the exam table.

“Not long, maybe 15 minutes. It felt like hours, I was so worried. I’m so sorry, so sorry. I can’t believe I did this to you, I’m sorry,” Negan choked up, trying not to cry again.

“Shhhh,” Evelyn whispered, he was talking too fast and her head hurt more.

“I’m sorry,” Negan whispered one more time.

“It’s not your fault. My arrhythmias always happen in my sleep. This was just a fluke, it’s ok.”

“It’s not ok. Carson’s getting you an IV and you’re staying in bed the rest of the day.”

“No!” Evelyn exclaimed, making Negan jump. “Someone else will need the fluids more than me. I’m awake now, I can stay hydrated. Don’t do this Negan, I’m serious.”

Dr. Carson entered the room with the IV bag in hand.

“Thank you, doctor, but I don’t need it. Put it back,” Evelyn ordered.

Dr. Carson looked at Negan, who reluctantly nodded, so he turned around and left the room.

“I need you to be ok,” Negan confessed, helping her sip some water.

“Sorry but you picked the wrong wife if that’s what you truly need,” Evelyn said bitterly. “You knew this was serious when you agreed to marry me.”

“I didn’t know I’d fall in love with you,” Negan whispered.

As happy as Evelyn was to hear him _finally_ say it, she rolled her eyes at him.

“Do you realize how dumb it is for you to wait until I almost die to say that? Besides, you pushed me Negan. That’s serious. My dad would roll in his grave if he’d been buried in one. He taught me about domestic violence even though my mom thought I was too young. That’s what you did Negan.”

It helped that Negan looked ashamed. But it didn’t change what he’d done.

“Evelyn,” Negan took a deep breath before continuing. “I know how I reacted was wrong. I’m so sorry. I’ve _never_ done that before, I swear. And I’ll never do it again. How about we go to my room and rest, ok? I have a few things that have to get done today, but I want to be able to check on you.”

Evelyn took a few more sips of water to give herself time to think. They still had to talk about Carl. Her head hurt too much for this.

“What about Carl?” she asked.

Negan sighed and groaned unhappily. “I don’t know. I can’t hurt him knowing how much that would hurt you.”

“So you could hurt Amber and Sherry, but not me?”

Negan said nothing and his lips tightened. He was very unhappy with this predicament, this vulnerability, but Evelyn was right.

“Punishment is what makes this all work, Evelyn. If people don’t respect and obey me, they _will_ get themselves killed.”

Evelyn rested her head against the bench and closed her eyes. This was too much.

“Evelyn, I gotta ask you something about what you said. I don’t want to push you right now, but I gotta know. You said your first time with a guy, you were raped. But you’ve said that you lost your virginity at 14. Were you assaulted before the outbreak? Did your parents know?”

_Fuck_. Her lie had finally caught up with her. There was no sense in piling on the lies and she was too tired to think of a new story.

“Negan, I don’t know how to tell you this,” she began. “I lied to you when we first met. I told you I was 19… But I’m not. I was 14 during the outbreak and a man took advantage of me within the first couple of months. Everything happened so fast. I had to lie about my age to protect Penelope, distract the men from her. I told them I was 12 or 13 and one guy called my bluff. After I escaped him, I found supplies to shave, down there. Didn’t have a problem after that.”

Negan was frowning deeply as the words sunk in.

“We’d been alone for a very long time before we found the outpost. Maybe three or four months. I saw how many people were here and how well-organized it was. I don’t know why but I felt like I needed to be an adult here. I thought that Penelope and I would be safest if I was viewed differently than I’d led people to believe before. And I was right, Negan. I’d be able to keep my medicine until I turned 17, then I’d have to earn enough points for it. And then it would have been available for other people. I can’t run out of that medicine before I die. I know you’re upset, but I don’t regret any of it.”

After a long pause, Negan simply asked, “So you’re 16?”

“Yes, I’m sorry for lying to you. But it’s not a big deal, Carl’s 16 too and we did all that stuff in front of him. Besides, I don’t feel like I’m 16. I’m an adult, you know I am.”

“Carl… He…” Negan looked like he was about to have a panic attack. “Carl only _watched_ us. Like porn. 16 year olds _should_ be watching porn. Jesus, Evelyn, we have a 26 year age gap.”

“What’s the difference between 26 and 23 years? It’s still well over two decades, Negan."

“You’re 16, Jesus Christ. I can’t believe this.”

There was nothing left to say. The truth was out there and no one could take it back.

“I’ll have someone take you to your room. I need to think about this,” Negan decided.

“But Carl-“ Evelyn protested.

“I won’t touch him,” he interrupted harshly.

“Will you tell me what you decide before you do anything? Please?” Evelyn pleaded.

Negan stood and walked to the door. With his hand on the doorknob, he nodded but said nothing else as he pulled it open and left.


	10. Praying for love and paying in naivety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Panic! At the Disco - [But it’s Better if You Do](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBtH2YlNiNc)
> 
> Trigger warning because I even found this triggering to write. It includes harmful stereotypes and inaccurate generalizations. So I do apologize for it, but this is how I imagine Negan would think and act. I don’t personally agree with what I’ve wrote, it’s just a story. If you’ve only glanced over the warnings, relationships, and tags, please take another look. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has commented, given this story kudos, or bookmarked it :)
> 
> SPOILERS: Season 10 of TWD. Some adaptation from the _Here's Negan_ comic.
> 
> S7, E7 continued…

Negan told the nearest Savior to have Dr. Carson tend to Evelyn, threatening personal harm if he came back and found her not taken care of. He left the Sanctuary and walked through the foliage until he found walkers to take out his frustration on. He needed to clear his head so he could think.

Before all this, Negan knew he’d be arrested for what he’d done. Ignorance was no excuse. But how could he have known? Evelyn didn’t act like the girls at the reform schools who had been sexually abused and assaulted. They either made unwelcome and inappropriate advances on him (ok, maybe she had done that one??), or they hid away under layers of clothes and poor hygiene.

But the circumstances were different now. He had married Evelyn before even knowing her. Maybe if he’d waited, he would have seen things that gave her away. Maybe she’d shown them all along, but he didn’t notice, or didn’t want to notice. Did other people know or suspect?

Whatever he decided to do about the situation, he had to handle it very carefully. 15 dead walkers later, and that’s all Negan was able to decide on.

He returned to the Sanctuary and headed straight for a shower. Under boiling hot water he made another decision: Not to beat himself up over the age situation. Things may have been different if he was less reckless with their marriage, but he couldn’t change the past. He’d deemed 17 the age of adulthood at the Sanctuary, and Evelyn only had a few months before then. It wasn’t like she was 13 or 14, which made Negan’s stomach churn.

Carl was nearly an adult too. While he certainly had some recklessness in him, he was smart and mature. He’d taken Negan’s cruel comments with stride, albeit a few tears. But who could blame him? In actuality, Carl was handling his deformation much better than Mark, who was now useless as a soldier because of his mental state; had to put him on cooking duty. And Negan hadn’t even bullied, seen, or spoke to Mark since then. Negan felt certain that Mark would become suicidal if he told him the things he’d said to Carl.

All in all, Negan decided that he had two _young adults_ on his hands. There was no sense in agonizing over a handful of months. Three solid decisions down, how many more to go?

After drying off and dressing, Negan made his way to Evelyn’s room.

She was safe and sound in her bed, writing in her journal. He was pleased to see a large cup of water on her bedside table.

Neither said anything, just looked at each other, so he pulled the desk chair up to her bed.

“What are you writing?” Negan finally said.

“Just recording the arrythmia. Trying to guess the month,” she responded slowly.

“It’s July, I’ve been loosely keeping track.”

“Thanks,” Evelyn mumbled, writing it down.

They returned to uncomfortable silence for a while. Evelyn sipped the water and Negan tapped his knee.

“I’ve cheated too,” Negan confessed, deciding to tackle that issue first. "It was before all this, with my first wife, my real wife.”

The comment stung, but he had a point, they weren’t _really_ married no matter how much you twisted it.

“She and I married later than most couples. I knew her in college, we hooked up occasionally, but nothing serious. We both stayed in our college towns, down near the beach. So we ran into each other every now and then. But I was too busy with the bachelor lifestyle, never entertained a serious relationship. Then our 10 year reunion came around, we were both in our early 30s by then. We got to talking, had a few drinks, and the rest is history, as they say. When we were 36 or 37 she was offered an amazing job in DC, it was everything she wanted to do. I had to decide if I was gonna go with her or break up and stay put. I proposed and we were married within a month. We moved and got settled in our new home, new jobs. We started talking about having kids. We tried but she wasn’t getting pregnant, so doctors ran some tests to see what was going on. Turns out she had pancreatic cancer. She started treatment and I... I was a piece of shit and couldn’t handle it. I cheated on her, all one-night stands. Couldn’t even remember their names, didn’t exchange phone numbers. She didn’t know. And then the apocalypse happened, she was so sick, didn’t stand a chance.”

A stunned silence followed.

“I wasn’t jealous when I found out about Mark and Amber. At first, I was angry because I’d been hesitant to marry Amber for that exact reason. If my wives cheat on me, it makes me look incompetent and lacking control. But then I was actually happy about it because I could use this punishment as a way to prevent some, hopefully most, people from breaking the rules. It feels different with you. I am jealous and upset. However, I’m not mad at either of you. I was, believe me, I was ready to chop Carl’s arm off. But now, I feel like I can’t blame you for it. Carl is much more appropriate for you, and I fueled the sexual tension without realizing this could happen.”

Negan paused to take a deep breath.

“I’ve decided to take Carl home, first thing tomorrow. The Savior tailing him doesn’t know he went to your room. He thought Carl had spent the whole time just in the lounge, and I didn’t tell him my suspicions when he gave me the report. You can-“ Negan broke off to take another deep breath. “You can go with him.”

“Why would I do that?” Evelyn asked sharply.

Negan gave her a blank stare. “Isn’t it obvious? I hurt you, I’ve been a shit partner to you. Carl will treat you better.”

Evelyn rolled her eyes, “Whatever, I’ll think about it, alright? I really should just go to sleep and rest. I’ve heard enough.”

Negan nodded, confused by her irritability. He had expected her to jump at the chance to live with Carl instead of himself.

He stood and moved the chair back. It felt odd leaving Evelyn without a kiss goodbye, so he leant down and kissed her forehead. She continued to look irritated but said nothing.

* * *

Negan checked in with his Lieutenants and Carl’s tail, who reported his movement since this morning.

He went to Carl’s room and knocked with Lucille before entering. Carl sat at the desk with a dictionary and what appeared to be _Ender’s Game_ in front of him. Excellent choice.

“Hey kid, I’m taking you back to Alexandria in the morning.”

Carl looked relieved and disappointed at the same time. Probably relieved to go home and believing that his affair was still a secret, but disappointed to leave Evelyn. Maybe he wouldn’t be leaving her though…

Negan walked to him and took his chin in his hand, tilting his head up. “You really shouldn’t cover that up when you go home. It’s a damn shame.”

Carl pulled his face free, glaring at Negan.

Negan glanced around and noticed the camcorder on Carl’s bed. When Carl realized what Negan saw, he blushed furiously.

Negan couldn’t help grinning from ear to ear. “So you watched it, huh? What did you think?”

Carl was silent as he looked down at the book in front of him, not seeing a word of it.

“Oh come on, Evelyn will go nuts, in a _damn good_ way, when she finds out you’ve seen it!”

Another decision was made: Negan wanted to do everything he could to make Evelyn happy. Even if it was unconventional and taboo by the former society’s standards. His care, his love for her, was real.

“She will?” Carl asked quietly.

“Hell yes! She gets off on stuff like that. We’ve given your friend Daryl a peak too,” Negan said, wiggling his eyebrows. “I’d hoped it would help break him, but no luck so far.”

Carl laughed, the first time Negan had heard that sound. “Daryl hasn’t been with anyone since we became a group at the beginning. You used the wrong tactic, Negan.”

Negan scratched his chin thoughtfully. He was a little bummed to hear that his plan was ineffective, but he pushed the thought aside for another time. He’d just have to come up with a new plan.

“Ah well,” Negan said, unperturbed. “Come on, Carl. Tell me something. I promise I’ll leave you alone until tomorrow morning.”

Carl continued to blush, his face permanently red now.

“Fine!” Carl said between gnashed teeth. He took a breath before continuing. “At the end, when she came, it was really… Hot… I guess. Do girls always cum like that?”

Carl felt like he could die on the spot with humiliation. He wanted to know so bad and he didn’t know if he’d see Evelyn again to ask her.

Negan smiled deviously and sat on the end of bed, picking up the camcorder. Carl turned his chair around to see him.

“We call that squirting,” Negan said, rewinding the video to that part. “Most girls can do it if you know how to make it happen. But they can orgasm without squirting, too.”

Carl sighed in relief. His anxiety lifted a bit from the realization that she hadn’t lied about cumming when they were together.

He tried to cover up his sigh with a thoughtful, “Oh.”

Negan played the video for both of them to see. Carl internally freaking out as he became hard,_ again_.

“Once you’ve learned each others bodies, practiced making her squirt with your fingers, this is the best position to help her squirt from sex.”

Carl could only nod his head as if he understood exactly what Negan was saying.

“Anything else?” Negan asked, eying Carl’s tented jeans.

Carl’s eye was glued to the video and didn’t notice.

“She really likes to give… Blow jobs? Right?”

“Yeah, she really does. Some girls only do it out of obligation, but Evelyn really enjoys it,” Negan said, his length filling now as well.

Alarm bells rang in Negan’s ears. He was on the edge of a line. Any more of this and he might cross it.

“Alright, I told you what I thought. Can you go now?” Carl asked, his features anxious now to escape this situation.

Negan looked down at the video, feeling oddly disappointed, but mostly like he was waking up and realizing the severity of crossing that line.

“Right. I’ll be taking this back then. See you in the morning,” Negan said quickly, making his way out.

“Hey, can I take this dictionary home? We don’t have one.”

“Sure Carl, take any books you want,” Negan replied before shutting the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The college mentioned is Old Dominion University in Norfolk, Virginia. This isn't canon, just more of my personal obsession with finding exact details for the little things lol.


	11. May your feet serve you well/And the rest be sent to Hell/Where they always have belonged

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Panic! At the Disco - [Let’s Kill Tonight](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uu2XSQgdQDY)
> 
> I didn't want to illustrate Evelyn's thought process. But I did. I just couldn't get to the next (more interesting) scene without it. Feel free to skip to the page break if you don't want to read it. I understand.
> 
> S7, E7 continued…

Evelyn woke the next morning feeling much better, physically, but with an emotional weight on her shoulders. Before fully waking up, she was already processing her options. Stay or leave.

Staying was the best thing for Penelope's mental health and general development, assuming that the Sanctuary remains safe from the outside groups. Penelope's physical safety in the Sanctuary was not guaranteed from Carl's group, who could attack without warning and without regard for innocent people, like they had with the satellite outpost. Evelyn knew Negan would always give people a warning before any attack. It wasn't his fault if they chose to ignore the warning. So, Alexandria may be the safest option. If Alexandria won, Penelope would be treated as one of their own, according to Carl. If Negan won, he would make sure innocent people weren't punished for Alexandria's leadership decisions. Either way, Evelyn and Penelope would be reunited when it was all over.

Staying at the Sanctuary was a risk, while going to Alexandria was a safe bet. Penelope may go back to square one with her speech and emotions, which Evelyn would hate to see.

That part was pretty straight forward, the hard part was Evelyn's feelings. Stay or leave. Negan or Carl. The Sanctuary or Alexandria. Home or strangers.

Evelyn wondered how long she'd been at the Sanctuary, married to Negan. She sat up and pulled out her notebook where she made daily ticks to track 28 days between her periods. She also noted any other important events (like arriving at the Sanctuary). According to her chart, she'd been with Negan for almost five months. Evelyn made a small mental note that her period was due within the next day or so.

So, five months with Negan. Up and down. Hot and cold. It felt like a... What was it called? The things at a theme park... A rollercoaster! Yes, that's what her relationship with Negan felt like.

On the other hand, who knows what life with Carl would be like? She just met him. His current passion and interest for her could fade, while Negan's feelings weren't going anywhere. Despite his inability to express himself, Evelyn knew he genuinely cared for after only a short time together, and his feelings had grown from there.

In Carl's defense, Negan seemed to hold him in high regard. There must be a reason for that. Although, Evelyn wasn't completely confident with Negan's judge of character, mostly because of Simon and Arat. Evelyn was certain they were psychopaths. Yet, they were very close with Negan. He liked them and trusted them.

Evelyn also knew that this opportunity may not come again. If Carl left without her, that could be it for them, nothing more than what had already happened. And if she left with Carl, she'd only see Negan again if the Saviors won. 

There were too many possible scenarios for this and there was no way to know what the future would bring.

Frustrated, Evelyn got up to shower and grab some breakfast. She visited Penelope for a hug. Penelope showed her the princess coloring book page she'd been beautifully destroying with 30 different markers. Evelyn had hoped seeing Penelope would help her decide. It didn't.

Evelyn went to Negan's room, but he was already out. The only place left to go was Carl's room.

* * *

Carl's door was open and he sat on his bed with a small bag and water bottle, gazing out the window. He turned to Evelyn when she appeared in the doorway.

"Hey," she greeted.

"Hi, wasn't sure I'd see you before I left," Carl said scooting to the edge for Evelyn to sit next to him.

“Have you talked to Negan since yesterday morning?” Evelyn asked nervously.

“Yeah, he came by yesterday afternoon. Just said I was going home today,” Carl said, blushing, which was odd. But that meant Negan hadn't told Carl that he _knew_.

“Look, Negan’s not gonna punish you, but he knows what happened between us. I figured I’d give you a heads-up. He likes playing mind games, so he’ll probably try to get you to accidently admit what happened.”

Carl’s smile fell and his face became a darker shade of red, “Oh, ok. Thanks for telling me, but why aren’t we in trouble?”

“It’s complicated, but you’ll be fine as long as you don’t antagonize him.”

“Wasn’t planning on it,” Carl replied with a small smile.

"Negan said I could go with you," Evelyn confided.

Carl's face lit up with joy as he hugged her. "That would be so great," Carl mumbled into her hair.

"I haven't decided yet," she whispered.

Carl nearly jumped back to look at her. "Are you serious? What is there to decide? If you can come with me, back to Alexandria, without consequence, you should! Things will be better there."

"It’s complicated,” she said again, unhelpfully.

“Because you have to chose between me and Negan, right?”

"That’s part of it. You know how I feel about Negan, and I just met you-"

Evelyn was cut off with a kiss. Carl slowly pulled back and Evelyn could only blink at him. Before her thoughts could catch up, she realized there was a large figure at the open door. Evelyn didn't have to turn to know it was Negan. Nor did she have to look at his face to know he'd seen the kiss. She could feel it.

Carl turned to him. "Time to go then?" Carl asked, like he had the balls to be angry at _Negan_ for interrupting _them_.

"Don't stop on my account,” he said, voice dripping in sarcasm. “So how many people am I chauffeuring to Alexandria?"

Evelyn finally turned to him, grateful that he didn't have Lucille. She wasn't afraid Negan would hurt them, but he seemed like more of a _person_ without his weapon of choice.

She looked at both of them a couple times, as they waited impatiently. Both their frowns deepening.

"You're taking two back," Evelyn said. A relieved smile jumping from Carl's lips to eyes.

Evelyn turned to Negan. "Carl and Penelope," she continued

"What?!" Carl said, jumping up. Negan looked equally surprised.

"You have a younger sister, right?" she asked Carl. He nodded stiffly.

"I want you to take Penelope, keep her with your sister. That's the only way I'll know she's safe."

"But... She'll miss you, she'll stop talking. Evelyn, do you realize that she won't understand what’s happening? She'll feel like you're rejecting her," Negan said.

"Nothing matters if she's dead. When she's older, she'll understand why I made this decision."

"Why do you think she's safer in Alexandria than here?" Negan said, angrily.

Evelyn was a bit surprised he didn't lead with that question. His first point was selfless while the second was all ego, which was his default setting.

"You said Alexandria was beautiful, with houses and grass. Places for kids to run and play outside, with safe walls. I don't know if the conflict between your groups will keep the Sanctuary safe from surprise attacks. But I know Negan will give you a warning, every time."

"That's not true!" Carl said defensively.

"Has Negan ever snuck into a group's safe zone and slaughtered everyone as they slept in their beds? No, but you have. I can't guarantee Penelope will be safe here as long as your group is our enemy."

"Evelyn, I have them under control, they won't hurt us,” Negan said confidently.

"Then how did Carl kill two of your Saviors, inside the Sanctuary gates?"

Negan was furious that she was insulting his Sanctuary. "Then why the hell are _you_ staying?"

Evelyn turned away from Negan's glare. "Carl, I like you a lot. What we did and what we have between us is important to me. But it's just begun. What I have with Negan, I've worked really hard on it, and he has too, in his own way. I guess... I'm not ready to give up on him.”

"Then I'll stay,” Carl said quickly.

Evelyn’s jaw dropped. He couldn’t be serious?

"Absolutely not," Negan said in that 'I'm putting my foot down' voice. "No one will believe you're staying here willingly. We will instantly be at war, which I do _not_ want.”

"You would miss your dad, sister, and freinds, Carl. You're so fortunate to have your family alive, don't take that for granted."

"But you're separating yourself from your family!" Carl said in frustration.

"Negan's my family too," she pointed out.

Carl shook his head, realizing he couldn't win this argument. "I'm sad you feel that way, but I see I can't change your mind. We'll go, and maybe I'll see you again, when this is all over."

"We _will_ see each other again, don't worry," Evelyn stood and glanced at Negan before looking back at Carl. He was looking down so she placed her hand on his chin, tilting his head up to look at her.

Everything felt intense and deep. His blue eye was sad, _innocent_. But his scarred socket was defiant, _corrupt_. She leaned in to kiss him on the lips, just for a moment.

Carl leaned into her and his hands found her hips, digging in and holding tight. He probably didn't realize he was hurting her, but she didn't even flinch.

Evelyn pulled back, really not wanting to test Negan's tolerance.

Carl whimpered adorably at the loss.

"I'll bring Penelope out to the gate. It might take a while, so be patient, ok?"

She didn't wait for an answer and walked out.

* * *

Negan and Carl approached the truck. Neither had said a word to each other since Evelyn left. Negan told his Saviors to take a break and he'd walkie them when it was time to go. Negan didn't want Carl out of his sight. He'd be unsurprised if Carl tried to run, just to sabotage the whole plan.

"You first, in the middle. I'll sit on this end with Penelope, since she knows me,” Negan instructed, pulling the side door open for him.

Carl got in and Negan leaned against the open door.

"I hate you," Carl said defiantly.

Negan sighed, "Then why didn't you kill me when you had the chance?"

"I was stupid, I won't make that mistake again."

Negan pulled himself up to sit next to Carl, closing the door. All the windows were open but it was still very hot. Carl just glared straight ahead.

“I don’t doubt it. You’re a bad ass, if anyone has a chance of killing me, it’s you.”

Carl huffed, “You’re so weird.”

“I think that’s why you didn’t kill me when you had the chance. You wanted to know me, to make sure the people you kill deserve it, without a shadow of a doubt. That’s a weakness, Carl. Everyone deserves it because everyone has done something bad and wrong. Some more than others, I’ll give you that. But grown men, you can’t feel guilty about wasting them. We _all_ deserve it.”

“You’re wrong, there are good people, good men.”

“Maybe, but they won’t last. Naivety doesn’t belong in this world anymore. They’ll get killed, one way or another.”

“I was naïve for not killing you.”

“Yeah, you were. But you’ve learned something from all this haven’t you? Actually, a few things from what I heard,” Negan said as his hand ghosted over Carl’s knee. Carl stopped breathing.

“Come on, this trip wasn’t all bad. Negan’s place was kinda fun right?”

“You’re crazy,” Carl gasped.

Negan was intrigued by Carl’s reaction. He’d expected an elbow in his gut. He just wanted to teach Carl another lesson about breaking each other’s balls…

But Carl was flushing deeper than he already was from the heat. His body was tense and his hands were fisted firmly by his sides. So adorable.

“Carl, if you’re honest with yourself, you can have _anything_ you want. You _know_ what’s right and wrong, you don’t have to do this teen angst shit over something you already know. Make a decision and stick by it. That’s what a real man does. You’re a man, aren’t you? Not a kid. That’s what I learned these last few days. What did you learn, Carl?”

Carl lunged at Negan, grabbing his neck and pushing him against the seat.

“_Shut up_,” Carl snarled.

Then they were kissing. Neither knew who started it. Maybe they initiated it at the same time.

It was weird as fuck for Carl. Negan was a man. He smelled like a man and felt like a man, especially with his facial hair and large, rough hands.

It was completely normal for Negan. Carl was so small, shorter than Evelyn by an inch. Long, soft hair. Plump lips. Negan had no complaints.

The kiss was anger and frustration and _wrong_. It was jealousy and lust and _greed_. It was sin and life itself.

Carl’s hands tightened around Negan’s neck. His nails dug into his skin, leaving angry, red marks as he adjusted his grip.

This only egged Negan on. He reached around and gripped Carl’s thigh, easily pulling it across himself so Carl was in his lap, straddling the older man.

Carl instinctively ground his hips into Negan’s. Their clothed erections pushing hard against each other. The friction was too much but not enough at the same time.

Carl’s hands fell to Negan’s broad chest and shoulders. Negan’s hands slid up the back of Carl’s thighs to his ass before suddenly gripping Carl’s throat.

Carl whimpered against Negan’s lips.

“_Baby_,” Negan whispered. The sweet sentiment dripped with danger.

Carl couldn’t help it. It was all too much. One more thrust of his hips against Negan and he came. Negan ate up his gasps and whimpers with kisses while releasing his throat in favor of running his hands up and down Carl’s arms and holding Carl’s hands to his chest.

Carl stopped moving and caught his breathe. He looked in Negan’s eyes, searching for something.

His relaxed features went back to glaring. Carl got off his lap and settled back into the seat.

“Thought I told you to be a gentleman, Carl,” Negan teased, no heat behind his words.

“I’m not gonna get caught doing stuff with _you_,” Carl bit out. “Forgive me?” he asked, mockingly. 

“Screw you,” Negan sighed, adjusting himself and checking the mirrors for anyone around.

A couple minutes later, Evelyn was in the courtyard, carrying Penelope to the truck. Negan walkied his men back and opened the door.

“Look Penelope, you’re going with Negan. You like Negan, right?” Evelyn said while rubbing her back.

Saviors appeared around them and got in the trucks. One of them opened their driver’s side door and hopped in.

“Here,” Evelyn said, trying to maneuver Penelope to Negan. She was reluctant and had tear streaks down her little face.

Negan set the 6 year old on his knee, but she turned and buried herself in Negan’s torso.

“Be careful,” she said to all of them.

“Of course baby, it will be ok.” Negan assured them. Evelyn closed the truck door and the small fleet left the Sanctuary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More unnecessary details... Chandler Riggs (therefore Carl) is 5'7" and Evelyn is 5'8" (which I threw in at some point in a previous chapter).


	12. Rewrite your history/Light up your wildest dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Panic! At the Disco - [High Hopes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPXIgEAGe4U)
> 
> Recap this time period in the show + my changes: 
> 
> > Carl left a note in the Grimes household that he and Enid were going to Hilltop. Carl and Enid share their first kiss. Upon their arrival at Hilltop, the Saviors are conveniently there for a pick-up. The events in previous chapters transpire, which takes place over a three day (two night) time period instead of one jam-packed day. 
> 
> > Rick and Aaron go out scavenging for Negan and stumble upon the swamp/boat full of supplies. Michonne also goes out and hijacks a random Savior, eventually killing her. Therefore, everyone arrives at Alexandria on same day.
> 
> > While Negan is taking Carl and Penelope to Alexandria, Sherry gives Daryl the means to escape his cell. Daryl ransacks Dwight’s room, kills “fat” Joseph, steals a motorcycle, and escapes to Hilltop. Sherry also runs away.
> 
> Again, this is NOT a cross-over fic, but _Supernatural_ characters are in this chapter because… Why the hell not? I feel like the story flowed better than when I tried to write completely new/original characters. 
> 
> S7, E8-9

Upon their arrival to Alexandria, Negan carefully lifted a sleeping Penelope out of the truck and carried her to Carl's house. His Saviors knew what to do without him shouting orders and waking the 6 year old.

When they arrived, Negan passed Penelope to Carl and was surprised to find a large woman at the door. Negan wondered if she was Rick’s girlfriend. He thought it would be fun to sleep with her, just to piss off Rick. But she rejected him and he made her cry. Ah well.

Once they reached Carl’s room, Penelope was laid on his bed for the rest of her nap… Well, his _corner_ with blankets and pillows was a better description… Since Negan had taken and burned nearly all their mattresses… 

Negan was shocked to meet Judith. He knew Carl had a sister, but he’d imagined her to be close to Carl’s age, maybe 10 years old, at the youngest. This kid was about 2 years old.

“She was born after the outbreak?” Negan asked, as he held her. She was undeniably precious.

Carl nodded.

Negan shook his head disapprovingly. "Thought Olivia was your dad’s girlfriend, guess she’s just here to babysit this angel?”

“Yeah, Dad’s with Michonne,” Carl informed him. 

Negan tilted his head, not exactly sure who she was. 

“Michonne was there… that night," Carl described, grimacing at the memory. "She’s black, has dreads."

“No shit? Wouldn’t have guessed it.”

Carl didn’t know how to respond. He frowned, wondering if it was a race thing.

Negan read his mind, “Come on, Carl, not because of _that_. As much as Rick pisses me off, I’d have guessed the one thing we have in common is a sweet woman waiting at home for us. Don’t get me wrong, I love a strong, independent woman. But in this world, things are different. Gotta keep who you love protected, inside the walls, you know?”

Carl shrugged, “Well, that used to be his type, I guess. But things are different with Michonne. She’s different.”

Negan nodded, “Well, let’s go outside for a bit. I wanna see what it’s like to live in suburbia!”

The three settled into the rocking chairs on the front porch. The scene was so picturesque. Negan honestly never thought he’d see something like this again.

_“Oh I like it here. I might just have to stay._ You know, I was thinking about what you said when you arrived at the Sanctuary, Carl. Maybe it’s stupid to keep your dad alive. Maybe I should have killed everyone that night, except you of course. Kept you for myself, taught you how to be a real leader. I knew you had something special the moment I saw you, Carl,” Negan pulled Judith from his chest to talk to her. “Maybe I should just bury your dad and all his friends over in those flower beds. _And I could just settle into the suburbs, what do you think about that?”_

Negan gave Judith a kiss on the cheek. She flinched away because of the scratch of his beard.

“I gotta shave this shit. Your dad got any supplies?”

* * *

Carl was furious with Negan by the time he left Alexandria. Spencer and Olivia were dead (but Carl suspected Negan was not pleased with Arat’s choice to kill Olivia. He put on a show like it was fine, but Carl knew Negan better than that). And Eugene was taken.

Carl wished Rosita hadn’t missed.

Penelope had woken up crying from the sound of the gun shot. She was so quiet and everyone was in such a panic that Carl forgot to check on her until an hour later.

Carl opened his bedroom door to Penelope bundled up in his blanket, the corner she clutched to her face was soaked with tears, snot, and drool.

“Oh my god,” Carl whispered, immediately realizing what he’d done. “I’m so sorry, Penelope. Remember me? I’m Carl, it’s ok, don’t cry. We’ll take care of you.”

Carl held Penelope and rocked her back to an exhausted, fitful sleep. He wondered if he should keep her awake just to get her hydrated, but he really didn’t know what to do. Everything was so easy with Judith. He instinctually knew what she wanted and what she needed. He felt disconnected from this child and it made his heart ache that he couldn’t help her the way she needed.

Rick appeared at his doorway, staring in shock. “Who’s that? Carl, what’s going on?”

Carl sighed, he hadn’t thought this far ahead.

“Dad, this is Penelope. Her aunt is one of Negan’s wives and she wanted me to take her back here.”

“Wait, Negan’s _wives_? And why would Negan allow that?”

“I have a lot to fill you in on. But Negan doesn’t want anyone at the Sanctuary who doesn’t want to be there. Her aunt thought she’d have more… opportunities here,” Carl was hesitant to express Evelyn’s thought that keeping Penelope _near_ Rick was the best way to keep her safe _from_ Rick.

“Carl, you need to tell me everything.”

* * *

The next day, Carl fashioned a new bandage for his eye. He thought about what Negan said, how he encouraged him to ditch the bandage. Carl also thought about Evelyn and how she was completely unfazed by his injury. Being with Evelyn had been freeing, like he could be himself.

Alexandria didn’t feel that way. He knew Rick and Michonne loved him, unconditionally. But could they accept him? Rick had never once provided comfort or support regarding his new appearance. When Carl put himself down, Rick didn’t stop him or correct him. They always made sure the supplies for his bandage were well-stocked in his bathroom. Carl didn’t even take it off to sleep, only in the shower.

After breakfast, Carl arranged for Aaron and Eric to watch Judith and Penelope while he traveled to the Hilltop with Rick, Michonne, Tara, and Rosita. He felt bad asking them, since Aaron had some bruised ribs he was recovering from, but the couple insisted that having the kids around would lift their mood. Eric was already doting on all three of them before Carl could even leave.

Arriving at Hilltop, Carl was happy to see Enid, and she was obviously happy to see he was alive. They hugged and chatted, but nothing more transpired. Enid had more of a smile and blush around him, but otherwise nothing had changed. Carl felt the connection they had, but too much had happened since their kiss. He didn’t want to hurt her, so he’d already decided that nothing more could happen right now.

Carl was ecstatic to see Daryl, but worried about how he escaped.

“Sherry let me out,” Daryl told him in confidence.

“Seriously? Are you sure? Do you think Negan will find out?”

“Yeah, I’m sure it was her,” Daryl said gruffly. “Don’t know what happened though. Never saw her.”

“Did anyone see you on your way out?” Carl asked, anxiously.

“As far as I could tell, only one Savior, and I killed him.”

Carl was happy Daryl was free but concerned about the consequences that Evelyn may have to witness. It frustrated him that he couldn’t communicate with Evelyn. He wished they had a phone or a walkie. Hell, he’d settle for a pager, anything to know that she was ok.

* * *

The next morning, Jesus led them to the Kingdom. Carl was amazed to see another beautiful and plentiful community. But there was a particularly relaxed air to the Kingdom, more peaceful than anywhere he’d been since the outbreak. Jesus told them on the way that the citizens didn’t know about Negan or the Saviors. Ignorance was certainly bliss.

While Rick met with the King (weird, but ok), Carl wandered about, taking in calm energy around him.

As he explored, Carl came upon a small group of teenagers around his age, some a few years older. Word seemed to have gotten around that another community was visiting. They looked skeptical but still greeted him as he approached and invited Carl to sit with them.

Carl introduced himself and the oldest guy, maybe 21 or 22, shook his hand. “I’m Dean,” he said. Carl couldn’t help but notice how gorgeous he was. “This is Meg, Ruby, Kevin, Gordon, and Sam.”

They each waved to Carl and smiled. Carl doubted he’d remember their names, except _Dean_ of course. He had dirty blond hair, tanned skin, and achingly perfect lips. He had hazel eyes with long eyelashes. Freckles accentuated his perfect nose and cheekbones. Dean’s face was smoothly shaven, accentuating his jawline.

Before the Sanctuary, Carl would have been jealous and bitter of how flawless his appearance was. Now, Carl could only marvel as to why this creature was smiling down at him (he had to be nearly as tall as Negan, if not the same height) and standing closer than socially acceptable…

“Do you know how long you’re staying?” the girl with short, blonde hair asked.

“Not long, just for my dad to talk to… the King, I guess.”

Dean chuckled, “Yeah, I know the whole ‘king’ business is weird at first. But he’s great, not at all what you’d imagine.”

“Are there more people our age at the other communities?" the Asian guy asked.

“Yeah, quite a few.”

“I hope more can visit. It’s so dull around here with just us and Benjamin.,” the girl with wavy, dark brown hair sighed.

“Hey now, we aren’t _that_ boring,” the tallest guy of the group teased _(taller than Negan and Dean, wow)._

The group talked amongst themselves about this. Dean noticed Carl’s discomfort. “It looks like you wanted to see the place, how about I show you around?”

Carl thought that was a fantastic idea. He realized his mouth was dry so he just nodded.

Carl and Dean waved goodbye to the rest as they walked away, exchanging polite ‘nice to meet yous.’

Dean showed him the different buildings and workstations around the Kingdom. They eventually stopped in front of a quaint house.

“I live here with Sam and Ruby, they’re a bit of an item. She moved in with us a couple months ago,” Dean said.

Somehow, Carl found the courage to ask, “What about you? Do you have a girlfriend?”

Dean’s knowing smile was somehow brighter than the sun. “No way, I’m not the settling down type. You want to come in?”

Carl smiled back shyly and nodded.

Once inside, Dean poured Carl a glass of water while Carl glanced around. The house was very small, only two bedrooms and one bathroom.

“It’s not much, but it beats living outside the walls.”

“Couldn’t agree more,” Carl said, taking a sip of water.

“Who do you live with back home?” Dean asked.

“My dad, his girlfriend, my little sister, and now a friend’s niece,” Carl stumbled over the word ‘friend’ but felt like it was the simplest way to describe the situation.

If Dean noticed, he didn’t acknowledge it. “So no _girlfriend_ for you either?”

“Not really,” Carl answered him slowly, setting his cup down. Was Dean fishing for the same information Carl had been fishing for?

“I know you’re not staying long, but how about we hang out in my room? I have some cards if you want to play-“

Carl stopped worrying, stopped overthinking, and just kissed him. To his relief, Dean immediately kissed back, his hands finding his face and neck, pulling him closer. Dean’s lips were, indeed, perfect and felt amazing.

Carl broke away for air and Dean took his hand and led him to his room, closing and locking the door behind them.

“I really can’t be away too long and I haven’t done… much… you know,” Carl mumbled nervously.

“Hey, it’s fine, don’t be embarrassed. We’ll do whatever you want, ok?” Dean said, taking Carl’s face in his hands and looking down at him kindly.

Dean nodded towards the bed so Carl sat down, scooching up against the headboard. Then Dean’s shirt and pants were off and Carl forgot how to breathe. Dean climbed over to him in just his boxer briefs, which revealed that he was just as turned on as Carl.

Dean kissed him again as their hands explored each other. “Lay down,” Dean whispered.

Carl happily obeyed. Dean hovered above him as he trailed his kisses to Carl’s ears, back to his lips, to his collarbone and up his neck. Carl let his hands wander over Dean’s soft skin and thick muscles.

When Carl reached his rippled abs, Dean pulled away with a small chuckle. “Like what you’re feeling?” he asked with a cocky grin.

“Obviously,” Carl grumbled with no heat behind it.

“Mmm, I like this too,” Dean said, moving down to lift Carl’s shirt and kiss his flat stomach and hip bones while undoing his pants.

For a moment, Carl marveled at the fact that a few days ago he considered himself completely undesirable. Now _four_ people had expressed interest in him. Crazy.

But then Dean was pulling his pants and boxers down and the thought flew from his mind. Dean took Carl’s cock in his fist and pumped it slowly, watching Carl’s face.

Dean smiled again, and tugged at the jeans still around his thighs, “Mind if I take these off all the way? We don’t have to have sex but I’d love to play with you _down_ _there_. What do you think?”

Carl was nervous but very much wanted to do what Dean suggested, “Yeah, just not too much. I’ve never done anything… there…”

Dean’s understanding nod was reassuring. Carl lifted his hips for Dean to pull his pants and boxers the rest of the way. He pulled off his boots and socks too. Then Dean slowly and sensually kissed his way up Carl’s thigh before settling between his legs licked from Carl’s balls to tip. 

Carl hissed in pleasure and buried his hands in Dean’s short hair. Carl cursed himself as he realized he had never practiced building up a stamina and worried he’d cum very, very soon.

Somehow, Dean seemed to sense this so he kept his ministrations to licks and kisses before nudging Carl’s legs further apart and tapping a spit-wet finger against his entrance.

“_Fuuuck_,” Carl moaned out.

Dean’s finger circled his virgin hole and pushed more insistently. When his finger finally slid into the snug heat, Dean moved his hips against the mattress for friction, almost panting as much as Carl.

“God, you are so tight, Carl. It feels heavenly, I’m picturing my cock inside of you, too fucking big for your little hole. _Christ_.”

Then Dean was on his cock again, but not just his lips and tongue. Carl’s cock was in his mouth, hitting the back of his throat. Warm, wet heat everywhere.

Carl gasped and cried out as he came without warning. Dean didn’t seem to mind, his beautiful hazel eyes rolling back at the taste of his cum, moaning encouragingly around his cock.

As Carl caught his breath, Dean licked up every missed drop of cum and withdrew his finger.

“I’ll be right back, don’t go anywhere,” Dean said unnecessarily. Carl was clearly too blissed out to move yet.

Carl heard the bathroom sink running and then Dean was back, drying his hands on a towel. His boxers were still tented.

“That was amazing,” Dean said, climbing back on the bed.

“I think that’s my line,” Carl mumbled.

Dean laughed, reaching beneath the elastic band of his boxers and stroking his dick, “What can I say, I’m a giver.”

Carl swallowed nervously, eying Dean’s movements. “You don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to,” Dean reminded him.

Carl thought about the blow jobs he’d seen Evelyn give to Negan. It had seemed so rough, almost violent. But what Dean had just done was very different, calm, caring, and _so good._

“I want to try,” Carl whispered.

Dean looked delighted, “Ok.”

Dean pulled his boxer briefs down and off as his hard dick sprang free, the head was dark pink from arousal.

Carl knelt between Dean’s legs, just like he had. Carl tentatively stroked his dick, looking up at Dean for approval.

“That’s perfect, Carl. I’m not gonna last long, _fuck_-“

Dean cursed as Carl licked the head of his dick. After some test runs, Carl decided to lap at the base of the crown, where he felt most sensitive, so maybe Dean’s was too.

“I’m gonna cum,” Dean gasped. Carl continued licking and stroking him, but suddenly Dean’s hand was in his hair and he was pulling him back. Carl was confused but kept stroking him anyway.

Then he was cumming all over his stomach and Carl’s fist. Carl tore his eye from his dick to Dean’s face, watching his perfect features as he moaned and breathed heavy, biting his lip to keep some of the sounds inside. Carl wished he wouldn’t.

When he calmed down Carl asked, “Why didn’t you let me-“

Before he could finish the question, Dean interrupted him, “You’ve never tasted cum before, have you? It’s an acquired taste, you would have gagged and coughed, it’s really awkward when that happens. But here, you can taste it now.”

Dean slid a finger through the cum on his belly and held it to Carl’s lips. Without hesitating, Carl licked and suckled the substance, making Dean grown.

It was an odd taste and he supposed Dean was right about what would have happened. Carl trusted his judgement.

They looked carefully at each other, taking the moment in.

Reluctantly, Carl broke the spell. “I should go,” he said, checking his watch. Shit, yeah he had to leave, it had been nearly two hours since he left the group to ‘explore.’

“Ok, I’ll walk you back to the auditorium. I’m glad you visited, Carl.”

“Me too,” Carl confessed with a wide smile, still in disbelief that any of this was happening, but so happy that it was.


	13. Learn to live in this mess you made/Now it's mine to send up in flames

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: I Prevail - [Gasoline](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PvPErWXq6U)
> 
> Side note - Kinda sad to deviate from PatD, but this song fits. Check it out if you’ve never heard it!
> 
> S7, E11

Upon the Saviors arrival at the Sanctuary, Negan swung his arm around Laura to talk quietly. “Laura, do me a favor and take Eugene up to the guest bedroom. Get him whatever he wants,” he whispered, winking to her. She nodded and ripped the hood off Eugene’s head, guiding him into the Sanctuary.

“The rest of you,” Negan yelled to the Saviors nearby. Everyone moved closer and gave Negan their undivided attention.

Negan walked among them, looking each of them in the eye as he spoke. “Now, Eugene is a special and important guest from Alexandria. I’m gonna break him, make him see things _our_ way. I don’t think he’ll need much convincing, but be on your guard. I don’t trust his loyalty.” The Saviors around him didn’t speak and didn’t move.

“Very good, and one more thing,” Negan held one gloved finger up before suddenly swinging around, landing a punch across Arat’s jaw.

Due to her surprise, she didn’t catch herself and fell hard into the dirt. The Saviors around them were just as surprised but did not move.

“I asked Arat to kill someone. A simple request, or so I thought. And who did she pick? A fucking civilian _babysitter_ for Christ’s sake. And a woman on top of it. I’m only gonna say this once. Never kill a kid or a civilian. Next time I ask you to kill someone, aim for a goddamn soldier. Not sure who’s a civilian and who’s a soldier? Aim for a goddman man. This is your only warning. If it happens again, to any of you, you’re gonna get real friendly with Lucille and I’m gonna be fucking pissed cuz I’ll be one soldier short. You hear me?”

“Yes, sir,” they replied in unison, except for Arat who was still on the ground, holding her jaw.

Negan knelt down before her, “I didn’t fucking hear you.”

Arat glared daggers for a moment but before submitting. She looked down at Negan’s boots, “Yes, sir.”

Negan wound his arm back and landed a hard punch to her temple, knocking her unconscious.

“Someone remind her of this lesson if she fucking forgets when she wakes up.”

Negan wasn’t in a good mood as he checked in with the Saviors he’d left to watch over the Sanctuary. Only a few minutes later chaos erupted.

Daryl had escaped and fat Joseph was dead. Negan was livid, but still felt a twinge of guilt letting his men beat up Dwight. He knew it wasn’t his fault, but he had to set the bar for his other Saviors. Dwight was thrown into the cell and Negan had to focus on more pressing matters: The herd he was coordinating to redirect into a trap.

Several hours later, Negan stopped by the wives’ lounge, immediately sensing the extra tension.

“What the fuck is going on?” he demanded.

The women looked at each other, not answering.

“Somebody better tell me what the fuck the problem is or so help me-“

“Sherry’s gone. Some of her things are missing. We think she ran away,” Frankie spoke up.

“God damnit,” Negan swore under his breath, then grabbed his walkie. “I need this place turned upside down for Sherry. If she’s here, find her and bring her to my room ASAP. And Simon, you’re going to Alexandria, first thing in the morning for Daryl. Got that?”

“Yes, sir,” Simon’s voice came back over the walkie.

Negan glanced back through the lounge, eyes falling on Evelyn. Her anxiety evident. “Come on,” he grumbled to her.

She shot up and walked with him out of the lounge.

“Is she ok?” Evelyn asked, once in the hallway and out of hearing range from the lounge.

Negan stopped and turned to her, “Yeah, she’s fine. Fell asleep on the way there, didn’t wake up before I left.” Guilt pulled at his gut, he hadn’t actually checked on Penelope before he left Alexandria.

“She’s staying with Carl and his family, right?”

“Yeah, last I saw her was in Carl’s room.”

Evelyn sighed in relief.

Negan put his arm around her to rub her back, uncertain of how much contact she wanted with him. But she immediately leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his chest to hug him close.

“I thought of an excuse,” Evelyn mumbled against his neck.

“What?”

“For why Penelope left, if people ask."

Damn, Negan had been so caught up in the events that he forgot to consider the fact that they needed a good story. “What’s that?” he asked.

“Let’s tell them Alexandria has someone who used to be a child psychologist, specializing in trauma and speech disorders.”

Negan was quiet for a moment, then held her even tighter. “You’re so fucking smart.”

Evelyn shrugged under him, “Just wish it was actually true.”

“Yeah, I know,” he agreed, gently pulling her out of the hug. “I got a lot of shit to deal with, I better go.”

Evelyn nodded, then reached up to stroke his smoothly shaved cheeks. She gave him a small smile. 

Negan chuckled, “What do you think baby?”

“I like the beard more, but this isn’t so bad. You’re still very handsome,” she said, reluctant to stroke his over-inflated ego. 

Evelyn pulled away and turned the focus back to more pertinent things, “Sherry didn’t tell us anything, not even Amber.”

Negan sighed, “Yeah, I think she let Daryl out.”

“What?” Evelyn asked.

“Like I said, got a lot of shit to deal with,” he said, shaking his head.

Evelyn nodded and leaned up for a kiss. Negan hesitated for a moment, but then leaned down for a chaste kiss on the lips before separating.

* * *

The next day, Dwight left in search of Sherry.

Simon also left in search of Daryl. He came back empty handed.

And the day after, Dwight returned, also empty handed but with an interesting story. He found Sherry and she confessed to the doctor releasing Daryl in an attempt to win her affection. She panicked and ran. But Dwight wasn’t able to bring Sherry home because they were attacked by walkers and she perished. Negan checked the doctor’s office and found the evidence he needed.

* * *

Evelyn woke up feeling nauseous. She wasn’t too concerned, considering how much her body had been through in the last couple days. She really didn’t feel well so she dressed and went straight to Dr. Carson’s office.

The room was empty so she opened cabinets and drawers to find Pepto-Bismol or something similar. She finally found the small pink bottle. As Evelyn shook out 2 pills, she noticed the small pile of half a dozen pregnancy tests.

She almost dropped the pills, fear flooding through her. _No way_. There was no way.

Her period had been due yesterday. It was normal to be off by a couple days. _But Carl came inside her._ It seemed like pregnancy was impossible then, but now it seemed like a very real and scary possibility.

Evelyn couldn’t wait. She had to know. It didn’t matter that it was very possible she could start her period that day or tomorrow. It didn’t matter that she’d had sex only 4 days ago. Could a pregnancy test even work that soon??

She took the pills with some water, grabbed one of the boxes and hid it under her clothes. When Evelyn reached the closest communal bathroom, she locked herself in a stall and read the directions on the box. It couldn’t be that hard, but her nerves fluttering through her chest and her shaking hands made it difficult to understand.

After peeing and praying she’d done it right, Evelyn returned the cap to the stick and set it down on the toilet paper dispenser.

Then she waited.

In movies and tv shows, they always put the stick away, somewhere they couldn’t see until the time had passed to ensure the accuracy of the results. Evelyn couldn’t look away from it, as she watched the first line appear.

Then, very slowly, the second line crossed through it.

It wasn’t confusing. It wasn’t a division symbol. It was very clearly two lines.

Evelyn was about to panic from the fact that she was actually pregnant. But then she realized that the father might not be Carl. It might be Negan. She tried with all her might to remember the statistics she learned in school about “the pull out method.” Wasn’t it only 80% effective? And who the hell knows how effective _expired_ condoms are.

But she’d used those 2 methods with Negan for 5 months without incidence. Hell, he was using that method with 4 of his 6 wives and none of them were pregnant.

Maybe it was Carl.

Maybe it was Negan.

And that’s when Evelyn truly panicked.

* * *

Negan left Dr. Carson’s office, note in hand damning the doctor, when he nearly ran into Evelyn, who was ghost white.

Negan wasn’t sure he could handle one more thing. “What’s the matter with you?” he snapped.

She immediately frowned from his attitude. Later he would wonder if he’d been nicer if she wouldn’t have dropped this bomb as hard as she did.

“I’m pregnant, asshole,” she said, pushing the (now dry) pregnancy test into his hand.

He stared down at the two lines, not fully understanding.

“And I don’t know who the father is,” she said sharply when he didn’t reply.

Negan slowly looked from her to the test.

“It has to be Carl,” Negan finally said, forcing the test back into her hand.

Evelyn looked at him in disbelief. She very much wanted to slap him, _again_.

* * *

Negan’s world narrowed into his own panic.

When he was in the privacy of his room, Negan allowed that panic to crash over him. There was a bullet in Lucille. A fucking bullet. He was devastated. And now he was betraying Lucille by loving another woman. Another woman who was pregnant. Who was going to get sick and die on him soon. Who was way too young for him, the same age his students had been. Not to mention Daryl and Sherry’s disappearance. His wives were a pillar of his control over the Sanctuary, and he was losing control. He couldn’t allow them, of all people, to betray him. It looked bad. On the other hand, Negan didn’t want anyone around who didn’t want to be.

How did he let all of this happen? He had to take back his control.

* * *

Negan had his wives, Saviors, and workers line up for an ironing, but no one knew who was being punished.

When Negan threw Dr. Carson into the fire, Evelyn felt her world turn upside down. Out of all the things Negan had done, this may have been the pettiest, dumbest, and most selfish.

But it became even worse when Evelyn heard Negan tell Dwight, _“Sherry was one of my favorites.”_

Evelyn escaped as fast as she could, flinging the door open to get outside and vomiting onto the dirt.

* * *

It was nearly sunset when Evelyn was able to shower and eat some food to settle her stomach. The Sanctuary was quiet, tense, and suffocating.

Evelyn couldn’t take it for another second, jumping up and all but running to Negan’s room. She didn’t knock, just barged in. Luckily he was there, holding a glass and a bottle of liquor, clearly having been drinking for a while.

“Take me to Alexandria,” she demanded, then realized how childish she sounded.

“Why didn’t you fucking go when I gave you the chance?” Negan said, taking a sip of his drink.

“Because I thought you were worth staying for.” Tears prickled her eyes and she couldn’t stop them, “I was wrong! I hate you and I want to leave. Now.”

Negan’s flat expression didn’t change, which made Evelyn even more angry.

“You don’t fucking care, do you?”

Negan looked up at her, at the tears falling down her face, all red with agony and rage.

“It doesn’t matter anymore,” he responded, “but I wish things were different. I’m sorry. I’ll take you to Alexandria tomorrow.”

This only made Evelyn angrier.

“You just said that’s what you wanted,” Negan said, finally showing emotion, exasperated.

“I want you to take responsibility for this mess you made,” her voice wavered and was barely above a whisper, but Negan heard her loud and clear.

“I can’t… It has to be Carl, can’t be mine.”

“Why the fuck not? What’s wrong with you?”

“Just can’t.” Negan mumbled.

“Fine. Fucking coward,” Evelyn spun around to leave.

Negan knew he was a coward, suddenly remembering Lucille’s undead eyes and how he couldn’t put her out of her misery. Couldn’t be brave. Couldn’t be a man. Evelyn was the only person who knew him, the real Negan. She knew he was a piece of shit, a coward. She wanted to stay but he was pushing her away, giving her no choice but to leave.

Negan jumped up and hugged her from behind before she could reach the door.

Evelyn immediately stiffened. “Stop it, Negan. Let me go.”

“I can’t,” he held her tighter, willing himself not to break down, not to cry. He buried his face in the crown of her head, breathing in the scent of her hair.

She trembled under him, both of them were just fucking losing it.

Somehow they were kissing. Maybe Negan turned her around, or maybe Evelyn turned around on her own. Either way, they were kissing and it was messy and the only thing left to do was burn it all down. The mess. The pain. The anger. Each other.

Evelyn’s tears dried up as Negan held her face and wiped at her cheeks with his thumbs and licked up the ones that escaped. Evelyn pulled at his belt and pants, undoing her pants as well.

They stumbled to the bed as their exchange became less sweet and comforting, more fiery and angry. Evelyn tore his clothes off, feeling so angry that he had this control over her because of how much she adored him. Negan could look at her from across the room and make her desperate for him. His smile and passion got under her skin, made her into a person she never thought she’d be. It wasn’t fair.

Negan seemed equally as frustrated. Everything in him screamed that this was wrong, but he couldn’t stop.

When they were unclothed, Negan pushed her down to climb above her. His kisses turned to bites across her skin, sucking until small red marks appeared. Evelyn bucked her hips up for friction, grabbing his hips and pulling him down, digging her nails into his skin until he cooperated. His thick cock fell against her mound. Both of them moved their hips, out of sync and disorganized, but neither cared because the sensation made them both gasp in pleasure.

Negan moved to the side, taking her breast in his mouth. Evelyn dug her fingers into his hair as she moaned, his fingers running through her pubic hair, tugging lightly as he spread her lips and teased her.

“_Shit_,” Negan muttered as a finger slid into her dripping wet core. “I can cum inside you this time.”

“Yes, please, Negan, please cum inside me,” Evelyn begged.

Negan didn’t need telling twice. He quickly rolled back onto her and rubbed his cock through her mound a few more times before parting her lips with his fingers, just to see the glistening pink surrounded by dark curls. Evelyn quivered beneath him and groaned in frustration.

Negan slid into her scorching heat, groaning and cursing above her. He rocked into her, looking her in the eye as he built up his pace.

Both of them were running on instinct. No action was thought through or doubted. Evelyn took his hand and placed it over her stomach, now mostly tight with a healthy amount of pudge. Negan allowed it, holding onto her as he thrusted inside. He moved his hand down further and was able to feel the faintest outline of his cock deep within her. So fucking hot.

“You want my cum, baby? Want me to knock you up?” Apparently, words weren’t thought through either.

“Jesus, yes please, you know I do Negan. Please, I love you,” Evelyn whimpered and squirmed, eyes squeezed shut from the intensity.

“Ok baby,” Negan panted. “I’ll knock you up, I’ll take care of you.”

It was ridiculous, they felt delirious and insane and crazy about each other.

“Evelyn, baby, look at me,” Negan ran his hand over her face, pushing her hair back and leaned over her.

Evelyn spread her hips wider to accommodate him and obeyed him, opening her eyes.

“That’s it, baby, I’m gonna cum in you, ok? Fuck, feels so good. I love you.”

“Love you,” Evelyn gasped out.

Negan picked up his pace, slamming into her as she moaned in delight. When Negan came he groaned out, loud and animal-like. It was the sexiest thing Evelyn had ever heard.

Before he could catch his breath, Negan pulled out and leaned back, spreading her lips again to see his load inside of her.

“God yes, that’s it.”

Negan dove down, connecting his mouth to her wet, slicked up hair and folds.

“Mmm baby, I love you,” Negan groaned as he lapped at her entrance, tasting his cum and her juices before moving to her clit, licking, sucking and nipping.

Evelyn thrashed under him, hands digging into his scalp to stay grounded until the coil inside of her released and she came. Her pulsing entrance squeezed out more thick cum that Negan lapped up.

“That was… wow,” Evelyn whispered.

“Yeah,” Negan agreed, moving around to hold her close as they laid together.

Before Negan could get them up to use the bathroom, Evelyn was asleep. It had been a draining day.

Negan knew he had to make sure she was comfortable, so he got up and found some rope to tie a hand to the headboard as gently as he could. Negan had no idea how she could sleep that way every night.

He desperately wanted to stay in bed with her. It was warm and comforting. But he knew what she would want, so he went to the couch to sleep. He had no idea how they were gonna make this work. Everything was so fucked, unstable, and unpredictable.

Negan’s last thought before falling asleep was that they did indeed need to go to Alexandria. Carl deserved to know that there was a chance he was wrapped up in this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pregnancy tests don't really work that fast... But I don't care ;)
> 
> Small rant about the age of consent/adulthood/maturity - NOT NECESSARY TO READ FOR THIS STORY. 
> 
> Centuries ago, there was simply childhood and adulthood. Teenagers did not exist. Childhood ended when people reached puberty. Back then, this did not occur until about 15-16. 
> 
> Then society advanced and realized that some children were simply too young to work, and we could no longer trust parents and employers to judge what the "right" age was for certain jobs and responsibilities. This is not necessarily to blame "bad" parents, because poverty did not exist in such volume before the Industrial Revolution. At this time, thousands of parents had to make really tough decisions about how they were going to earn enough money to live (Did yall ever watch _The Newsies?_ I freaking loved that movie as a kid). Anyway, child labor laws were put in place while the public education system grew. Suddenly, children had less responsibilities and more freedom to live their life, have fun, make their own choices, etc. Thus, the birth of the teenage years, plus the idea that teenagers make bad choices so parents have to monitor them. 
> 
> When we started associating really important things with the age of adulthood (enlisting in the military, marrying independently, buying alcohol, cigarettes, etc, and voting) decision-makers needed to figure out a good age to lump all of these milestones into, rather than a separate age for each individual law. We settled on 18. 
> 
> However, our brains do not fully develop until 23-24. The part that is still developing is the prefrontal cortex, which is in charge of our ability to consider consequences for our actions, create long-term plans, etc. This isn't to say that we _can't_ do those things before 23-24. We absolutely can, but this is why we often make questionable decisions in our teen years and early-20s, without even realizing how stupid they are. People get dumb tattoos, use drugs, get in trouble with the law, drive recklessly, and make unwise dating choices (this one was me). People often attribute this time period to lack of life experience. While this is a factor, our maturing prefrontal cortex is also to blame.
> 
> (Everything I just wrote is very overarching and simple. There are many, many, many more factors to consider about people's lives, biology, and the decisions they make).
> 
> Interestingly, within the last century, the age of puberty has dropped dramatically. Nowadays, it's around 10-12. Researchers believe this is due to meat and plastic production. As far as we know, there are only 2 ways that a lower puberty age is a risk. First, girls who get their period sooner are more likely to develop breast cancer. Second, the greater the gap between starting puberty and our brains fully maturing, the more opportunities we have to make bad, unhealthy, and dangerous decisions. 
> 
> So, what is the REAL age of consent/adulthood/maturity? Is it puberty or brain development? Is it completing standard education? I'm NOT saying it should be changed from 18. I'm also not saying that my story would be ok in real life (it's not). But I've always found it fascinating to think about how we end up with certain rules and norms, especially when it comes to human development and family dynamics. 
> 
> Another consideration - Would a post-apocalyptic society see a rise in the age of puberty after 2-3 centuries? I actually haven't researched this at all. But my guess is, no. I think that human DNA has been altered to trigger an earlier puberty, because people who live more "natural" lifestyles reach puberty at the same time as everybody else. This is just one of the many unintended consequences of modern society. 
> 
> This is just food for thought. Hope some of yall enjoyed it :)


	14. If crazy equals genius/Then I’m a fucking arsonist/I’m a rocket scientist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Panic! At the Disco - [Crazy = Genius](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLPTNumhyAY)
> 
> Sort of a continuation of S7, E11…
> 
> Mentions S5, E14

The next morning, Evelyn woke up in the bed she felt most comfortable in, but _never_ woke up in. So why was she here?

Evelyn twisted her torso around and saw her wrist tied loosely to Negan’s headboard. She then lifted herself up to see Negan asleep on the couch. She sighed as the memories of last night came back to her.

The sun had just begun to rise outside and was beginning to shine through the open window. Evelyn picked at the rope but couldn’t get it untied, either in her grogginess, because she was doing it one-handed, or because she was unfamiliar with the knot, Evelyn wasn’t sure and huffed in annoyance.

“Negan,” she called out to him.

He didn’t stir. Evelyn cleared her throat, then called out to him a couple more times before he groaned in acknowledgement.

A few moments later, Negan sat up and stretched, rubbing his back and scrubbing his face and hair with a hand.

“Hey,” Negan said when he reached the bed, flopping down next to her instead of untying her.

“Hey yourself, can you help me out?” she asked, moving her immobilized arm around as much as she could.

Negan chuckled, “Yeah baby, sorry.”

Negan’s body enveloped hers as he leaned across to undo the knot. His body was intoxicatingly warm and comforting. But Evelyn had to stay focused. When she was free, she sat up and began putting clothes on.

“What’s the rush?” Negan asked.

“Gotta go back to my room so I can take my pills,” Evelyn said, feeling a pang of guilt for becoming so lax about protecting her medicine. Where she used to refuse nearly all separation from it, she now left it in her room, which was locked at night and when she wasn’t in it. But still completely vulnerable for anyone to break in and steal.

Evelyn jumped when Negan shot up into a sitting position.

“What?” she asked in alarm.

“The medicine, is it safe to take during pregnancy?”

Evelyn blinked at him a couple times, “I have no idea. Pregnancy never came up with my _pediatric_ cardiologist. Oh and you just killed our doctor so… _I don’t know,_ Negan.”

Negan rolled his eyes at her attitude and fell back against the bed, slinging an arm over his eyes.

“You think I’m just killing doctors left and right? I wouldn’t have done it if we didn’t have a back-up, ok? In the meantime, there has to be some kind of medication or pharmacy handbook down in the office.”

Evelyn didn’t reply, just pulled on her shoes and left. She went straight to the doctor’s office, looking around for books. When she couldn’t find any, Evelyn moved her search to Dr. Carson’s personal office space.

This office was _filled_ with books, so she began to shift through them, looking for something about medications or pharmaceuticals. A stupid little monkey on the cover of a thick book caught her eye: _Clinician’s Pocket Drug Reference 2008_. Evelyn hoped the book was more informative than the cover led her to believe.

A quick flip through the pages had her head spinning. She went to the Contents page, but it didn’t help. Then she went to the back and searched for her medication in the Index: Propranolol… page 177. The words, numbers, and acronyms made her feel very confused. There had to be something about pregnancy in here. Finally, she read something relevant:

> **_Caution: [C (1st tri, D if 2nd or 3rd tri), +]_ **

Assuming “A” was completely safe or mildly unsafe, “C” and “D” didn’t sound too good. Evelyn glanced around her, wondering if she needed _another_ book to explain this.

Before setting off on a wild goose chase, Evelyn flipped to the front of the book. She sighed in relief when she found a page titled Medication Key.

> **_… FDA Fetal Risk Categories… _ **
> 
> ** _Category C: Animal studies have shown an adverse effect on the fetus, but no adequate studies have been done in humans. The benefits from the use of the drug in pregnant women may be acceptable despite its potential risks. OR No animal reproduction studies and no adequate studies in humans have been done._ **
> 
> ** _Category D: There is evidence of human fetal risk, but the potential benefits from the use of the drug in pregnant women may be acceptable despite its potential risks._ **
> 
> ** _...Breast-Feeding Classifications… _ **
> 
> **_\+ Compatible with breast-feeding_ **

Evelyn didn’t like the possibility of the second part of Category C, but the other two seemed reasonable. Not ideal, but reasonable. It was better than:

> **_Category X: Studies in animals or humans or adverse reaction reports, or both, have demonstrated fetal abnormalities. The risk of use in pregnant women clearly outweighs any possible benefit._ **

And the breast-feeding classification seemed ok too. Evelyn folded the corners of the Medication Key and page 177, then returned the book to where she found it. Without an actual doctor around to discuss the situation, she had to assume that taking the medicine was the best thing to do.

Evelyn returned to her room and noticed Frankie and Tanya eyeing her. It was pretty obvious she hadn’t slept in her own bed last night, but she didn’t offer them any information.

Later in the day, Evelyn was falling apart. She already missed Penelope. She didn’t know what to do about Negan or Carl. The wives were acting very strange, which made her nervous.

She decided to wait in Negan’s room for him. It was an unspoken rule not to do this. Although, the other wives didn’t have much desire to. But still, Negan retrieved them on _his_ time.

With nothing to do but wait, Evelyn roamed around his room, looking through stuff she’d never had the chance to investigate before. Negan had over a dozen spiral-bound notebooks filled with his handwritten notes on inventory, nearby terrain and roads, walker herds, and large-scale Sanctuary cleaning and maintenance schedules. He had records of Sanctuary and outpost residents with ID numbers, birthdates, former education levels and professions, and current job assignments. He had trends and details about crimes, illnesses, and deaths (intentional, accidental, and natural). There were long equations to calculate how much fuel, food, water, and medicine was needed per person, how long current supplies would last, how much was needed with projected population estimates, and so much more.

There was no denying Negan was an extremely smart man. A little unhinged, but still very intelligent. There was no way Negan knew how to do these calculations and community organizing before the outbreak, and based on the dozens of books tucked away with these notes (trigonometry, calculus, infectious diseases, survivalists guides, etc.), he must have spent weeks, maybe months, teaching himself _everything._

Evelyn continued to open cabinets and drawers, knowing he wouldn’t like it, but oh well.

Then she found that silly camcorder. Evelyn took it out of a cabinet and checked to see if their video was still on it.

Yep, still there. She rewound past it and saw videos of people she didn't recognize. The pictures were zooming by, but Evelyn could tell they were some kind of interviews. She wondered if these were taken before or after the outbreak.

Evelyn quickly paused the video when she saw… Carl.

But it was a much different Carl. He still had hair longer than most boys, and his brown Sheriffs hat. But he looked… smaller. He was thinner and probably shorter. He was holding a beautiful baby who must be his little sister.

And he had both his eyes.

Evelyn continued rewinding until the next person’s interview. She quickly hit play and within a few seconds Carl’s interview started.

_"This is the kind of place my mom wanted for us… I didn’t just lose her. I killed her. It had to be me.” _

He talked more about his dad and other members of their group. The only name she recognized was Daryl.

Carl’s interview seemed short, so Evelyn continued to rewind and watched Daryl’s interview. His was also short. He was a man of few words.

Afterwards, Evelyn rewound the video some more, but reached the end. She played the first interview and guessed this was Carl’s dad. The authority in his eyes, body language, and words reminded her of Negan. But he was much calmer, less charismatic.

_“Because it’s all about survival now, at any cost.”_

Aint that the truth.

Evelyn jumped when the door opened.

“What are you doing in here?” Negan asked with a sigh. He put Lucille down by the door and pulled off his leather jacket and glove.

“Thought we should talk,” Evelyn replied, turning off the camcorder.

Negan grabbed a beer and watched her. “Re-watching our sex tape?” he asked with a chuckle.

“No, I was actually watching the interviews. Have you seen them? The one of Carl?”

Negan sat down across from her. “Yeah, I watched em all.”

Evelyn nodded, not sure what else to say.

“He’s pretty special, huh?” Negan said, more of a statement than a question.

Evelyn blushed but looked at him in confusion.

“I want him to take over for me one day. I don’t know how all this is gonna play out, but I want to bring him here soon.”

“To live here, with us… _All_ of us?” she whispered.

"Yeah, all of us darlin,” Negan said, entertained by her disbelief.

“Ok… I understand wanting to train him as a leader, but you’re saying you want him to _live with us_. Like, as a family? You and me and Carl and the baby?” Evelyn was sure Negan had truly lost his mind.

“Yeah, well,” Negan shifted uncomfortably. “Carl and I kinda had a… moment. Before I took him to Alexandria.”

"What the hell kind of moment, Negan?”

“We kissed,” he said slowly. He seemed to be fighting an instinct that told him not to talk about this, to keep it a secret.

That was the last thing she expected Negan to say. He was a ‘man’s man,’ not the type to be sexually fluid. “Have you ever kissed a guy before?” she asked.

“Shit no, never. But things were different before all this… I’m not saying I like guys now. It's just that, well, Carl is different, special.”

Evelyn agreed with him but still couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

“He watched our video by the way,” Negan added, smirking because he knew what this information would do to her

Evelyn was immediately breathless. She couldn’t have heard him right. “_What_?”

“Yeah, he watched our little sex tape. And liked it a lot, apparently,” Negan said, wiggling his eyebrows at her.

“You-,” Evelyn stopped to clear her throat. “You talked to him about it? What did he say?”

Negan loved the aroused display before him. Evelyn pushed her legs together and squirmed around, unable to sit still. She was breathing a little harder and watching him with rapt attention. He chuckled and stood up, motioning her to come to the bed with him. Evelyn all but jumped from her seat to the bed.

They sat together against the headboard with Negan’s arm around her. Evelyn continued her fidgeting against him, which was adorable.

“You really wanna know what Carl said?” Negan teased.

Evelyn lightly hit his chest. “_Come_ _on_ Negan,” she whined. “Stop messing with me pleeeaase.”

Negan laughed, “Ok, ok, I’ll tell you what happened. First of all, I found the camcorder on his bed, so I’m certain he jerked off to it.”

His words had an immediate effect. Evelyn moaned and squirmed more, then moved her leg over his so she could straddle his thigh. Negan felt like this would be much more enjoyable if they were naked, so he began unbuttoning her top.

“And when he realized I knew what he’d done, _damn_, that blush was _adorable_. He was so embarrassed.”

Evelyn giggled at the thought as Negan removed her top and bra, then unbuttoned her shorts.

“I asked him to tell me something he liked about the video and he said that watching you squirt was _really_ hot. He didn’t know what that was, of course.”

Evelyn keened as she pushed her clothed pussy against his thigh.

“Did you tell him?”

“Yeah I did, but he didn’t really get it. I think he needs another demonstration to fully understand,” Negan chuckled as Evelyn moaned and whimpered. “Then he said that it looked like you _really_ enjoyed giving me a blow job.”

“_Fuck_,” Evelyn whispered as Negan pulled his tshirt off too.

“The next day, when I kissed him, it was so hot, with his body on top of mine, grinding down similar to how you are now,” Negan smiled deviously as he nudged Evelyn to move over so they could continue undressing.

“How did it happen?” she asked, once both of them were naked and she was in his lap, wrapping her legs around his waist as he relaxed against the headboard again.

“I made him angry, imagine that?” Negan chuckled, “Then, I don’t really know what happened, one minute he wanted to kill me, the next we were kissing and he was in my lap-“

Evelyn nearly screamed from his words as she rubbed her clit over his cock. Her wetness smeared on the base of his dick while the sides were tickled by her pubic hair. Negan couldn’t wait any longer. He reached down and tilted his cock towards her entrance. She immediate sat up to accommodate him, then Negan was sliding into her, filling her up.

“_Christ_,” Negan cursed. “Then he was grinding against me and, _fuck_, he came right there in his jeans. _Mmm_ felt so good to feel him tremble like that, hear those sweet noises he made. And _god_ his face when he came, so fucking sexy.”

“Negan, Negan, _please_,” Evelyn whimpered, desperate to cum as she moved her hips against him.

Negan held her close as he reached into the drawer for a vibrator. Once he clicked it on and pushed it against her clit, she picked up the rhythm as her walls gripped his cock impossibly tight.

“That’s it baby, you like that? Tell me what you wanna see me do to Carl,” he ordered huskily.

“Kiss him,” Evelyn gasped each word out between thrusts. “Wanna suck you with him.”

Negan growled, “Mmm, fuck yes. My baby girl and baby boy kneeling in front of me, licking my cock together, _Jesus_.”

Negan leaned forward to nip at her breasts. “Baby, you’d do so good, teaching him how to lick and suck me like you do.”

He needed to fuck into her, hard. Negan gripped her close to still her hips and flipped them around, turning off and tossing the vibrator to the side, for now. Evelyn adjusted to get comfortable, and secured her legs around his waist. Then Negan was pounding into her while kissing and biting her neck.

“I want-,” Evelyn gasped, barely able to form a conscious thought but completely pulled into the game. “I want both of you inside me.”

Negan groaned loud and shot his load deep within her. Evelyn wasn’t far behind. Negan thrusted his overstimulated cock into her, feeling the cum squish around him. He pulled back to retrieve the vibrator and pressed it against her clit again. He felt her walls seize and knew she was close.

“Yes baby, how do you want us? Want my cock splitting your ass open or do you want to give him a chance to fuck that tight little hole?” Negan whispered, making Evelyn scream as she came.

Negan pulled out and clicked off the vibrator. Then he laid down and turned Evelyn to spoon her as he kissed her neck and shoulder.

“Negan,” she whispered after a few minutes.

“Hmm?”

She turned in his arms to face him. “Can we really do this? Make it work? The three of us, well four of us soon?”

“I don’t know, Evelyn. But we can try.”

They were quiet for a while, looking into each other’s eyes, slowly kissing before relaxing against each other, both of them totally spent.

“What did you find out about the medicine?” Negan asked.

“It’s not recommended to take during pregnancy, but if it’s necessary, then I should take it.”

Negan nodded. “Alright, and we’ll have Dr. Carson 2.0 in a couple days, ok? He’s even better than the first one because he was an OBGYN before.”

Evelyn frowned at how nonchalantly Negan talked about a person that he _killed_.

Negan, of course, sensed this and sighed. “I’m sorry Evelyn, that was insensitive to say…”

Evelyn knew Negan didn’t feel remorse for what he did. It bothered her, but what could she do about it? She decided to change the subject. “What about Carl and Alexandria?”

“I’ll take you there soon. I need some time to think this through. But I promise we’ll go so you can tell Carl and see Penelope, ok?”

Evelyn stiffened. “I can’t just go to visit Penelope. If I see her, we _have_ to stay together. I can’t do this to her again.”

“Ok,” Negan said, kissing and touching her soothingly. “I gotta think about this, but I’ll come up with a plan soon.”

“The most important thing is that she’s safe, Negan. That’s more important than me and you, ok?”

In a way, Negan disagreed. Evelyn was the most important person to him, and she was pregnant. But he understood what people would do for their family, what Evelyn would do for her family, so he just nodded in agreement.

Evelyn looked skeptical but borrowed her forehead in his chest anyway.

It was still early, the sun was barely setting, but Negan quickly fell asleep.

There were countless times that Evelyn didn’t want to leave Negan’s bed. But this somehow seemed like one of the hardest times.


	15. So can you tell me what exactly does freedom mean/If I’m not free to be as twisted as I wanna be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Disturbed - [Divide](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94JZ7M7B8Iw)
> 
> A bi male character is mentioned in this chapter. If you want someone to picture, I used [Justin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTyFlZ5vElM) (Hispanic male) from season 8 of the reality TV show _Are the One?_ I linked a fan-made YouTube video, cuz it’s super cute. If you haven’t seen the show, I highly recommend it :)
> 
> S7, E15-16

Tensions were high in Alexandria when Rick announced their new ally, the Scavengers. Not much was known about them, except they had the guns and numbers that Alexandria and the Hilltop needed. For a community that was so tight knit, it was difficult to trust someone from the outside.

Daryl returned to Alexandria shortly after he was left at the Kingdom. Rick and Michonne were disappointed that Ezekiel wasn’t going to help with their efforts to take down Negan. They were also disappointed that Daryl hadn’t stayed for his own safety and maybe even to change Ezekiel’s mind.

However, Daryl reported back that Carol was living near the Kingdom and had a friendship with Ezekiel. Daryl also confided that he lied to Carol about Glenn and Abraham. He saw the peace that she felt in her current situation and couldn’t bring himself to drag her out of that.

Penelope settled into Alexandria. She picked up the “big sister” role for Judith effortlessly. Carl guessed there were other small children at the Sanctuary, because she knew when she was being too rough and she knew what Judith needed to be soothed. It was admittedly very cute.

It made Carl wish Judith could have a real little sibling. He wondered if Rick and Michonne would ever have a child.

Other than Judith, Penelope wasn’t bonding with anyone. She didn’t talk and she kept to herself. Penelope did enjoy running around in the grass with the kids, playing games that didn’t require much communication, but she wasn’t interested in Carl, Rick, or Michonne.

Meanwhile, Carl felt… lost. That was the best way to describe it. He was grateful for his time with Dean at the Kingdom, as he was now certain that he wasn’t 100% straight, he did like men. Carl had feared that he somehow liked _Negan_ as an exception to his preference for women. But it wasn’t just Negan, it was men _and_ women, in general. Carl knew that people could be heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual, but he had never met anyone who openly stated that they were bi.

Carl hadn’t considered himself to be bisexual, mostly because his sexuality hadn’t existed, hadn’t mattered. He remembered a few crushes from his early childhood; a neighbor who was one grade older than him, red hair, tomboy named Lucy, and a girl who he had class with two years in a row with short, brown hair, and a year-round gymnast named Elizabeth.

Then there was Sophia Peletier. It felt like more time had passed since she died. But during their brief few months together after the outbreak, Carl thought she was “the one,” or as much as a 14 year old could think in that way.

After Sophia, Carl didn’t have _strong_ feelings for anyone his own age until Enid. He recalled having crush on some women and female teens along the way; Amy, Beth, Rosita, Sasha, and a few others. But now that he (sort of) understood his attraction for men too, he had felt similarly for some men and male teens; Jimmy, Oscar, Mikey, Jesus, and a few others. The butterflies and shyness he felt when he first saw them. The interest he felt in learning more about them, whether he overcame that shyness to be their friend or not.

Now Carl found himself in the back of the RV on the way to Oceanside, Rick and Michonne in the front, Carl, Enid, and several others in the back. He’d gone into this seating arrangement willingly, but now regretted it as Enid made a tentative move to hold his hand.

He didn’t want to embarrass her, so Carl allowed it, entwining their fingers together while trying to come up with the right thing to say to her privately. He still liked Enid, but he knew she wanted to be his girlfriend. And maybe he could be her boyfriend later, but he didn’t want to “settle down” right now, he wanted to try being with boys and girls. And worst of all, Enid would be disgusted if she knew everything that had happened at the Sanctuary. She could never find out and Carl knew enough about relationships to understand that you shouldn’t lie and keep secrets from each other like that.

When they fnally parked, Carl released her hand, hoping that he did so before Rick and Michonne noticed. Everyone began to hop out and Carl was about to follow suit-

“Wait,” Enid asked quietly.

Carl sighed and turned back to her. Rick and Michonne were already getting people organized without looking back. “Yeah?”

“I just… haven’t seen you much since we, ya know, kissed,” she blushed. “I thought you might bring it up, but you didn’t. So I guess that means you’re not actually interested in me?”

“Enid, it’s not like that,” he started, but felt very uncomfortable and a little guilty. “I like you a lot, but I’m trying to… figure some things out right now. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Oh ok,” Enid said, not understanding but also not knowing what else to say.

“I just want to be your friend. We can still be friends, right?” Carl asked, suddenly nervous that she’d say no. That he’d lose her as a friend because of this.

“Of course, Carl!” she replied, leaning in for a hug.

Carl hugged her back, “Thank you.”

* * *

_“Do you ever think about who you’ve killed?”_

_“Yeah..... _ _It’s not just the ones I killed. I think about the people I didn’t kill, too.”_

* * *

When the vehicles were loaded with the Oceanside’s armory, Carl feigned a headache and asked to ride back in the van with Aaron, which was a slightly smoother ride than the RV. Everyone agreed and Carl took Gabriel’s spot in the passenger seat.

“You don’t really have a headache, do you?” Aaron asked, seeing right through him.

Carl shook his head.

“Why didn’t you want to ride back in the RV?”

“I kind of turned down Enid. We’re still friends but I just don’t want to risk hurting her feelings right now.”

“Oh,” Aaron responded, clearly a bit surprised by the conversation. “I’m sorry to hear that, you two seem good together.”

“I know, I like her a lot, I really do. But I’ve recently figured out that I… um… like guys and girls and I didn’t know who to talk to about it,” Carl’s face burned as he said the last part quickly. Aaron seemed to understand him, as he nodded and his knuckles whitened on the steering wheel.

“Ok, we can talk about that, I think. I’m gay and so is Eric, but I’ve known people who were bisexual. I’m not sure how much I can tell you that’ll helpful, though,” Aaron was clearly uncomfortable, but nonetheless he wasn’t going to shut Carl down, knowing how much courage it took to bring this up.

“I’ve never met anyone who was bisexual, at least not that I know of. I was hoping you had known someone who was like me and maybe tell me what that was like.”

Aaron nodded thoughtfully. “Well, before all this, it was pretty popular for girls to say they were bi and kiss other girls, but it was all to get a guy’s attention. It’s kind of an ‘interest’ for straight men to see girls do that,” Aaron cleared his throat and glanced at Carl, to make sure he didn’t need to go into further detail about it. Carl nodded so he continued, “But I knew some women who really were bisexual. They always had a hard time with dating, trying to get people to understand, so they ended up just ‘picking a side,’ as they say. Then they’d date people of that gender until they found someone to settle down with.”

“Ok, and what about men?”

“I only met one guy who was out and proud as bisexual. There isn’t much interest among women to see two guys together the way it is for men to see two girls together. A lot of women would be completely turned off by him when they found out, even though he was very attractive, smart, funny, the whole package.”

“Did you date him?” Carl asked with little smirk about how Aaron was describing this man.

Aaron chuckled, “Yeah, I did. We were together for about a year. He was actually my last relationship before I met Eric. Anyway, this guy, Justin, said he always knew he liked guys and girls, but it was easier to only date girls for a long time. But even when he was happy in a relationship, he felt like he was living a lie and it wasn’t fair to him or his partner. One day he decided to stop fooling himself and come out to everybody. This was before I met him, so I don’t know what it was like, but he said it was challenging and painful, like most ‘coming out’ stories. Despite that, he said he didn’t regret it.”

“How did you feel about it?”

“Well, I tried not to be judgmental about it, but there was some strain in our relationship because of it. I think we had a normal amount of jealousy that couples tend to have, but I found myself feeling inadequate when those little jealousy spats came up. Not only was I worried that he wanted to be with someone else, but they could do things for him that I couldn’t.”

“Like what?” Carl asked, his fascination making him forget his embarrassment.

“We couldn’t get married, since it was illegal in DC. We couldn’t have a child that was biologically from both of us. And… well… anatomically, I’m obviously not a woman, so I worried he would realize he wanted those physical attributes again and leave me.”

Carl’s embarrassment suddenly returned, “Oh.”

“Yeah, I guess it was my own insecurities that caused our relationship to not work out. There were other issues, but it was harder to handle them without a good foundation.”

“Do you think he found someone?”

“I hope he did, but I don’t know. We lost touch years before the outbreak.”

Carl nodded solemnly.

“I know this seems a bit hopeless. But I think Justin had the right idea about being open and honest with the people he dated. I would have felt very hurt and deceived if I went into the relationship thinking Justin was gay and later found out he was bi.”

“But it sounds a lot more difficult than being gay or straight. I don’t want things to be harder than they have to be, ya know?”

“Yeah I know, kid. But you can’t pretend to be something you’re not. There’s nothing wrong with you for being this way, ok? Try to have faith that it will all work out.”

“Ok,” Carl agreed skeptically.

“I promise, Carl, it gets better.”

Silence fell between them as Carl processed everything.

* * *

When they arrived back at Alexandria, it was already dark.

Rosita was at the gate. Carl wanted to know where she’d been, but his dad told him to check on Judith and Penelope instead. Barbara greeted Carl when he entered, asking about their trip and reporting that the two were asleep upstairs. Carl thanked her for helping and she left.

Carl found the two asleep in Judith’s crib. It was a tight fit but neither seemed to mind.

By the time Carl had showered and dressed, Rick and Michonne had returned to the house and updated Carl.

Sasha and Rosita went to the Sanctuary to kill Negan. At the last minute, Sasha stopped Rosita and went in alone. During Rosita’s escape, Dwight approached her, offering to help defeat Negan and the Saviors. Rick and Daryl decided to hear him out and learned that Negan was coming to Alexandria tomorrow with about 20 men. They decided to trust Dwight, allowing him to return to the Sanctuary. Rick sent a messenger to the Scavengers that tomorrow was the day to fight.

“A small group are going back to Hilltop tonight to tell Maggie the situation,” Rick said. “Judith needs to go with them.”

"Penelope, too? What about the other kids?”

Rick frowned and cocked his head to the side, “I can’t send every kid to Hilltop in the middle of the night.”

“Why not?” Carl asked angrily, “All of the children are important, not just Judith.”

Michonne gave Rick a look. He sighed and compromised, “Fine, we’ll wake everyone up. But only the kids under 12 are leaving, ok? Those who can’t fight will have to stick together, maybe the house that’s furthest from the gate.”

It was a long night of work to get the community up to speed and organized. Carl felt uneasy as he helped load Judith and Penelope into a car with Jesus and Enid. Neither of them woke up fully so he couldn’t really say goodbye.

Carl laid down in his room with only a few hours until sunrise. Rick and Michonne were still out and about to prepare for Negan’s arrival, but they’d insisted that Carl needed rest.

Naturally, the buzz of thoughts wouldn’t let him sleep. Carl wondered what had happened to Sasha. If she was alive or dead. How many people she had killed trying to reach Negan. This was the main thing Carl was worried about. He didn’t know if Sasha would be able to, or even cared to consider, whether she was shooting a civilian or soldier. His worst fear was Evelyn being caught in the crossfire. Carl desperately wished he could ask Negan but knew it would be impossible.

Carl thought about how many times he actively chose _not_ to kill Negan. If he’d killed him when he had the chance, so many people would still be alive. And he knew tomorrow would raise the death toll more and hoped no one he loved was taken from him. The thought made his stomach hurt.

Then Carl thought about their kiss. And how Negan was annoyingly right about so many things. He thought about what he’d learned from Aaron. It sounded like being a bisexual male was a cursed life, one that was unlikely to lead to a happy, lasting relationship. He already felt cursed with his disfigured face. How much worse could his love life be?

Was Negan also bi? Carl was a guy and he’d kissed him, passionately in fact. Not only that, but Negan had also touched him. Not under his clothes, but it still felt _intimate_. Carl could recall the burning touch of Negan’s hand brushing his knee, gripping his thighs, running up his body, and around his neck.

Carl’s eye sprang open when he realized his thoughts had made him hard. This man was attacking his home in a matter of hours. And he was undeniably aroused by him. Carl looked down at his tented shorts, feeling betrayed by his own body and annoyed. The last time he came was with Dean, which had been a week ago. Carl knew that he had to take care of this now or he’d suffer later.

Reluctantly, Carl reached into his shorts to stroke his cock. He couldn’t hold back his sigh of relief as he relaxed against his pillow. An empty house was a rare occurrence. Carl figured he’d be able to cover himself quickly if he heard the front door, so he pulled off his shorts and underwear.

He reached down to palm his heavy balls. Their fullness reaffirmed Carl that this was ok, he needed this, and even though thoughts of Negan prompted this, he didn’t have to continue thinking about him as he got off.

Carl thought about Evelyn. How being inside of her was the best thing he’d ever felt. He wanted to feel that again, to do that again. His hand felt so unsatisfying in comparison. He also wanted what Dean had done to him. Carl reached further down with his free hand and lightly rubbed over his entrance. A shiver ran up his spine, making him hiss and groan. His hand sped up and he wanted to push his finger in, but couldn’t bring himself to do it. It felt weird and scary doing this by himself. Carl settled for tapping and rubbing his hole, it was pleasurable enough this way.

Carl knew that a girl could do this to him, just like a boy could. But he wanted a guy to do this. He wanted his fingers, his cock inside of him while Evelyn’s warm, wet pussy rode him.

He couldn’t help it when Negan became the guy in his fantasy. Maybe it was because he had already seen Negan and Evelyn together, so it was easier to picture. Carl bit his lip to keep from crying out as he thought of Evelyn leaning down to kiss him, then straightening up and turning to kiss Negan, both of them moving against him in the most erotic way imaginable.

Carl gasped and moaned as he came. It gushed out in pulse after pulse. Carl figured that the longer he waited between masturbating, the more he came. This one was huge, reaching his chest and covering his stomach in thick, white liquid.

He reached down to grab his blanket but then paused, remembering what Dean said about getting used to the taste of cum. It wasn’t bad to taste his own, was it?

Carl ran a shaking finger through the mess and brought it to his lips. He hesitated for a moment before licking a small amount up. It tasted almost the same as Dean’s. He couldn’t help but grimace. Still, he persevered and popped his finger in his mouth. Carl did this a few more times and by then it didn’t taste so weird anymore.

Finally, he took the edge of his blanket and cleaned up the rest. He felt much more tired than before so he balled up the blanket and threw it in his hamper. Carl immediately fell back against his pillow and fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to research a lot of TWD characters while writing this chapter. If you had some trouble remembering them, here’s a list with their wiki pages. 
> 
> [Sophia Peletier](https://walkingdead.fandom.com/wiki/Sophia_Peletier_\(TV_Series\))  
[Amy](https://walkingdead.fandom.com/wiki/Amy_\(TV_Series\))  
[Beth Greene](https://walkingdead.fandom.com/wiki/Beth_Greene_\(TV_Series\))  
[Jimmy](https://walkingdead.fandom.com/wiki/Jimmy_\(TV_Series\))  
[Oscar](https://walkingdead.fandom.com/wiki/Oscar_\(Prison\))  
[Mikey](https://walkingdead.fandom.com/wiki/Mikey_\(TV_Series\))  
[Barbara](https://walkingdead.fandom.com/wiki/Barbara_\(TV_Series\)) (Judith's babysitter)


	16. I’ve been to Hell and back and now it’s just a part of me/Without the darkness there’d be no light in me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: In This Moment - [Half Good Half Devil](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwzaIEmaW0s)
> 
> I’m kicking myself cuz my friend’s Netflix ended on 12/31/19. And I was using it to watch bits of each TWD episode in order to write this fanfic lol. I will be figuring out another arrangement so I can continue! 
> 
> Here’s my [inspiration](https://neganuniverse.tumblr.com/post/182279954224) for a specific part of this chapter ;)
> 
> Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!
> 
> S7, E14-15
> 
> This chapter includes past rape/non-con.

Never one to be clingy, that’s now how Evelyn was acting towards Negan. Sure, she (almost) always enjoyed her time with him, but she’d also felt just fine doing her own thing while he did his. Without Penelope at the Sanctuary, her alone time was spent entirely worrying about her niece. Being alone now felt overwhelming.

So Evelyn stayed in Negan’s room for most of the following few days. And he didn’t kick her out. Aside from their separation while they slept (which Negan never complained about, as he slept on the couch) it was almost like they were a real couple.

Negan brought in the “new” Dr. Carson. Evelyn met with him to talk about her situation. He instructed her to take one more pregnancy test to make sure (as well as they could confirm with what they had) and it was still positive. Dr. Carson agreed that Evelyn should continue her medication during this time. He shared her concern over the cardiac device… But there was nothing he could do to help.

Hours later, Negan and Evelyn were asleep in their new arrangement when a frantic knock on his door awoke them both.

Negan pulled his jeans on and grumbled as he approached the door. Evelyn reached up and released herself from the restraints. She didn’t know if she should get up or not. Ultimately, she moved to the edge of the bed to watch the exchange.

Negan opened the door with an annoyed, “_What_?”

“I’m sorry to bother you sir, but there’s been a breach in our security. We think it was an assassination attempt. She seems to be alone but we’re checking the perimeter.”

Negan groaned, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, “How many did they take out?”

“Seven, sir. She’s in the cell now.”

“Any civilians?”

“No, sir.”

“Alright. Give me your radio, who’s in charge tonight?”

“Regina, sir,” he replied as he handed Negan the walkie.

“Regina, it’s Negan,” he spoke into it.

After a moment, a crackled, “Yes, sir?” came through.

“Keep me updated on here, got it?”

“Yes, sir. We’re still checking the perimeter, no sign of an accomplice yet.”

“Good,” Negan said once more in the walkie before nodding to the man and shutting the door.

Negan didn’t turn around right away, keeping his back to Evelyn and his hand on the door, head bowed.

Evelyn didn’t say anything. It was scary to hear that an assassin had infiltrated the Sanctuary and killed multiple people. What if she’d reached this room before she was caught?

Negan let out a heavy sigh and turned around to face Evelyn. “Shit,” he muttered, discarding his jeans, and crawling into the bed next to her.

Evelyn still didn’t know what so say but cuddled close to him as Negan stroked her hair.

Communication crackled over the walkie between the Saviors with each of them stating the section they had searched.

Over half an hour later, Regina’s voice came through, “Negan?”

Negan untangled himself from Evelyn and reached for the walkie, “Go ahead.”

“The perimeter is clear, sir. She seems to be acting alone but…”

“But what?” Negan prompted impatiently.

“She cut through the gate to enter, but then she bolted it closed with her own lock. I don’t see how this would benefit her or her plan.”

“Hmm,” Negan hummed, “Let me think on it and I’ll talk to her tomorrow.”

“Yes sir,” she replied before Negan clicked the walkie off and set it aside.

Negan groaned as he pulled Evelyn back in.

“What do you think happened?” Evelyn finally asked.

“It’s someone from Rick’s group. I doubt he sent them, but I gotta make sure.”

“Do you think they acted alone?”

“Probably not, but if Rick wasn’t in on this, the other person won’t be a threat. They’re probably over halfway to Alexandria by now... Either way, security’s been increased and I’ll handle the rest tomorrow,” Negan closed his eyes and held her tight before relaxing all over.

“You gonna fall asleep?” Evelyn whispered.

“No, not really enough time before the sun comes up. You go ahead and sleep baby, ok?”

Evelyn nodded against him and eventually fell asleep.

* * *

Several hours later, Evelyn woke up alone. She checked her watch, 11:30am.

She ate some breakfast, took her medicine, showered, and dressed in fresh clothes. By that time her curiosity got the best of her, so she walked around, hoping to run into Negan. Evelyn wanted to know who had attempted to assassinate Negan and if, in fact, Rick had sent them. She wondered how Carl fit into all of this. And what was worse, how Penelope fit into this.

Evelyn decided to loiter the area near the cells. It was possible Negan had already seen the prisoner.

“Evelyn?” Negan asked sharply, approaching her with a Savior trailing behind him. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to ask you if I could be there, when you talk to the prisoner.”

“Why?”

Evelyn looked behind Negan’s shoulder at the other man.

Negan followed her gaze and sighed. He turned to the man, “Take a walk, come back in 5 minutes, got it?” he ordered.

“Yes, sir,” the man replied and left.

“What is it?” Negan asked impatiently.

“I just want to see if she knows how Carl and Penelope are. Please? You know how worried I am.”

Negan scratched his chin, “I can’t ask her that, Evelyn. And neither can you. We can’t show them that we care about something because they’ll use it against us. Vulnerabilities are weaknesses.”

Evelyn crossed her arms in frustration.

“The situation is complicated right now. There’s some shit brewing with Alexandria that I need to deal with. If it’s not handled carefully, things will turn bad real quick.”

Evelyn glared at him for another moment before dropping it and hugging him. She was scared and confused, but she knew Negan was just trying to protect her.

The Savior returned and Negan kissed the top of head before stepping away.

They continued in silence until they turned a corner and saw the cell at the end of the hall with the door open.

“What the shit?” Negan muttered, holding out his arm for her wait a good distance from the door and motioning his Savior to follow. Evelyn followed quietly instead of staying put.

A dull thunk was heard from within the cell and a grunt of pain, definitely from a male. The male was talking but Evelyn couldn’t make it out, then they heard the distinct sound of a belt being unbuckled.

Negan banged Lucille against the doorframe, making Evelyn jump.

_“Hey! David…”_ Negan trailed off, taking a step into the cell to assess the situation. Despite his order, Evelyn took another step closer to see David, on his knees, now putting his belt back in place. She could only see the prisoner’s shadow due to the angle.

_“What the hell are you doing in here?”_ Negan asked sarcastically. David fumbled with a reply before Negan cut him off, _“Do you really think I need you to answer that? I can see that you’re trying to rape this woman. You were trying to rape this woman, weren’t you? This is some unacceptable behavior. Rape is against the rules here. I wouldn’t wanna be somewhere where it wasn’t. Someone in charge who let something like that fly… Whew…”_

Negan unsheathed his knife as David whimpered pathetically. Negan spoke a bit softer and studied him for a long moment before sinking the blade into his neck.

_“You know what? I do not except your apology,”_ Negan said, just loud enough for Evelyn to hear. She knew he was smiling as David fell to the ground.

Negan whistled then called to the Savior,_ “Hey! Get uh…”_ he turned back to the prisoner, but Evelyn couldn’t hear her. _“That is a beautiful name,”_ Negan continued. _“Get Sasha here a new tshirt.”_

Evelyn moved right next to the door, with her back to the wall so Sasha couldn’t see her, but she could hear much better.

_“I’m sorry you had to see that, sorry about the rope too. Probably overkill, but you did cause one hell of a fracas last night… Oh shit,” _Negan chuckled. _“I remember you. Yeah. You were there,” Negan made two distinct clonking noises. “Oh hell, I get it now. I got to hand it to you. You’ve got some beach ball-sized lady nuts on you, coming in all kamikaze like that. Big question here, and I need the truth on this one. Did Rick put you up to this?”_

_“Rick? Your bitch? No,”_ she replied.

_“Either way, you must have thought it was the end, coming in on your lonesome like that. But that’s not the way it’s gotta go. Uh-uh, just the opposite. See this… This could be the beginning… This knife is yours now. You can try to use it, take me out, but considering I am standing above you, holding a baseball bat, that doesn’t seem real smart. Now, you can use it to slit your wrists, which would be a damn shame, but I get it. You’re obviously not on the shiny side of the street, given recent events. Now, you can sit there and do nothing, wait for ol’ David to come back to life and eat your face, also a damn shame and kinda nuts. But, hell, to each their own. Or you can use the blade and stop ol’ Rapey Davey from becoming dead-alive Rapey Davey. Save yourself, join the cause. I know what I’d do.”_

_“What?”_

_“I’m a man short. Hell, you can’t really call this piece of shit a man, but still, I’m short. And you’ve got those beach ball-sized lady nuts, and I wanna harness the heat coming off of them. You can help me run this place one day, all of us together, following the rules, working on the same side of things. That’s all this was ever about. And it still can be for you. I know it’s hard to picture, considering what I did. But Sasha, we all got shit to get over. Take some time, think about it. Whatever you decide, so it shall be. No pressure. And, again, I am sorry you had to see that, even though I know you have seen some things. I just want you to understand, we are not monsters.”_

Negan walked out of the cell as the Savior turned the corner with a new shirt. He tossed it in the cell and closed the door.

Evelyn didn’t care that the Savior was still right there. She couldn’t stop herself, even if she wanted to. She pulled Negan in by his hips and kissed him passionately.

Negan chuckled against her lips and tried to pull away. “Not that I mind this baby, I don’t, believe me. But what’s gotten into you?”

Negan glanced up at the man standing near them and flicked him away. The Savior speed-walked around the corner and out of sight.

Evelyn reached out and grabbed those two fingers to pop them in her mouth.

_“Shit,”_ Negan moaned. “Seriously, what’s going on darlin?”

“I just love you. So fucking much,” she said, licking the fingers, her eyes locked with his.

It finally clicked for Negan. He pulled his hand away from her mouth to wind his fingers into her hair. “What that piece of shit was trying to do her?” he whispered against her cheek.

“You stopped him from hurting her,” Evelyn whispered back, voice breaking with emotion.

“Bit of an understatement, don’t ya think?” Negan chuckled.

“You stopped him for hurting anyone ever again,” she growled.

“That’s more like it,” Negan kissed her as he walked back, pulling her along. A few cells down they reached an empty one. He broke away long enough to open the door and place Lucille in the hallway next to it. Evelyn’s breath caught in her throat, knowing the Saviors would walk by, see Lucille, hear them and know exactly what they’re doing.

The cell was cooler than the hallway. It was clean but empty, just four cement walls. One of which, Negan chose to push Evelyn against as he continued kissing her.

Negan broke away to close the door. A small window in the room afforded them enough light to see, but not enough ruin the macabre ambiance.

“How many others?” Evelyn asked breathlessly.

“How many what?” Negan replied, distracted by kissing down her neck, his hands groping her breasts and waist.

“How many men have you killed for that reason?”

Negan laughed, “Holy shit! Look at you, got a little future serial killer in ya too!”

She looked up at him questioningly. Negan leaned in, “That’s what I call Carl.”

Evelyn whimpered and gripped Negan’s tshirt tight, rubbing her body against him.

“Sorry to disappoint, but I don’t know how many fuckers I’ve wasted for trying to violate someone.”

“Guess,” Evelyn ordered.

“Alright,” Negan chuckled. “About 15 then.”

Evelyn reached down to undo his belt and open his pants. “Negan,” she moaned as she reached her target, pulling his dick out and stroking it,_ “Daddy.”_

Negan closed his eyes and placed his hand on the wall next to her to hold himself up. Evelyn let go of his cock to push him so his back was to the wall.

He opened his eyes and smiled down at her assertiveness. “You just tell me how you want me baby."

Evelyn dropped to kneel before him. She gripped his cock again, stroking and licking it. “Tell me more,” she said before slowly going down on him.

Negan laughed, winding his hand in her hair again, pulling it out of her face and off her neck. “Baby I’d fucking kill anyone if they so much as touched you and you didn’t want it,” Negan was breathing harder but he didn’t let it stop him from fulfilling her request. “I’d bash their skull in, you just give me the word, point me to the bastard. He won’t even have time to beg for mercy.”

Evelyn was visibly shaking but didn’t stop. Tears fell from the cock gagging her and the emotions Negan was evoking.

“Come here,” Negan pulled at her hair for her to stand up. She did so, wiping her chin and lips with the back of her hand. “I’m gonna fuck you. Right here, just a few feet from _ol’ Rapey Davey,_ you want that?”

“Yes Daddy, please,” Evelyn whined, feeling her core flutter in anticipation.

“Good girl,” Negan whispered, taking her chin between his fingers and kissing her. Negan switched their positions with Evelyn facing the wall, bracing both her hands and leaning over. Negan growled in approval as he reached around to unbutton her pants. He pulled them all the way down to her ankles, giving her more room to spread her legs.

“Fucking perfect,” he muttered, running his hand up her thigh, gripping her ass, and finally reaching down to her bush, feeling how wet she was.

Negan parted her lips and slid his spit-wet cock into her. He set the pace fast and hard. The slap of skin on skin, their panting and moaning was surely heard by Saviors doing their rounds. Negan slapped her ass, hard, “You hear those footsteps outside, slut? They all know my big dick is making your pussy gush. All those noises you’re making, like a bitch in heat. Fucking play with your clit,” she hastened to obey through the fog of sub-space Negan was pushing her in. “That’s it, I wanna feel that wet cunt squeeze my dick when you cum.”

A few more harsh slaps to her rear and Evelyn was cumming, groaning and crying out. “Fuck, fuck, Daddy, yes.”

Negan followed her soon after, cumming inside of her, “Shit baby, that was fucking fantastic. I needed that today.”

Evelyn nodded, slowly coming back to her normal state of mind. She felt wet and sticky but pulled her shorts up anyway.

Negan wiped his sweaty brow. The dimpled smile he flashed down at her was almost godly. “You gonna be ok? I have to get back to work,” he said, glancing at her watch.

“Yeah, of course… Thank you,” Evelyn wasn’t exactly sure what she was thanking him for, but it she truly meant it all the same.

“You’re so damn adorable,” then Negan leaned in close to kiss her. “Love you,” he murmured against her lips.

It was still hard for him to say the sentiment. So much was attached to it. But he meant it. God help him, he truly meant it.

“Love you too.”


	17. I’m filthy as charged, filthy as charged/You’re a sweet talker/But darlin’ whatcha gonna say now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Panic! At the Disco - [Dancing’s Not A Crime](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rODNMWBLZzY)
> 
> Recap of this time period in the show + my changes: 
> 
> > As Alexandria prepares for Negan’s arrival (because of a tip from Dwight), the Scavengers and Hilltop are notified that they are needed the next day to fight (they also send Judith and Penelope to Hilltop). The Scavengers have double-crossed them by telling Negan about the plan and agree to pretend they’re on Alexandria’s side until the right moment. 
> 
> > Meanwhile, Carol has convinced Ezekiel to fight the Saviors and they leave with a small group of soldiers. 
> 
> > Negan intends to use Sasha as leverage to avoid excessive bloodshed. Eugene requests to approach the Alexandrian’s first and Negan allows it. Rick is angered by Eugene’s betrayal and decides to blow him up along with the Sasha, Negan, and the Saviors. The Scavengers have already disarmed their explosives, thus revealing their double-cross. 
> 
> > When Negan decides to reveal Sasha, she has turned into a walker using Eugene’s poison pills to commit suicide. Eugene had made these for Tanya and Frankie to give to a miserable and hopeless Amber. However, he figures out that the wives want the pills for Negan. Instead, he gives the pills to Sasha, who pleads from her cell for an end to it all. When she agrees to work with Negan, Eugene believes she has changed her mind. But she takes the pills on the way to Alexandria in order to cause a distraction and (hopefully) kill Negan. The Alexandrian’s attack the Scavengers and Saviors during the surprise and confusion. 
> 
> S7, E16

When they approach Alexandria, Negan told his men over the walkie not to harm Rick or Carl. With the Scavengers on his side, Negan felt confident that his plan for the day would go smoothly.

Unfortunately, it went to shit.

_“Plan B it is!_ Get me the whole Grimes family, Simon!”

* * *

Carl hardly had a chance to fight back before he was disarmed and pulled away from the action by multiple Saviors. He was fuming with rage. At Negan. At the Scavengers. At everything.

The Saviors man-handling Carl forced him to his knees. Negan whistled and twirled Lucille as he approached him. Hips swaying and his overly confident smirk. To add insult to injury, he met Carl’s gaze and winked at him. Carl felt bile rise in his throat.

He didn’t know what Negan was waiting for. Gunshots and yelling were close by, but not near enough for them to be caught in the crossfire.

Soon, Jadis came into view with Rick limping in front of her. She pushed Rick down to kneel beside Carl.

Several more silent, anxious minutes passed before Carl saw Simon walking towards them, all but dragging a beaten and bloody Michonne along. Carl gasped, icy fear flooding his veins at the sight of her so broken and unable to defend herself.

Michonne was thrown to the ground next to them. She groaned in pain and slowly tilted up until she was kneeling alongside them. Every breath looked painful, indicating a broken rib along with her bruised and rapidly swelling face.

_“Oh Rick. This is just gonna make you sad. Broken, You’re gonna wish you were dead. I like having fun. I do. But maybe you think that the guy who did what he did to your friends wasn’t me. Like it was some sort of a put-on. Like I’m not the guy with the bat, I’m just the guy that makes your kid spaghetti. Oh, oh shit. Maybe this is on me. Maybe this is all on me. I gotta make it right. I guess I gotta start all over again._

“Now, I know how much this woman must mean to you, Rick. As Carl knows, I have a few women I care about too, and I would not want to see this happen to them.

_“Well, Rick, you chose this. I truly don’t know what more I could’ve done to warn you. And this isn’t a warning. This is punishment._

“I’m gonna kill Michonne now. I’m gonna make it a clean, hard swing, try to do it in one go because I respect that she is a mother-figure to Carl and he already had to watch one mother die, even helped her along with the process.”

Carl was numb, Michonne was going to die. He couldn’t hear the rest of Negan and Rick’s words. Just panicked static taking over his senses.

Then Negan raised his bat above Michonne’s head.

An animal roared. Noise exploded from every direction. Michonne was ok. Carl snapped out of it and dove towards a rifle to rejoin the fight. With the extra manpower from Ezekiel and Maggie, it took only a few minutes to run the Saviors out of Alexandria.

Carl lowered his weapon and looked around, quickly finding Rick crouched next to Michonne. Carl ran over and wrapped his arms around each of them. They returned the sentiment and Carl’s cheek became wet from tears of happiness that his family had made it out alive.

* * *

Later that night, the Kingdom and Hilltop soldiers were gathered together with everyone in Alexandria. Their deceased were buried, and their names added to the wall. Carl stayed with Michonne in the infirmary while Rick, Maggie, and Ezekiel addressed the group. Carl didn’t need to hear any motivating speeches to know and accept what was coming next.

Afterwards, Rick came by and told Carl to take a break and get some dinner. He promised Carl that the children taken to Hilltop would be brought back in the morning.

Carl ate his meal quietly with his head down. Someone approached him from his blindside, “Carl?”

He looked up and gasped, “Dean?!”

“In the flesh,” he said with a small smile.

“You came to fight? Are you ok?”

“Yeah, of course. I’d follow Ezekiel anywhere. I’m fine but…” he trailed off, looking down solemnly.

“Meg didn’t make it. I’m not surprised but still sad for her. She’s been reckless since Benjamin died, I think she had a death wish,” Dean said, cutting off quickly to keep from crying.

“I’m so sorry,” he responded.

“Thanks, Carl. Anyway, what’s done is done right? Just glad I talked my brother out of coming. He’s pissed but that’s better than being dead,” Dean shrugged.

Carl nodded.

“Mind if I sit with you?”

“Sure,” Carl said, scooting over so there was more room on the bench for Dean.

“I gotta tell you, underneath the nerves I had before getting here, I was kinda hoping to see you,” Dean said, blushing.

“I’m glad you’re here too,” Carl replied, feeling his cheeks heat up as well.

* * *

The pair talked while Carl finished his meal. He learned that Sam and Dean were from Kansas and had been in the area to look at colleges for Sam.

“I never went to college, my last year of high school I went to the technical school nearby. Eventually was able to work as an auto mechanic. Sammy was gonna be a lawyer but he was only 16 when the world went to shit. Didn’t even get to graduate high school. Way too young for all this to happen.”

Carl paused his chewing. It sounded like Dean thought he was a bit older than he really was. He contemplated telling him that he’d been 14 during the outbreak, but decided against it. He was flattered that he wasn’t looked at like he was a kid. Since he wasn’t very tall, people usually underestimated his age…

“Why didn’t you go back to Kansas?”

“Well, when we found the Kingdom we were in pretty rough shape. Sam and I needed to rest and get our strength back. We kept saying we’d leave, but it just never happened. Kept finding reasons to stay. Our mom died when Sammy was a baby, it was just us and our dad. It haunts me that we don’t know if he’s alive or dead, but what can we do? There’s no way of knowing if he’s on his way here, if we’ll travel right past each other somehow, or if he’s still at home, waiting for us,” Dean choked up a bit and took a deep breath. “There’s too many unknowns, it’s best if we stay put. Things are really good at the Kingdom. Sam has Ruby and they’re happy together.”

“Are you happy?” Carl asked.

“Sam’s my number one priority. Taking care of him is my job, always has been.”

“Yeah, I feel the same about my little sister. But you didn’t answer my question,” Carl pointed out.

“Alright, you caught me,” Dean chuckled. “If Sammy’s happy, I’m happy. But deep down, I know my dad always wanted me to ease up on taking care of Sam and live my own life. And since I’ll probably never know what happened to our dad, I guess the closest thing I’ll have to closure is by fulfilling his wish. I just… don’t know how.”

“It feels like, before all this, we were able to figure out who we are and what we’re going to do with our life. Now we just survive. But there’s gotta be _more_ afterwards, right?”

“I hope so,” Dean agreed, taking Carl’s hand under the table.

The small touch made Carl gasp lightly. He wasn’t expecting it.

“So you’ve seen my room, any chance I’ll get to see yours?” Dean asked, changing the subject.

“Umm, s-sure,” he stammered embarrassingly. He glanced around and saw no sign of Rick, who must still be with Michonne in the infirmary.

Carl continued to glance around as he walked Dean to his house. He wondered if anyone would notice. And if they did, would they think the two boys were just hanging out? Or would they know what they intended to do?

His worrying ceased when he opened the front door and Dean quickly wrapped his arms around his waist, pushing his body against Carl’s. His arms circled his smaller body and he could feel his broad chest against his shoulders. Dean brushed his hair to the side and leaned in and kissed down his neck, making Carl shiver.

“Dean,” Carl whispered, amazed at how good this felt.

“Mmm,” Dean hummed by his ear. “I’ve been thinking about you.”

Carl took Dean’s hand so he could lead them to his room. As they ascended the steps Carl glanced back at him, “What about me?”

Dean growled eagerly as they reached his room but stopped short at the doorway. Carl was confused for a moment, but then realized Dean was seeing his room, which looked completely normal, minus an actual bed.

Carl sighed. “Negan,” he explained simply.

“Shit man, that’s crazy.”

“Yeah, I know, but it’s still better than being _out there_,” Carl stated, worrying that this had killed the mood.

“True, guess we’ll just have to make the best of it, right?” he said, turning back to Carl and taking hold of his hand to lift it to his lips for a kiss.

Carl watched his perfect, full lips against his skin and instantly the mood was back.

“Have you done anything new since I’ve seen you?” Dean asked with a mischievous grin.

“I’ve,” Carl’s voiced cracked and he cleared his throat. “I’ve tasted my own cum to get used to it, like you said. But that’s it.”

“Fuck that’s hot Carl. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about your mouth.”

Carl blushed and looked away. Dean held his chin and rubbed his thumb across his lower lip. Carl gasped as he looked back up at his intense gaze on his own lips. This gave Dean the opportunity to push his thumb into his mouth. Carl instinctually closed his lips around the digit and flicked his tongue against it.

“Yes, those perfect fucking lips,” Dean hissed before removing his thumb and wrapping his hand around the back of his neck to pull Carl in for a kiss.

Dean’s lips felt just as amazing as Carl remembered. He pulled Dean closer and groaned into the kiss as their hips met. They both moved against each other, grinding their erections together.

But the more hot and heavy they became, the more awkward Carl felt, having realized how much activity they had both gone through that day. Dean, traveling all the way from the Kingdom to Alexandria. And Carl, also sweating all day from the battle, plus he still had blood on his clothes from Rick and Michonne.

Carl broke away when he couldn’t take his self-consciousness anymore. “Maybe we should shower first?”

Dean blinked at him and then laughed. “Damn, you’re right, we’re both a mess.”

“Alright, you wanna go first?”

Dean chuckled, “I think showering together is a much better idea.”

Carl quickly masked his surprise regarding this option. He had never heard of couples showering together but it did sound enjoyable.

They undressed in the bathroom, eyeing each other’s bodies. Dean was just as beautiful as Carl remembered, tan all over with freckles and strong, thick muscles.

After turning on the hot water, Carl froze._ His fucking eye bandage_. He had to take it off to shower. How could he possibly forget?

“I… umm…,” Carl struggled to find the right words. “I don’t know if this is a good idea. I forgot that I have to remove my bandage if I shower with you and… I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Carl looked down as he mumbled this, not wanting to see Dean’s expression.

“Carl, it’s ok, no one is perfect.”

Carl had to laugh and look back at him, “Are you kidding, Dean? You’re literally perfect.”

Dean shook his head, “That’s very sweet, but you’re being silly, it’s fine.”

“Dean, I… I was shot in the eye and it’s a miracle I survived. But it’s really disgusting and she had to remove… everything to save me. There’s no plastic surgery like we used to have.”

“Alright, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. So how about I just stay behind you? I honestly don’t mind, it’s a wonderful view,” Dean smirked, winking at him.

Carl cracked a smile too. “Ok, thanks Dean.” And with that, he turned back to the shower and adjusted the water temperature before removing his bandage. He knew Dean would still see quite a bit of the scar tissue, but at least he wouldn’t see the empty socket.

The first half of their shower was pretty standard. Carl washed his hair and scooted around Dean for his turn while he soaped up his body. Both of them were hard and Dean kept reaching out to caress his neck, shoulders, back, hips, and bum.

“Make sure you clean real good for me, Carl. I’m gonna rim your ass,” he leaned in and whispered on Carl’s good side.

Despite the hot water and steam, Carl shivered. He didn’t know what rimming was, but he really wanted to do it. Taking the hint, Carl added a bit more soap to his washcloth and reached around to clean his hole.

He heard Dean’s breath catch as he watched him, making Carl smile.

Carl moved around Dean to be under the water again and rinse his body off. Now Dean really couldn’t keep his hands to himself, caressing and gripping his ass cheeks. Then he slipped his thumbs near his hole to spread him before slotting his hard on between the globes.

_“Fuck,”_ they hissed at the same time.

Dean let go and gave his ass a wet smack, “I’ll hop out and wait in your room so you can get comfortable, ok?”

“Yeah, thanks Dean,” Carl replied. When Dean had dried off and left the bathroom, Carl turned the shower off. He tried to dry his hair off as much as he could before putting on a new bandage. He usually waited a while longer for it dry, but this would have to do.

He didn’t bother dressing as he went across the hall to his room, where Dean was laying tummy-down on the blanket he used for his bed. His round ass and muscled back were in full view.

“Wow,” Carl couldn’t help but say.

Dean turned his head and chuckled, “Right back at you.”

Carl scoffed, “Yeah, ok.”

“Seriously, Carl, you’re gorgeous. Come here,” Dean said, rolling to the side and displaying his hard, thick cock.

Carl obeyed and knelt by him on the blanket. Dean pulled him in for a kiss so Carl readjusted to also lay on his side facing him.

Dean reached around to grip his ass again. Carl moaned between kisses.

Their kisses became more heated, more intense. They pulled each other closer until their cocks lined up and slotted next to each other. Dean’s hand slid from his bum to his waist and back again before giving his ass a light spank, making him jump.

Dean broke the kiss and pushed their foreheads together, smiling, “Roll over for me, hands and knees.”

Carl untangled himself and rolled over, then pushed himself up as instructed. He was nervous but really wanted to do this… whatever they were doing.

Dean groaned appreciatively and spread Carl as he had in the shower, exposing his hole.

“Dean?” Carl started.

“Yeah?” he grunted out breathlessly.

“What is rimming?” Carl asked, face burning.

“Oh Carl, you’re gonna love it,” Dean responded, smirk evident in his voice.

With that, he leaned in and licked his hole with the flat of his tongue. Carl felt the faint 5 o’clock shadow on Dean’s chin across his balls. He felt the soft, wet pressure against his sensitive hole.

“Dean, _fuck_,” Carl cried out, overwhelmed with pleasure.

Dean licked him relentlessly, over his balls, taint, and back to his hole. With the flat of his tongue in slow, broad strokes. And with his tongue pointed, opening him up the smallest amount.

Carl tried to keep his hips still but couldn’t help pushing back when that tongue sent incredible pleasure straight to his rock hard cock.

“Touch yourself,” Dean breathed out against him.

“I can’t, I’ll cum,” Carl groaned.

“It’s ok, Carl.” _Lick_, “Wanna feel you cum.” _Lick_, “Your hole spasms when you cum.” _Lick_, “So fucking hot.”

Carl leaned on one hand and stroked his cock with the other. Dean pressed deeper than he’d been with his tongue and Carl was cumming all over his hand and blanket. Dean’s moans and gasps sent vibrations to his pulsing dick.

Dean gave his hole a kiss and sat up, both of them catching their breath. Carl turned around and wondered if it was ok for them to kiss.

Dean seemed to read his mind. “I’ll go clean up.”

“Yeah, ok,” Carl nodded. He really wanted to make Dean cum and his blanket was ruined. He didn’t want to make his last clean one dirty. Then he had an idea.

He gave Dean a couple minutes and when he heard the water turn off he slipped into the bathroom with him.

Dean jumped in surprise, “Carl wha-“

Before he could finish his question, Carl dropped to his knees in front of him and began stroking his cock, head back and looking him in the eye.

Dean’s breathing picked up quick and he threaded his fingers in Carl’s hair.

Like the first time, Carl was a bit intimidated but went for it anyway. He licked his length and the tip, tasting his precum.

Dean moaned above him, “Carl, yes.”

Carl felt braver than before so he gripped him at the base and popped the head in his mouth.

“Shit,” Dean cried out.

Carl slowly took more into his mouth, pulling up and pausing for breaths while he got used to it.

“Breathe through your nose,” Dean instructed. “That’s it, now lick the slit. _Fuck_, just like that.”

Dean offered his advice on how to make it easier on the giver and more pleasurable for the receiver. Carl appreciated this because he really wanted to do a good job.

“I’m getting close Carl, follow your mouth with your fist, up and down. Yes, god! Want me to cum in your mouth?”

Carl hummed in approval without stopping his rhythm. He gazed up at Dean’s beautiful body and face.

A few seconds later, Dean closed his eyes and tilted his head back, he was gripping Carl’s hair but didn’t pull him away.

The first pulse of cum hit Carl’s tongue and he shut his eye too, focusing on his task and taking in the moment. He had done this to Dean, made him feel so good.

When the amount of cum was too much, Carl leaned back and let the rest hit his lips and chin, quickly dripping down his neck and chest.

Dean’s legs shook and he all but collapsed to the floor. Carl made sure Dean had a chance to see his cum all over him.

“Damn Carl, you’re amazing,” he said, goofy, relaxed grin on his face.

Carl took the towel and cleaned himself up. They kissed lazily for a while before Dean reluctantly pulled back, “I better go, my people are staying in a house together, don’t want them to worry.”

“I understand,” Carl sighed. He felt extremely satisfied and bone tired now.

When Dean left, Carl spread out a fresh blanket and nearly fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.


	18. Tell me who to love, is it him or her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song title: In This Moment - [Natural Born Sinner](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9irdrSZ9Ys)
> 
> Alright here we are… This is how the story began in my head. I don’t know why it took 18 chapters to get here, but it’s been fun :) While I consider this the “climax,” it’s certainly not the end.
> 
> This is a long ass chapter... Nearly 8,000 words. 
> 
> S8, E1

The morning after Negan declared war, he sat Evelyn down to really talk about what they were going to do. The discussion became heated a few times, both were emotionally charged and choosing to be stubborn. Ultimately, they each made a few compromises and agreed on a plan for Evelyn to reunite with Penelope and tell Carl about her pregnancy.

Negan drove Evelyn within a mile of Alexandria. They didn’t want to part, but knew it wouldn’t be for too long. He gave her a sturdy blade and an ax but assured her that the area was largely cleared out.

She encountered one walker. It stumbled onto the main road ahead of her. Its ugly frame turned to her and the growling became louder as he shuffled quickly towards her.

Evelyn’s eyes darted around the trees, looking for more. None came, but she still wanted to shut him up ASAP before he attracted more.

She pulled out the blade and walked quickly to meet him. Negan had talked her through some strategies in the car. The walker limped heavily to his left side, so Evelyn ducked around its clawing hands to kick out his stronger leg. He fell to his knees and grabbed at her legs. Before he could pull her close enough to bite, Evelyn’s blade was jammed in his temple.

Evelyn breathed heavily as she kicked him away and the blade slipped free. She glanced around again and, seeing no movement, quickly picked up the pace to get to the safety of Alexandria.

Within a few minutes she could see the walls. As Negan had instructed, she took the blade in one hand and ax in the other, holding them up in surrender as she approached.

The man at the top of the wall spotted her quickly, “Who are you?”

“I’m from the Saviors, but I’m not one of them. My niece is Penelope, she’s been staying with you. Please just bring Carl out to meet me. I’ll explain everything, but I need to see him.”

The man called down and the gate was opened. Evelyn was disarmed with a gun trained on her.

Then she saw Carl walking towards them. It was impossible to miss his lanky frame and hat. He looked confused until their eyes met. Carl smiled so wide that it made her ache for him even more.

Carl jogged the last couple feet to hug her tight. “Oh my god, I’m so happy you’re here,” Carl whispered into her hair.

“Me too,” she replied earnestly.

Carl quickly turned the hug into a kiss, capturing her lips and pulling her close.

“W-wait,” she said, reluctantly pushing against him.

Carl’s face fell, “Why?”

“Just not here, in front of people,” she mumbled, looking around at the growing number of eyes on them.

Carl held her face more firmly, forcing her eyes back on him. “I don’t care, I can’t wait a second longer.”

He kissed her again and it felt exactly how Evelyn had remembered it, completely wonderful.

Despite how much she wanted to give in, as Carl had, Evelyn held back. She felt the collective shift in energy around them from curious to confused and concerned.

“Carl?” a male voice spoke out. Evelyn had re-watched the Alexandria interviews before she left. She knew, without a doubt, that the man who spoke was Rick Grimes.

Carl pulled away with a small smile, “Dad, this is Penelope’s aunt. Remember, I mentioned her?”

Rick walked closer to them and whispered so the people around couldn’t hear. “Yeah, you told me she was one of _Negan’s_ wives, but it doesn’t look like you told me the _whole_ truth,” he said eying the two of them with a raised brow.

Carl’s stomach sank. He had indeed neglected to tell Rick anything about his feelings or encounters…

“Ok, it’s a little more complicated than what I said. Sorry, Dad,” Carl mumbled, taking a step away from her.

“I’m Evelyn,” she said, holding out her hand for Rick.

He still looked skeptical but shook her hand anyway. “Rick Grimes. Come on, let’s go talk about this privately.”

Carl and Evelyn sat down at a long table in the church. Rick was joined by Aaron and Gabriel, who introduced themselves.

“Alright, tell us what’s going on. Why are you here and how did you get here?” Rick asked.

“Wait, I’ll explain everything, I promise. I just need to know where Penelope is.”

“She’s at another community with all our kids. They were supposed to be back today but we’ve asked them to wait until tomorrow. Our wall needs more repairs than I initially thought. She’s in good hands and safe,” Rick answered.

Evelyn looked to Carl for confirmation. “He’s right, my sister is there too,” he said.

She breathed out, not even realizing she’d been holding it in. “Ok, I’ll tell you everything.”

Evelyn explained where they were from and the family she and Penelope had lost. She explained how they found the Sanctuary and agreed to marry Negan for special treatment with her medication. She explained her heart condition.

By this point, Rick asked how old she was. She noticed Carl tilt his head to the side upon realizing he didn’t actually know her age.

Evelyn stuck with her lie of 19 years old. Negan would surely be seen as more of a monster than he already was if they knew the truth.

She explained that she was in Alexandria because she missed Penelope too much. And she didn’t regret sending her niece here, as the Sanctuary had less to offer a growing child.

Rick questioned her loyalty and pointed out that she could be a spy.

“My only loyalty is to my niece. I want what’s best for her. It’s true that Negan and I were close, but I decided that I wanted to be here instead. He was angry, but he doesn’t want anyone to be with him who doesn't want to be. So he let me go and… I can’t go back.”

This statement was true enough. Negan was aware that Evelyn would not exchange any inside information about the Sanctuary or Alexandria. The stakes were too high.

Rick nodded, “And where does my son fit into all of this?”

Carl blushed and groaned, “Dad,” with a few extra syllables.

Evelyn couldn’t help but blush too. “I don’t know. I feel a connection with Carl, but we’ve only known each other for a couple days…”

Rick looked to Gabriel and Aaron who both nodded.

“Ok, you can stay. But we’ll be keeping a close eye on you. Don’t take our trust for granted,” he said sternly.

Evelyn nodded, “Thank you, I promise I won’t. Where can I stay?”

“With us, of course,” Carl said, entwining his fingers with Evelyn’s. She allowed it but the rest of her body stiffened from the awkwardness in the room.

“Carl, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Aaron spoke for the first time.

Carl looked betrayed. “Why not? We’re not kids and Evelyn and I want to be together, right?” Carl turned to her for backup.

Evelyn glanced anxiously around, desperately wanting to answer this the right way. “Of course I do, Carl. But I don’t want to overstep here. I’m very grateful for any accommodations you see fit,” she said slowly, aiming most of her reply at Rick.

Rick seemed pleased but Carl was frustrated. He turned back to his dad, “Look, Penelope already lives with us. It’s her only home here, with Judith. I don’t see why we should separate anyone.”

Rick seemed to be at a loss for how to handle this, “Ok, she can stay with us for now, but there will be rules. We can discuss them later.”

Carl beamed at his father and jumped out of his seat, taking Evelyn with him.

* * *

Although Carl really wanted to bring Evelyn to his room, he composed himself and gave her a tour of Alexandria instead. They met a few other people and stopped to chat with them.

Time flew by and the sun began to set.

After a painfully awkward conversation between Carl and Rick, it was decided that Evelyn could sleep in Carl’s room with him, but on separate sides of the room with the door open. The fact that Evelyn _needed_ Carl to sleep a good distance away for his own safety was what convinced Rick.

Evelyn tested the leg of his dresser and decided it would work well for her needs. She laid out the blankets and pillows, inwardly cursing Negan for taking nearly all the mattresses…

Rick left to check on Michonne before turning in for the night.

As soon as the front door clicked shut, Carl was on Evelyn.

“I,” _kiss_, “didn’t” _kiss_, “know”, _kiss_, “when I’d,” _kiss_, “see you,” _kiss_, “again!”

Evelyn couldn’t help giggling against his lips. “I’m here now, Carl.”

“Yeah, you are,” he whispered, looking deeply in her eyes.

“We have to do something tonight, after your dad falls asleep. I wish I could explain more, but it’s important. We have to go outside Alexandria. Can you trust me?”

Carl looked at her in confusion. “Does this have something to do with Negan?”

“It does, but I’ll explain everything when we’re there, ok? I’m sorry I can’t say more about it now.”

Carl still looked skeptical but agreed.

They spent the next half hour throwing darts and chatting. When Rick came home, he said Michonne was doing better and reminded them to keep the door open. Carl blushed and nodded.

They laid down as if to sleep. Rick checked on them one more time before going to bed. It was incredibly boring waiting a couple hours to make sure he was asleep. Carl dozed off a bit, but Evelyn woke him up at 11:00pm to leave Alexandria.

Carl snuck her out the house and they climbed over the wall. He was very hesitant and reluctant, but couldn’t deny that he was also curious about what was so important.

The pair walked about half a mile down a back road until they reached a pickup truck. When they were within a few feet, Carl froze, eyeing the figure in the front seat.

“It’s ok,” Evelyn whispered, squeezing his hand.

Carl turned to her, confused, “What’s going on?”

The door creaked open and Negan stepped out.

“This is a _temporary_ truce, Carl, got it?”

Carl pulled his hand away from her and took a step back, “Are you insane? You almost killed Michonne! You are responsible for Abraham, Glenn, and Olivia. What you’ve done is unforgivable.”

“Look kid, I didn’t _want_ to kill Michonne, I swear. You know my reasons, and I know you don’t agree with them. Let’s just agree that I’m an asshole and we can go back to killing each other tomorrow, ok?”

“But I don’t want any killing! Not today, tomorrow, or any day! Why-“ Carl choked up, he felt betrayed by both of them. “You don’t have to do this, Negan. It doesn’t have to be this way.”

“I’m pregnant,” Evelyn blurted out to stop their meaningless argument. This is why they were all here.

Carl looked between Negan and Evelyn, very confused by the change of subject and surprised by the news. “Ok… Why did you bring me out here just to tell me that?”

Evelyn sighed, “When you and I were… together… you came in me. And Negan and I haven’t been careful about protection in months. There’s a fair chance for either of you to be the father and there’s no way for us to find out.”

Carl was silent for several moments. Evelyn shared a nervous look with Negan, who shrugged, unhelpfully. Evelyn rolled her eyes.

“But… when my mom was pregnant with Judith, she knew the father was Shane, not my dad. How can you not know?”

Negan was surprised by this knowledge about Judith and tucked it away for later.

“I… I don’t know how your mom knew. But between my last period and my missed period, I had sex with both of you. There’s nothing else to it really. I just… I needed you to know, Carl.”

“Why? Negan is your husband so you’re gonna raise the kid with him, right?” Carl said, clearly starting to panic.

“I don’t know, Carl. You two are at war with each other. Maybe we won’t all survive this and that will determine whether this baby is even born and who raises-“

Carl cut her off with a kiss.

When they broke away from each other, Carl whispered, “You and this baby aren’t going anywhere. I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

Evelyn smiled sadly, knowing he couldn’t keep such a promise, no one could. Not even Negan. But she appreciated the sentiment all the same and kissed him again.

Negan cleared his throat dramatically to get their attention. 

Evelyn and Carl jumped and broke away from each other. Negan thought Carl’s guilty expression was adorable.

“Looks like we’ve got quite an interesting love triangle here. How about we make things more interesting?” Negan let down the trunk and climbed into the truck bed. He pulled thick blankets and pillows out and laid them down.

“What do you mean?” Carl asked, looking back and forth between the two.

Evelyn bit her lip and looked down, “Negan and I thought you might like to be with both of us… together… at the same time… ya know?”

Carl blinked at her for a few seconds, “But Negan and I can’t… We’re enemies.”

“It’s not that simple with us. You know that Carl,” Negan chimed in.

Carl was annoyed by how true it was.

Evelyn climbed into the truck bed.

The pair looked to Carl, waiting for him to decide. Was he going to join them or not?

“This is weird,” Carl stated, shifting uneasily. All of his hidden fantasies played through his mind. He hated Negan but he wanted this _so bad_.

Evelyn had been scooting towards Negan. “Yeah, definitely weird,” she said before climbed on top of Negan, kissing him fiercely.

Carl couldn’t move. It was like the first time all over again. In Negan’s room as he got all of Evelyn’s attention and Carl just watched.

But then Evelyn was rocking her hips against Negan’s crotch and it looked like it felt so good. Carl threw caution to the wind (he already might have gotten a girl pregnant and he was colluding with the enemy just by being here, so what the hell?) and climbed up, closing the trunk securely behind him.

Evelyn whined happily when the truck dipped as Carl joined them and Negan chuckled.

Evelyn gave Negan a few more kisses before pulling away to make sure Carl didn’t feel excluded. She slipped off his lap and sat between Negan’s legs to pull Carl towards her for a kiss. Negan didn’t seem to mind, as he opened his pants to take his dick out and stroked it while he watched.

Carl broke the kiss, cheeks flaming with embarrassment as he whispered, “I still don’t really know what to do.”

“It’s ok, we have time to teach you now. It’ll be fun, Negan is great at this,” Evelyn winked and turned towards the older man, taking in the sight of his leaking cock.

Carl peaked around Evelyn to see too. He looked nervous and intimidated but definitely interested.

Evelyn shed her clothes quickly, both men looking a bit stunned by her speed. “What?” she asked once she was fully naked.

Negan laughed, “Nothing darlin, you’re beautiful, come here and sit back against Daddy.”

“Daddy?” Carl said, with a hint of disgust.

“Never mind,” Negan sighed, there was no sense in explaining kinks and fetishes to Carl right now. Besides, he had a naked woman to attend to. “Sit back against me baby, time for me to teach Carl a thing or two.”

Evelyn leaned back against Negan’s broad chest, leaning to the side a bit so Negan’s dick was still free. Evelyn spread her legs, bending them at the knee and hooking her feet around Negan’s legs, completely exposing herself to Carl.

Negan reached around, lightly petting her mound and running his fingers through her soft curls and around her lips. She whimpered at the light contact.

“First thing you gotta know, don’t _attack_ a woman’s beautiful pussy. Make her nice and comfortable with your touch, increase the pressure slowly. Now you try.”

Negan’s hand left her pussy and trailed up her stomach to her breasts, fondling them gently.

Carl knelt between their legs and reached a hesitant hand out to Evelyn’s folds, petting and rubbing like Negan had.

Evelyn moaned and shook from both men’s ministrations. She felt like she was falling apart, and they had just gotten started.

“That’s good, see how much she likes it?” Negan took her face in his hands and made her look at Carl. Her eyes round and pleading for more.

“Now take that damn bandage off and get comfortable kid,” Negan ordered, and continued to speak as Carl obeyed, taking off his hat, bandage, and flannel, “Before the world went to shit, women liked to shave and wax all of this off, it was a crime against nature. Nowadays, most women can’t be bothered with that. It’s definitely an improvement. Look at how soft and beautiful her curls are, and how her pink, wet pussy shows through. Christ, I could eat it up,” Negan gave his dick a few pulls before reaching back down to Evelyn’s mound, “And I have, many times,” Negan hummed in her ear, “But I guess I’ll leave that to you for tonight.”

“O-ok,” Carl said, then cleared his throat.

Negan parted her curls and spread her lips, both Carl and Evelyn gasped lightly.

“See this little nub up here?” Negan tapped her lightly with a finger, “This is her clit and women need it stimulated to cum, but you have to be gentle with this part. Now get down there so you can have a real _close_ look.”

Evelyn whined and thumped her knee against the truck. It was so hard to stay still, she just wanted them touching her, kissing her, _fucking_ her already.

Carl laid down on his stomach and slowly, much too slowly, bent his head to give her clit a few tentative licks.

“Fuuuuck, Carl,” Evelyn moaned, now clinging to Negan’s arms as he continued to spread her pussy for the younger man.

“Good boy,” Negan said admiringly, “Now try some different things and listen to her. Lick her up and down, side to side, in circles. Different pressures. Suck her clit into your mouth. Bite it gently, very gently.”

“Yes,” Evelyn cried out, “Please, please, _please!”_

Carl smiled, her enthusiasm making him feel more confident as he did just as Negan suggested.

“Christ, you like that baby? Look at him, going down on your slutty little clit.”

Just then, Carl sucked on her clit and moaned, sending vibrations to her core. Evelyn bit her lip to keep from screaming and thumped her head to the side against Negan’s chest, “Jesus can you hear him? He’s moaning just as much as you, darlin. That’s how good you taste. Kid, why don’t you go down lower, really taste how sweet she is.”

Carl’s eye flicked from Evelyn’s face to Negan’s before lifting his mouth away from her. Evelyn groaned unhappily. Carl took her thighs and gently pushed them up and wider. “Is this ok?” he asked innocently.

“Yes!” Evelyn whined desperately.

She felt his breaths against her core before he licked a broad stripe over her entrance. Carl savored the taste, taking a moment to turn and kiss along her thigh, feeling the scent and taste of her essence blissfully overwhelm him.

“Christ,” Negan whispered. He let go of her with one hand to stroke his cock and used the other to make a V with his fingers, keeping her open and spread for him to see everything.

Carl went back to her entrance, using the flat of his tongue to lick into her. Then he remembered how Dean had rimmed him, so Carl pointed his tongue inside, as deep as he could go.

Evelyn and Negan moaned in unison. Carl looked up and watched their reactions as he licked her all over, trying everything Negan had suggested and anything else he could think of.

Carl noticed her body tensing more when he steadily licked her clit. Her thighs shook and her breaths shortened. Her entrance quivered and Carl wanted to feel that around him again. For now, he reached up and pressed one finger in. Even though he pressed gently, his finger slipped effortlessly into the snug, wet heat.

This made Evelyn keen and whimper. Her grip on Negan’s arm tightened and her nails dug into this skin.

“Fuck,” he cursed, from arousal and a little pain, not that he was displeased with how well Carl was doing in taking Evelyn apart. “She’s getting close.”

And instead of helping Carl along, he released her pussy and slipped his fingers through Carl’s hair, gently pulling him away from her.

Evelyn gave a half sob, trying to reign in her frustration. This wasn’t all about her.

Carl looked at Negan in annoyance, which only made the older man laugh. “Sorry to interrupt, but I thought you might like it if I teach ya how make her squirt.”

Carl’s eye widened from the memory, back at the Sanctuary. After watching the camcorder and seeing her squirt, wildly thinking that maybe Negan could show him how. He nodded in agreement and sat up.

Negan kept his hand in Carl’s hair, running his fingers through and pushing it away from his face, away from his wound. “One of the great things about women, they can cum multiple times. Some guys can manage a couple orgasms when they’re your age, but we grow out of it. Women can have multiple orgasms at any age.”

“Then why’d you stop me?” Carl asked.

Negan chuckled, “Because it’s better to tease her. Women are much more satisfied after you’ve done a lot of foreplay before fucking them.”

Evelyn groaned, knowing it was true but still feeling desperate to get to the fucking.

Then Negan was pulling Carl closer. “And it’s not just foreplay with her pussy. You gotta make sure to kiss her, look into her eyes, tell her how much you want her, touch her all over…”

Negan trailed off as Carl and Evelyn kissed, still with Negan’s fingers running through his hair, keeping it from falling into his face and disrupting the kiss. Evelyn instinctively wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck to pull him closer. Carl made a muffled sound before finding his balance, gripping Negan’s thighs.

The three of them were connected, pressed against each other.

Negan held his breath, waiting to see what Carl would do. When he realizes he’s touching Negan, will he pull away, keep the older man in an “onlooker” role? Or will Carl give in to it and keep touching Negan?

Carl felt Negan’s calloused fingers trail along his arm. That’s when he realized he was gripping his thighs, albeit over his jeans.

He broke the kiss with Evelyn and trailed his lips to her cheek, looking past her at Negan.

They held each other’s gaze. Negan’s hazel eyes to Carl’s blue.

Carl finished a line of kisses to Evelyn’s ear, then switched to Negan. He met him in the middle over Evelyn’s shoulder for their kiss.

Evelyn suppressed a whimper, wanting so bad to watch but knowing she’d have a chance later. Right now, it was about Negan and Carl. Instead she worked on Carl’s belt and pants to start getting everyone undressed.

Carl’s hips rocked subconsciously against Evelyn’s hands. She could hear their kiss deepening with breathy gasps, slick lips and tongues.

When she reached in to wrap her hand around Carl’s dick and pull it out, he gasped and broke away from Negan.

He was met with Evelyn’s devious smile as she slowly stroked him, “What do you want, Carl? You gotta tell us. Negan and I have no limits here, whatever you can think of, whatever you want, we’re down. But we don’t want to push you, ok?”

“Y-yeah,” Carl managed. He didn’t know what to say. A million things crossed his mind.

“Start with Evelyn,” Negan suggested in a deep, low voice. “What do you want to do with her?”

“I want you to show me, like you said you would… how to make her squirt,” he finally got out, cheeks burning.

Negan chuckled and Evelyn threw a hand back to hit his chest lightly. “_Negan_,” she admonished.

“Sorry baby, he’s just so fucking adorable,” Negan said, still smiling wide.

“Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed Carl, it’s ok to want these things,” she said, letting go of his cock to tip his chin up and look her in the eye.

Carl gulped and nodded.

“Ok, is there anything else you want to do with me?”

“Well, you know I want to fuck you,” Carl said very fast.

Negan seemed to get a hold of himself this time, but just barely. He bit his lip, dimples popping, and he had to turn away from Carl to hold it together. It was too cute seeing him say those dirty things with that gorgeous, broken, and blushing face.

Evelyn smiled and traced her fingers around his face, pushing his hair aside. “Good, very good Carl. Now think about Negan. What do you want him to do or what do you want to see him doing?”

Carl blinked, his gaze flicking to Negan. He immediately began overthinking it.

“Hey,” Evelyn said gently, pulling his attention back to her. She sat up, away from Negan and knelt in front of Carl. Her hands gave his hips a squeeze before slipping up beneath his shirt, over his waist, ribs. Her small, soft hands felt so good. But so did large, calloused hands against his skin…

“I want Negan to… touch me,” he resolved.

Evelyn hummed her approval, hiking his shirt higher and leaning down to kiss up his neck to his ear. “Anything else?” she whispered.

Carl looked at Negan again, all amusement finally gone, replaced with hungry, lustful eyes.

“I, um, I don’t know,” Carl said, eyeing Negan’s large cock, still hanging hard and heavy from his open pants. It was intimidating. “I’ve experimented, I guess, since I was at the Sanctuary. With a guy. So I want to do… other things, just not _actual_ _sex_ with Negan. I... I'm not ready." 

Evelyn bit back a whine, focusing on what Carl wanted rather than trying to hear every erotic detail of what he’d been up to. “Ok, we won’t do that, no problem. Right, Negan?”

She turned with a glare when Negan didn’t answer right away. But the look on his face made her drop the attitude instantly.

Negan was pissed, his unfair, possessive nature had surfaced. Evelyn knew right away that Negan wanted what no one else had from Carl. He got off on taking, owning those firsts.

Carl sat back from where he was kneeling, putting another half a foot between him and Negan.

Evelyn rolled her eyes, but knew the damage control was easy. She turned around to face Negan, taking his face in her hands to break his glare from Carl. She ran her fingers through his hair and leaned in to whisper so Carl wouldn’t hear her, “Daddy, I bet if we make tonight real good for Carl, he’ll give it up to you next time. Wouldn’t you like that? He’s _your_ baby boy, ok? He just needs some time.”

Negan groaned, closing his eyes. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her body against his. Evelyn could feel his wet tip pressed against her stomach.

“Ok,” he mumbled against her neck.

Easy.

Evelyn turned back to Carl, who was looking at them confused. “It’s ok, we’ll do what you’re comfortable with, don’t worry,” she assured him.

She elbowed Negan’s ribs. “Yeah, of course,” he finally agreed.

Carl looked a bit skeptical but nodded anyway.

“Alright, move over so I can lay down,” Evelyn ordered, since Negan was propped against the window with the pillows.

“Bossy,” Negan mumbled affectionately. He sat up and took his shirt off, leaving him in his just his open jeans.

Evelyn moved the pillows and laid down with Carl and Negan beside her. Negan put two fingers to her mouth to wet to them. She happily did so, eyes locked on Carl, who was clearly nervous.

“Ready to see something special?” Negan asked Carl.

Carl couldn’t answer. Evelyn’s legs had fallen open while she suggestively sucked and licked Negan’s fingers. He nodded in response.

Negan removed his fingers and immediately plunged one, then two in her cunt.

Evelyn moaned in relief of finally having something filling her up.

“This looks rougher than it actually is,” Negan warned Carl, like a good teacher. “You just crook them up a bit, and instead of moving your fingers like you’re having sex, you move up and down with the _smallest_ movement in and out. Sometimes it helps to push her abdomen down against your fingers. I won’t do that now cuz I don’t want her to squirt yet, sound good?”

Carl nodded again, biting his lip.

“Mmm,” Negan groaned, temporarily distracted as he leaned over to kiss him, taking that bottom lip between his own teeth.

“Neeegan,” Evelyn whined.

“Alright, sorry,” Negan said, chuckling.

Finally, he was fingering her roughly, pushing against that spot. The pressure built quickly. Evelyn peaked at Carl and saw his adorable surprise for how rough it looked.

“Shit,” she groaned, squeezing her eyes shut and arching her back, wanting the pressure to build, build, build.

Then Negan pulled his fingers out.

Evelyn wanted Carl to do it too, but she still couldn’t stop the sob of being so close, again, only to have Negan deprive her of release.

“Your turn kid, take your shirt off, this could get messy,” he said, winking to him and moving closer to her head to give Carl room to reach her.

Carl glanced back at Negan’s toned, hairy, and tattooed torso. Negan was different than Dean, but both of them seemed incredibly more attractive than Carl felt about himself. He closed his eye and took a breath before pulling his shirt off.

When he opened his eye, Negan and Evelyn were staring at him. Carl immediately looked away in discomfort.

“You ok?” Evelyn asked, confused by Carl’s reaction.

“Yeah,” he breathed without much conviction.

Evelyn and Negan shared a look. “You still wanna do this?” Negan asked.

“Yes!” Carl said quickly, turning back to them. “It’s not that… I’m just feeling a little exposed right now,” he said, wrapping his thin arms around his stomach.

Negan rolled his eyes, clearly unable to understand what it feels like to be insecure.

Evelyn huffed at Negan’s insensitivity and raised her eyebrows to him.

“Fine,” Negan responded to her nonverbal communication. “Come here, Carl. We want you ok? You don’t have to doubt yourself.” Negan slung his arm around Carl’s neck and pulled him in to kiss.

Carl reluctantly participated at first, but then Negan was taking his wrist and pushing his arm out of the way to grab his hip. He pulled Carl closer and then they were skin to skin. Warm, flushed, and eager. Negan’s hand trailed up his waist and ribs, to his nipple, where he circled the bud and pinched lightly.

The effect was immediate, like Negan had pressed a ‘relax’ button. Carl sighed against his lips and all the tension left his shoulders. Negan took full advantage of this, thumbing over the other nipple, then running his fingers back down his body and straight into his rapidly tenting pants.

Carl turned so he could wrap his arms around Negan’s neck, encouraging him to turn as well so they were chest to chest, sort of. Negan had to duck down to reach Carl’s lips, their height difference as obvious kneeling as when they’re standing.

Evelyn happily watched the display in front of her. Their perfect lips moving against each others, their tongues sliding into the mix, Negan’s hands exploring his body, and Carl arching is back wantonly.

She gasped when Negan took his hand out of Carl’s jeans to open them and pull his cock out. Both men heard her but only Carl opened his eye to see her response. Negan pulled Carl’s hair to expose his neck so he could move his kisses down, letting Carl see how much they turned her on like this.

Evelyn was already circling her clit without realizing it.

“See what you’re doing to her, Carl? You’re so fucking sexy. And see what you’re doing to me?” Negan let go of Carl’s dick to guide his hand to his own.

Carl wrapped his hand around Negan’s cock and pulled up and down. He saw Evelyn’s gaze fixed on his movements, her eyes hooded with pleasure.

Then Negan sat up straight and pulled Carl’s hair away from his face, exposing his eye socket. Carl unconsciously stopped jerking him to focus on what he was going to do.

Negan kissed his forehead, then moved down to his scarred skin, kissing all around it, just like Evelyn had during their first time. But Evelyn hadn’t told Negan that. They just liked Carl the same way.

His kisses turned to licks. Carl couldn’t breathe. It felt gross but also like a soul-deep intimate act. He didn’t understand. A shiver ran through his body and he let out a mewl, unlike any sound he could remember making. Negan’s cock in his hand twitched with interest, reminding Carl to continue stroking him.

Negan leaned back and took Carl’s hand, bringing two fingers in his mouth to wet them. “Let’s get back to our girl now, shall we?”

Carl nodded, watching Negan lick his fingers the way he’d just licked his empty eye socket.

Negan let go of his wrist and let him take the lead, moving back to give Carl more room.

“You still wet, baby? Liked watching us?” Negan teased as Carl’s fingers ran down her slit and slipped into her wet, desperate hole.

“Fuck yes,” Evelyn moaned, happy to be filled again.

“Ok, just like I showed you, Carl. Take your time, get comfortable with it. I’ll tell you when you’ve reached the point where you have to keep going.”

Carl nodded again. He couldn’t think of any words to say. Feeling Evelyn around him again was heavenly. It wasn’t the same around his fingers as his cock, but the anticipation was almost just as pleasurable.

Carl moved his fingers in and out, getting used to the feeling. Then he crooked them like Negan had shown him and pushed up. He increased the pressure with each press and Evelyn moaned higher as he kept going.

Negan pet the hair off her face as she began writhing beneath them. He’d never seen a woman coming apart in front of him because of another man’s actions. It was undeniably thrilling for him.

“That’s it, Carl. When you’re ready, push harder and don’t stop until she squirts.”

Carl took a deep breath and withdrew his fingers to stretch them out and shake out his wrist. He returned them to the right spot and held onto the truck for leverage. Then he did exactly what Negan had shown him.

Evelyn was shaking apart and on the edge quickly. She tried to twist her hips but Negan caught her, pressing one hand firmly on her hip and the other against her pelvis and lower stomach. Carl could feel his fingers hitting Negan’s palm.

Evelyn moaned out, stifling it against her fist to keep her voice down. The squelching noises from Carl’s fingers became wetter and wetter. Then she was squirting all over his hand and forearm.

“Pull out,” Negan said quickly.

Carl obeyed and more of her cum sprayed him. When she was done, he lifted his drenched hand to see it in the moonlight. Negan grabbed his arm and pulled his soaked fingers into his mouth.

Evelyn whimpered and groaned, watching him lick a line of slick from Carl’s forearm, up his slender wrist and to the tip of his fingers.

“Taste her,” Negan ordered huskily, nodding to her dripping pussy.

Carl dove down between her legs and licked her up, mouthing along her folds and parting her wet curls to consume all of her.

Evelyn tried to twist away again from over stimulation. Carl stopped and glanced at Negan.

“She’s fine, keep going,” Negan said holding her forehead and pressing his hard dick against her lips. “Hold her down.”

Carl gripped her hips and continued licking her all over. His eye flicked up to see Evelyn’s mouth open, panting and whimpering with her tongue out, running along his length as Negan moved above her.

When her sounds became desperate from Carl’s tongue, Negan pulled his cock away.

“Stay there Carl, I want to make her squirt on your face,” Negan said with a devious grin.

Carl stopped eating her out to kiss her thighs. Negan easily reached across her body and fingered her just right.

“Close your eyes,” Negan grunted out, breathing heavy from exertion. Carl did so and instinctively opened his mouth with his tongue out.

“Jesus fuck,” Negan groaned, looking at Carl.

The moment she was cumming Negan pulled out and rubbed her clit with his soaked fingers. She squirted onto Carl’s tongue, face, and hair. Her body shook and curled in. Negan let go of her, so she could ride out the waves of her orgasm.

Instead, he turned his attention to Carl, running his fingers over his face, rubbing her slick into his skin and hair. Negan gripped the back of his head and pulling him up for more kisses and licks all over his face.

“Hottest thing I’ve ever fucking seen,” Negan growled, pulling Carl into his lap and devouring him.

Carl adjusted to straddle Negan, similar to their first kiss. But now both their hard dicks were out and rubbing against each other.

Negan pulled Carl’s hair and turned his head to the side. “Gotta clean you up,” Negan mumbled licking up a thick droplet that had dripped down his wound. His other fist found their cocks and stroked them together.

After only a few pulls Carl grabbed his wrist, trying to stop him. “Shit, wait, I’m gonna-“

Negan pulled away quickly, whistling low and chuckling, “Damn kid, so fucking hot.”

Evelyn found herself watching them again. Her body was shaking less as she came down from her orgasm, but she was still wired with arousal. Just watching Negan and Carl kissing would be plenty to get off on.

Just then she remembered what Negan said he wanted out of this.

“Negan,” she said softly. He immediately turned to her. “Come here, you’re turn to lay down.”

Negan smiled wide and clapped his hands together. “Shit, don’t have to tell me twice baby,” he said as he discarded the rest of his clothes and Evelyn got off the blankets.

“Goddamn, I should have gone with a mattress here,” Negan grumbled.

Evelyn rolled her eyes and pulled Carl closer by the hand. She kissed him hard and ran her fingers through his hair, damp from her cum and his sweat.

“Wanna help me?” she asked, nodding to Negan’s hard cock.

Carl blushed hard but nodded his head.

Negan spread his legs wide for Evelyn and Carl to fit between them. It was a tight fit, but they didn’t mind the closeness.

Evelyn went in first, licking up Negan’s cock, looking him in the eye, twirling her tongue around the head and across his slit.

She pulled away and let Carl try. Both Evelyn and Negan held their breath, somewhat in disbelief that this was really happening.

Carl repeated her actions and it nearly had Negan cumming too soon. He gripped the base and angled his cock for them to easily continue.

Evelyn went to one side and ran her tongue up and down. Then she gripped Carl’s head and brought him down on the other side. He quickly caught on.

Their tongues shared his dick, passing each other along the way and occasionally stopping at the top to kiss each other and dip the head of Negan’s cock in their mouths for only moment before popping off and doing it all over again.

Negan was losing it. Besides how he felt and what he was seeing, there was also what he heard. Evelyn and Carl’s breathy pants, whimpers, and giggles. The slick sound of their tongues on his dick and entwining with each other.

“That’s enough,” he finally ordered, sad that it had to end but more than ready for the next step. “Need to fuck you,” he said to Evelyn.

Both teens sat up and kissed some more. Negan watched, lazily stroking his cock.

“Christ, this is just how I imagined it,” Negan confessed.

Evelyn turned to him with a smile. She felt the same exact way.

Carl moved to the side and Evelyn straddled Negan’s hips. She gripped his aching cock and held it in place as she lowered herself until she was fully seated on him.

“Carl,” Evelyn groaned out. “Sit over Negan, facing me. He wants to rim you.”

Carl had no idea how Evelyn could know exactly what Negan wanted, unless they really had discussed this entire thing beforehand. Or maybe she just knew. Either way, it sounded like a fantastic idea.

He was hesitant to get into the right position so Negan grabbed his thighs impatiently, setting his knees on either side of his head and pulling him down onto his tongue.

Evelyn held his hips and began to move as Negan’s tongue worked across Carl’s quivering hole.

Carl and Evelyn's gaze locked onto each other. It was like they were both using Negan for their own pleasure which made the situation even more erotic than it already was.

They occasionally leaned in to kiss, uncoordinated and sloppy because of all the movement. But it felt more intimate that way, having the three of them connected.

Negan gripped Carl’s hip and pushed him up a few inches to push the pad of his thumb into his hole. He needed to catch his breath as his orgasm grew closer and closer.

Carl threw his head back when he felt the unyielding penetration of his finger. It felt so good and all he wanted was for Negan to go deeper.

A few more hard thrusts from Evelyn and Negan was cumming, Evelyn recognized the change in his breathing and moans. She was tired from the exertion and welcomed the break. She felt incredibly satisfied for bringing Negan to this deviant state of ecstasy.

Carl saw his opportunity to fuck Evelyn as well so he took it, climbing off Negan and pulling her off as well.

“Wait,” Negan panted. He sat up and pulled Evelyn in, exactly how they had started this with Evelyn’s back to his chest.

Carl knelt in front of her and leaned down to enter her. It felt different than the first time and he knew it was because she was sloppy wet from Negan’s cum.

He thrust into her, quickly chasing his own orgasm, knowing he wouldn’t last long.

Negan reached down and rubbed Evelyn’s clit. She cried out and moaned both their names over and over.

Suddenly her walls were gripping Carl tight and he couldn’t hold back.

“Evelyn, fuck,” Carl panted as he emptied inside of her.

The three of them lazily kissed and touched each other. Switching from one to the other and even kissing all at the same time. They laughed and whispered praises between satisfied moans.

The drying cum, slick, and sweat eventually became too unpleasant to ignore. They slowly pulled apart and cleaned up.

As Negan pulled his pants up he heard a walker’s shuffling through the leaves. He sighed and picked up his blade and waited for it to approach the truck.

Evelyn froze when she heard the vacant growling from the walker. Intellectually, she knew it was from the walker drawing near, but she couldn’t stop the mental image of Carl and Negan making those horrible noises with glassy eyes.

She thought it had gone so well, without any panic or racing thoughts, until then.

Negan easily stabbed it through the eye and pushed it away from the truck. Carl had hugged Evelyn close, confused by how scared she seemed.

“Baby it’s ok, Carl and I are fine, see?” He put one hand to his own chest and one to Carl’s chest. Her eyes flicked between them and back to wear the walker had stood.

“O-ok,” she whispered, calming down and focusing on the strong beating of their hearts.

“As much as I hate for tonight to end, we should all get back to where we need to be,” Negan said gruffly, pulling away and picking up his shirt.

“What happens now?” Carl asked him.

“I don’t know Carl,” Negan sighed. Of course he had his plan, and Negan was sure Carl had an idea of what Alexandria’s next move would be.

“One day at a time, I guess,” Evelyn suggested.

“Yeah,” Carl said solemnly.

“Carl, can you go out and wait for me? I just need a minute,” Evelyn asked.

Carl looked between Evelyn and Negan, now realizing that they needed to say goodbye, for an unknown amount of time apart.

When Carl hopped down and walked a couple feet away, Evelyn turned to Negan. He was so fucking sexy, hair disheveled, visibly more relaxed in this postcoital state.

“I’m gonna miss you,” she said, hugging him tight.

“The Sanctuary won’t be the same without you,” Negan whispered.

Evelyn nodded into his neck, taking in as much of his scent as she could.

“We’ll be together soon. All of us. Work on Carl for me, will ya? Despite the war, I still want this.”

“Ok, I’ll try. They really hate you though,” she said quietly.

“They don’t understand, and they never will. But Carl’s on the fence, I can see it.”

Evelyn nodded and kissed him, fighting back tears.

“Shit,” Negan said, pushing her away. He looked like he was on the verge of crying too.

“Be careful, ok?” Evelyn said with a final kiss.

“You too baby girl, I love you,” Negan said earnestly.

“Love you too,” she replied, hopping from the trunk.

Evelyn and Carl walked back, holding hands. When they snuck back inside the walls they risked a shower together, knowing that Rick could figure out they were both in there. But it felt right and that’s all they cared about for the moment.


	19. Some are loyal soldiers while these other thorns are rosy/And if you never know who you can trust then trust me, you’ll be lonely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song title: Panic! At the Disco - [Hey Look Ma, I Made It](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzbxacRr5Gk)
> 
> Can I just take a moment to put a time stamp on today in relation to this whole fanfic?
> 
> 1) I’ve been drawing inspiration from the newer episodes of TWD, prior to the mid-season premiere of season 10 (some fans may have noticed little Easter eggs throughout). But AFTER the mid-season premier, Negan’s character has gone downhill and I really hope they turn it around. I don’t want to spoil anything, so that’s all I’m gonna say and it’s got me real upset. However, JDM and Hilarie got married a few months ago, they post super feminist stuff about raising their kids, and it makes me so incredibly happy. 
> 
> 2) I don’t know anything about video games. I haven’t owned a game console of any kind in like, 15 years (I’m nearly 30), nor have I spent a significant amount of time with anyone who plays video games. But… I recently discovered Twitch, where Chandler Riggs streams a couple times a week. I’ve really enjoyed watching, and I made my username my actual name, so when I gift something, he thanks me by name, which makes me blush every damn time. Maybe this makes my life seem a little sad, but it’s generally the highlight of my day. 
> 
> 3) One more thing! I’m in the US and people are acting like COVID-19 is the zombie apocalypse. Kinda has me thinking about what it was like in the beginning for all TWD characters. I know _Fear_ went into that more, but it’s still an interesting concept to me. 
> 
> Onward… 
> 
> Still in S8, E1

The next morning Evelyn woke up late and confused about where she was. After a few moments her memory caught up and she remembered that this was Carl’s room. She was alone, Carl must already be awake.

Then she heard voices and giggles. From a child.

Evelyn shot up, realizing that the kids were back in Alexandria.

She ran downstairs and into the kitchen where Penelope sat with a blonde toddler who must be Judith.

Carl was sitting next to them and guiding Penelope in feeding Judith.

Penelope looked up and blinked at Evelyn, who was frozen at the entrance.

Then Penelope was crying and running to her. Evelyn picked her and cried too. She told she was sorry over and over…

* * *

Evelyn, Penelope, and Judith spent the rest of the day together. Penelope showed her their toys and the pictures they drew. Penelope walked her around Alexandria and pointed at the buildings she’d been in.

Rick informed them that Michonne would be returning home today. The kids went outside to play so Evelyn and Carl watched them from the porch.

This was their first time alone together since last night.

“Hey, are you ok? You seem, I don’t know, sad?” Evelyn asked.

“I feel… Well, I don’t want you to feel bad, but I’m feeling pretty guilty. I can’t look my dad in the eye. Not after what I did with… with Negan.”

“Do you regret it?” she asked fearfully.

“No,” Carl said quickly. “Or I don’t know, maybe? I just wish things were different. I wish Negan was different.”

Evelyn nodded, staying quiet.

“What do you see in him?” Carl asked suddenly.

Evelyn paused, considering him. “I can tell you, Carl. But I think a better question is; what do _you_ see in him.”

Carl groaned in frustration, “I don’t know, I feel really confused right now.”

Penelope and Judith had moved their imaginary game to the porch steps.

“Just think about it ok? Really think about your feelings toward Negan. I know it’s complicated, but-”

“_Neee_,” Penelope whispered to herself, like she was remembering him for the first time in a while.

Evelyn’s eyes widened, she looked at Carl and saw his surprised expression too. “Oh my god, that’s the first time she’s talked since she’s been here, isn’t it?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Carl confirmed, shaking his head in disbelief. Then he became angry, “Why is he like this? One minute he’s a decent person and the next he’s a monster.”

“I’m not going to stick up for him, ok? But, come on, it’s clear that every attack on Alexandria was justified. First the satellite outpost, then when he found out you all were conspiring with the Scavengers. He’s a leader trying to protect his people, just like your dad.”

Carl sat up straighter and said indignantly, “It’s not just that, he’s done other things, terrible things.”

“Like what?” Evelyn asked.

“It’s hard to pick just one!” Carl said, frustrated. “How about Oceanside? He killed every man in their village. And kids too, all boys over 12 years old, executed.”

Evelyn straightened up too, staring hard at him, “Carl, I need you to tell me everything.”

So he did, from the beginning.

Carl told her about Hilltop. A 16 year old boy was killed to make them cooperate. This was Rick’s main grievance for targeting the satellite outpost to take down Negan, before he knew how big his operation was.

But the atrocities continued.

Benjamin’s murder at the Kingdom, how there were plenty of unarmed Kingdom soldiers standing around, but a teenager was the one who got shot. And Olivia, murdered in cold blood by Arat. Negan wasn’t fazed, hardly blinked an eye. And Oceanside, what it was like to visit their village of women and children. Every single one of them had to watch a loved one being executed, all because of Negan.

Evelyn couldn’t breathe. This didn’t make sense. She _knows_ Negan. She’s seen his dedication to helping the Sanctuary residents survive. Why else would he have spent hours and hours learning how to create and maintain a new society? He’s smart enough to live on his own or with a small group of people he cares about. Why help other people? She knew there were a lot of his duties, as their leader, that he hated. But he did them anyway, because it’s necessary.

On the other hand, she’s also seen his disregard for human dignity. Letting the Saviors kill workers for minor infractions. Ironing Dwight and Mark. Essentially holding Sherry and Amber hostage. Killing Dr. Carson based on weak evidence he’d wronged him.

All those things had slowly built up after Evelyn and Penelope moved to the Sanctuary. Like the frog in the pot who doesn’t notice the water is boiling him death because the heat is turned up so slowly.

“No, this can’t all be true,” she finally said.

“Evelyn, it’s true, all of it. Hilltop, the Kingdom, Oceanside, Alexandria. Destruction follows him everywhere.”

Evelyn thought about the time Negan came back from Alexandria and discovered Sherry was missing. Then he was consoling Evelyn about Penelope being safe in Alexandria. But on the same trip, he’d let one of his Saviors kill an innocent woman?

“You said Arat killed… Um, what was her name?” she asked.

“Olivia, and yeah it was her. Negan was trying to get information out of us and he told Arat to shoot someone. I don’t know why she chose Olivia, but she did. And Negan did _not_ care.

The day after, Evelyn noticed bruising on Arat’s face. As a Savior, this wasn’t unusual, but maybe it wasn’t an accident...

“She was punished afterwards, I know she was,” Evelyn said quickly, thinking of the other examples. She knew Arat deserved worse, her rule infraction was more serious than most of the rule infractions by workers who were executed. It reminded Evelyn of the old military stories of rape and violence against women. Because they were in the military, the charges weren’t made public, they were never convicted, and the whole thing was swept under the rug. Negan was doing nearly the same thing.

“The other one was Hilltop right? But Negan has never been there, they didn’t even know what he looked like.”

Carl nodded slowly.

“Then it was Simon, he killed that 16 year old. I wouldn’t put it past him to lie to Negan.”

Carl blinked at her.

“And Gavin’s in charge of the Kingdom. He wouldn’t kill a teenager, someone else must have. I don’t know if they were punished or not, but I _know_ Gavin wouldn’t approve of it.”

“What about Oceanside?”

“I don’t know,” Evelyn whispered. “That’s much bigger than one murder. They disappeared from the Saviors afterwards, right?”

Carl nodded again.

“Negan would know they up and left, no one would be able to hide something that big. But I don’t know if he was there or if he knows what happened and who authorized it. I’d still bet on Simon, but I just don’t know.”

* * *

Shortly before dusk, Evelyn met Michonne. She was still pretty beat up. Rick carried her upstairs to their room while asking Carl to put the kids to bed.

Naturally, Carl agreed to help. Rick wasn’t really _asking_ Carl, he was _telling_ him. But when it came to his baby sister, Carl didn’t mind.

“They need a bath,” Evelyn pointed out. She could tell it had been a few days.

The rest of the night was spent taking care of Judith and Penelope. Carl and Evelyn made them dinner, cleaned up the kitchen, gave them a bath, dressed them, and stayed in their room until they fell asleep.

When they shut the door to the kids’ room, Evelyn asked, “Have you been taking care of them on your own like this?”

“Sometimes, but we have a few babysitters. Since we have to work on other things, we get a lot of help with the kids."

“Do they earn anything? For taking care of the kids?”

Carl thought for a moment. “No, we don’t do things like the Sanctuary. We work hard to survive by helping each other survive.”

“What if someone isn’t pulling their weight?”

“I don’t know, that hasn’t happened yet,” he said, shrugging.

Evelyn just nodded. She saw the benefit of Negan’s point system with people earning more for working harder. But he took it too far, with Tina and with Amber’s mom incapable of earning the amount of points needed for medicine…

She felt like Negan’s ideas and Carl’s compassion would create the best kind of leader. If only they could work together.

They took turns getting ready for bed. About ten minutes after laying down, Rick walked by to check on them. He opened the door next to theirs to check on the kids, and then he went back to his room.

Evelyn found herself feeling comforted by Carl’s breathing. It reminded her of Negan, sleeping on the couch near the bed… How she’d grown used to hearing him breathe as she fell asleep.

She was starting to drift off when Carl got up. She assumed he was going to the bathroom or down to the kitchen.

But then he was laying down next to her and wrapping his arms around her.

“What are you doing?” Evelyn whispered, as quietly as possible.

“I know I can’t stay here, I just… I always want to be near you, touching you,” he whispered against her ear.

Evelyn undid her restraint and carefully turned to her other side, facing Carl. “What about your dad?”

“Listen,” Carl said.

Evelyn tried to block him out to listen to the house. It was very quiet, no humming of electricity, no noise through the walls.

Except the faintest sound of snoring. Evelyn realized it was Rick.

Carl watched her face as she realized, then moved closer, wrapping her up.

“What about Michonne?” she asked against his chest.

“She’s still on pain meds. Not much, but I’m sure she’s asleep. We don’t have to do anything, can we just lay like this for a while?”

God, he was the sweetest.

Evelyn nodded against him and wiggled a bit to get comfortable and relax.

“I thought about what you said,” Carl said quietly. “About Negan. I still don’t understand it. For one, he’s so much older than anyone I’ve been with.”

Evelyn pulled back to look at him. “How could I forget to ask you! Who’s this other guy you’ve been with?” she asked, trying to keep whispering but excited to finally hear this story.

“Oh,” Carl said, chuckling. “I forgot that I told you two. There’s this guy, he lives at the Kingdom. I don’t know, I met him and it was right after the Sanctuary. I knew I wanted him, and luckily he wanted me back.”

“What’s his name? How old is he? You gotta tell me everything, _pleeeaaaase_. And take this damn thing off when it’s just us, ok?” Evelyn said, taking off his bandage and pushing her hips against Carl’s, making him hard.

Carl hissed at the sensation, biting his lip and nodding. “I don’t know, 21 or 22? His name’s Dean.”

Then he told her everything about their two times together. Evelyn tried to hold back, but still found her hand reaching into Carl’s shorts to stroke his length while he talked.

Carl was trying not to cum as he got to the end, telling her about when he followed Dean to the bathroom and got on his knees to give him a _real_ blow job.

Evelyn put her finger to her lips so Carl would pause. They both struggled to hear over their pounding heartbeat but managed to hear the snores.

She slowly and quietly moved down his body and pulled down his shorts enough to expose his cock.

“Keep going,” she whispered against the head.

“Fuck, ok I’ll try,” Carl said, whimpering. “He told me what to do, _shit_, how to make it feel _really_ good. He gripped my hair really tight and then he came, so fucking much. I pulled back and he kept cumming, on my face-“

If Carl had more to say, there’s no way he could have gotten another word out. Evelyn took his cock in her mouth and a few bobs had him cumming.

One of Carl’s hands covered his lips, keeping his mouth shut. He suppressed the sounds wanting to escape from the back of his throat. It wasn’t easy, but so worth it, as his twitching cock was consumed by the blissfully warm and wet heat.

Evelyn swallowed all of him down, then pulled his shorts back in place and crawled back up to him, kissing his neck and jaw as he calmed his breathing as silently as possible.

“What about you?” he asked.

Evelyn smiled against him, “I’m fine, maybe another time, when we have more privacy.”

“Ok,” Carl said, nuzzling into her hair.

“That was really hot though, wish I could have watched,” she said, giggling.

They were quiet for a long time, limbs entangled and pressed close to each other. The open window provided a breeze from the daytime heat. It was peaceful and perfect.

“We gotta talk about the baby tomorrow, ok?”

Carl stiffened. He completely forgot. So much happened that night. How could he forget something so important?

“You forgot?” Evelyn asked from his reaction.

“Yeah, fuck, I’m so sorry.”

Evelyn shrugged. “I told your dad I was here because I missed Penelope. And that’s true, so fucking true. But I would have stayed away longer. She’s safe here and all I do is add suspicion. But I… I had to tell you.”

“I still don’t get it. I mean, I understand that you don’t know if it’s mine or Negan’s. But I don’t get why you had to come here and tell me right away.”

Evelyn sighed and took a deep breath, “I wasn’t going to. At least not right away. Until our groups declared fucking war. Negan and I… we want _you_ to help end this. He cares about you, I care about you. He wants _us_ to be together, all of us.”

Carl couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He needed some space. He untangled and sat up next to Evelyn. Watching him to see his reaction, she sat up too.

“I can’t… Fuck, I can’t do that. No one can ever find out about me and Negan. _Ever_.”

Evelyn looked down. She wasn’t surprised, but it still hurt to hear Carl say it like that.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, taking her hands.

“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about Negan for a while. Let’s just focus on us, you and me,” she suggested.

Carl looked relieved, “Yeah ok.”

* * *

Over the next few days, Carl and Evelyn didn’t speak of Negan again.

Evelyn tried to avoid the preparations they were making to attack the Sanctuary, but it was impossible not to overhear the plans since she lived in their leaders’ household.

Otherwise, they were getting along well and learning more about each other. They stayed up late talking and cuddling often, but nothing sexual transpired again. They were both worn out every day from working and taking care of Judith and Penelope. Their routine felt eerily like a mom, dad, and kids’ family unit. When Evelyn remembered the big picture reality of their situation, her stomach dropped and whatever menial task she was doing felt overwhelming and inconsequential, all at the same time. If Carl felt the same way, he never mentioned it.

They discussed the baby, to an extent. Carl mentioned the medical equipment at Hilltop and suggested a trip there, after things calmed down. And, more importantly, after they told Rick and Michonne. Carl and Evelyn agreed not to tell them for a while, to wait and see how things played out. If things went south for Negan and the Sanctuary, they would say the baby is Carl’s. If things went south for Alexandria, well, it wouldn’t matter because Negan would be in charge and he would say whatever he wanted.

Carl and Evelyn hated the uncertainty of their plan. It felt horrible to make decisions based on who was still alive in a few months. Carl pointed out that maybe it won’t be who’s alive, necessarily, but who’s in charge. Evelyn wanted to see things optimistically too. Otherwise, Carl was ok with the situation. Even excited, at times. He loved the idea of a little sibling for Judith. Part of him felt too young, the part of him that knew he was only 16 years old. But another part of him knew that his age had little to do with his ability to care for an infant.

One afternoon, Evelyn ran into Daryl. They both stopped dead in their tracks. She knew Daryl was around and working with Carl to minimize civilian casualties in their upcoming plans. But she didn’t think about _seeing_ Daryl again.

After a few moments, they looked away from each other. To her surprise, Daryl strode towards her.

Evelyn was terrified of what he would say, but knew she had to face him. “Heard you were around,” he grunted in that same deep, southern voice.

“I-,” Evelyn began.

“No,” he cut her off quickly. “I know what you told Rick and the others, I know what’s _goin’_ on.”

He paused to let the words sink in. He meant her and Carl. She looked down instead of looking him in the eye.

“If you hurt him or anyone else here - If you’re here _for_ Negan, you’re gonna be sorry.”

Then he turned around and walked away.

Evelyn couldn’t blame him for being more suspicious. He’d seen a side of her that Rick, Michonne, and the others would never see. But she was relieved he didn’t demand to have her thrown in the cell.

* * *

Carl was nearby when Evelyn and Daryl had their exchange. As soon as he saw them next to each other, he remembered Negan’s words.

_‘We’ve given your friend Daryl a peak too.’_

How much did he see? How much did he know?

Carl wished he’d considered the situation more thoroughly when Evelyn arrived. He had stupidly proclaimed their ‘relationship’ without a second thought. Now he’d already been forced to tell Rick more about his time at the Sanctuary than he ever wanted to. He had to hear a painfully awkward sex talk (Rick knew the “open door” policy wasn’t going to stop two teenagers from finding a way to hook up). Which ended with him giving Carl a box of condoms… Little did he know it was far too late for that. Carl knew this would get back to Enid and he hated to think about how it would make her feel. And now, Daryl was here, with way more information about Evelyn’s past than Carl felt comfortable with.

* * *

“Hey,” Carl whispered after their usual amount of time waiting for Michonne and Rick to fall asleep.

Evelyn turned to him from across the room. “Yeah?”

“What did Daryl say to you earlier?”

Evelyn groaned, “Not to hurt you, not to betray you guys, or else…”

“I’m sorry,” Carl whispered back.

“No, he’s right. I don’t deserve how much trust your dad has given me.”

Carl shifted on his blankets and readjusted his pillow to buy time. “I know Negan pulled the same stunt with Daryl that he did with me,” he said, referring to Negan _inviting_ Carl to watch Evelyn give him a blow job.

Evelyn sat up quickly. “How do you know that?”

Carl also sat up, “Negan told me. He wanted me to tell him what I liked about that video... I guess, to convince me that you’d want to know, he mentioned how into it you were when he gave Daryl a ‘peak.’”

Evelyn buried her head in her hands, “This sucks, I don’t know what to say.”

“What did he see?”

“Do you really want to know?” she asked, looking up.

“I can’t stand not knowing, so yeah.”

“Well, he saw everything, I was completely undressed when Negan brought them in.”

“Them?”

“_Shit_. Yeah, him and Dwight,” she grumbled.

Carl swallowed, holding in a variety of emotions. “Ok, then what happened?”

“Not much after that. Negan kind of used me, like to represent how much better Daryl’s life would be if he gave up. Not that Daryl could be with _me_, but he could have his own woman, just sitting there, waiting for him to take her every day. That was pretty much it. Then he told them to leave.”

“So Negan didn’t do anything with you, in front of them?”

“No, he barely touched me.”

“And you liked it?”

Evelyn bit her lip and her brows furrowed in anxiety. But she nodded ‘yes’ honestly.

Carl didn’t know how to feel about this. It was weird to think that Daryl, someone he considered family, had seen his girlfriend (?) naked.

Just thinking this way about them, he had to ask, “Evelyn, what are we?”

She thought about it before answering. “Right now, we’re just… together, you know? But if someone else comes around, like Dean or whoever, you should do what you want with them. Don’t let me hold you back.”

Carl nodded, “And you?”

“I don’t know. Negan and I aren’t ‘broken up.’ We’re just not _together_ right now. I’m with you. I don’t know if that makes any sense,” she said, sighing.

Carl crawled across the room to Evelyn and pulled her down to cuddle. “Ok, I can agree to that right now. I know this isn’t going to be conventional for a while, if it ever is. But I don’t want to be without you. I want you to feel safe here, with me.”

“I do, I really like being with you, Carl.”

* * *

The next day, while Carl was working, Aaron approached him and asked to talk. Carl finished up his task and walked back to his and Eric’s house.

“I wanted to check in with you about what we talked about last week and Evelyn,” he said.

Carl knew Aaron meant their conversation where he ‘came out’ as bisexual. He groaned in discomfort. Was this going to be another sex talk? “Ok.”

“You two seem really close and I gotta say, I’m pretty surprised. Not that you need to answer to me about your dating choices, because you don’t. I just… I want to make sure you’re really thinking about this and you’re with her for the right reasons.”

Carl tilted his head, “What do you mean?”

Aaron looked down, “Well, I can see the appeal here. Possessions and people are very important to Negan. He’s taken from us, and now you’re taking from him.”

Carl blushed furiously, “It’s not like that. Evelyn… She doesn’t ‘belong’ to either of us. She’s going to pick the side that feels safest. You heard her in the church. She wasn’t lying. Negan let her go, she didn’t run away.”

“Ok, I believe you, don’t worry,” Aaron said to calm him down.

Carl nodded, still avoiding eye contact.

“Does she know what we talked about?”

Carl nodded again.

“And she’s ok with it?”

“Yeah, she was raised different. I don’t want to say too much, since it’s not my story to tell. But her parents were really open-minded and she’s a lot more accepting because of it.”

Aaron put a hand on his shoulder, “I’m glad to hear it, I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide who you are from someone you really care about.”

“Thanks Aaron,” Carl said with a stiff smile. It was uncomfortable, especially since Aaron had no idea the extent of Evelyn’s understanding, and encouraging, of his bisexuality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay safe out there folks <3


	20. So now go do the best things in life/Take a bite of this world while you can

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song title: Disturbed - [Hold on to Memories](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Q0sMOQvJuw)
> 
> Side note - This song makes me cry every time I hear it. It’s beautiful. 
> 
> I missed a fairly important part of the story in my last chapter. It’s been updated now. It only needed an extra 2 paragraphs. 
> 
> Never realized the extent to which this season jumps around the timeline… 
> 
> I try not to quote or describe whole sections of episodes, just parts that I really want to include a change. But I think the “script” below is really important in terms of Carl’s thought process right now. Hopefully it works. 
> 
> S8, E1-8

> _**Carl meets Saddiq while he and Rick have split up on a supply run. Carl is cautiously listening to Saddiq’s plea for help. He’s considering him when Rick jumps in, shooting at Saddiq, making him run away. Carl can only look at Rick in disgust and Rick is in disbelief over Carl’s reaction.** _

_R: I shot over his head, I just wanted him gone._

_C: He said that he was-_

_R: Yeah, I heard what he said. Most of it. But he could’ve been one of them._

_C: Like a spy?_

_R: I shot above his head. If he isn’t one of them, I hope he makes it._

_C: It’s not gonna be enough, Dad._

_R: Enough what?_

_C: Hope._

_ *-*-* _*-*-*_ _*-*-*__

_R: Hey, what does that mean?_

_C: What I said. You hope the guy makes it. That’s not enough. If you give a shit-_

_R: Carl._

_C: If you care, you do something. You don’t just hope. It takes more than that. That’s what I meant. There’s gotta be something after the fight’s over._

_R: Not for everyone._

_C: Ok, yeah, but what about for you? You’re gonna live, Dad. Why are we doing this? Why are we fighting them? So it isn’t like how they want it? With everyone working for them, everyone living for them? We’re fighting so it’s all of us working together for something more than just killing other people._

_R: Well, you think we’re gonna be out there, picking strawberries with Negan?_

_C: If that’s what it takes._

_R: *Scoffs shaking his head*_

_C: It’s more than just hope. What, are we just gonna kill all of them? Finding some way forward, that’s harder. That’s something more. Dad, that’s how it’s gotta be._

_ *-*-* _*-*-*_ _*-*-*__

> _ **Carl and Michonne watch Rick and the caravan leave Alexandria.** _

_C: I know you wanted to go with him. I did too._

_M: Everything hurts. But I’ll help you defend this place._

_C: Help me?_

_M: Oh yeah. This is your show._

_C: *Scoffs with a smile*_

_M: Ok. You’ll see._

* * *

“You should get some rest. I can come get you if any news comes in,” Carl said to Michonne.

“Ok, I’ll go lay down for a bit. But this place can run itself while we wait for news. You should take a break too,” she said, squeezing his shoulder before walking away.

Carl turned, watching her head towards their house. Then he saw Evelyn walking Penelope out of the church with a new book in her little hands. She ran ahead of her to show Judith.

He saw Michonne smile at them and nod to Evelyn before going inside.

“Hey,” Carl said, jogging up to them. “Barbara, do you mind watching both of them for a little bit?” he asked, holding Evelyn’s hand.

She agreed, since both kids were very easy to manage.

“Wanna go for a walk with me?” Carl asked.

“Sure,” Evelyn replied. She squeezed his hand tight before relaxing.

“You’re worried,” Carl commented as they walked down the street towards the back of the compound.

“Yeah, I just… I know Negan will be alright, one way or another. But I worry about everyone else. There’s a lot of people at the Sanctuary who don’t deserve this.”

“The plan will only hurt them if Negan allows it... But I’m just glad you’re here through all of it,” Carl said, letting go of her hand to wrap an arm around her waist.

“Me too,” Evelyn said. She had only heard snippets of the plan. A walker hoard. A new deal with the Scavengers. And a spy from the Sanctuary giving them key information. She didn’t know who it was, but she had no doubt in her mind that Negan was putting his trust in the wrong people, long before this spy turned on him.

Carl pulled her even closer and kissed her on the cheek, making Evelyn blush.

“I just had an idea,” Carl said.

“What is it?” she asked curiously.

“I’ll show you, but you’ll have to trust me.”

Evelyn looked at him with a devious smile, “Ok, I trust you.”

“Follow me,” Carl said leading her behind the row of houses. Evelyn was quickly turned around since Alexandria was still so new to her. She had no idea who lived in the houses or where they were headed.

Carl peered around the windows before crossing the backyards. A few houses down, he led her to a side door.

It was unlocked. They went down a few steps into a basement, then into a sparsely furnished bedroom. It had a lamp, bedside table, _and_ a queen-sized bed with a thin sheet draped over the mattress.

“A bed?” Evelyn asked in surprise. “Is anyone using this?”

“No,” Carl said, shaking his head and sitting down on it. “This is Aaron and Eric’s house, we discovered Negan and Saviors missed this one bed after they left.”

“Why…?” she began, but realized it would be unfair for anyone to be given this mattress over someone else.

“Aaron and Eric don’t want to use it if no one else can have a bed,” he said softly, putting his hand on her knee.

“They seem like really good people,” she commented, but she was becoming distracted by Carl’s intentions. The sexual tension had been building between them with each passing night.

“The best,” Carl said before closing the distance with a kiss.

The kiss now felt familiar. They knew each other’s lips, skin, and scent. Evelyn marveled at how _close_ they felt after living together for only a week.

Before they could get lost in the moment, Evelyn pulled back. “Wait, what if someone needs you?”

Carl looked uneasy, his gaze shifting away. “We shouldn’t stay down here all day, but we can take an hour to ourselves.”

“You sure?” she asked, concerned that he didn’t seem very confident about this. “When they come back with news, everything could be different.”

He looked back at her, then took off his hat and bandage, placing them on the bedside table. “I’m sure. It won’t help if we just sit here and worry,” he said, setting an alarm on his watch. “There, now we won’t lose track of time. It’s just… We’re alone now and the girls are safe with the babysitter so...”

“Makes us sound like parents,” Evelyn giggled, blushing.

“Well, I guess we are, right?” Carl said, a tentative hand skating across her stomach.

Evelyn’s breath hitched. Carl hadn’t _claimed_ the baby as his before.

It was just as arousing to hear Carl talk like that as Negan.

“Right,” she agreed, then went back to kissing him. Evelyn pulled at his overshirt, ready to have no barriers between them.

Carl helped pull it off, then tugged the hem of her shirt. They made quick work of the rest of their clothes. Evelyn laid down on her back, wishing they some pillows to make this more comfortable. But the soft mattress was still a luxury by itself.

Carl took the empty space between her legs, pushing her thighs apart.

“I’ve been dreaming about this,” he commented, leaning down to part her slit with his fingers.

“Really?” she asked breathlessly.

“Yeah, just want to taste you so bad,” his lips ghosted over her core. Evelyn sat up on her elbows to watch him, but his plump, pink lips never made contact with where she wanted it most. He kissed her thighs, hip, lower stomach, but he kept her spread open and untouched.

“Fuck, Carl,” she whined in frustration.

Carl’s wicked smile was worth the teasing though. He had gained so much confidence with her constant reassuring that there was no bad part of him, no unattractive part of him.

He took it a step further, chuckling right against her core. The puffs of air did little to relieve the ache she felt deep inside. Then he looked her in the eye and hovered his tongue right over her clit. She tried to buck into him, but he held her down. When had he gripped her hips so tight?

Evelyn cried out in frustration, flopping on the bed and throwing her head back. It was dramatic, but she hadn’t been touched in over a week. Not since they were with Negan.

She expected him to give in, to feel the warm, wet pressure of his lips and tongue.

She did not expect Carl to be above her. His cock resting on her stomach and his arms bracketing her head.

Evelyn gasped at the sudden movement, which Carl took advantage of, kissing her fiercely, pushing his tongue in her mouth. Dominating her.

She closed her eyes and relaxed against him, wanting Carl to ride this energy as far as he would take it.

Carl felt the shift and knew that she wanted him to be in charge. Evelyn trusted him and wanted him, whatever he was willing to give.

He took her breast in one hand and dug his fingers in the soft skin. She moaned against his lips, enjoying the sting of pain. Carl adjusted his grip and scraped his nails into her skin as well.

Her arousal was addicting and Carl found himself rubbing his dick across her stomach.

“Please, please,” she whispered to him.

Carl kissed and bit down her neck and across her collarbone. The harder he bit the louder she moaned.

“I’m gonna fuck you,” he whispered against her ear.

“Yes, yes, please Carl, please fuck me,” she begged eagerly.

Carl leaned back and lined himself up and pushed in, but immediately pulled out to tease her more.

Evelyn bit down hard on her bottom lip, trying not to whine again.

Carl saw her anguish and chuckled again. Evelyn couldn’t deny that she liked this darker side to him, even if it was currently frustrating.

When he entered her again, he blissfully pushed all the way in. They panted against each other until he just went for it, thrusting in and out with as much force as he could muster.

They moaned each other’s names and yes, yes, yes. Carl felt the difference from their time with Negan. Without Negan’s larger cock to open her up, it felt like a tight suction. And when he leaned back to thumb at her clit, she became even tighter.

Evelyn managed to sit up on her elbows again. It wasn’t easy with the pleasure overtaking her, but there was still something she wanted…

“Come here,” she gasped out. Carl tilted his head to the side, then leaned closer to kiss her, focusing on only moving his hips to thrust.

She kissed him back but then grabbed his head with one arm, pulling him down until she had to put the arm back down for balance. It was enough to get Carl right where she wanted him, with his eye socket right in front of her to kiss and lick.

Carl didn’t have a chance to stop himself, he came as soon as he registered what she was doing. “Evelyn,” he groaned out, trembling all over.

With his hips still and softening cock inside her, Evelyn rubbed her clit, continuing to kiss the rough scar tissue, but also planting kisses along his red cheeks, freckled nose, and panting lips.

Carl suddenly grabbed her throat, stopping her kisses and taking her breath away.

She immediately came, eyes rolling back, and leaning into his grip, a strangled moan breaking through.

Evelyn’s whole body gave out and she relaxed on the bed once more.

Carl slowly pulled out, watching the sticky mess drip out of her. On instinct, he laid down and lapped at her entrance and over her clit, finally tasting her alongside his own cum.

“Fuck, wow,” she laughed, catching her breath.

“Good?” Carl said with a cocky grin.

She looked at him and, in that moment, he reminded her so much of Negan. The confidence, the expressive and intense look in his eye, and he held her exactly as Negan did when he licked his own cum out of her.

“Yeah,” she whispered, pulling him up to cuddle.

Evelyn laid against his chest and traced patterns into his skin. He put one arm around her and the other behind his head.

“Hey I, um,” Carl began after several minutes, clearing his throat. “I love you.”

She took a breath, amazed by what she was hearing. It felt too good to be true.

“I love you too, Carl.”

He let out a relieved sigh.

“If everything works out ok, I’ll work with Negan. I’ve had some time to think about it. And I think finding a way forward is the most important thing right now." 

Evelyn kissed his chest, then up his neck, and across his jaw to his lips.

“Thank you,” she whispered.


	21. Hold the gun up to my head, I’ll pull the trigger on myself/…/This Hell is where I'm from and this Hell is where I'll stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song title: HELLYEAH - [Hush](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6ZScBMwmmQ)
> 
> Recap of this time period in the show + my changes: 
> 
> > Alexandria, Hilltop, and the Kingdom go to the Sanctuary for their attack. Rick gives them a chance to surrender, with the condition that Negan is given up for execution. No one surrenders, so they attack. They’ve led a hoard of walkers to the Sanctuary to keep them trapped. 
> 
> > After their retreat, Alexandria, Hilltop, and the Kingdom split up to take down larger groups of Saviors outside the Sanctuary. Rick kills a man who, he later discovers, has an infant named Gracie. Eric has died by this point, so a grieving Aaron finds comfort from the baby’s innocence. He volunteers to take Gracie back to Hilltop. 
> 
> > Rick goes to the Scavengers to strike up another deal.
> 
> > A small group of Alexandrians decide to deviate from the plan in order to speed up Negan’s surrender. They drive a dump truck through a wall of the Sanctuary, allowing walkers inside. Sometime afterwards, the Saviors manage to devise a plan to escape. They split into groups - Simon stops most of Hilltop on a road, Gavin to the Kingdom, and (of course) Negan to Alexandria. When Rick arrives at the Sanctuary with the Scavengers, he realizes they’ve escaped and heads straight to Alexandria. 
> 
> I think that’s everything pertinent here. I don’t need to reiterate what happens with Carl and Saddiq, right? Sorry everyone, it happens in this story exactly as it does in the show :( The chapter title kinda gives it away anyway. 
> 
> There’s even more quoting from the show in this chapter (at least, it feels that way to me). I know some people don’t like that, sorry! But Chandler Riggs and JDM nailed these scenes. It doesn’t feel right not including them.
> 
> S8, E5-9

> _ **Negan and Gabriel become trapped in a trailer by a hoard of walkers. Negan decides to wait and see if his men will figure out where he is and try to save them. In the meantime, they have nothing to do but talk.** _

_G: Why are you weak?_

_N: That’s the wrong question. It is how I am weak. You see, the thing is, I am also strong. Everyone is a mix. You can use your weaknesses to drive your strength. And, obviously, I am strong as shit. I took this place, and it was a damn free for all, a loose confederation of assholes, an army made up of gangs of animals, and I brought it all together. The last guy that was in charge, he wasn’t in charge of shit. He allowed people to be weak. I don’t. I make them strong, which makes this world strong._

_ *-*-* _*-*-*_ _*-*-*__

_G: Forgiveness… costs you nothing more than saying the truth out loud. You don’t think you have anything to confess? People you’ve killed?_

_N: I haven’t killed anyone who didn’t need it._

_G: The workers you treat like slaves?_

_N: It’s an economy. Some people win, some people lose, but no one’s a slave, no one’s goin’ hungry, and you couldn’t say that before all this._

_G: Carl told us about your wives. The women you pressure into marrying you?_

_N: *Turns away, angry* Every one of those ladies made the choice._

_G: Was there a first? One before all of this? A wife you promised to have and to hold, forsaking all others? One you told that lie to?_

_ *-*-* _*-*-*_ _*-*-*__

_N: My first wife was a real wife. My only real wife. Til death did us part. It was before this. I lied to her, I screwed around on her, and she was sick. And when she went… When she went it was during this. I couldn’t put her down. That is how I was weak. That is what I will confess. Because, yeah, maybe we do bite the big one here._

* * *

Carl carefully cleaned the walker bite on his abdomen while showering off the blood and sweat from his body. But he knew that no amount of soap and water would help.

Carl realized this would be his last shower. All those months on the road without showers had been miserable. Carl remembered arriving at the CDC. How good it felt to take a hot shower when none of them believed they’d ever have the luxury again. Living in Alexandria made showers feel commonplace, but he still felt appreciation every single time.

Carl was sure he would have wasted more clean, hot water if he hadn’t taken all those times to really soak in how lucky he was to feel the warm, relaxing water and the refreshing cleanliness afterwards.

Carl got out and dried off. The bite was slowly bleeding and oozing. He was setting out the supplies to bandage it up when he heard footsteps and soft voices down the hall. He immediately recognized it to be Evelyn talking to one of the girls.

He took a deep breath, then threw his clean clothes on.

“Evelyn,” he called out, poking his head out of the bathroom.

“Yeah?” she replied, coming out of the girls’ room.

“Um, come here a second,” Carl took the few steps to reach her and took her hand, pulling her into the bathroom.

Evelyn raised an eyebrow at him. “What’s going on?” she asked slowly.

“Evelyn,” he began, but couldn’t find any words to explain what had happened, so he pulled his shirt up enough for her to see the bite. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Evelyn stared in shock. “No no no,” she whispered. “That’s not-“

“It is. I’m sorry,” he said again.

Evelyn looked close to fainting, so Carl guided her to sit on the closed toilet seat. He didn’t know what to do to help her, so he bandaged his abdomen and eye, combed his hair, then knelt next to her.

When she still didn’t move or look at him, Carl took her hand and stood up, leading her to their bedroom.

“I don’t know what to say,” Carl admitted. “Just don’t tell anyone, ok? I’m not ready yet.”

Evelyn nodded, then pulled him in for a hug and began crying.

“Shh,” Carl soothed, both to comfort her and to keep anyone else in the house from hearing her distress.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” she sobbed.

“I know, I’m so sorry Evelyn,” Carl felt the tug of tears but blinked them away. He wasn’t ready to be sad. He just wanted to feel all the things he loved once more. He knew he had a little time, but not much.

Carl wiped away some of her tears. “I need to be alone for a bit with Michonne and Judith. Can we meet up after lunch?” Carl glanced at the clock, it was only 9:30am.

Evelyn nodded, but didn’t fully understand what was happening or what Carl had said.

“Ok, I’m gonna go now. Will you be alright?”

It seemed like such a silly thing to ask. Of course Evelyn was alright, she wasn’t actively dying. But she nodded silently again, not knowing what else to do.

When Carl left, she gathered Penelope to leave the house. She didn’t know where to go, but she knew she needed space to process.

The minutes dragged on for Evelyn, she felt heartbroken.

Lunchtime finally came and went. They noticed Judith with Michonne, which prompted Penelope to join them right away.

“Have you seen Carl?” Evelyn asked her.

“I saw him in the garden a couple minutes ago. I just got back,” she replied.

Evelyn concluded from her normal expression that Carl hadn’t talked to her. Or if he had, he hadn’t told her what happened.

“Ok,” Evelyn said, looking toward their house.

“I’ll take them to the church for story time,” Michonne offered, nodding to Penelope.

“That would be great, thanks,” Evelyn said, sighing in relief. She watched them go, waving to both girls.

She quickly walked to the house and found Carl in the kitchen staring at a stack of envelopes.

“What are you doing?” Evelyn asked.

“I um… wrote letters to everyone…” Carl said, showing her the envelopes. “Michonne just got back, but I don’t know if my dad will.”

Evelyn stood beside him and read each envelope:_ Dad. Michonne. Judith. Negan. Evelyn._

“Who’s this one for?” Evelyn asked, separating an envelope with no name on it.

“It’s for the baby,” Carl whispered. After he said it, Evelyn realized how obvious that was.

“Oh… What did you write?”

“You can read it… afterwards, maybe? I can’t talk about it. It was so hard to write, I can’t go through it again.”

Evelyn nodded solemnly.

“You should write the name. It doesn’t feel right having it blank like this,” Evelyn said, handing him the envelope back.

“But we don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl. And shouldn’t Negan be involved in picking the name? He’s the one who’s gonna raise-“

Carl broke off to keep a sob from escaping. He had to keep his composure.

“Negan won’t care, but _I care_. I want us to name the baby so you can write their name on this envelope, ok?” she said.

“Ok,” Carl replied.

Then they just stared at each other, at a loss for how to start.

“Well,” Carl said after a while, “What’s your full name?”

“Evelyn Diane Rigsby-Arnette.”

“Two last names?”

“Yeah, my mom always said that she didn’t take my dad’s last name when they married because she worked too hard on her degrees for the name to be different. So they gave me and my brother both of their last names.”

“Carl Scott Grimes,” he said, then held out his hand, as if they were meeting for the first time, again.

Evelyn smiled and humored him, shaking his hand.

“How did your parents pick Judith’s name?”

“Well, they didn’t,” Carl said, looking out the window as he explained. “When my mom was pregnant with Judith, my best friend died. She was about the same age as me and we’d been together since the outbreak. Her name was Sophia. It was devastating when she died, and I wanted to name the baby Sophia. But then so much happened… Other people that we cared about and who protected us were dead. It felt impossible to pick someone to honor, but the name ‘Sophia’ was still important to me. Then I remembered my favorite teacher and the memory felt so _pure_ compared to everything and everyone else. It felt right, so I named her Judith Sophia Grimes.”

“Your parents let you pick the name?”

“My mom… um,” Carl choked up again, but took a deep breath. “She died during childbirth and they hadn’t chosen a name yet. Then it was just me and my dad, so he let me pick.”

Fear flashed across Evelyn’s face, suddenly realizing that she could die in childbirth.

Carl read her mind, “No no, Evelyn don’t worry. My mom didn’t have a doctor, she was nearly 40 years old, _and_ she had a c-section with me. If she’d given birth naturally the first time, she may have had a better chance of surviving, I think. That’s what Maggie told me. And an actual doctor could have performed a c-section that didn’t kill her.”

“She didn’t have a doctor?” Evelyn whispered, horrified.

“No, it was… It was a disaster.”

They were quiet for a few minutes, letting the information sink in.

“Is there anyone you want to name the baby after?” Carl asked.

“Not really, I think the reminder would be too painful. I want a brand-new name,” she decided.

“What about a last name?” Carl asked.

“Oh god, I have no idea. And I don’t think last names matter anymore… Let’s just focus on the first name, ok?”

“What’s Negan’s last name?” Carl asked, clearly not dropping the subject.

“Carl, I don’t even know if ‘Negan’ is _any_ part of his _actual_ name,” Evelyn replied, rolling her eyes.

“Really? He’s so weird.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. Can we please _not_ talk about him right now?” Evelyn asked, eyes pleading with him as she reached over to hold his hands.

“Ok, yeah, sorry,” Carl mumbled. “Let’s go upstairs. Any ideas?”

As they climbed the steps Evelyn replied, “Well, it has to be unisex or a boy name that would be good for either gender.”

Carl hummed thoughtfully, as they sat on the floor in their room under the window. “I knew a few girls in school who had boy names… Ryan and Sawyer… Jordan and Tyler… And I knew a girl who went by Alex, I think her name was Alexis.”

Evelyn nodded, “Yeah, my grade had a boy Taylor and a girl Taylor.”

“Hmmm, there’s gotta be a baby name book around here,” Carl suggested.

Evelyn squeezed his hand tightly, “I don’t want us to waste time looking.”

“Well, we’re not getting very far on our own. Just hang tight, I’ll only search a couple houses and be right back.”

Evelyn reluctantly let go, but Carl was true to his word and returned within a few minutes.

“The house right across the street had one,” he said as he sat back down next to Evelyn. “Did you think of any while I was gone?”

“A few. Did they ask why you wanted the book?”

“No, they weren’t home, I just went in and checked their bookshelf,” Carl said, chuckling.

The pair sat hip to hip and flipped through the male half of the book. They pointed out names they liked or hated. They told stories about people they knew with the names. They made mental notes of the names they both liked… Avery, Chandler, Dakota, George, Quentin… For the next 20 minutes they forgot about Carl’s impending death. They were just together and it was special, beautiful.

“We’re getting closer to the end of the alphabet, Evelyn,” Carl pointed out.

“Yeah, yeah I know,” she giggled. Carl turned the page and Evelyn gasped.

“What?” Carl asked.

“Rowan,” Evelyn whispered.

“Hmm,” Carl said, pulling the book closer to read it. “Rowan is Gaelic and means ‘little red head.’ Since all three of us have brown hair, I’m pretty sure this baby is gonna have brown hair… Unless there’s _another_ man who could be the father,” Carl teased.

Evelyn laughed, lightly elbowing his arm, “_Come on_, does it really matter what the name means? What the hell does _Judith_ mean?”

Carl held the page with a finger and flipped to the J’s in the female half of the book, “It means ‘the praised one’ or ‘young.’ Both of those fit her.”

Evelyn shrugged, “I still like Rowan the most out of all the names so far.”

Carl closed the book and turned to Evelyn, taking her face in his hands. “Ok, Rowan it is,” Carl whispered and kissing her.

Evelyn kissed back, but then pulled away. “Are you sure?” she asked, biting her lip.

Carl smiled, “I’m sure.” Then he retrieved the blank envelope and wrote ‘Rowan.’

The spell broke as they remembered exactly _why_ they were picking out a name. Carl opened the envelope and took out the letter. His hands were shaking as her wrote the name again at the top of the page before folding it back up, tucking it back in the envelope, and sealing it.

Evelyn couldn’t help it, she began to cry again. Carl finally let go, crying with her.

Several minutes later, their tears dried up. Carl went down to the kitchen to get them some water and a wet washcloth. After they both cleaned up their faces and rehydrated a bit, Carl tentatively asked, “I know it’s not really appropriate or… sexy, I guess… but can we just, you know… one more time?”

It took a moment for Evelyn to realize what he was asking, then she had to look away from him. “I don’t know, Carl. I mean, this is all so sad and you have that bite…”

“It’s ok, we don’t have to, I understand,” he said quickly.

“No wait, I don’t know. Maybe we should… I want to, but I don’t know if I can,” Evelyn trembled as she tried not to cry again.

“Can we try? And if you want me to stop, it’s ok, just tell me.”

Evelyn felt very conflicted, but decided that Carl deserved this. Well, he deserved much more and much better than this. So she agreed to try.

Carl smiled and kissed her slowly. Just taking in the softness of her lips and how it made him feel. Safe. Welcomed. Accepted.

Carl reached up and ripped the bandage off his eye, then kissed her more urgently. He nipped and licked her bottom lip, taking in as much of her as he could. Evelyn’s hands ran through his hair and over his face.

“I’m gonna close the door,” Carl mumbled against her lips, pulling away reluctantly.

“Michonne could come back,” she pointed out.

“I’ll lock it,” he said with a shrug. If they had to pick between getting caught by Michonne or Rick, they’d pick Michonne. But still.

They kissed passionately as they undressed. Evelyn had Carl lay back and she pulled out a few tricks she hadn’t tried on him before, making this time as good for him as it could possibly be.

By the time they finished, Carl’s bandage was stained completely red. He went to the bathroom for a fresh one. When he returned, they dressed and kept the door open, laying together and talking until they heard Michonne come through the front door with the girls.

* * *

It was after sunset, Rick wasn’t back yet and Carl still hadn’t told anyone. After dinner Carl was washing the dishes and began shifting in discomfort. His joints ached all over.

Evelyn noticed and felt his forehead. The fever was starting.

“You need to tell them,” she mumbled.

“I know, I will soon. I have a few more things to get done, ok? I’ll be back in about an hour.”

Evelyn nodded and kissed his cheek.

When he left she dried the dishes and put them away. Then she took the kids upstairs to get cleaned up and go to bed.

They were in the middle of reading_ The Rainbow Fish_ when all three of them jumped at the sound of three loud, amplified knocks at the gate. Judith and Penelope cried. Evelyn quickly tried to shush and calm them.

Then there was the distinct sound of microphone feedback.

_“You may be wondering why the hell your lookouts didn’t sound the alarm. See, we are polite. I mean, I don’t know when they’re gonna wake up from that kinda shot, but they should wake up. So let’s just cut through this cow shit - you lose. It’s over. So you’re gonna line up in front of your little houses, and you’re gonna work up some apologies, and then the person with the lamest one is gonna get killed. Then I kill Rick in front of everybody and we move on. You have three - count ‘em, three minutes to open this gate, or we start bombing the shit out of you!”_

Negan’s magnified whistling after his message made her blood run cold.

Evelyn looked out the window. Families were leaving their houses to find out what to do. She picked up Judith and held Penelope’s hand, taking them out of the house too.

Outside she found Barbara. “Please take them, I have to find Carl, I’ll be back,” she promised.

She jogged towards a group and caught site of Carl’s hat.

_“Two minutes people! Dig deep. I want these apologies to be memorable. Bonus points for creativity. Work up a poem, sing a song - I love that shit!”_

When she reached them, Carl was talking heatedly to Michonne and Rosita.

_“Carl, we can’t just let them have this place,”_ Michonne said.

_“We can. All we need to do is survive tonight. This is my show, you said it! This is my plan and you’re gonna do it. You’re all gonna do it. So let’s go!”_ Carl said, with more confidence in his voice than Evelyn had ever heard. Michonne and Rosita recognized it too, jogging away to follow his orders.

_“One minute! One minute.”_

“Carl, wait! Stop,” Evelyn begged, catching his wrists.

“You heard him, one minute! He’s not messing around, I have to save these people, this is my responsibility,” he said. His voice was still strong but his body said otherwise, chest heaving and hands shaking.

Evelyn glanced around quickly, making sure no one would hear them, “I know, I know it is. But you could stop all of this. Right now. Tell Negan what happened. He’ll stop, I promise.”

Carl jerked his wrists out of her grip, “No, I’m not telling him. I don’t want his pity.”

“What about your sister? Your dad? Me? This is it, Carl. You only have a few hours left. Do you want to spend it fighting?”

“No, of course I don’t. But if he’s going to do the right thing, it needs to be for himself, not for me.”

“We don’t have the time,” she pleaded, exasperated.

“I’m sorry, I’m doing this my way,” he said. Then jogged away from her, towards the gate.

Evelyn had no choice but to get moving with everyone else. She quickly learned that his plan was to take shelter in the sewer, so she helped everyone get down safely.

* * *

_“Okeydokey. You brought this on yourself, Rick. See, I was willing to work with you. All you had to do was follow a few very simple rules. Now - well, now I see that you got to go! Scorched earth, you dick!”_ Negan announced angrily at the end of three minutes.

_“He’s not home,”_ Carl said, popping up from the lookout station.

Every savior raised their guns in his direction. Negan smiled wide, much happier to see Carl’s face than Rick’s.

_“Oh-ho-holy shit! Everybody your fire, it’s Carl. Look at you, answering the door like a big boy. I am so proud. Daddy’s not home, huh? Well, I guess he’s gonna get back to a big ole’ smoky surprise.”_

_“There’s families in here. _Your family_. Kids. My little sister.”_

Negan tensed. He knew Evelyn was here. But not all of his Saviors knew. He hoped the comment wouldn’t sink in for them.

_“Well, that shit just breaks my heart. There’s kids at the Sanctuary. You must’ve seen them. Even had a little baby at one of the outposts. I wonder what happened to her.”_

Negan lowered the mic.

_“None of this shit’s fair kid,”_ he said, just to Carl now._ “Hell, you know that. You had to kill your own mom. That is screwed up. Ergo, we need someone in charge who’s willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that shit doesn’t happen. Oh. Wait. That’s me.”_

_“Bad stuff does happen but we can figure this out. We can stop this,”_ Carl had a note of desperation in his voice now. And if it wasn’t so dark, Negan may have noticed the color leaving his cheeks as the fever worsened.

_“Oh, now you wanna talk? See, your dad had it that I died, no matter what. He gave my people a choice. Not me. Now we’re gonna need a new understanding. Apologies, punishm-“_

_“Kill me,” _Carl interrupted firmly.

Negan took several steps closer to the gate so they could talk quieter. 

_“What did you just say?” _he asked slowly.

_“If you have to kill someone, if there has to be punishment, then kill me. I’m serious.”_

Time stopped for Negan and his heart felt like it skipped a beat. Not because he ever intended to take Carl up on this offer. But because, in that moment, Negan realized he was in love with Carl fucking Grimes. He couldn’t believe these two had managed to get under his skin, where no one was allowed. But here they were.

_“You wanna die?”_ Negan finally asked.

_“No, I don’t,”_ Carl replied right away. He took a breath and shook his head in defeat. _“But I will. It’s gonna happen. And if - if me dying could stop this, if it can make things different, for us, for you, for all those kids, it’d be worth it.”_

Negan couldn’t look him in the eye as he spoke so selflessly.

_“I mean, was this the plan?”_ Carl continued. Negan looked back up. _“Was it supposed to be this way? Is this who you wanted to be?”_

Negan and his men heard the sound of multiple trucks starting at the same time. He turned to the blockade of cars Dwight and Laura set up. Suddenly the trucks smashed through the gate and easily pushed aside the line of cars.

When Negan looked back to the lookout station, Carl was gone.

_“Son of a bitch, Carl! Was that just a play? I thought we were havin’ a moment, you little asshole! Bombs away!”_

Despite Negan’s anger, he felt a small glimmer of admiration deep in his gut. It was a damn good plan that Carl came up with. He expected the civilians, including Evelyn, to be on those trucks. He knew the bombs would go way beyond Carl, giving him a chance to find safety. It was time to focus on the other Grimes.

* * *

Negan was alone in their house. He kept the lights off and made his way upstairs.

He went to Rick and Michonne’s room first. Negan found their hidden weapons and tucked them away. With nothing else of interest, he went to Carl’s room.

Negan immediately noticed the two sets of bedding on the floor. They were on opposite ends of the room. He smiled wide knowing Rick let them share a room, no doubt with the door open at night. Negan was positive the two had found a way around that…

On the dresser were polaroid pictures. The top one was Carl and Judith. Underneath were some of Carl and Evelyn. Evelyn and Penelope. One of Carl sitting on top of the gazebo-like bridge outside. He wasn’t facing the camera, he was looking out on the horizon of a sunset. His hat was behind him. Carl’s legs were stretched out and he leaned back on his hands. Negan was sure Evelyn took the picture without Carl’s knowledge.

The contrast of bombs going off outside while looking at these beautiful pictures made his stomach clench.

Just then he heard steps on the front porch and the door opening and closing. Negan put the pictures in his pocket, just in case the house didn’t make it through this mess. Then he walked quietly down the stairs, hearing Rick’s desperate whisper, _“Carl? Judith? Michonne?”_

Negan quickly descended the rest of the stairs to surprise him with a non-lethal swing from Lucille.

_“This shit isn’t funny anymore,”_ Negan growled out.

They fought viscously, verbally and physically, throughout the first level of the house.

Rick dodged another swing from Lucille. Negan laughed, out of breath,_ “You know your kid volunteered to die?”_

Rick stumbled around the dining room table, trying to keep him away until he could find a weapon again.

_“What kind of boy you raise, Rick? I’m gonna fix him. Cuz I like him._ He’s gonna be a leader, right next to me. I can picture it now, and the picture does not include you.”

More punches were thrown. They each had the upper hand at some point. They were a very even match.

Finally, Negan tackled Rick but put too much force behind it. Rick fell through a window, quickly bouncing up and running off.

_“Shit,”_ Negan cursed.

* * *

Evelyn waited for Carl a few feet from the beginning of the large group of Alexandria residents hiding in the sewer. She sat on a dryer patch of concrete while Judith and Penelope colored on the ground and walls with chalk. They were fortunate a teacher grabbed her bag before leaving her house.

The first sound of explosions from above had Penelope flying into her arms. Judith fell hard on her bottom in shock and cried. Evelyn quickly picked her up too, pressing her face into her shoulder to muffle her cries. To her surprise, Penelope recovered quickly and reached over to pet Judith’s hair, trying to soothe her.

When Carl finally came through, Evelyn cried in relief. But he looked terrible. He was walking with a limp which seemed to be from a twisted ankle, but he was also pale and sweating. She knew it wasn’t just the stress and pain, it was the fever getting worse.

She stood and set Penelope and Judith down, whispering a promise that she wasn’t leaving them. When Carl reached her, Evelyn hugged him. His weight fell on her from his exhausted state.

“Michonne should be here soon. I need to explain what happened with me and Saddiq. She needs to understand,” Carl strained to pull away and stand independently. Evelyn held his shoulder to steady him. He reached in his bag and shuffled through the envelopes from earlier, then forced the ‘Evelyn’ and ‘Rowan’ ones in her hand.

She shook her head, reluctant for this to be the end. “What about Negan’s?” she asked with a shaky voice.

“If Michonne or my dad get back in time, I want them to see that I have a message for him. Without me, what happens next is completely up to my dad. He’ll be angry, he’ll blame Negan for this, but it’s not his fault, it’s mine.”

Carl was winded from just standing and talking. “If they don’t get back in time, I need you to get them to my dad or Michonne and explain what happened, ok?”

“Yeah, of course,” Evelyn agreed through tears.

She helped him sit down. They held the girls who jumped with every explosion, but they stayed quiet at least.

“Did you see Negan?” Evelyn asked.

“Yeah, he thinks you all got out safe with our trucks.”

“Well, I am safe,” she whispered. “I’m with you.”

They held each other for another 20 minutes or so. Then Daryl and a few others came down the sewers.

Carl looked around him. “Where’s Michonne?” he asked frantically.

“She’ll be here,” Daryl said gruffly, picking up Judith.

Then Dwight appeared behind him. He and Evelyn’s eyes found each other and widened in surprise.

“Fuck,” Evelyn muttered. Dwight was the spy.

“What’s wrong?” Daryl suddenly said, looking down at Carl.

Carl’s sad eyes looked to Evelyn.

“He got bit,” she explained for him. “Earlier today, he was out, bringing someone back,” she nodded to the end of the tunnel where Saddiq sat on a cot.

Daryl looked devastated. He switched Judith to his other hip, “Goddamnit Carl.”

“Can you help me up? I need to wait with Saddiq until Dad or Michonne get here.”

Daryl handed Judith to Evelyn and reached out his hand to pull Carl up. They hobbled to the back where Carl collapsed against the wall. He looked so much worse than 30 minutes ago.

Daryl took Judith back and sat down. Evelyn picked up her niece and approached Dwight.

She still didn’t know what to say and, apparently, he didn’t either. Penelope recognized him though. They never interacted much at the Sanctuary, but she saw him often. Unprompted, Penelope tentatively waved to him, breaking the tension by earning a small smile from both Dwight and Evelyn.

“Guess she remembers the Sanctuary, huh?” he commented.

“Absolutely, she likes living here, but I can tell she misses it. Misses Negan,” she said, looking down.

Dwight looked at her fiercely, “I’m working with them to kill Negan, you know that right? Be straight with me, are you gonna be in the way?”

Evelyn had no more tears to shed for the day, but she wanted to cry again. “I know. I won’t… I’m not getting in the way here.”

Then Evelyn looked him in the eye to show him how serious she was. “I’ll do whatever it takes to keep her alive,” she said, nodding to Penelope.

Dwight nodded sternly, “I won’t hesitate if you make one move to stop us.”

Evelyn couldn’t help but smile. For all the time Daryl and Dwight spent hating each other, they were so much alike.

“What?” he asked, irritated.

“Daryl said something similar to me when I arrived,” she glanced back at Daryl entertaining Judith. “But I understand, ok?”

He looked at her closely before nodding and looking away.

No one spoke again through the explosions above.

The next time the grate opened, Michonne and Rick came through. Evelyn was relieved that they made it in time. She glanced around to Carl who continued to look progressively worse and watched as his parents fell to their knees in front of him. Evelyn’s heart broke a little more so she clutched Penelope closer.

An explosion louder and closer than the rest knocked loose rubble over them. Evelyn covered Penelope’s eyes and tucked her face to her chest.

They heard Carl’s coughing echo through the sewer.

_“Make it stop!”_ Michonne yelled, advancing on Dwight. She shoved him into the wall._ “Make them stop,”_ she repeated.

_“I can’t,”_ he said, shame and guilt written all over his face.

_“You can,”_ she begged. _“You’re one of them, they’ll listen you. Please.”_

Dwight shook his head without looking her in the eye. Michonne turned to Evelyn, “Please.”

Evelyn stood still. The only way she could make it stop was by telling Negan about Carl. She couldn’t go against Carl’s final request.

Rosita got up and put a hand on Michonne’s shoulder, gently turning her away from Evelyn.

_“You said that Hilltop’s safe, right?”_ Rosita asked Dwight.

He sighed, _“Yeah.”_

_“We need to get everybody there,”_ Rosita declared.

The group discussed their options for a while, but ultimately decided to wait until the bombing was over, then travel to Hilltop on foot.

Evelyn had to clear her head and think about her options. She had to make the right choice for Penelope’s safety. She could leave now, before the Saviors left. She and Penelope could go with them, back to Negan. But would this group let her, after hearing the plan? Plus, if she left and Alexandria won, they would never trust her again. She didn’t want to be cut off from Carl’s family forever. Traveling through the woods with a large group of civilians wasn’t ideal, but these people had made it this far, hopefully they could make it through this. And she still didn’t know how a new plan would affect the Sanctuary, if it was even safe…

15 minutes after the last explosion, Daryl went to investigate.

When he returned and confirmed it was safe, he took Judith from Rick.

“Wait,” she whispered before he passed her. “I need to say goodbye, can you take Penelope too?”

His face remained blank, but he nodded back to Tara. Evelyn looked to her and she held out her hands for Penelope. “You’re going with Judith, ok?” she said, hoping this would keep her from crying as they lead the group out.

Evelyn approached Carl after Saddiq said his goodbye. She knelt in front of him, taking Carl’s face in her hands and leaning their foreheads against each other. She felt his burning fever and chilled sweat against her skin but didn’t care.

“You’re gonna be ok,” Carl whispered to her.

She tried to shake her head but he stopped her with a kiss.

“Tell me you’ll be ok,” he rephrased, tears slipping down his cheek.

Evelyn pulled back, thumbing away his tears and wiping his forehead with the back of her hand.

“I’ll be ok,” she responded, trying to say it with conviction.

“You and Rowan and Penelope and Judith, you’ll be fine without me.”

Evelyn watched his bottom lip tremble. He was saying this more for himself than her. “Yeah, I’ll take care of them. I’ll help Rick and Michonne.”

Carl’s eye sharpened from his hazy fatigue, “And Negan, you’ll help Negan.”

Evelyn nodded quickly in agreement for him, “Ok, Carl. Of course I’ll help Negan.”

Carl’s features relaxed. “I love you, Evelyn.”

“I love you too,” she replied. Evelyn waited, but Carl’s eye closed. She knew he was done.

Evelyn stood and addressed Michonne and Rick. “Thank you for letting me stay here when I arrived. This last week with Ca-,” she choked up and cleared her throat. “With Carl has meant a lot to me. Thank you.”

She took one last look at Carl. His eye opened but fluttered closed quickly. She turned around and willed one foot in front of the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys. I really am. 
> 
> I couldn’t help but slip in some real-life references for the possible baby names… 
> 
> Obviously, Chandler is for Carl’s actor, Chandler Carlton Riggs (I had to dig kinda deep for his middle name) - Chandler ended up being used as a girl name in _Friends_… Phoebe was trying to pick a boy name for the last unnamed triplet. She chose Chandler… But then the second boy was actually a girl, and they named the baby Chandler anyway :)
> 
> I also threw in the name George. Negan’s actor, JDM, has a daughter named George Virginia Morgan :)
> 
> One more note on the name - Rowan is mostly used for boys, but it has been used for girls too. A famous female with the name is Rowan Blanchard, who played Riley Matthews in _Girl Meets World._
> 
> And I know that no one probably cares about Lori’s age… But I estimated she was 24 when she had Carl. And he’s about 14-15 (in this timeline) when Judith was born. So that puts Lori at 38-39 when she gave birth.


	22. Patience is no longer a virtue I have/I try to find emotion from my broken past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song title: Beartooth - [One More](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcvZnScBaOI)
> 
> It’s been a while since my last update! I think it’s the longest I’ve gone between chapters since starting this fic, ugh! It’s probably because I’m genuinely sad Carl’s part is over. I imagined more Cegan, but the whole Negan era is a very short timeline. From the time they officially meet Negan to Rick slitting his throat - it’s only one month!
> 
> I also didn’t want to deviate from the “porn” aspect of this “plot.” With Carl gone and Negan and Evelyn separated, I really didn’t know how to fill this gap until they’re reunited.
> 
> So this chapter is very short, hardly anything happens. The next chapter will be published very soon and it will have much more substance!
> 
> S8, E10-12

> _**After burying Carl’s body, Rick and Michonne drive to Hilltop. While on the road, Michonne notices the letter Carl wrote for Negan. Rick pulls over and reads the letter. Using a walkie they found on a dead Savior in Alexandria, he asks to talk to Negan.** _

_N: Ricky, look at you, callin’ me up. You wanna tell me where you are so we can do this face-to-face?_

_R: Carl’s dead. He wrote letters. He wrote one to you. He asked you to stop. He asked me to stop. He asked us for peace. But it’s too late for that. Even if we wanted a deal now, it doesn’t matter. I’m gonna kill you._

_N: How did it happen?_

_R: What?_

_N: How did he die? Was it us? Was it the grenades? The fire?_

_R: It wasn’t you. Carl went out to help someone. And he got bit._

_N: God damnit. Shit. I um… I am sorry. You know, I wanted him to be part of things. I had plans. He… That kid… That kid was the future._

_R: The only future is one where you’re dead._

_N: What the hell are you doing, Rick? Why are you fighting? Why are you making this so hard? Carl is dead because of you. Because you couldn’t leave shit well enough alone. I mean hell, maybe he would’ve died some other way. Any one of us can get our ticket punched at any second, but in this case… In this case, he is dead because of you. Because you weren’t there to stop him from doing something stupid. You set this course, Rick. Who’s next?_

_R: You are!_

_N: No. But someone is. You see, I stop people from dying. I am the answer. Now, it may have taken a hard lesson for you to hear it, but you should hear it now. It’s time. Do not let any more of your shit decisions cost you to lose anyone else you love. That garbage… That sticks with you. Forever. Just like Carl will. Hell, I’m feeling it. And I’m gonna be feeling it for a while. You could have just let me save all of you. I mean, that’s why I killed your friends in the first place. So you can sit there and say that you’re gonna kill me, but you won’t. You failed. You failed as a leader, and most of all, Rick, you failed as a father. Just give up. Give up because you have already lost._

_ *-*-* _*-*-*__*-*-*__

> _ **The Saviors head to Hilltop for their next attack with weapons soaked in walker guts. Negan’s intention is psychological warfare – Injure a few, no killing, let them turn.** _
> 
> _ **Rick is at a lookout station by Hilltop. He decides not to send a warning when he sees them coming. He attempts to get Negan alone to kill him. He successfully separates Negan from the rest and their fight moves to an abandoned building. Negan drops Lucille in the fight and struggles to find her.** _

_R: So, where’s your people? They should be here by now. We didn’t get that far._

_N: Oh, they’re coming._

_R: This is where you die, in the dark, all alone._

_N: What the hell is your problem, Rick? Huh? I mean, I know you’re working through some shit, the worst kind of shit, I know, but if you aren’t the most stubborn know-it-all prick I’ve ever crossed dicks with… Why didn’t you just let me save you, Rick? I’m good at it. I saved everybody in the Sanctuary, the Outposts, Hilltop, Kingdom – I saved them all. Their kids can grow up safe. They didn’t lose one after we took over. All those people were doing just fine before Rick Grimes! You’ve not only failed your boy, you failed your people, Rick. Kind of makes me sick just thinking about it. All that wasted potential. But, see, there is still hope for you. A one-time deal that I will make in the memory of your bad-ass son, someone that I actually respected. You get Hilltop, Kingdom, Alexandria to fall in line, and our arrangement is back in place – And you are forgiven, Rick. I will lower my take from 50% to 25%. A lousy 25%! But you, you got to come work for me. Janitorial to start – Not bad at all. Your people, they get to live like 75% kings! Now that is an epic freakin’ Christmas-Hanukah-Kwanzaa gift all rolled up into one considering what a thorn in my ass cheek you’ve all been._

_R: Now, why would I trust any deal offered to me after what you did to Jadis’ people?_

_N: The hell are you talking about?_

_R: The Scavengers. You killed them – All of them. A whole community just wiped out. Is that how you ‘save’ people?_

_N: *Whispers to himself* Son of a bitch._

_R: Still just me and you, even though plenty of your people must’ve seen you go. See – See it’s times like this you realize who your true friends are. No one’s coming for you. *Finds Lucille* What you have, oh, that was never gonna last. Sooner or later, you were gonna meet somebody like me. You can’t save me or my people or even yours. You can’t save anyone because you don’t care about anyone. You use people to bring you food, to sleep with you, to protect you. The only thing you care about is this bat. You can’t even save that. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll let you kiss her goodbye._

_N: Don’t you touch her!_

_R: Come and get her. *Lights Lucille on fire and breaks down a door to a room full of walkers*_

* * *

Negan felt like shit. Simon and Dwight, his most trusted men, betrayed him. And Hilltop must have been a shit show. So many people will turn in their own beds. If any one of them were parents, they could have turned and tore into their kid while they slept...

Negan had to stop this train of thought. He had to. It hurt too much. He worried for Evelyn, Penelope. and Judith. And Gracie, if she was there. It's true that Negan didn't initially know the baby's name. But after going through his resident list to check off the dead, he found her name. 

He gave it his all with Rick, one more time, one more deal. And he didn't fucking take it. No one had to die and Rick refused. Dumbass. And his terrible decision was going to get a lot of people killed. Again.

Hearing Carl's letter through Michonne was the tipping point. 

Carl asked if this is what he wanted. It absolutely fucking _wasn't_ what he wanted. But he was losing control of what he had built. He couldn't see a way out other than... Starting over. 

Negan stood outside the wives’ lounge. For the first time since he started all this, he truly did not want anyone in that room. But he had to keep up appearances. He was fine.

But he walked away. He didn't think he could fake it good enough. He walked down the halls without any intention, just trying to find a different distraction. 

"Shit!" 

Negan turned a corner and ran right into someone. 

"N-Negan, I'm so sorry," the man said, recovering quickly and dropping to his knees, bowing his head of dirty blond hair. 

Negan straightened his leather jacket, looking down at him. "It's alright kid, stand up."

He got up but kept his eyes down. 

"Look at me," he ordered. The young man obeyed, casting his blue eyes to Negan's hazel. "What's your name?"

"Adam. Adam Milligan, sir." 

"What are you doing down here, Adam?" he asked, tilting his head. 

"I work in the kitchen, sir. Just finished my shift. I'm sorry, again, for running into you." 

Negan nodded, acknowledging his apology. "You work with Mark in the kitchen? How's he doin'?"

Adam stiffened, but otherwise his face stayed neutral. "Yeah, he's my friend. He's… gotten better."

"Good, good to hear it," Negan patted his shoulder and took a step to go around him. 

"I don't mean to speak out of turn," Adam blurted out. Negan stopped, curious. "But if it were me, I wouldn't act like those girls do. They're... resentful of being yours. Everyone can see it. I don't get it, if I had their role I... I'd be a bit more appreciative."

Negan blinked down at him. "How old are you?"

"18," he said with round, surprised eyes. 

"Can you keep a secret?" he asked, a wicked smile playing across his lips. 

"Of course," Adam said breathlessly. 

Negan pushed his back into the wall and crashed their lips together. Adam reacted immediately, kissing back, hands finding Negan's hips, pulling the older man closer.

Negan grabbed his wrists and slammed his arms into the wall. Adam’s passionate, aggressive kisses broke off with a gasp. He turned pliant under Negan and groaned softly with each kiss and bite.

Footsteps were heard drawing near. Negan pulled back and looked into his eyes…

The heat and excitement drained from Negan’s body. This guy, this kid, wasn’t who he really wanted.

He stepped back, releasing his hold on the younger man. Adam looked disappointed and confused.

“Get outta here,” Negan mumbled, wiping a hand down his face.

Adam nodded with a hurt expression but obeyed.

Negan stood right where Adam had left him, panic rising in his chest.

Fortunately, the person walking nearby took a different route so they didn’t run into Negan.

What was he doing? How could he miss someone so deeply who he’d known for only a few weeks? Negan’s stomach turned with grief. He forced himself to breathe deeper to keep from throwing up.

And if this was how awful _he_ felt, Negan couldn’t imagine how Evelyn was feeling right now.

He had to get back to her. He had to _end_ this. 


	23. I was fine just a guy living on my own/Waiting for the sky to fall/Then you called and changed it all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Panic! At the Disco - [Sarah Smiles](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nV97_YorkbU)
> 
> I’m very excited about this chapter because it’s the last with show dialogue! I know, there’s been a lot of it :/
> 
> In previous chapters I have provided more details about what’s going on in the show because I forgot about a lot of it before re-watching, specifically as analysis for this fic. But there’s too much in the last chapter and this one, I’m skipping it. 
> 
> The last chapter was very short but, as promised, this one has more substance. It's nearly 6,000 words :)
> 
> For reference in this chapter (and the next), full-term pregnancies are 280 days :)
> 
> S8, E16
> 
> This chapter includes past rape/non-con (very minor). Some justification of the whole underage thing (again, which I don’t personally agree with, this is fictional).

> _**The final battle – Negan gives Rick a fake plan via Dwight. Rick and company stumble right into it. Eugene saves the day by tampering with all the Savior’s ammo to explode. Negan makes a run for it but, of course, Rick catches up to him.** _

_N: *Standing over Rick on the ground* Just so you know, eenie-meenie-miney-moe, that was bullshit. I made a choice. I just didn’t want to kill a kid’s dad in front of him. Turns out, that would’ve been the best thing I could’ve done. Had I done it, that kid might still be alive._

_R: *Kicks Negan’s legs out* You’re beat. You’re people are down._

_N: I’ll get out of it. I always do. It’s just you and me, Rick. *Stands up* And you – You are torn open. I am bigger, I am badder, and I got a bat._

_R: We can have a future._

_N: I know I will._

_R: Just give me – Give me 10 seconds so I can tell you how._

_N: No._

_R: *Stands up* Just give me 10 seconds for Carl._

_N: Ten… Nine._

_R: Carl said it doesn’t have to be, it doesn’t have to be a fight anymore._

_N: He was wrong. Eight._

_R: No, no. He was right._

_N: *Looks at Rick with tears in his eyes, giving up the perfect moment to take down Rick*_

_R: *Slits Negan’s throat with a shard of glass*_

_N: Look what you did. Carl didn’t know a damn thing._

_R: *Blinking rapidly realizing, for the first time, what Carl meant. He walks away, looking to Saddiq* Save him._

_ *-*-* _*-*-*__*-*-*__

> _ **Saddiq successfully saves Negan. Alexandria is cleared of walkers and the residents travel back from Hilltop. Negan is in the infirmary, recovering.** _

_M: We know you're awake._

_N: I never said I wasn't._

_M: Good. Because we need to tell you some things. And you don't have to open your eyes now. But you're gonna open them soon. Because we're gonna make you watch what happens._

_R: And this isn't about who you killed. No - We've killed people - No, this is about what you did to us, what you did to so many people. How you made people live for you, how you put people under your boot._

_N: *Tries to sit up* I saved people._

_M: *Grips Negan’s throat*_

_S: Michonne._

_M: He needs to know. This isn't a discussion._

_R: We can open up his stitches for a little while just to remind him. Carl pictured something better. All of us working together for something bigger than all of us. And you'll have a job, too._

_M: *Lets go of his throat* Yeah, you get to be a part of it. You'll be an example of what this will be._

_R: We're not gonna kill you. We're not gonna hurt you. You're gonna rot in a cell._

_M: For the rest of your life, day after day._

_R: You're gonna be evidence that we're makin' a civilization, something like what we had, something we're gonna get back._

_M: And you get to watch it happen. And you get to see how wrong you were about what people can be, about what life can be._

_R: You, alive, is gonna help show people that things have changed, that keepin' you breathing earns another way, a better way. That's the part you'll play._

_M: So after all this, maybe you're good for something._

* * *

“Wait,” Negan whispered. The pain from his throat was worse than before.

“You shouldn’t speak again,” Saddiq advised, glancing at Rick and Michonne as they walked to the door.

“Please,” he begged, ignoring Saddiq.

“What?” Rick asked sharply, stopping at the doorway.

“Ev’lyn, here?” he asked, brokenly.

The couple shared another look but didn’t answer right away.

Negan looked back at the ceiling, taking a deep breath before asking his worst fear at this point, “Alive?”

Rick made him wait another torturous five seconds before answering, “She’s fine.”

Negan groaned in relief, “See ‘er?”

“That’s her decision,” Michonne said. She nodded to Rick and they left the room.

Saddiq removed his bandage, checking on his stitches. “You really shouldn’t talk again for a while. I’ll give you some water now and I’ll come back in an hour, ok?”

Negan nodded minutely. Saddiq helped him sit up enough to drink from a glass. He grimaced in pain but survival instincts made him keep drinking as much as he could tolerate.

When Saddiq left, he nodded off. Besides the pain from his wounds, he still felt utterly drained from the blood loss.

* * *

It felt like only a minute passed when Saddiq returned. He heard him talking next to his bed, then a female voice.

Negan’s eyes flew open and he turned his head too quickly. Pain shot through his body forcing him to close his eyes again, groaning.

“Hey, hey, take it is easy,” Saddiq said, frustrated and worried.

Negan opened his eyes when the sharp pain subsided. Evelyn was sitting in the chair next to him. She looked exactly as she had when she left. It was only a couple weeks ago, but it felt like much longer.

“It’s ok, don’t talk Negan,” she said softly, taking his uninjured hand to hold between hers. Negan felt comforted and relieved, he let out a sigh and closed his eyes.

“Can we have a few minutes?” she asked Saddiq.

“Yeah, but not too long, he needs to rest.”

When the door closed again, Evelyn’s thumb rubbed back and forth across the back of his hand.

“I… I’m glad you’re going to be ok,” she said. Her eyes welled with tears against her will. “If I lost you _and_ Carl, shit. I don’t want to go through this alone. I love you.”

Negan shook his head in self-loathing. She deserved much better than him. She deserved Carl.

“Yes, Negan. Shut up,” she said sharply, even though he hadn’t said anything. But she knew what he would say if he could talk. “I need you and you need to get better and figure your shit out. Everything’s different now. But this-,” she squeezed his hand so he’d look up. Evelyn put her free hand over her stomach. “This is still happening. I… I’ve put a lot of thought into this, what to do, what will be best. I’ve decided to wait and tell them when I start to show. Saddiq knows, he’s agreed to keep this private and monitor me… And I’m going to tell them I’m 100% sure it’s yours.”

Negan closed his eyes again. He didn’t know what she should do, but this didn’t feel right. However, he couldn’t think of a good reason for an alternative plan. He gave in and nodded to agree with her.

“Good,” she said. “I um… I can’t visit you again for a while. Rick and Michonne… I can tell they’re suspicious of my loyalty. You can’t hurt anyone or go anywhere now, but you’ll recovery. They don’t know if I’ll help you or not. I have to convince them I won’t, ok? Because that’s the truth, I’ll never help you make a move against them.”

Negan nodded tiredly, opening his eyes again, just to see her once more before he slipped into unconsciousness. His body took over and insisted that he rest.

* * *

The clean up and repairs around Alexandria kept its residents busy. It should have been a distraction from everyone they lost recently.

Evelyn still thought about Carl often. It took some time, but Michonne told Evelyn everything that happened after she saw him for the last time. Evelyn often sat by the C made of white stones that they had put together; thinking about him, re-reading his letter, questioning if she was doing the right thing...

One day while Evelyn was working, Daryl walked up to her with a box.

“What’s going on?” she asked cautiously.

“Got some things from Negan’s room. Thought I’d let you see ‘em before Rick,” he said, pushing the box to her chest.

“Oh,” she said surprised and confused. “What is it?”

She opened the box and nearly dropped it. The only item that registered in her mind was the god forsaken camcorder.

“Just get rid of the stuff Rick doesn’t need to see and give him his son’s things back. You can do whatever you want with Negan’s. Throw it away, keep it, give it to him, I don’t care.”

“Wha-“

Before Evelyn could finish her question, Daryl was already walking away. She looked back in the box to see the other items and received another surprise – The polaroid pictures from her and Carl’s week together.

She thought they were gone after the attack on Alexandria. So many things were broken, destroyed, or missing when they returned. Evelyn couldn’t spare another thought for what was gone, only what they still had.

She quickly gathered her things and went home. Evelyn had gravitated towards Aaron early on. He reminded her so much of her dad. She didn’t want to continue living in Carl’s old room so she asked Aaron if she and Penelope could live with him and Gracie. Naturally, he agreed, welcoming the extra help with an infant and the extra company.

Once Evelyn was safely behind closed doors, she removed all the contents from the box.

Every polaroid picture she remembered was there. Carl and Judith. Carl and Evelyn. Evelyn and Penelope. Carl sitting on the roof of the bridge, now gone.

Evelyn’s breath caught and tears welled in her eyes, but she put the pictures aside to see what else was there. The rest of the items were things Evelyn hadn’t seen before.

She picked up a small envelope and felt the outline of two rings inside. It wasn’t sealed so she opened the flap and let the rings fall in her hand. Two gold wedding bands, one small and one big, clearly belonging to Negan and his late wife.

Evelyn tipped the rings back in the envelope and moved on to the next item – A small photo album, the kind that only held about a dozen 4x6 pictures. The pictures inside were of Negan, younger than he was now, maybe by a decade. He had his arm around a woman wearing a light blue dress. She was much shorter than Negan, 5’4” at the most, and she was very pretty with long brown hair and a slim figure.

After flipping through the pictures, Evelyn quickly realized these were courthouse wedding pictures. The last few were taken the same day at a restaurant that looked like a steakhouse, with people who may have been their friends or siblings, and an older couple, either Negan or his wife’s parents.

She took out the first picture to flip it around for the print date – _June 8, 2004._

Handwritten in a neat, cursive above the date – _Negan and Lucille._

So… Negan was his real name. And he named his weapon of choice after his dead wife. Evelyn huffed, this man never ceased to surprise her. She knew he had a reason that was logical in his mind, but she really didn’t want to know.

Evelyn read the back of the other pictures, but they only listed names, not relations.

It was impressive that Negan managed to hold onto these sentimental items for so long. Very few people could. They either became lost on the run, got stolen, or the reminder was too painful to hold onto.

Evelyn turned her attention back to the camcorder and the last item, it’s charger. She powered it on and saw the battery icon running low, but all she wanted to do was make sure everything was still there. The interviews and all.

She didn’t know if she should tape over the sexual part with something, anything, to make it appropriate for Rick to have. This was the only video in existence of his son.

After a few minutes of contemplating, she decided to only give Rick the picture of Carl and Judith. She could decide on all the other items later.

* * *

Summer quickly gave way to fall. The weather cooled and the trees turned to beautiful red, orange, and yellow foliage. Negan’s injuries healed and was moved to the jail cell.

Negan hadn’t seen Evelyn. Part of him wondered if their conversation was a dream. He’d been in so much pain, maybe he hallucinated.

The days went by slowly. He wanted to talk to someone, to do something to make the time pass less torturously. But whenever a guard came down or Rick or Gabriel, he became irritated at the sight of them. He didn’t know what he wanted. He didn’t know what would happen next.

Guilt crept into his mind. Soon, it was all he could think about. Everything he did wrong. Everyone he hurt. He hated himself.

* * *

By winter, Evelyn started showing. She added up the tally marks of days since her first positive pregnancy test – 108. Baggy clothes and jackets could only help so much. It was time to come clean.

One night after dinner, she approached Michonne. “I need to talk to you and Rick. It’s important.”

Michonne’s brow furrowed with worry, “Alright, you can go to our house, I’ll get Rick and meet you there.”

A short time later, Evelyn sat at the kitchen table in the Grimes’ household across from Rick and Michonne. Evelyn took off her coat and flannel and simply stated, “I’m pregnant.”

“How…” Rick started, shocked and at a loss for words. He turned to Michonne for help.

“Who…” she asked, equally caught off-guard but quickly doing the math based on her size. “It’s not…”

“No, it’s not Carl’s,” Evelyn said, blushing furiously. Despite the seriousness of the situation, it was still embarrassing. “I found out I was pregnant right before I left the Sanctuary. It’s Negan’s.”

It pained her not to tell the truth. If this was Carl’s child, it would turn their world upside-down. Rick would be a grandfather. But this was undeniably the best plan, so Rowan would have a dad. And Evelyn missed Negan so much, this could help her stay in Alexandria’s good graces while giving her a valid excuse to reconnect with Negan.

“Did Carl know?” Rick asked at the same time Michonne asked, “Does Negan know?”

Evelyn smiled softly, “Carl knew, I felt like I could tell him anything. It didn’t change how we felt about each other. Negan didn’t know when I left the Sanctuary. I told Negan when I visited him that one time in the infirmary.”

“Why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Michonne asked.

“I don’t know… I wanted to figure out what to do. I think I have, but I know you’re not going to like it... I’m sorry I kept this from you.”

Michonne put her hand over Evelyn’s, allowing her to speak freely.

“My baby needs a dad in case I… In case I don’t make it through the childbirth or my heart condition. I’m so worried I’ll go without anyone to take care of him or her. And Penelope too. I need someone to live with me to keep the kids safe in case something happens. I don’t see any way around it,” Evelyn couldn’t hold back tears, they slipped down her face as she fought back the panic these fears caused.

“We would make sure someone’s caring for them, Evelyn,” Michonne assured her.

“But children need to be loved too, not just cared for,” Evelyn insisted. “I know it’s hard to believe because you haven’t seen it, but Penelope loves Negan, and he loves her too. You know how reserved she is with every other adult. It’s never been like that with Negan. I know he’s done terrible things, but I want us to live together, somehow.”

Rick and Michonne exchanged a look, clearly not thrilled with her suggestion.

“Can we just… Try to include him in this? Maybe he’s changed, he’s been in the jail cell for months now… Can you just think about it, please?”

“Ok, we’ll think about it,” Michonne finally agreed.

* * *

While Alexandria’s leaders deliberated over the next couple weeks, Evelyn felt like it was the opportune time to begin visiting Negan.

Evelyn wasn’t sure what to expect for him to look like or act like. But it definitely wasn’t this.

Negan didn’t look like a man who was in solitary confinement. He looked like a man whose demons had physically materialized and tortured him for the past three months.

Negan broke down at the sight of her. Evelyn knelt by the bars, watching him cry in anguish, stunned. He was out of shape and thin. His long-sleeve shirt didn’t fill with the muscles he used to have. His hair was grown out and unkept. The lines on his face were deeper than ever and he had bags under his eyes, like he never slept.

When he calmed down, she softly said, “Come here, please?”

He shook his head dumbly.

Evelyn unzipped her jacket. Her belly had shifted forward recently and was impossible to hide.

Negan gasped and took the two steps needed to reach the bars before falling to his knees in front of her.

“Most days I can’t believe all of this is real,” she whispered. “But I’m reminded with every kick against my ribs.”

His eyes stayed on her belly with no response to her words. Then he was shaking his head frantically, “We never should have been together,” Negan finally said, looking her in the eye. “I shouldn’t have made the deal with you or any of the others. How am I different, Evelyn? All the others before, I used you, just like they did.”

It took a few seconds for Evelyn to realize what he was talking about. “No, Negan, you are different. Before… they _forced_ me. They gave me no choice.”

“I gave you no choice. Be with me or lose your medicine? That’s fucked up.”

“Yeah it is, but I agreed to the deal. I used you just as much as you used me. I wanted this. I wanted you. The others… they told me they’d _kill_ me or Penelope if I didn’t do what they wanted. Or they’d hurt her instead. Negan, I… I knew she’d be safe, no matter what I decided with you.”

“I shouldn’t have kept going after I find out that you… If I’d known before… And then I fucking did it again with Carl, it ain’t right,” Negan broke off, crying again.

“Maybe not, but what’s done is done. And in the end-“ Evelyn began crying too, she was tired of crying, felt like it was all she did since Carl died. “In the end, he didn’t regret it.”

Negan bowed his head and closed his eyes. “He’d regret it one day, when he was older. He would have realized how fucked up it was. You will too.”

Evelyn wanted to slap him. If the bars weren’t in the way, she would have. He had no place to tell her how to feel; past, present, or future.

Instead, she wiped off her tears and reached through, forcefully lifting his face to look at her.

“I’m 17 now. Do I look any different than before?”

“No,” Negan admitted.

“And if things were like they were before, and I showed up on your doorstep, today, and I told you the truth, would you have told me to find a place to work, or would you make the same offer?”

There was no question to it. When she put it that way, Negan realized he wouldn’t change anything if it meant they’d never connect and fall in love. “I’d make the same offer,” he agreed shakily.

“And I’d make the _same_ decision.”

* * *

Evelyn and Negan’s relationship improved slowly. She visited him every day, sometimes for five minutes, sometimes for an hour. It depended on her schedule and who was guarding.

For the first few weeks, Negan just listened and didn’t provide much feedback. Evelyn tried to keep the one-way conversation light for a while. She told him about the pregnancy check-ups and all the new, weird things her body was doing. She relayed the good news that Rick was _considering_ an alternate situation so that Negan could be involved, maybe even live with Evelyn.

Negan’s motivation also improved slowly. It started with him eating his entire meals, not just bits and pieces. Then he took more care during his baths, not just rushing through the humiliating process. Then he began taking time every day for exercises. Finally, he asked for a trim or a shave, whatever they would agree to. He was handcuffed to the bars with guns trained on him as the barber took an electric razor to his face and hair.

As Negan’s demeanor improved, so did their conversations. Evelyn told him everything Carl told her about why Rick was so against Negan in the first place. Negan acknowledged his mistake in trusting the wrong people, particularly Simon.

The guilt he felt every moment since waking up in the infirmary weighed heavy on him. Now he knew where it all went wrong – His Lieutenants and Saviors. And Lucille.

Evelyn brought the photo album and wedding rings. He couldn’t keep them while locked in the cell. But he was relieved they weren’t gone forever. He opened up to Evelyn about how Lucille died, how he couldn’t put her down. Now he had so many regrets that he didn’t know if that was his biggest, but it was up there.

Falling in love again was never part of the plan, but now Negan couldn’t imagine his life any other way.

Evelyn was just happy to see Negan improving. She decided it was time to prove one of her points to Rick and Michonne.

She convinced them to visit Negan’s cell with her and Penelope.

Evelyn didn’t tell Negan her plan and hadn’t told him too much about Penelope’s progress. She wanted his reactions to be 100% genuine.

Miraculously, Penelope was talking more than ever. Evelyn didn’t know what changed, but she rolled with it. Penelope called her “Evie” and gave one-word answers when asked a question. She was still very reserved when communicating with other adults, even Aaron and the teacher she saw every day.

When the day of the arranged meeting arrived, Evelyn, Penelope, Rick, and Michonne went down to the jail cell together. Penelope was clinging to Evelyn, she’d never been there before and it was dark and scary. She didn’t recognize Negan right away, it had been so long.

Negan all but jumped to the bars to see her, surprised and smiling wide. “Hello angel,” he said to her, just like he always had.

“Nee!” she squealed, wiggling out of Evelyn’s arms, all fear forgotten. She ran right up to him and put her little hands on the bars, pulling with all her might, “Let in!”

Negan’s jaw dropped and he looked to Evelyn, “She’s talking?”

Penelope also turned to Evelyn, frustrated, “Open!”

Evelyn bit her lip, smiling, and nodded. The interaction could not have gone any better for Rick and Michonne to witness.

“Hey, hey,” Negan said, kneeling down to her level. “It’s ok, you don’t have to come in here to see me.”

“Wanna,” she pouted.

Negan laughed, the first real laugh Evelyn heard in a long time. “Not today kiddo, I’m sorry.”

Penelope pouted some more and crossed her arms.

“Maybe next time we can play Uno, how does that sound?”

“Uno!” she agreed, then reached both arms in, like Negan could make the bars disappear and pick her up.

“That’s enough,” Rick said. He nodded to Evelyn and she had no choice but to pick her up to take her from the cell. She cried the whole way out the door.

Michonne and Rick stayed. Negan stood and leaned against the bars, waiting for them to say something.

“We can’t just let you out, Negan,” Rick said.

“I don’t expect you to,” he replied.

“Why should we consider changing this arrangement?” Michonne asked.

Negan tilted his head to the side, not fully understanding.

“I want to hear your side of this,” she continued. “You’re a smart man, you know how delicate these situations are. Why shouldn’t we leave you here to rot, as we promised?”

Negan wiped his face and turned around, pacing his cell to give him time to think and find the right words.

“Evelyn can’t take care of a baby alone,” he said when he returned to the bars. “Every night, she’s going to need someone in the room with her. She can’t sleep alone with anyone and babies need to be fed, what is it? Every few hours, right? She can’t deal with her restraints all night long. She’s human, she’ll forget. She… Have you seen her, when she has an arrythmia?”

Michonne and Rick shared a look. “No,” Michonne responded.

“Well, it’s scary as shit. And I’m man enough to admit that I really didn’t take this seriously until I saw it happen.”

“And you’re the only person who can help her? I don’t think so. We could have rotating shifts for people to stay up, just like guard duty. She could find a new boyfriend, someone who’s a productive member of this community.”

Michonne’s words felt like a knife in his chest. “I know you could. And I wish she would find someone else,” he mumbled turning away and going back to his cot.

Rick and Michonne walked closer to the bars, surprised by his response.

“She deserves better than me. I’ve told her to move on, find someone else. But she’s stubborn, never listens.”

Rick scoffed.

“Please believe me, I love her and I want what’s best for her,” Negan continued. “But for some reason, she loves me too. If she’ll let me, and if you’ll let me, I want to be there with her, through all of this. For as long as she’ll have me.”

“What about Maggie?” Rick said through gritted teeth. “Doesn’t she deserve to be with her husband when their baby is born?”

Negan’s composure crumbled. He put his head in his hands and shook his head, “I know, I know, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

He kept going with the mantra, so they just left seeing that they weren’t going to get any further conversation out of him.

* * *

Hershel Rhee was born when spring began peeking out of winter. The snow was behind them, but frigid days and warm, sunny days flip flopped at random.

The news was both celebratory and solemn. When Michonne visited, she didn’t mention that they planned to change Negan’s imprisonment to a house-arrest situation. It felt like a betrayal. She decided to put off the conversation as long as she could.

After she returned to Alexandria, the plan was ironed out. Negan and Evelyn would live in Aaron’s basement, something that both Evelyn and Aaron agreed to. They wanted to board the windows and doors but decided it was too much of a risk if there was an emergency. Instead, they would have a guard in the backyard 24/7, just like at the jail cell.

“Can I tell him first? You guys can go over the rules with him tomorrow, can’t you?” Evelyn asked, hopefully.

Rick tiredly ran a hand through his hair, “Fine.”

Evelyn surprised him with a hug. She wrapped her arms around his neck and her belly (larger now, 221 days) bumped into him. Evelyn let go quickly, embarrassed, but unable to hide her happiness and appreciation.

* * *

The sun went down an hour ago and Evelyn hadn’t arrived for her daily visit. Negan’s mind was going through all the possible reasons for her absence: She’s sick, she went into pre-term labor, Penelope’s sick, Penelope’s missing, there’s a security problem in the community, she changed her mind about him, she met someone else.

It was too dark to read so Negan had no way of distracting himself from the tortured thoughts. His stomach was knotted up and his head hurt.

Finally, the entrance door opened. It was Evelyn. He sighed in relief, his entire body relaxing.

“I was starting to worry you weren’t coming today,” he said, getting up to meet her at the bars. She was fidgeting and holding back a smile. “What’s going on?”

“They made their decision. We can live together after the baby’s born.”

Negan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He grinned down at her and reached out to hold her hand. But then his face fell as he realized. “After? So I won’t be there when…?”

Evelyn’s face fell too. “No, they said there would be too much chaos in the infirmary to keep an eye on you. But as soon as we’re released, you can go home with us.”

Negan was disappointed, but knew he needed to be grateful for whatever they gave him.

“Ok, it’ll be alright. I’m so happy, baby. I’m dying to be with you again, any way I can have you.”

“Me too,” Evelyn agreed.

“What do you think it is?” he asked, kneeling down to be at eye-level with her belly. He liked being able to get his cheek or lips on her belly, as much as he could manage between the bars.

Evelyn chuckled, “I have no idea.”

“Have you thought about names?” he murmured as he lifted her shirt to feel her warm, taught skin.

“Yeah, I um… I’ve already decided.”

Negan pulled back to look up at her. “You have? How?”

“He or she will be named Rowan,” she answered, ignoring his question of how she chose the name and hoping he wouldn’t notice.

“Hmm,” Negan hummed thoughtfully, returning his attention to her belly. “Sounds fine to me.”

“Really? You don’t mind?”

“Evelyn, baby. I want you to do whatever makes you happy. I’ll do anything you ask of me. If you’ve decided on something, I’ll support your decision. I fucking love you.”

Evelyn had to hold onto the bars. She was overwhelmingly happy that he was committed to her, to their life together.

Negan started tugging on the draw strings on her pants. She yelped in surprise, quickly muffling the sound. Negan hadn’t made any moves on her, all this time.

“Negan, we can’t. How are we supposed to do anything? And the guard could come in at any time, you know that,” she whispered anxiously.

“Fuck them, they can watch,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

“It’s Laura,” she said with a laugh.

Negan rolled his eyes before re-focusing on pulling her pants down, “Can I just… Fuck, I just want to taste you, please?”

Evelyn groaned in want, “Alright but we can’t take too long.”

He had her pants pulled down enough to push his face into the soft curls. “I forgot how wonderful you smell. Christ, I’ve missed this so much.”

Negan slipped his fingers over her clit and down her slit until he reached her wet entrance. “Already wet for me?” he teased.

“Shut up, I know you’re hard too,” she bit back without any heat behind it.

“_I never said I wasn’t_,” he chuckled, removing his finger and slipping it between his lips, over his tongue.

“Fuck, Negan,” she whined, watching him.

After licking his finger clean and licking his lips, he pushed the finger into her. Evelyn’s knees immediately began to shake.

Negan pulled down his sweatpants and wrapped his other hand around his aching cock, stroking quickly.

“It’s ok baby, you can sit down,” he said, giving her belly one more kiss and pulling out his finger. Evelyn pulled the chair to the bars to rest while she watched. Negan popped the digit back in his mouth, closing his eyes to savor the taste.

It only took a few more strokes before he groaned, cumming in his hand and onto the cement floor.

He opened his eyes to see Evelyn pulling her pants down to below her knees so she could spread her legs.

“Holy fuck, you’re gonna make me hard again baby girl,” he groaned, standing to grab a cloth and clean up.

“No, wait,” she whispered urgently. She had her finger on her clit now, rubbing in quick circles. “I want to taste you now.”

Negan looked down at his jizz covered hand and chuckled breathlessly. He reached through the bars, letting her grab his wrist and guide his fingers into her mouth.

She moaned, licking him up and quickly approaching her release as well. “Put it back inside me,” she said, pushing his wrist down. The chair was close enough for him to manage it, but it wasn’t comfortable for him. Not that he would ever complain.

“Goddamn, you’re so tight,” he gasped, adding one, then two fingers.

“Negan,” she cried, breathlessly. “Please…”

He didn’t know what she wanted. There was nothing else he could do, physically. Then it clicked and he felt stupid for not realizing it right away.

“Evelyn, baby girl, you look so fucking beautiful like this. Wish I could keep you knocked up, so big and full and gorgeous. Can’t wait to get my hands all over you again. I’ve missed you so much. I love you.”

Evelyn’s breath hitched and she snapped her mouth shut to keep any more noises from escaping as she came around Negan’s fingers, rubbing her clit through the orgasm.

“Shit, darlin’,” Negan whispered, closing his eyes to focus on the sensation of her walls squeezing and contracting around him. He wished it was his dick so bad.

When the pulsing slowed, he pulled out and licked his fingers again, relishing the creamy essence. He was hard again but ignored it. As much as he teased about someone walking in on them, it didn’t have the same appeal as a prisoner versus the man in charge.

Negan cleaned himself up and handed her the towel. Evelyn groaned as she pulled herself together, rubbing her aching back.

“Turn around,” Negan said. She looked at him curiously. “Sit on the chair with just your back to me, I’ll give you a massage. It won’t be great, but it’ll be something.”

Evelyn smiled and did as he said. Negan knelt on the concrete again. His knees hurt but he’d be damned if a little discomfort stopped him from making this woman as happy as he could. He rubbed her back gently, trying to imitate some of the things Frankie would do, back in the day…

“The other wives are doing well,” Evelyn commented, reading his mind. “Tanya and Frankie live here now. Frankie adopted a young girl, about 8 years old, her name’s Alice. Amber and Mark are together again, they moved to Hilltop. Dani’s still at the Sanctuary.”

Negan hummed, taking it all in. “Did they find Sherry?” he asked, swallowing audibly.

“Not that I know of, but Dwight’s gone. I hope she’s alive, I hope he finds her.”

“God, me too,” Negan whispered. “I know it wasn’t right. Any of it, I’m sorry.”

“I know, Negan,” Evelyn said quietly. “You’ve apologized for many things and I appreciate it. I really do. But if we’re going to be together again, we need to find a way to move past this, you know? I’ll forgive you for everything, but I need to know you’re with me for me. Not because I’m pregnant. Not because I’m the only one who cares about you. Not because this is convenient and you’re getting a ‘get out of jail free’ card. If you can convince me this is real, then we don’t have to talk about it again."

Negan took a breath, then continued massaging her lower back, “Ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one chapter left! Feedback is always welcome. Feel free to leave a comment or message me on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/blueprint-0) <3


	24. And when your fantasies/Become your legacy/Promise me a place/In your house of memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Panic! At the Disco - [House of Memories](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuliCkN2oic)
> 
> Reminder that full-term pregnancies are 280 days, from conception to birth :)
> 
> I threw in one final kink, so I hope you all enjoy it! 
> 
> SPOILERS: Some adaptation from the _Here's Negan_ comic.
> 
> Guys… So much happens in this final chapter. I’m sorry it’s all squished together :/ This is an emotional roller coaster ride of 6,500+ words. So let’s jump right into it…

Evelyn worked with a small group on organizing a library for Alexandria. It was decided that all the books, except sentimental ones, would be pulled from the houses and sorted into two libraries. They wanted to separate duplicate copies, if there were any, to help preserve as much as possible if another disaster or attack hit the community.

It was tedious and slow work, writing down each title and author and sorting them by category. But it kept Evelyn busy and relatively entertained. Sometimes she would take a break and skim an interesting book. Plus, it didn’t require heavy lifting, so she could continue with the job until the baby arrived.

Evelyn still visited Negan every day. She brought Penelope with her sometimes, but it was tough. Penelope knew Negan was in jail, therefore he did something bad. One time, she mentioned Negan while in school and a kid ran out crying because Negan had killed his parents (whether it was actually Negan or one of his Saviors was unknown, but either way, it _was_ Negan’s responsibility).

Part of Evelyn had her doubts about the plan and involving Negan in their lives, especially for Penelope’s sake as she grew up and made her own way in Alexandria. Would her tie to Negan hold her back from friendships? Relationships?

But it was hard to hold onto those doubts when Evelyn watched Negan and Penelope together. They all sat together on the floor by the bars, playing a game, coloring, or reading.

When Evelyn visited alone, she would bring up the stuff that was hard to talk about; their issues as a couple.

Which was basically everything.

It was exhausting for both of them, but every day felt like they got a little bit closer to a real, healthy relationship.

* * *

At 273 days after her positive pregnancy test, Evelyn’s water broke while she was cleaning dishes after lunch.

“Go find Aaron,” she instructed Penelope. “If you can’t find him, look for Saddiq instead.”

Penelope nodded and trotted out the door, not understanding what was happening and totally carefree. It made Evelyn smile as she cleaned up, drank some water, and packed a bag for herself and a bag for Penelope.

By the time she finished, Penelope was back with Aaron. “Evie, Evie,” she told him, pulling him by the hand into their house.

He saw her bags and his eyes widened. “It’s time?”

“Yeah, are you ok with Penelope? She can stay with Michonne if–“

“No, it’s fine, I’ll take care of her,” he said quickly. “And I’m definitely walking you over.”

“Ok, but I’m fine,” Evelyn replied stubbornly.

And she was fine… For a few hours.

Michonne visited first, offering to stay and keep her company. But Evelyn insisted that she should go. It could be another 12 hours for all they knew.

Saddiq nodded to her that this wasn’t happening very quickly.

As they rolled into the fourth hour, Evelyn couldn’t walk anymore to ease the pain. Her legs shook too much so she was forced to lay down for her own safety. Unfortunately, this seemed to double her pain.

20 minutes later, Saddiq checked her, “You’re almost there, Evelyn. You’re 8 centimeters now.”

She’d been holding back tears as long as she could. But she cried in relief, knowing that it wouldn’t be much longer.

Once she started crying, she couldn’t stop. Saddiq wiped her face and petted her hair to try comforting her, but it didn’t help very much.

“Should I get Negan?” he finally suggested.

“No!” she said quickly, “He’s not supposed t-to.”

“I’m sure if we bring Michonne back she’ll change her mind. You’re miserable and too young to be doing this alone, it isn’t right.”

Saddiq’s gut clenched as she cried harder, the opposite of what he intended.

“H-he knows he can’t be here. It’s not f-fair.”

“Fair to who?” he asked.

“Glenn and Maggie,” she cried harder. “Abraham and Sasha. Dwight and Sherry. They never h-had a chance to do this, if they w-wanted. And Carl,” more tears streamed down her face, “_Carl_.”

“What about Carl?” Saddiq asked, surprised.

Evelyn’s eyes flew open and she frantically wiped her face on her sleeve.

“N-nothing, forget I said it.”

Saddiq took her hand and went back to stroking her hair, “Evelyn, you’re too upset to keep going. You need to focus on the contractions, and you can’t do that unless you stop thinking about these other things. It’s ok to tell me, talking it out helps more than people give it credit for.”

“C-can’t tell,” she said, frantically shaking her head.

“You know you can trust me with whatever it is. I kept your pregnancy a secret before you told Rick. Now, please tell me what’s going on,” he said desperately.

Evelyn closed her eyes and squeezed his hand tight. Another contraction hit and she couldn’t talk for a few minutes. But when it subsided, she knew Saddiq was right.

“We don’t kn-know who the father is. We were going to w-work it out. Raise the baby together.”

Saddiq blinked at her, confused. “The father isn’t Negan?”

“I can’t,” she cried out again.

“Evelyn, please, I’m sorry. I’m not judging you, please tell me.”

Her red, wet eyes opened and looked him in the eye, “Negan and I… We loved him.”

Saddiq resisted the urge to react in shock. “But… Carl was just a kid.”

Her face contorted in pain and she shook her head frantically. “N-no, you met him, he wasn’t a kid, we’re the same fucking age,” she broke off to hold in a scream from another contraction.

Saddiq looked at her, dumbfounded. Despite the very mature act of being pregnant and in labor, he would have never guessed she was the same age as Carl or Enid. She didn’t look or act like a teenager. Evelyn was confident, level-headed, and seemed to fill the selfless mom-role for Penelope effortlessly. And she was right, Carl may have looked younger, being thin and shorter than other men. But he was brave, smart, resourceful, and kind.

Despite the revelation of too many things, Saddiq pulled it together. “It’s ok,” he said, trying to sooth her again. “Negan and Carl can’t be here, but they are in spirit, ok? They love you so much, I know they do.”

Evelyn nodded her head and her shaking decreased. “It’s not fair, none of it is,” he continued. “All we can do is focus on what’s in front of us. You’re going to have this baby. You and Negan will love this baby unconditionally, no matter who’s it is right?”

“Yes, of course,” she whispered.

Saddiq helped her drink more water. She stopped crying and breathed through the pain much easier. He continued his pep talk occasionally, reminding her to focus on what her body was telling her.

An hour later she was fully dilated and gave birth to a crying, healthy, 7 pound, 9 ounce, baby girl.

“It’s a girl?” she asked, holding the baby to her chest. Saddiq already told her three times, but it seemed like she couldn’t believe it.

“Yes,” he chuckled.

“I always wanted a girl, like my nieces. I wouldn’t know what to do with a boy,” she admitted, happy tears falling freely.

Saddiq finished setting up his tools to cut the cord. It could wait a little longer, so he sat down next to her.

“Penelope had a sister?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah, she did. But I think she’s already starting to forget them…”

Saddiq nodded sadly and carefully wiped some missed fluid from the baby’s arm.

“Penelope wanted it to be a girl too, she’ll be so happy,” Evelyn continued.

“Well, it’s only a little after sundown, I can go tell them if you want,” he offered.

“Yeah, ok, but don’t bring anyone back. I’m too tired,” she said, carefully adjusting her and the baby to be more comfortable.

Saddiq cut the cord and wrapped the baby up. With the textbook open, it took him three tries to successfully swaddle the baby, then placed her in a bassinet next to Evelyn’s bed.

“You may start to pass the placenta, so you can’t hold her while I’m gone, but I’ll only be a few minutes.”

“Ok, thank you,” she said as he headed for the door. “Saddiq, about what I told you, please-“

“Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me,” he said quickly, to her relief.

Then it was just Evelyn and Rowan. All she could do was stare in awe at the tiny, beautiful little human.

* * *

They spent three more nights in the infirmary. Saddiq took their temperature, pulse, and blood pressure often. He helped her as best he could with breast feeding, but readily admitted that he didn’t have the training to help her. Still, they read through the books together and managed to figure it out before needing to switch to formula.

Meanwhile, she had a lot of visitors who, fortunately, respected her time and didn’t stay too long. Aaron, Gracie, and Penelope. Gabriel, Tara, and Rosita. Barbara and Tobin. Tanya, Frankie, and Alice. Rick, Michonne, and Judith.

“Another girl, huh? Hopefully we can get some young boys around here soon,” Michonne commented, holding Rowan and bouncing her lightly.

Rick was distracted with talking to Saddiq, so Evelyn whispered, “Well, how about you two? Have you thought about trying?”

“I’d love to but Rick… I don’t think he’s ready to even hear the suggestion,” she said, sadly.

Evelyn nodded solemnly. “I hope it happens one day, when you’re both ready.”

“Thank you,” Michonne said with a small smile.

Finally, an exhausted Saddiq released them to go home.

* * *

Evelyn, Aaron, and Gabriel set up the basement weeks ago. The bedroom had the same queen-sized bed she and Carl snuck in to use (a secret that no one else knew, not even Negan). This bed would be Evelyn’s. She fastened it with rope tied to the bedspring underneath and a belt-like harness. This would allow her to sit up, lay down, hold, and feed Rowan. A full-sized bed lay on a shorter bedframe on the opposite side of the restraints. And on the other side of that was a child-sized bed with hand-crafted wooden rails. The plan was for Negan to sleep in the middle, between Evelyn and the children.

Aaron tried to avert his eyes when he felt pity, he knew she didn’t want it. But he hated creating this plan to keep everyone safe. It was gut-wrenching to think about.

With the bedroom completely out of space with beds and a nightstand, the rest of the basement was furnished with a minifridge, microwave, a small desk and chair, and a loveseat.

On ‘move-in day,’ Evelyn and Penelope’s belongings were moved to the closet in the bedroom. Some clothes in Negan’s size were added too. And Penelope’s toys were put in a bin in the main room.

Evelyn was getting settled when she heard footsteps above her walking through the kitchen to the basement door. As they descended the stairs, she tried to contain her excitement.

But then Negan was there, escorted by Rick and Michonne. Without bars between them, Evelyn jumped to hug him and kiss him. When he didn’t hug back, she pulled away, confused.

She looked down and realized he was handcuffed with his hands behind his back.

“Hi baby,” he said, smiling wide.

“Hi,” she replied breathlessly. She didn’t know what to say.

“You think I could get these off so I can meet my daughter?” Negan said to Rick.

He raised an eyebrow for Negan’s attitude but unlocked the handcuffs. “You’ve got five minutes. We’re gonna go over the rules one more time, then we’ll go.”

“She’s sleeping,” Evelyn whispered, taking his hand and leading him into the bedroom.

Rowan was swaddled in the middle of Evelyn’s bed. Negan fell to his knees beside her. He’d dreamed of this moment and now he was here.

Evelyn walked to the bed and stood next to him. She gently picked Rowan up and laid her closer to Negan. Her face scrunched up in annoyance but became peaceful once more when she settled.

His hand shook as he tentatively stroked her tiny face with the tips of his fingers. His large hands were nearly double the size of her head.

“Rowan,” he whispered. “I can’t believe I had any part in making something so beautiful.”

Evelyn kissed his cheek and ran her fingers through his hair. Rowan was born in the timeframe where she could be Negan’s or Carl’s. It was impossible to tell.

Either way, it was true that Negan was a part of making her. From the moment Evelyn arrived at the Savior outpost. To falling in love and arguing with Negan an equal amount. To meeting Carl. To making Alexandria their home… Evelyn and Rowan probably wouldn’t be here right now, if it wasn’t for Negan.

She let him admire their baby for a few more minutes before taking his hand and pulling him up. He looked at her with a dazed expression, then he gripped the back of her head and kissed her deeply.

Rick knocked on the doorframe to get a move on.

“Goddamnit, Rick,” Negan muttered.

Evelyn smiled and turned away to pick up the baby and carry her out.

Rick and Michonne explained the rules, again. Negan couldn’t leave the basement, unless there was an emergency. They opened the back door and a guard was already stationed outside.

“There will always be a guard watching this door and the windows. And I think you know better than to try going through Aaron’s house, but we’ll be keeping a close eye on that area too,” Rick explained.

The door would remain unlocked at all times. There would be random, unannounced checks on Negan. This made Evelyn uncomfortable, thinking about someone coming in to watch them. Negan seemed to read her mind, so he put a hand on her back, rubbing a few soothing circles.

The privilege of being with his family came with extra work to balance out the fact that he wasn’t in a jail cell.

Negan had to work every day that weather permitted, manual labor, wherever they needed him, from an hour before sunrise to breakfast. They didn’t want him mingling with the community and upsetting anyone with his presence.

But none of it mattered because Negan and Evelyn were together now, and it felt right.

* * *

Adjusting to a new baby along with their ‘new’ relationship was very challenging, for everyone.

Penelope had to share Evelyn’s attention with Rowan now. She wanted to help all the time, but the newborn was still too fragile.

Fortunately, the new and exciting presence of Negan helped ease her jealousy and frustration.

School became harder for her when word got around that Negan was essentially her new ‘dad.’ The other kids repeated what their parents and caregivers said, which hurt Penelope’s feelings. And the teachers didn’t know how to handle it because, well, the other kids weren’t wrong.

Evelyn told her not to argue with the other kids, just ignore the comments. She didn’t know how she was going to tell Penelope the full truth about Negan one day. She didn’t want her to believe he was innocent, but she also wanted Penelope to love him.

Meanwhile, Negan felt much better and more productive. His work was backbreaking, but sore muscles led to more strength and stamina, which Evelyn would never complain about.

The work was also cathartic. He’d always wanted to build something that helped people. Being part of rebuilding and improving the communities he’d negatively impacted felt better than sitting in jail doing nothing. There was no repaying what he’d taken away… But _something_ was better than nothing.

The hardest part for Negan was being stuck in the basement all day, every day. Despite his love for all three of them, it was suffocating. Although Evelyn wasn’t working yet, she often left for hours just to give Negan, and herself, some space.

Negan and Evelyn were learning about each other again. As much as they had talked leading up to this, nothing could prepare them for the real thing – Living together and raising children together.

* * *

After a few months, Rowan seemed to double in size and Evelyn returned to work.

The new routine vastly improved everyone’s wellbeing. Evelyn had a break from Negan and the girls while at work. Penelope was still in school most days. Rowan stayed home with Negan or went to school with Penelope. This gave Negan a break as well. The couple felt recharged and, finally, happy with their relationship.

And they were able to have sex again.

Evelyn and Negan were intimate from day one of movie-n. But it was mostly kissing, cuddling, and quick hand jobs or blow jobs.

With everything healed and more time for just the two of them, sex happened naturally. But it was much more vanilla than before.

It was pleasing and comforting for both of them and it worked, for now.

* * *

One morning, Negan returned from his work to an empty house. Assuming Evelyn had taken the girls to school for the day, he hopped in the shower.

Afterwards, he went to their bedroom in just a towel, low on his hips. He spotted a three-ring binder on their bedside table that Evelyn had brought home yesterday, without an explanation.

Curiosity got the best of him, so Negan sat on Evelyn’s bed and opened it. The binder contained about 100 pages of a story someone had typed, back when there were computers and printers. Negan flipped through and read a few lines, quickly recognizing the names of characters from _Harry Potter_.

Negan was intrigued, but didn’t want to drip water on the pages. He got up and shucked on a pair of shorts, leaving them unzipped, and dried of his hair. Once settled on Evelyn’s bed again, he began to read.

About 30 minutes later he heard the back door open and close. He considered covering up in case it was a guard, but they’d experienced plenty of indecent check-ins, so he decided to stay as he was.

Thankfully, Evelyn walked in. She gave a small yelp when she saw what Negan was reading and turned red.

“Holy shit,” Negan said, amused. “What is this?”

“It’s um… It’s called fanfiction,” Evelyn replied, still blushing furiously and closing their bedroom door. “Don’t make fun of me, ok?”

“I can’t promise that,” Negan laughed. “Nothin’ wrong with this, but I can’t help but tease you, you know that.”

Evelyn crawled on the bed and sat on his thighs. “Wow, you read quite a bit,” she commented, plucking the binder from his hands and tossing it on his bed.

“It’s not half-bad! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised you’re into Harry and Snape. But isn’t he a little too old?”

Evelyn rolled her eyes, “You have no room to talk! Besides, Snape is only supposed to be 20 years older than Harry. I love who they cast to play him in the movies, but Snape's actually in his early 30s at the beginning of the series.”

“Hmm, I guess you’re right,” Negan sighed, pulling Evelyn closer. “I liked the whole Alpha-Omega thing though. Never heard of that before.”

Evelyn groaned in embarrassed discomfort. She never meant for Negan to read it. In fact, she really shouldn’t have taken it from work. But she was going to return it…

“What? I said I liked it,” Negan assured her.

“For real?” she asked, kissing along his jaw.

“Cross my heart,” he chuckled low, pushing her off so he could be on top. “It’s pretty hot... The bond between the Alpha and Omega," Negan kissed her temple. “The loss of control the Omega feels in heat,” he kissed down her neck. “The claiming bite,” he lightly bit the junction of her neck and shoulder. “And the big Alpha cock and knot fucked into _his_ Omega,” Negan rolled her shirt up to kiss along her stomach.

“Fuck, Negan,” Evelyn moaned. “How do you always do that?”

Negan looked up, confused. This was definitely a first for them. “Do what?”

“Be so goddamn sexy all the time,” she whined with a giggle. She wasn’t _really_ complaining, just in awe of him.

“Thank you baby, but you’re the sexy one. I’m just the ole’ man trying to keep up. I guess all that lifting and moving shit has paid off, huh?”

Evelyn wrapped her arms around his back and pulled him in for a kiss in response. Negan pulled his shorts down enough to pull his cock out and rub it against her exposed belly.

“I’m gonna knot you, breed you, give you lots of pups, how’s that sound?” Negan growled as he pulled her shirt off and unbuttoned her jeans.

Evelyn helped shuck off her pants and turned over, rolling her hips into Negan. “Yes, Daddy, please, I want it so bad.”

The role play was more erotic than either of them expected. With Evelyn still breast feeding, they’d already decided to take their chances without birth control, for now. Negan still pulled out often but they both know that was not happening today.

Negan smacked her ass sharply. He wanted to be gentle but he missed the kinky sex they used to have, and he knew Evelyn missed it too.

Evelyn pushed her hips up more, presenting for him and encouraging him that she was enjoying the rough treatment.

Negan closed his eyes, relieved that she had reacted positively. Evelyn grinded against him, whining in frustration. He chuckled and gripped her cheeks tightly, digging his nails into her soft skin.

“Fuck,” she cried out, instinctively flinching away.

Negan tutted, “You’re not getting away from me, Omega bitch, you asked for this.” He rubbed the tip of his dick against her wet entrance before spanking her again.

Evelyn shuttered through his rough treatment. When she felt his cock entering her again she moaned in relief, “Yes, thank you Alpha, fuck me, please.”

Negan did as she asked, leaning over to nip at her neck while thrusting deep and hard. He slowed down before he came to lift her hips. He reached around to play with her clit and sped up.

“Alpha,” Evelyn mumbled. Negan pulled her hair out of the way, gripping it tight. “My mate.”

Negan groaned, “Yes, baby, I’m yours, your mate.” He bit her shoulder hard, making her cum. Negan’s eyes rolled back as he felt the flutter of her release, prompting him to cum as well.

After several deep breaths, Negan pulled out and laid on Evelyn’s side that he’d bit. He was glad to see he didn’t draw blood, but he still kissed the area soothingly.

“I love you,” Negan said quietly.

Evelyn scooted into his embrace, “I love you too.”

* * *

Before they knew it, a whole year passed. Rowan was certainly one now and Penelope was eight.

Michonne and Rick were expecting their first child together. Evelyn mourned all these things Carl had missed out on. He would have loved another sibling.

Sometimes Evelyn looked at Rowan and felt, deep down, that she was Carl’s and that she should tell Rick. But the moment passed when Negan picked her up and coddled her. Rowan still looked tiny in Negan’s arms and her chubby little face lit up every time she saw him.

Negan and Evelyn watched her slowly build up the strength to hold her head up. They watched her say her first words, ‘dada,’ of course. But ‘mama’ followed shortly after. They watched her crawl, pull herself up, and take her first steps.

Then things began to shift. Evelyn was more withdrawn from Negan. He wondered if he had done something wrong and asked her, but she always said ‘no.’ Negan asked if she was ok over and over, and she always said she was fine, nothing was wrong.

Negan was hurt that she wasn’t confiding in him. One day, Evelyn was out and left Negan with Penelope and Rowan. When they heard Aaron’s footsteps above them, Penelope stopped their game. “Gracie?” she asked.

“Yeah, but make sure you ask Aaron if Gracie can play,” Negan said.

He normally stayed downstairs when Penelope went up. If Aaron was busy, he usually sent her back down without too much fuss.

But this time, Negan followed her up the stairs.

“Gracie play?” Penelope asked as she opened the door.

“Sure, go ahead,” Aaron said, without even turning to the basement door.

Negan held it open but stayed on the top step. “Hey Aaron,” he said, trying to sound as unthreatening as possible.

Aaron whipped around. “What do you want?” he asked carefully, eyes darting around to assess the situation.

“Man, calm down, I just need to ask you something,” he said showing his hands were empty.

“Ok?” Aaron asked, skeptically.

“It’s Evelyn, she’s different these days and I don’t know why. Just wanted to see if you’d noticed. She could just be mad at me about something. You know how women are,” he said with a stiff chuckle.

Aaron raised an eyebrow.

A moment later it clicked and Negan let out a genuine laugh. “Shit man, sorry, guess you don’t know, huh?”

Aaron gave him a half smile, but then his face fell with a sigh. “It’s not just you. She’s a lot quieter. I don’t know, she seems happy and she still dotes on all the kids, but she kinda sticks with them, doesn’t talk to everyone as much.”

“Alright,” Negan said with concern heavy in his voice. “Thanks for your help. Maybe it’s that post-partum depression I used to hear about.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Aaron said sadly.

“Anyway, I’ll get out of your hair. Thanks again.”

Aaron nodded as Negan closed the door. In the back of his mind, he wondered if a year after birth was too far after to be post-partum depression. But if that wasn’t the problem, then he didn’t know what was.

* * *

A few weeks later, Negan woke up while it was still very dark out. As he came to, he realized there was no fussing or crying from Rowan’s bed, his usual culprit for waking in the middle of the night. Then he felt a scratching on his shoulder, which must have been what woke him.

But the scratching quickly made his stomach drop. He heard unnatural wheezing and shot up, whipping around.

Evelyn’s eyes were glassed over and vacant. The hand scratching his shoulder was her attempt to grab him and bite him.

His sudden movement made her wheezing turn to frantic growling.

Negan’s felt like his heart stopped. He couldn’t believe it.

He closed his eyes and willed himself to wake up from this nightmare or hallucination.

But the noises didn’t stop. He even tried pinching himself, but nothing changed.

He turned around and didn’t open his eyes until he was facing Rowan instead. She was sleeping peacefully, safe and sound.

Negan held in a cry or a scream of agony, if only to keep Rowan from waking and seeing her mom this way.

He couldn’t take it a second longer. Negan carefully picked her up, nearly every joint in his body popping in protest. He quickly carried her out of the room and closed the door behind him. He stood for a moment, not knowing what to do next.

His feet moved on their own to the bathroom where he pulled out all the towels and laid Rowan down, as far from the toilet as he could, and closed the door behind him.

With Rowan completely out of harm’s way Negan could really think about what was happening.

He collapsed to the floor as images flashed through his mind of Lucille’s dead eyes and Evelyn’s dead eyes. Neither of them deserved this. He deserved it. Why was he alive when everyone he loved wasn’t? He thanked whatever deity in existence that Penelope was with Judith tonight.

How was he going to tell her? What was he going to do?

Negan didn’t know how long he laid on the floor in utter panic. But then the sun was rising with rays of orange and pink penetrating the dark blue and black of the night sky.

He had to do something. Rowan couldn’t see her like this. Penelope couldn’t see her like this. Someone had to stop it. Someone else. Not him. He couldn’t do it with Lucille and he couldn’t do it now.

He thought of getting the guard or going up to get Aaron. They could do it and everything would be taken care of.

It came down to choosing between being selfish and leaving the task for someone or doing the right thing. He remembered a story Michonne told him about Carl once, how he tied up a reanimated woman in the woods so her son could find her and end it… So someone who loved her could end it.

Slowly, he stood and retrieved a knife from their silverware. They didn’t have any weapons so a sharp dinner knife would have to do. He stood in front of their bedroom door for several minutes. He could faintly hear the wheezing and pulling against the restraints.

When he turned the doorknob and pushed the door open, Evelyn was standing about two feet from the bed with the belt contraption keeping her from moving closer to the door. She growled louder. He quickly shut the door so Rowan wouldn’t hear.

With just the two of them in the room, Negan struggled to hold it together. He was crying and he couldn’t breathe.

Knowing that Carl was brave enough to stop himself from turning, how he was selfless enough to carry the burden for his parents, Negan stepped forward and grabbed her wrists, taking them in one hand and pulling them down. With no other obstacles, he looked in her eyes one more time before sinking the blade into her temple.

She immediately crumpled to the ground, her wrists slipping out of his hands.

* * *

Negan managed to take Rowan upstairs before she woke up. He waited for Aaron to get up for the day. When Aaron came out, he nearly jumped out of his skin seeing Negan sitting at his kitchen table. But then he saw his face and knew what had finally happened.

Aaron handled everything except for telling Penelope. When Aaron returned home with her, she knew something was wrong. Aaron left her with Negan while he went downstairs to clean up the body to give Penelope a chance to say goodbye.

Negan almost couldn’t bare it. He reminded Penelope that her aunt was sick and needed to take medicine. His words and tears were enough for her to figure it out.

Later in the day, Saddiq explained what happened. As predicted, the battery in Evelyn's cardiac device finally gave out. She must have experienced arrhythmia's in her sleep. The strain caused heart failure. This explained why Evelyn had less energy and motivation in the weeks prior. Whether she knew the device was dead or not was a mystery. Even if she knew and had told Saddiq, there was nothing they could have done for her. 

* * *

In the weeks after Evelyn’s death, Negan went through her belongings and clothes to pick the ones he wanted to keep to remember her by. The rest needed to be reused within the community.

At the bottom of her drawer, Negan found three envelopes. Two were opened, crinkled, stained from dirty fingertips, and torn in places. ‘Negan’ was written on one and ‘Evelyn’ on the other. A third envelope said ‘Rowan’ and it was bent in some places, but overall in good condition and sealed shut.

Negan opened the one with his name. He immediately read the name signed at the bottom. Carl.

He vaguely remembered Michonne reading Carl’s letter over the walkie. He thought the words were gone forever. But Evelyn had them this whole time. Why didn’t she ever tell him?

Negan sat on the bed and read. His eyes blurred with tears. The time period Carl wrote about seemed like a million years ago.

_I just wonder if this is what you wanted. I wanted to ask you. I wish I could have._

“Goddamn it,” Negan muttered to himself. His hands shook and he tried to control himself, but the urge to rip it apart just so he wouldn’t have to endure this pain ever again was very tempting.

This is why Evelyn kept it a secret. She knew how much it would hurt.

Back then, Negan would have said, “Yes, this is what I wanted,” to answer Carl’s question. But he knew himself better now. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. He remembered when he first took charge of people, before the Sanctuary really existed. He killed a man who was letting other men rape his wife. Negan wanted to keep saving people. But he fucked it all up.

Negan kept reading.

_The way out is working together. It’s forgiveness. It’s believing that it doesn’t have to be a fight anymore - because it doesn’t. I hope my dad offers you peace. I hope you take it. I hope everything can change. It did for me. Start over. You still can._

At least Carl’s last wish for Negan had come to pass. Rick did offer him peace and he took it. Everything changed and it was wonderful, like a dream. He still couldn’t believe it ended so quickly…

Negan put the letter back in the envelope. He stared at Evelyn’s name written on hers. He didn’t want to read it, but he also didn’t know what to do with it. Would anyone read that letter ever again?

Tears were flowing freely now, he couldn’t stop them.

Then Negan picked up Rowan’s envelope. Evelyn hadn’t opened it. He thought back to his time in the cell when he briefly wondered why Evelyn already had a name for the baby. Now he knew she and Carl had picked it out. The revelation floored him. This was too much at once.

Negan wanted to read it, but he wondered why Evelyn had saved it. Maybe she read it before Carl sealed it. Maybe she wanted to wait until Rowan could understand or even read it herself.

Despite already feeling overwhelmed, Negan wanted to know Carl’s last words for his daughter. He carefully slid his finger through the seal and unfolded the letter.

_Rowan,_

_My name is Carl. You know my sister, Judith. I hope you and Penelope are great friends with her. I hope you consider each other family._

_Your mom has another 8 months until she meets you. Unfortunately, I won’t be there._

_But I wanted to tell you something about your dad, Negan. I think he’ll be different by the time you read this._

_I bet a lot of people still don’t like Negan. They remember what he’s done. Don’t let that stop you from loving him and looking up to him. He needs people to care about him._

_I think he’s a great dad because I see how he is with Judith and Penelope. It’s like he was meant to be a dad. But this world, the only one you know, it twists people into things they never thought they’d become. Maybe the old world did that to people too, but not everyone._

_Listen to your parents, but don’t be afraid to tell them what you think. Ask them to tell you stories about life before walkers, and life after. Learn from our mistakes. I think you’ll be part of building a better world, where everyone has the opportunity to have a life. A real life._

_-Carl_

* * *

Months later, Negan had adjusted to life without Evelyn. He missed her every single day, but he kept going for Penelope and Rowan.

He was finally granted more freedom, mostly because he had to do all the things Evelyn used to do.

Negan could leave the basement, but he had a curfew. He was forbidden from having any kind of weapon. And he was advised not to be seen within three feet of the wall.

He had no problem following these rules. People avoided him, which he only hated because it often meant they were avoiding the girls. He worried about when they would notice and how he would handle it.

One afternoon he was tossing a soft baseball between the two girls. Penelope laughed gleefully when Rowan tried to throw it overhand, but the ball kept falling behind her instead of going forward.

“Hey man, can you help me?”

Negan turned around to a young man about his height with dirty blond hair, tanned and freckled skin, and hazel eyes with long eyelashes.

Negan raised an eyebrow. He didn’t recognize him, and this guy obviously didn’t recognize Negan either. “Sure, I can try.”

“I haven’t been here in a couple years and was wondering if Carl was still around. Do you know him?”

Negan’s breath hitched. God, he hadn’t heard that name out loud in a long time, only in his own tortured thoughts.

Before he could form an answer, Penelope appeared by his side, “Judith brother?”

The man looked confused but shrugged. “Maybe, I know he has a sister.”

“Oh, he di-“

Negan jumped into action and he grabbed Penelope with a hand over her mouth. He knew she didn’t understand tact yet, it wasn’t her fault.

The man looked surprised and Negan could see how crazy he looked in that moment.

“Sorry, um, you see, Carl passed away a while back, I’m sorry,” Negan said brokenly, letting go of a glaring Penelope.

“Oh jeeze, that’s awful,” his face crumpled.

Negan tilted his head, “What’s your name?”

“Dean,” he said sadly, holding out his hand to be polite.

“Negan,” he said, shaking his hand quickly. He realized that this must be _the_ Dean and smiled softly.

“Penelope!” she added enthusiastically, wanting to include herself in the conversation.

Dean chuckled lightly, giving her a high five but still looking very sad.

“Yeah, I’m sorry to be the one to tell ya. About Carl, I mean,” Negan said quietly. “He was a real special kid, we miss him a lot.”

By this time, Rowan had toddled over to investigate. Negan scooped her up, onto his hip.

Dean nodded stiffly. When he looked at Rowan he managed another smile, “And who’s this?”

“This is my daughter, Rowan.”

“Yeah? She’s precious,” he said, giving her soft baby hair a pat. “Her eyes are really blue, reminds me of Carl’s.”

He stood back and waved goodbye to them, “Anyway, thanks for talking with me, see you around?”

“Sure,” Negan said as he walked away, lost in his own thoughts.

Rowan _did_ have really blue eyes. Negan had looked at his daughter a million times, how did he not notice before? He knew she had beautiful blue eyes, but the association to Carl never clicked.

Neither Evelyn, Penelope, or Negan had blue eyes. He had no idea if this meant anything for Rowan’s paternity.

“Guess it doesn’t really matter, huh kid?” he mumbled to her.

Rowan blinked at him and babbled, then tried to wiggle out of his grasp.

Negan laughed, “Ok, fine I’ll put you down. Can I get a kiss first?” He gripped her tighter and planted kisses along her cheeks. She giggled but tried twice as hard to escape so they could play again.

When she got down, Penelope took her hand and walked her a few feet away before handing her the ball. “Throw it to Dad,” she instructed.

Negan could only handle so many surprises in one day. Penelope had never called him ‘dad’ before, she always said ‘Negan,’ as Evelyn had taught her.

Not that it mattered how people were technically related anymore. Most kids had ‘adopted’ parents anyway. Judith called Michonne ‘mom’ and Gracie called Aaron ‘dad.’

Negan really didn’t know why he was so surprised, but he was. Maybe it was this new identity that was throwing him off.

Negan. Not the former leader of the Saviors. Not a criminal rotting in jail.

Just Negan. A single father of two girls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What kind of psycho kills their own main character? Me, I guess... It was always going to end this way, from the moment my imagination created Evelyn. I'm sorry :/
> 
> I wanted to show that Penelope’s speech didn’t decline again after Evelyn’s death because she’s built up some resilience. I needed to put a little more hope into this ending. 
> 
> I can’t thank you enough for reading this whole thing. It means a lot to me. Feedback is welcome in the comments or you can message me on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/blueprint-0) :)
> 
> I have sequal ideas but I'm not sure they're any good :/ If YOU want to read more about this Negan and company, lmk :)


End file.
